Untitled Four Days Ago…

Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto.true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me. 

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey.  A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS,  people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.

The Road Untraveled

I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.

 

Go with the Flo…

Being a woman of a certain age I am on the cusp of finally getting to say goodbye to my Flo. That is if she would only just leave already. This time around she was off somewhere living the leisure life for nearly four months. I was settling into the “wow, I guess I am an old lady now” train of thought when I felt those old rumblings, negative thoughts, anxiety, edgy hunger and pain in my left side. Flo makes me feel more vulnerable, nervous. I don’t like it. Flo showed Wednesday while I was at work. All high and mighty, sporting high heels and dragging a fully packed wheelie suitcase with her. I have always had a love/hate relationship with Flo. She made me nervous in my carefree youth. She was a lot like me, capricious and carefree, but she always came riding in to save the day. I loved her then, appreciated her and sang her praises. I hated her too. Angry after I got married when she betrayed me, always around never letting me become someone’s mom. I want her to go but I want her to stay. If she goes I will never have to buy her supplies, ever again. Oh happy day. If she goes she takes the rest of my estrogen with her. My hair will thin, my skin will crepe, my life light dimming. Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

In time I will get my opportunity to say my final goodbyes to Flo, begin the next chapter. I only hope I face the next half of my life( is there a half? or way less? only time will tell)with courage, humor, good friends, family, and adventure.

Stay tuned

My Inner Child

sometimes gets in the way of my 55 years of age. I had a panic attack today. In my life I have gotten myself into some shitty situations because I tend to leap before I look, or plan, or think. In a very short short span of time (6 days to be exact) I will be going on an adventure to of all places to Universal Studios in Florida. Wait, wait for it…without my hubby. I have never been to Florida. The last time I went to an amusement park? Just about 26 years ago in 1994, my kid sister and I took our nephews to Rocky Point Park in Warwick RI. A lot has changed since then.

My inner child decided late Spring of 2019 to be bold. I was out somewhere with my friend Jadira when inspiration hit me. I NEEDED a grand vacation. I needed to see Harry Potter in all its glory. I needed to feel like part of something bigger than myself and my small life. I think a little back story is necessary here just so there is no WTF moment later on.

My Dad always wanted to take his kids to Disney. After my Aunt Mary died in March of 2004, my kid sister and I were going to surprise him. We were going to find a way to get my Dad and his three girls to Disney. We never got to because life often has other ideas. My beloved kid sister died in a car accident, just two months after my aunt passed. I was broken, the family was broken. I struggled for years with my parents declining health. I was never really in a good frame of mind for long. I just sort of lived on the periphery of life pretending to be in my moments, being happy, “moving on “.  Don’t get the wrong idea. I had plenty of happy. I have a good life. I love and I know I am loved but grief is like a scarf you can’t take off. It hangs around your neck both easing your pain and causing it. Eventually both of my parents died and I was suddenly free but still a captive.

I wanted to be more for myself so I decided some time ago to work on being better to myself…and that is when my inner child took that leap of faith. I was finally ready to let my soul soar to new heights, to be invested in my well being.  I am excited to be flying, to be traveling, to be on an epic adventure but I am also anxious. Over the years I have fallen into the habit of singing in public. I guess you could say it is my therapy animal. Singing is my escape, my solace, my friend. It doesn’t matter if my notes fall flat. It is who I am. It is what I do for me. It can also be highly inappropriate, embarrassing and a burden to the people I am hanging with. I want to have fun on my mini vaca. I want to sing with reckless abandon but it’s not fair to my travel companion or her kiddles. I am feeling anxious because I am trusting the journey. I am not in the drivers seat. I am being in the moment without a safety net.

I have let Jadira make all of our travel arrangements as I have no experience at all in this arena. She is very knowledgeable about destination vacations and all of the manusha that goes with it.  We will have the best time.

