Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

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You catch a glimpse of something at the edge of your line of sight. You are certain you see something; a sense of apprehension is growing. One minute life is what is has always been, and the next? You are moving forward at the speed of light, and just like a snap of the fingers thirty years has flown by. How curious and yet, how life affirming to know there has always been a constant in my adulting, my hubby and his strengths as a good human.

Let’s spend a moment of silence … Okay? Everything good?? Well, let me start by saying it is totally cool if that answer is NO. I have my daze. (You catch that play on words?) We are now working a new schedule with longer hours but shorter days. I wish sometimes that affecting a lifestyle change was as easy as stepping through a mirror or plunging down some shady ass rabbit hole but that my friends is not reality (I am a big fan of Alice in Wonderland). Everyone is (or should be) familiar with a quote that goes something like ” be the change you want to see in the world”. How many of us actually pursue it or believe we can change ourselves or the world around us? Scarce few of us, this I am certain. I used to be afraid. I am not anymore.

There was a time in my life when I felt overwhelmed by so many things around me. Growing up with little adult direction and guidance in my life colored all of my decisions, friendships, jobs, love, self-esteem, and sense of purpose. Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a maiden, who didn’t understand her worth. Never in her thoughts was there a happily ever after looming in her dreams. Until one day, her future changed paths and she said YES…to a different mindset, to a different reality, not a fairy tale. He may not be a prince but to me he is a king. I am loved. I am enough. He sees me for everything that I am and still loves me. He is everything to me. My love, my joy, my aggravation (yes, I said aggravation; this is life not a Disney movie), The Green Hornet to my Kato. Today is our 27th wedding anniversary. It still feels like we are just starting out on our life journey together.

We are each blessed to have found the other. You are my EVERYTHING I love you more than you will ever know, thank you for being you.

Walk Into A Brighter Future

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I wonder if you realize how brave you are? how strong? how wise? I admire you. You treat the people around you as if they are an intimate part of your life. You walk this life with a quiet dignity that makes people stop and take notice. You bring calm to a rolling storm with the utterance of a few kind words.

Your life path is headed in a new direction. I am so excited for all of the possibilities that await you. Remember that you are seen that you are enough just as you are and that is where the beauty lives.

I see you for all the things that you are. I see you for all the things you are capable of. I see you for the kindness you carry in your soul. True beauty is found in the things that you do, in what you say and in how you treat others. Kindness is an odd gift. You can be touched by kindness, yet you can’t own it. Its very nature demands that it be given away. That is its secret power. Its strength lies in the act of being given. It is not anyone’s to keep it needs to be shared.

I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved.

Today this is for me, I needed to remind myself of who I am because I have fought tooth and nail to become a better human. I am not the same person I once was. I like the human I am ever becoming.

In My Own Little Corner…

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In my own little chair… Rodgers and Hammerstein

I’m as mild and as meek as a mouse
When I hear a command I obey.
But I know of a spot in my house
Where no one can stand in my way.

In my own little corner in my own little chair
I can be whatever I want to be.
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open its arms to me. https://youtu.be/zLzWe2FXMIA

I am a child of the 60s & 70s. There was no internet or shopping on Sunday, no cellphones, and color television was in its youth. Disney was a family event on Sunday nights on NBC (the peacock network) and we watched all of the magic as a family. I first saw Cinderella sometime in the early 70s, not animated but with the most beautiful people a five- or six-year-old girl could ever imagine were real. Our family did not own a color television until the late 70s. As I remember it was not a new purchase but a cast off from a relative who could afford to buy a newer model. The colors on our secondhand TV were skewed a little? People should not be orange hued. Stereo sound was not an option until the 80s, yet I thought our secondhand TV was the most magical gift. Remote control channel changing was not a bonus on this set so one of us (the children, of course) always had to be on the ready for a channel change, which meant dashing across the room to spin the dial. I never wanted this job, as I might miss something of importance in a commercial or the opening scene of a show.

I was smitten (still am) with this adaptation of Cinderella. The actress (Lesley Ann Warren) who played Cinderella was in my young eyes so beautiful, so timid, so brave, so many things I tried to manage my feelings for. I really believed she was in that kitchen by the hearth dreaming of a better place, a happier place, a place where she was not afraid, where she could be anything she dreamed she could be.

