Unwritten

I remembered the first time I actually listened to the words of this song. It really is the truth about life. Nothing in your life is etched in stone. No one knows what time or life will bring you, or how you will change, or when or why precious loved ones pass on. The one thing that is certain, today is unwritten. I can make my today anything I want.

Today I decided to use my first paid sick day of the new year. I like so many people in New England right now have been fighting off some nasty virus (not the flu) that takes hold of your soul and threatens not to let go for three weeks or more. My Christmas holidays were not any fun for me. I was just too sick. I long for my feeling of wellness to return. I am tired of feeling BEYOND tired. Truth is I called out from work today because I was up most of the night coughing. Looks like another call to my doctor for more “miracle elixir” antibiotics.

I work for an off priced retailer, in one of their many distribution centers that can be found across the United States and Canada. I am a data analyst. I know so exciting; but, please try to contain your enthusiasm. I need to be top form to do my job well. I check and correct reports for more than 300 people on a daily basis. If I am “off my game” I am more likely to make errors. I am supposed to be fix problems not create them.

I started working for this company in 1984 when I was young, beautiful, and full of dreams for myself. I often tell college interns and new associates “When I started here I was young and beautiful, now I am just beautiful.” usually after they ask me about myself and my illustrious career. I am just trying to ease the situational anxiety for them by injecting a little humor. I try to be an informed person. I am often approached about scenarios that are not work related because I have the reputation of being quite knowledgeable. I feel that I do my job well, but I can’t help wonder if I am capable of doing something else, in an entirely different company, doing something I have never done before.

Over time I lost faith in my dreams. I forgot that life is unwritten. I lost hope of ever being who I wanted to be. Am I too old to become a counselor? a nurse? an author? a singer? a ??? Dreams change with time. I can remember living in my small home town yearning for the day I was old enough to get my license. My license, for me, was the door that opened to the world of endless possibilities. I could go anywhere, be anybody I wanted. I was angry at the world for not having the good fortune that I perceived beautiful people had: nice family, nice house, bright future. It took many years of living for me too realize that what you see is not always the truth. People can have everything and nothing at the same time.

I often say,” Life is what happens when you have other plans.” Story of my life. I am not unhappy. I married a good guy. I have worked for the same company for 34 years. I have made many lifetime connections but sometimes I want more…

Carpe Diem! I still have time. My life is not finished. I have many chapters left unwritten.  The best version of yourself could just be out of your reach for the moment. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE.  Be a good human. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You’ve Got This!

Roll the Dice

It looks like the last time I blogged it was mid-November. Tomorrow is the last day of 2018. I am not one to make resolutions, too much folly. If I really wanted to exact change I could do it anytime I needed to not just because a new year was unfolding. I cleaned house after my last post, unfollowing a few blogs that in my opinion had become to preachy or at least they seemed that way to me. When I started writing I wanted to blog about being a successful WW but I am way better at the snacks than I am at the eating healthier. I painted myself into a corner by not writing about everyday things. Things that I care about along with the ups and downs of trying to mend bad habits. Every time I do really well at eating for a better me I find a way to sabotage myself. I am sure some of my failure comes from the weird expectations I put on myself. Some of it comes from making myself believe that some foods are not “good enough”. Some of the sabotage comes from WWs and their never ending making their plan better. Odd thing nutrition is what it is. I mean an egg is an egg while a root beer float is well.. you get what I am trying to say, I hope.

What has happened to my common sense? I remember once thumbing through a self help book called Eat This,selfhelp Not That. I thought it was an interesting concept but the problem with self help is that most people are only interested for short spurts. Jobs, spouses, life in general gets in the way and habits once formed are very tough to break. Self help books work like a Band-Aid, not a real fix just a temporary solution for a bigger problem.

I have been sick for most of December with a nasty virus coupled with an upper respiratory infection. I am just today feeling like myself. I managed to keep breakfast down this morning. I haven’t coughed or sneezed or peed on myself all day. Yes. I said peed. Fevers can be nasty things that wreak havoc. I am cautiously hopeful that the worst of my ordeal is over. I am not a very good patient. I hate the taste of medicine. My feeling out of sorts has made me prone to crying, another thing I loathe. Crying makes me feel weak and helpless.
I hated all the down time being sick gave me but I should be thankful for it because it made me slow my roll. I want to get back to things I enjoy. The goofy things that make me uniquely who I am. I am going to try to relax, stop, and smell the roses. Sing more because it makes me happy. Go back to complimenting a stranger, share a smile, and a moment. It is time for me to Step out of the damned box I have put myself into!