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

It is 5:30 in the morning on the 1st day of the last year in this decade. Yes. it is the last year of the decade! Nothing and no body starts at year one but at day one. Except in some cultures where you are born and considered to be nine months old, time spent in utero counts. Wish I could use that one when it comes time to retire. I am sitting in my office thinking about the year 2019. I am not a big fan of “the year was good to me, bad to me” time is elusive. It is the events and people within that year that make IT memorable. Let’s face it a lot of shitty things happen to each of us in a course of a year. People we love pass away, sometimes we get sick, or depressed. Jobs are lost, or change. New friends are gained. Some old friends are left by the wayside no longer fitting into what a person needs or wants. Life is ever moving,  just like time.

I haven’t really written much since July. I guess I needed a break from my thoughts. I love to write but sometimes if I am not careful it leads me down the path to depression. I find if I spend too much time in my own head I can’t escape my pain. The first part of 2019 was like many years before it, the same old dog and pony ride. I was angry. I am always angry. Most people I know might not believe that to be the case but it is true. I am angry. It is my greatest challenge and my biggest downfall. I decided sometime before my Auntie’s surgery to let anger take a vacation. I really needed a break from her so I sent her away.  I am better for it. My relationship with my hubby is better. I feel better around myself and other people. I even went back to WWs.

In retrospect I would have to say that I was good to 2019.  I found myself. Who I have always been but was afraid to be. I feel at peace with myself (right now, at this moment). I am trying to find my joy everyday. I am participating in my life and in my well being. I have made some new friends. Some of my other friendships are changing and I am okay with that. When a pond stays stagnant for too long its life force dies.  I am working on the things on my “bucket list”. I have even managed to get a few things crossed off. Silly, I know but a life not lived or not being able to find joy in is not living.

My wish for 2020? peace

The Heart of the Matter

I have experienced great loss in my life. My kid sister, my Mom, my Pops, my cousin Mike. I love each of them dearly in entirely different ways. Both my cousin and my sister were on the younger side of life. My world was shaken to its core the day my sister died. Losing her changed me in ways I never imagined a person could change. I am kinder. I am in my moments. I tell people I love them. I HUG. I am less guarded with my emotions, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. Some days I am still a shit. I can be hateful but I try to be the better version of myself everyday.

I am writing this because I am trying to reign in my emotions. I have had a tough couple of days which in all honesty pales in comparison to the last couple of days in life of someone I love, my Auntie T. I love this woman. She is my Mother’s kid sister. She has always been the cool Aunt. The one who took you on adventures when you were a kid. The one who bought you the Christmas gift your parents didn’t know you needed. She took me to have my picture taken by a photographer before I started Kindergarten. I was petrified of the camera. She was so patient. I am part Native American so who knows maybe our ancestors knew a thing or two about soul stealers? When I was a little girl, before my Auntie started a family of her own, she was my magic. There was always something about her, almost like an energy, a force of nature.

As life sometime goes, in the process of growing up you also grow away. Life is a selfish journey sometimes and though no one is at fault we all move in directions that sometime remove us from the people we love the most. My teen years and her own growing family changed our dynamic.  We were busy moving in our own circles. Our lives on very separate paths for a long time…and then my sister died, and my mother was not well. Over the next few years I grew closer to my Auntie again. I guess I never realized just how much she has meant to me until she told me that she needed heart surgery.

My own mother had heart surgery when she was 48 or 49 years old. She almost did not survive. My mother smoked. She was obese. She struggled with mental illness. The real problems with her recovery were linked to a 3 pack a day smoking habit and the amount of psyche meds she was on. She was in a medically induced coma for several days and her body did not want to breathe again on its own.  Eventually my mother got better and after a very long 10 months she was back to herself. The vision of my mom lying lifeless after surgery lives in my memory. Needless to say I was very afraid for my Auntie.

I prayed. Small thing, right? Not for me. Not for the girl who feels invisible, even to God. I was relieved when the text came through my phone that my Auntie had pulled through surgery ok. Maybe just this once God heard me. I went to visit with her today. She is doing well. She is so much more healthier than my poor mother ever was. She has a long recovery in front of her but she will make it. I hope she has many well lived years ahead of her. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. I have always tried to be the best example to my niece and nephews because of my Auntie T. She knows I love her but I don’t think she knows how important a role she has played in my life. Thank you for being you.

You are loved more than you know.

You are stronger than you realize.

I Love You.