Where is the wonder that I once knew? The reality of being an adult is that we lose our ability to see the world as we once did. I am at that point in my own life where all of my “heroes” are leaving this plane of existence. Lisa Loring, Cindy Williams, Olivia Newton-John, Irena Cara, Robbie Coltrane, Kirstie Allie, Sidney Poitier. For the record, Lesley Ann Warren is alive, and hopefully is doing well. In my heart of hearts she will always be my favorite Cinderella although Brandy comes in a very close second place.

To all of the people who have sat in their own little chair dreaming of better versions of themselves or that which surrounds you. I see you. I hear you. We are all capable of being more than we accept. You are ENOUGH. You are LOVED. You are beautiful. You are a wonder! You are everything to those that you love. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
    Of the world for ever, it seems.[2]

— Stanza 1 from Ode by Arthur O’ Shaughnessy 1873 borrowed by Roald Dahl for inclusion in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Tuesdays with Mary Beth

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First and foremost, I hate Tuesdays. Adulthood is nothing but living through endless Tuesdays as they plod along on a continuous loop replaying all the drama of the bad decisions you have made in past lives. I know a tad dramatic; but am I wrong? If you work Monday through Friday, no one and I mean no one ever says “Oh, I love TUESDAYs!”

Mondays are what they are. Wednesdays are hump days and who doesn’t enjoy a good…Thursday is payday for most but “the end of the work week is near” for me. Fridays are typical Fri,yay! go out with your friends, relax, order take out, and finish Wednesdays intentions, lol. Saturdays are not heavy with chores and Sunday is what Sunday is. Different for each of us but I try to make my Sunday as worry free and peace filled as possible. What is Tuesday for? Until recently I would have said not a thing but pent-up anger and work- a- day sludge, that is until I found the courage to join yet another gym.

I pulled my self-confidence out of moth balls, bought some yoga pants, and took a leap of faith. I have been a Weight Watcher for many years. I have lived through many “program” changes, some good, some horrible but I always manage to hang on. Why? because I need to. One day in October after I found that recent surgery results were benign, I strolled in off the street and asked for a tour of facilities. I have had my eye on Worcester Fitness for more than a few years. Nice location, super clean, dedicated, friendly staff. I will admit what drew me in was BARRE. One of the leaders at WWs, Glorya, inspired me. WWs always talks to members about exercising or our need to move more. Glorya always seems so excited when she talks about her BARRE classes. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was five. I know, a lifetime ago but a dream is a dream as long as you keep it alive by working on it.

Adulting is hard. Facing an unknown variable at any age is tough but I DID IT. I want something better for myself. Something that belongs to me, that I work hard for. I chose my health. As soon as I was signed up and an active member, I celebrated by hitting up Starbucks for my favorite iced cold brew. I drove home, told my hubby, my friend Suzy and then the tears of realization hit. I have joined so many gyms in my past, always full of hope and inspiration. I practically had myself quitting before I even started. Not this time. I went to the website and signed up for YOGA with Mary Beth for Monday night. I looked at the BARRE class for twenty minutes before I had enough courage to book that class as well for Tuesday.

A life really can change in a blink of an eye. I showed up for my first group class, YOGA. I loved it. The coach/instructor? Welcoming, friendly, easy to understand, patient, encouraging. I was hooked. I left that class feeling like I finally found my gym. I started BARRE class the next evening. I thought I was going to pass out. I slayed it! Ok, so maybe I hung on but I did it, an adult ballet class! Little girl Trish overcome with JOY as pure as a Christmas morning from my youth. I am learning so much about myself, about what I can do. I go to every class wanting to learn more, to absorb it all. I have met new wonderful people in all of the classes I sign up for. I am looking forward to the winter months. Really, who says that? And to my Tuesdays with Mary Beth and BARRE.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE !

Rolling Stone

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Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

On the Precipice of Nevermore

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I have been to the edge before; something (yes, that something is me) always happens, and I turn away. Lack of faith or fear of the unknown or? I have never trusted myself to find out what awaits me. Once I had the longest road to travel and was unsure of the way. I am older (who isn’t? lol) I have learned to live with my struggles. I have travelled far, seeing and doing many things I was afraid to try. I have opened my soul to new experiences, new people, new places. Have you ever undertaken a journey of many miles and lost track of the beauty in the route chosen? Well, that is story of my life in a brief sentence.