I need to practice being kinder to myself. I can’t do everything, nor do I want to. I want to be at peace. I need to learn to say NO and stick to it! I must take time alone to recharge my batteries. I will do things I enjoy even if it means doing those things alone. I need some distance from a few people I find I no longer enjoy. When did every one become so angry? You want to see more kindness in the world? THEN BE KIND! be the change you so desperately crave!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!!

Best Regards,
Trish

Shakespeare on a Sunday

Most stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. I see no relevance in discussing my beginnings. Right now I seem to be stuck in the middle so let’s start this story here. I am up to my full figured waist in IT right now. I need to get my head out of my arse. Why is it so difficult to stop doing something that brings nothing good to your life?  I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to convince myself to do it.

Sometimes the only way to get to the other shore is to jump into the water and swim towards the opposing shore. No complaints, no carefully made plans just thrusting full throttle for something other than what is currently not working for you. To quote Shakespeare, from Hamlet ,”This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” … and yet somehow every day I make compromises and I am not true to myself.

As many of you know I married a man whose passion is anything hockey. Every fall I find myself at odds about the start of the season, the loss of free time, the crappy weather, the angst that comes with game day prep (and he isn’t even on the team!) and the sense of loss I feel over not feeling the adrenal rush that every other hockey groupie gets. I have made many friends because of this sport. I cherish them all.  BUT…I miss my freedom. What can not be changed must be embraced. I am writing this missive not because I am looking for sympathy but for clarity in myself. It is time to stop complaining about something that at least for the moment is unlikely to change. I am uncertain how to move forward but I need to.

I have often wondered why every time I go on a eating better for better health kick I can’t make it a lifestyle. Why does doing well become my new obsession? Why do I lack the ability to stop all the thoughts that crowd my mind about being hungry? about wanting? about feeling deprived? about feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t born with a magical metabolism that keeps me thin? I have no energy for these bullshit thoughts anymore. I just want to feel healthy. I want to climb a flight of stairs and not feel like I am going to die from lack of oxygen. I want to bend over and tie my shoes. I want to stop feeling tight in my own skin. I want to stop obsessing. I want to feel vibrant. I want to wear and buy clothes without Spandex being my only option. With all of the ever changing methods of WWs(not that I am blaming them) and my own personal demons I am left feeling like I am trying to climb Mount Everest over a piece of toast. That is just wrong. EAT THE TOAST. I know what to do. It’s time to do it.

I am going to mix things up with my blog, spend less time commiserating about my struggles. Write about the joy of life. I know it’s out there.

JOY
Joy

I Love A Parade

There is a parade tomorrow in Plymouth Massachusetts and I will be there. I love the waterfront district of this town. If one is so inclined and the Mayflower is in dock a person can get lost in an afternoon of history. More than a few years ago my bestie and I journeyed through the pouring rain to go adventure at Plimouth Plantation and the Mayflower with her littles. I have been smitten ever since. America’s Hometown, birthplace of the very first Thanksgiving celebration. I love visiting here. It still has that small town feel to it. There is a park near Plymouth Rock Pavilion (yes, it has a pavilion)that was created to honor the women of the Mayflower. It is a beautiful spot for a stroll. Plymouth is also home to the oldest continuously inhabited street, Leyden Street, which is said to have been home for some of the passengers from the voyage. I am hoping for clear skies and fair winds tomorrow.
There is much to be thankful for just look around you. Love the people in your life. Framily is everything. In case I haven’t told you lately, thanks for being part of my life. Adventure on!

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see the ‘real” one in Pilgrim Hall
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Brave women
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beautiful park
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Plymouth MA

Asshole, the Ninja Cat

No, that’s not really her name but whenever she bites me and I am not expecting it, I admit, I usually call her Asshole. I love this cat. I hate this cat. I will be devastated when her time comes and she leaves for Rainbow Bridge someday. For the very first time yesterday, I gave her oral medication before a visit to the vet. My little cat friend is closing in on being an ancient beast of fifteen. She needed some dental attention and is too old to put under anesthesia. I stood in the exam room out of the way as the Vet scraped the plaque off my cat’s teeth. As my cat was under the influence of some pretty good tranquilizers she didn’t struggle much and I am told felt no pain. Well, I felt pained. There was blood. I didn’t expect to see blood. She has a loose tooth she will undoubtedly lose while eating. She has a cavity in another tooth and will have to return to the vet in a month to check for infection and to see what we will do to fix this situation, if it can be fixed. Pepper is a ninja. In all the years I have owned her she has never once let me clip her nails or brush her teeth. She has amazing reflexes. I am the one who ends up with damages, scratches, and bite marks. Any time I have attempted to do things she does not want she draws blood, mine.