 

 

Chasing Rainbows

Can a person find happiness by chasing after it? I spent a good portion of my free Saturdays last Summer chasing happiness. I can tell you I never quite found it. Happiness truly is a state of mind. If you can’t find your inner peace, chasing after it is not the answer. I am tired of running towards empty things that leave me feeling empty.  Situations, people and things that bring me no joy or peace. I find that the older I get the more I question myself about what I am really looking for. I want the quiet that comes after the rain. I want the peace of an early morning before anyone else wakes in the house. I want to feel like what I have in my life is enough. I must learn to be calm and in the moment on my days off from work.

I guess last Summer I was starting to believe the fairy tale I was tossing around in my head that I am old. My mother used to call me “Camille”  because when I was a teenager I was over the top dramatic. I remember feeling like an outsider, and a misfit so maybe that’s how I dealt with those feelings by being a drama queen.

In my headspace old means not useful, needs assistance, not vital. I know, WHAT!?! It has taken me time (too much) to sort of settle back into the gal I know and love. I am going to try my damnedest to stick around for awhile. I have gone back to WWs once again because truth be told right now I need it in my life. I am not going to blog on endlessly about it. I am going to try not to obsess about every tiny morsel I eat but rather live my life without food as my jailer.

 

Where was Mr. Greenjeans when I needed him?

Hockey season is over for this year. I am free from all things hockey, well, at least until October when my life and interests will once again be pushed to the side. Come opening weekend I will yet again participate like the dutiful wife that my husband knows and likes me to be. This off season however, I have made a promise to myself this blog needs to be more joy filled. I am going to try to blog about the grand side of life.

Hubby and I went to Glens Falls NY on Sunday with the Worcester Railers Booster Club on a tour bus. The ride up was over three hours long. Our driver, Captain Kangaroo, had no idea how to operate the air conditioning on the bus. Not a good thing as it was nearly 70 degrees on the ride up and the vents on the bus were clearly throwing out hot air. Being in the throes of menopause (I know there were a few other ladies of my general age on the trip) this made the long ride uncomfortable to say the least.

Of course being the wise ass that I am, I started heckling from the cheap seats. My hubster shot me his angry face that was screaming at me (all be it silently) to behave but as I like to say “women who behave rarely make history” so I ignored him. I sent a text to the front of the bus where my friend and co conspirator of the Booster Club Table was sitting. I kindly asked her to slap the shit out of the bus driver and get us some cooler air for the back. Epic fail.

1.) because my friend has continuous seasonal laryngitis.

2.) It is against her sweet nature to slap anyone no matter how much they might need it.

3.) It was a waste of resources.

Turns out our driver was not a regular for this company but a per diem guy. He didn’t even know how to turn on the free Wi-Fi. I mean WTF!

Eventually we stopped at one of those convenient but not cheap rest stops along the highway. The best thing about these places is they have flush toilets. They should all be called Highway Robbery Stops and number them as they correspond to the direction in which you are traveling like 1 East, 2 East, 3 East. The amount of money these little satellite spots charge for simple things like a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza is directly related to how far away one is from an actual town. I refuse to pay $5 for a coffee that costs $2.50 anywhere else just because I am trapped on a highway. I was happy to be off the HOT bus so I used the time to stretch my legs, use the flush toilets and crack jokes with my friends. In fifteen minutes we were all back onto the EZ Bake Oven and on our way to our destination.

I have never been so thankful to get somewhere.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

I think I am getting too old for this type of shenanigans. Parts of me that I didn’t know I still use, hurt. My hair hurt the next day, my arms, my back, my ass. Too much time spent in a cramped space being slowly roasted by a bus heater. No Bueno. I want to thank my travel companions for the food, the drinks, the laughs, and the memories. I really did have a wonderful time. Until next season ; )

Butterfly

Will I ever let go of the things in my life that are toxic? I eat too much in a continued never ending sad attempt to dilute my anger? my fear? my inadequacies? I have spent a good deal of my life trying to make everyone else in my life happy by putting my wants, needs, and dreams on a back burner. I am now way passed my forties. I am actively enmeshed in my glorious (not) fifties. I do not like the way my body betrays me. I have allowed the fearful part of myself to control my life. My physician asked me to come back for a follow up after my physical in October because she was worried about my state of being (mental health check). I feel like I am standing on the edge of a beautiful mountain side but I am on the wrong side of this vision. There is nothing beautiful left on this side. Everything lies in ruins, overmined and stripped of all of its natural beauty.