By embracing my journey, I have learned to accept not expect. I have learned to hug my world. Once upon a time I felt small, insignificant, un- something, wanted, loved, something was missing or so I thought. In setting myself free from people and things that were not right for me I changed. Change is scary but it can also be freeing and wonderful. I recently have had some health issues going on. I had to see my cardiologist, my primary care provider and my gynecologist. I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere, lol. I am fine. In fact, except for some touch up paint I am now medication free. How many 58-year-old people do you know that only need a daily vitamin and an allergy pill? I’ll wait.

I now find myself with a new sense of purpose to continue along my path, reach goal, maintain my progress forward for as long as I am able. I am at the top of my mountain, looking out over the precipice, determined to have other adventures, to meet new people, to enjoy whatever, nevermore will I doubt what I am worth. I am enough, I am loved. Never believe someone else’s vision of you. Something uttered in anger is thrown in an attempt to hurt. It is up to you to draw from it, hold onto it or set it free. Thank you for being part of my world. I hope you know how much I love you. You are loved. You are wanted. You mean more to me than I am able to convey. You are seen. You are heard.

The Only Way To Move…

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forward is to push through… and by that, at least for me, means to sort through the craptastic pile of menusha that sometimes explains my state of mind and/or my life. When there are things to say but there is no one to listen, do you say them anyway? Do you shout to the moon or whisper in the presence of the stars or maybe sing to the space that surrounds you? Have you ever been so disappointed by someone that you just don’t know how to move on even though you know you must. A door has been sealed shut and there is no throwing back the bolt that locks that door to regain entry…you are just on the other side, left with a bruised ego and an emptiness.

Why do we, why does anybody take the time to reach out to those around them? Is it because of an aura we can feel or see that is missing from our own souls? I reach out because I see something in you that sparks joy in me, or I see something in the ashes of your burned-out self that needs a smile or a kind gesture that tells you that I am a kindred spirit. A person who wants you to remember your worth, as a fellow human. The everyday feel of the moments of your life can weigh you down, make you feel like a gem that has lost its luster. I know I am a much better person when I let my true self shine. Why just live through another day? Why not LIVE through another day? Smile at someone you don’t know, compliment someone, anyone. A small act of kindness to one other person can be that link in a chain of wonderful happenstance that changes a moment or a feeling of being empty or alone for both of you =)

Tomorrow waits in the wings; my anticipation is high for a grand day. Saturdays are my day to adventure, to try something new and untried in my world. This summer has spent almost all of her magic, which makes me a little sad. She is like that favorite aunt you can’t wait to visit with and hate to have to leave. I have made a few new friends, I have visited some exciting new places, I have found interesting spots to have a nosh or two. I have come to understand myself more. I like the choices I am living with. I am happy in my life. I am blessed. I am enough. I am loved.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be…I’m not

3:33A.M.

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WHY? am I awake at this feckin’ early hour? Simple the pain of being. I am older and as such sometimes my body hurts, a lot. In my past I have broken a leg, an ankle, and my acromion ( top of one’s shoulder )of my right arm. My hips ache and my bony knees need cushioning while I sleep. There was no article of reference for this in my “How to Adult” booklet that was handed out in tenth grade! Wait, What? there was no hand out? WTF, serious mistake made by someone in Housekeeping that is all I can say.

The hubster and I are on our yearly two week break from taking orders and behaving like adults venture. I know most people refer to this time as vacation but seeing as we STAYcation most years it doesn’t hold the same allure for me. I do enjoy a good stretch of time off for good behavior though, truth be told. Anyone who knows me understands that I loathe my birthday; a long standing tradition of mine dating back to when I was wee, when I lacked the understanding of sharing a birthday with the county that I call home. One of us (not me, just to clarify) has much better fireworks and guest participation.

I have learned from the older version of myself that my Birthday can be quite amazing if I just go with the flow and set my inner child expectations to low instead of STUN. This year’s birthday; however, did indeed STUN. Hubby and I ventured to Gillette Stadium to go our first ever professional soccer game. We met up with some friends from our extended hockey family, tailgated (another first), laughed, and enjoyed our surroundings, the mayhem of the crowds, the heat of excitement and post game fireworks and music.