I was a lost soul after my kid sister died. I hate the term passed away. She didn’t pass anything. She was involved in a car accident that claimed her life, like some Netherworld badass took her life in token, almost as if it held a winning lottery ticket from the other side of the veil. It has taken me a long time to sort of come to terms with my loss. Some days I am still painfully angry but Pepper, my cat, helps me find a space of peace and love.

She makes me get out of bed in the morning. She butts her head into my legs when she is in need of love and smoochies. She bites my feet through the blankets when I toss and turn too much and disrupt her sleep. She is the one who sits on my chest and gazes into my face until my unconscious self becomes aware. She is velvet soft. She purrs instantly if I rub her head or brush out her mane. She prefers human hairbrushes to cat combs. I have to keep mine away from her reach or she will claim it as her own.

My ninja cat is an oddity. She was weened too young (not my fault) her tummy cannot tolerate wet food. She likes to lick the salt off potato chips and will steal pretzels from you if you are not careful. She adores raisins. I know they are poisonous to cats. If I accidentally drop a raisin it becomes a race to see if I will be able to pick it up before she sweeps in with her ninja reflexes and consumes it. I don’t eat raisins in the house often…she is that fast. She adores fresh carrots, balsamic vinaigrette, and grilled chicken.  She loves the smell of my mint dental floss, so much so that I have to conceal it in the trash bin to keep her from taking it after I have discarded it or she will steal it to chew on as if it were her own. I can not wear any lip balm to bed containing peppermint oil. She will wait until I fall asleep and have a tasting binge of my face.

Her little soul has become part of my being. Talking to the vet yesterday I felt myself getting teary eyed. I see more clearly now that she is aging. Sometimes I have to pick her up to put her on the bed. She has slowed down some. After a long nap she favors one leg a little more than the others so she limps. Her hearing is not as acute as it once was. I can sneak up on her if she is in a deep sleep. She seeks me out more often for cuddles and wants to snuggle under blankets even when it is not cold. Love for a pet is a real thing. I love her more than I realized.

 

 

 

The Pain of Being Me

Some times I am not honest enough with myself; other times I am so honest I hurt my own feelings. I mean WTF? Imagine if I just let myself live in peace?!?!? Once again I find myself in a space I created, and an unsafe one at that. I am sure you have all heard the phrase ‘to paint oneself into a corner’.
beetlebailey Well, I am really good at doing that. Lately I have been getting to the end of my work day feeling exhausted, drained, and spent. I took a hiatus from trying to be healthy right around this time last year and well, just as you might think, I am fluffy. I am getting way to old to keep fighting with myself. The fight is over. No winner, just a draw. No rematch planned. I just can’t do this bugsbunny gif  to myself anymore.

I own all that is me. The things I have built into the legend that is me and the things that are just my sad truths. No more hiding, no more trying to conform. People will either  like me or not, their choice, not mine. Choose wisely. What is next for me? I really don’t know. I will continue to share things to my blog. I will continue to be a hot mess but from now on I am going to try my hardest to be less of a hot mess. I am picking up the pieces of my puzzle. I will keep trying to arrange them into some version of myself I can live comfortably with. I need to worry about my health before I find myself chasing after what I once took for granted.

I am watching old TV specials of Barbra Streisand as I free write (putting down what ever pops into my grey matter) this blog post. Somehow in the course of living I forgot how much I really love her voice. Perhaps there is still time in my life to SING because it makes me happy. Do you think that some people are just born with the talent to sing? I mean really sing without any voice lessons? Streisand helped me survive my teenage years. I would come home from school feeling friendless, angry, and ugly. I would turn up the volume on my mother’s Emerson stereo and sing every album I owned of hers. I would sing away all the hurt, disappointment, and uncertainty of school day. Her music would take me to a place of hope. Every note, every change in key, every breath carefully taken between key notes in the music or phrasing. My brain knows and can still reproduce every song even after all these years.  I still don’t need a pitch pipe.pitch pipe

 

A Fit About FIT

I guess my question to those who make dress clothes for “overweight nation’ is, why do you insist on multiple closures on a pair of pants that are countersunk or gathered? Isn’t it humiliating enough that often my clothes are of garish prints and horrible materials?