I grew up feeling like a misfit, not really part of anything. I was withdrawn in school. I did well academically but never had the ambition to find my dream or a mentor to help me find a direction or career path. I had zero friends. My level of self loathing off the charts but somehow I managed to hang on. I adult with no direction. You can’t tell me you are surprised. Can you? I still have no life plan. I never thought for one second in the time of my youth that I would live longer than the age of thirty; yet here I am in my current lovely state of disrepair. I have spent most of my life chasing a version of myself I am not sure exists anywhere but in the corner of my mind.

Where to start? I can not continue to get up day after day feeling like what I do and who I am is not important. I want to recapture my joie de vie.  Did I ever have a joy for my life? I am sure I did. I am struggling with the getting older part. “You know your skin is saggy in places. You are getting AGE spots. Did you know you drool in your sleep?” Youthful Trish mocks me. I do not want my picture taken ever again but I will pose when asked. I am forever telling people to stop underestimating what they mean to others but I have no idea what I mean to people in my life. You could be someone’s hero even when you feel like a big fat nothing, I am trying to break free of my sadness. A sadness that does not seem to have a true origin. Is this what menopause is? A long journey into sad? I want to throw tantrums, but I am a grown woman and quite frankly who wants to see an overweight, older, adorable female throw herself on the floor of a local Trader Joe’s? I mean, what a way to go viral on social media! Thank the gods I have more restraint than that, well, at least I think I do.

img_20160827_160445606-1431898428.jpg

 

 

 

The Way It Is

It had been a good shower. The water just the right amount of heat. As I sat in my office combing my hair I could hear him fumbling around. “Hmmm, it’s only 5:37 am he shouldn’t be awake yet.” I said to myself, not seeing the cat in her Circle of Doom. I know why I could hear him. Asshole, the Ninja Cat had bounced into our bedroom eager for her early morning rubs,and brush routine. She is getting old and I think a little senile so … she does what she does. She is living her best life. I only wish we could say the same.

It is frustrating getting older, not just for me but my hubby as well. He often tells me to relax, that we will work everything out but he only says that in an attempt to calm me down, so I will feel safe. Hubby works a job stripping cartons off of trailers, sorting cartons by purchase orders onto pallets and then wheeling pallets down along a dock. Sounds simple enough, but it is heavy work and the constant walking back and forth is causing him hip issues because of the physical repetitive nature of his job. I want him to be free of the pain I know he is in. I want him to be able to work a job that he can excel in, one where he is appreciated and respected but we are “blue collar” which tends to limit possibilities for advancement or new job opportunities. Add to that we are both over the age of 50 so jobs are harder for us to secure.

We have been together for over 25 years and married for 23. A huge accomplishment for me on so many levels. I struggle with myself over so many issues: childhood bullsh*t I have a hard time letting go of and all the baggage I let that trauma create and yet I am the love of his life. Some days I want to run away, to go somewhere, to break free of life and all of its responsibilities. I become filled with a rage I find difficult to shake off and sometimes I don’t want to be married or tied to anyone in anyway, shape, or form. His love keeps me tethered. He can be frustrating. He doesn’t like change. He can be very single minded about a subject. He often has expectations I feel I can not meet. I allow him to get under my skin, my frustration levels rise, sometime we bicker. I want more for him but it is not in my power to grant it.

Sometimes by Friday he is worn out with nothing more to give. I called him out of work today. Somedays I cave and stay home with him. My anger over the situation spilling out of my mouth into words designed to hurt him. I lie to myself and promise that next time I will be more understanding, that I will be more supportive, that I will hold my tongue, that I will just go to work myself and find a way to keep up with the never ending supply of bills that NEED to be paid. Today I caved. Today I kept my promise, no words spilled. Today I am being supportive. I love this man. Somehow we will figure it all out. Today I chose peace over turmoil. The greatest gift we give each other is love. A job, is what you do, not WHO you are.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are MEANT To Be