SO many things were different this rotation around the SUN this July versus last July. I know most people live January 1st to January 1st but my calendar is July to July, sorry not sorry. If you are a fellow July Peep, you get it. It’s not my fault the rest of the World lives within the Gregorian Calendar, formerly known as Julian time. I march to beat of the TRISH event calendar. Huzzah! I say! WHAT? Last year I was in turmoil. I was getting over major surgery. I was not in a healthy mind space. I felt adrift. Life moves on; if you can accept that some times paths, courses, and people change. I have changed. My tastes in all things is on a path of discovery. I am learning new things, accepting new challenges, meeting new people, I am maintaining my weight loss! For the very first time in my old lady life, I am choosing to stay healthy. I am wearing last seasons SUMMER clothes! Huge victory for me.

As of this musing, I no longer feel adrift. Who knew this feeling was normal and to be expected after surgery, not me, but then again I have NEVER had major surgery before. Life lesson learned = ) I will never understand why mental health still carries a stigma. Every person who draws breath sometimes struggles with feeling OKAY. I know life is a tough battle that is sometimes carried out on the battlefields of one’s mind. We all have value as individuals. We each have a life story. I am still working on mine. Welcome to the adventure. We will be traveling at a speed in which I feel comfortable. If you are boarding, please have your attitude ( only good vibes accepted at this time) and luggage ready. I promise you love, laughter, acceptance, and a rip roaring good time now and then. Remember…you are enough, you are beautiful, you are loved. Love the people in and around your life. Embrace your moments. SIDE NOTE…? I have even learned to enjoy the ART of a hug. It is sort of like the tiny libraries everyone has on their lawns these days: leave one, take one. LOL

Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant TO BE

The Wonder Of It All

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Have you ever just sit some place quiet and wonder about things? The place you choose doesn’t need to be fancy or even beautiful but it does have to offer or reflect a sense of calm. Well, it does for me at least. Lately I have been trying to figure out where in my timeline I swerved off my path. Not all changes that come to a life are planned or meaningful or meant to cause you pain. Once again I find myself at a rotary in my travels and I am not sure if I should take the second right or merge left.

I never hide or run from the fact that I can be a hot mess. “Normal” is a bullshit state of mind created by people who are unable or unwilling to admit that everybody struggles, themselves included. Sad for them because these types of people tend to keep themselves apart from others. They come off as aloof when in reality we, ( the divine inhabitants of the pool of hot messness ) scare the shit out of them or embarrass them or just plain make them feel uncomfortable, awkward.

The story of my life. I am okay with it, all of it. My life right now is in a state of flux. I think it may have started before I was forced to “see’ the changes around me but here I am. I am making waves with a new sense of who I am and what I am willing to “put up with”. I finally feel like I can stand on my own. No validation necessary. There are times however, when I miss what once was. I recently felt a surge of the happiness and good news vibe. It is an amazing feeling that makes you want to pick up the phone to call or text your BFF right away. It lingered only a moment but it happened. I am no longer a part of their lives. I allowed myself to feel unhappy for a touch of time and then put those negative thoughts away. Never waste time stirring an empty pot. I am loving where I am right now in my journey of discovery: new people, new challenges, passports, school, tour guide…my possibilities are endless.

In A Dream

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Or is it? a dream I mean. I think about you often. Once upon a time it was every moment of every day with every breath. I could not allow myself to accept that you had died. I still miss you. I would still give my life so you could have life but I am no longer crippled with sadness. Time does smooth a stone. Every year I tell myself that same little white lie, I will be strong. I will celebrate you…

You are there in the shadows waiting for me to give into the Mistress we call Sleep. I am sad. I am trying to stay awake, trying to make myself figure out what has triggered my tears. My soul knows but my mind does not want to give in. When I am lucky enough to see you in my dreams you are happy. There is a peace that surrounds you that escaped you when you were alive. Maybe that is just my deepest wish for you, that you found what you had spent all that time searching for. Today dawns the anniversary of your very last day. I like to think that we spent that day together but it is a lie. We talked but we were moving within our own lives, just like the days and months before your accident.

Sometimes in a storm we are unable to right our course or keep the boat from capsizing. I am sorry I didn’t realize you were in a storm. I love you. Love does not diminish with the years. I have a hard time recalling your voice now and that will only deepen as I age but your laugh is ever loud. Your beauty ever present.