I am overweight. I am not void of style. You, dear clothing manufacturer just make it more difficult to express. I have struggled with finding the who that I am. I clearly, solidly identify as female but your clothing forces me to shop in mens clothing sometimes and I feel generic. While I am on the subject, what is it with all the size increments? I might be a 17 Junior or an 18 or a 18 Misses but more likely I could be an 18 Womans? and you wonder why females have body image issues!img_20181020_131256399-1932535022.jpg

Recently I have come to the decision that I miss being happy, truly happy. I am in my life everyday and yet there are things I keep missing like the joy of a sunny day, laughs with a good friend, taking a walk on a calm day, being okay with the person that I am at this moment. I just want peace in my life.

I have always been more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of a girl. Poet blouses and soft sweaters. I would love a new pair of cowgirl boots = ). I am going to go back to the version of myself I feel most comfortable with. I like who I am! I just didn’t believe in me. I let the pressures of trying to be someone and something I am not guide my choices.

It is never too late to chose happiness. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

I would like to say thank you to all of the women in my life that accept me just as I am. I think that you are all amazing, beautiful, supportive, kind, generous…some times in life one can be surrounded by great people and not realize it. The true blessing is being smart enough to recognize your good fortune.

 

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Get Into The Groove

I feel like Stella. I need to find a way to get my groove back. Every day I find myself searching for something I lost along my way but what is it that I have lost? Well, my words for one. I used to be able to sit alone with my thoughts and bang out a blog post about how I was feeling, things I was experiencing, adventures I was having. I like to think that occasionally I made you laugh, cry, think, and maybe remember or appreciate the love you have been gifted with from the people in your life.

Life is in the doing. I guess I need to get back to the doing, going, pursuing, being in my life. I am saddened by the hatred I keep seeing in my feeds on social media. Fake news, fake people, fake lives. It distresses me. I have started to purge people from my lists that bring nothing to the table. No joy, no happiness, no laughter = (equals) no longer on my list of friends.  I am having a difficult enough time not losing my own happiness thread. I really don’t need people unhappy in their own circumstance dragging me into things I know nothing about that I want to know nothing about. I guess you can say I am being smart enough to come in from the rain.

I am not enjoying my journey into menopause. I think it is the most horrible gift the Creator ever bestowed on women. Don’t we suffer enough? I think I would have rather preferred to receive a telegram.

via WESTERN UNION

ATTENTION! stop NEWS FLASH! stop

You are far too old to pro create stop

You will no longer be visited on by FLO stop

Love, your Creator stop

But… we ladies all know that is not what happens. I have noticed that some days I am so warm I could probably dry wet laundry. I am not a small woman. I have only occasionally felt the ickyness of boob sweat, eww so gross, no seriously never before in my life have my boobs been so prone to sweat, yuck. I even thought about buying TaTa towels® but l lack the confidence to buy them online. Can I get someone to please tell me why I find everything so worthy of tears? I have never been a big crier. My forte has always been ANGER. Resting Bitch Face a daily exercise when faced with a situation I wanted no part of. Now, I find myself crying over, I am sorry to say it but it is true, spilt milk.

There are other troubling things though I have not seen them yet, I am warned that my beautiful hair will thin as my waist line expands. Since I am already overweight I hope this part does not come true. I like my hair the way it is, on my head, and I really want my waist line to thin down. I have been working on the latter for some 25 years now! I’d really hate for the struggle to be over before I am truly ready to give up and throw in the TaTa towel®

 

Love Handles

I was thinking in the shower this morning, while I was shaving my legs of all things, that lately I feel like my love handles have turned into carry-on luggage.

It is no big secret that I jumped off my wagon and pushed that bitch right off a cliff but the time has come for me to get back to the journey at hand. This morning I woke up with a feeling that there is a fast approaching corner that I am speeding into. I need a new wagon. I need to start managing my health in a different way.

Hockey starts next month and then in short order, my anger becomes a problem, for me. I turn this misplaced disappointment in on myself. I sulk, I feel sorry for myself, and then I eat things no serious diabetic should. I feel trapped by something that is not my passion. The days get shorter as well as my temper. I say hurtful things, sometimes to the people I love the most. Hockey and all things pursuant of hockey is my hubster’s passion, not mine.  His full on zest for hockey has killed all of the like I once held for this sport. Every year I promise myself not to sit at the booster club table and eat the candy…every year that promise lasts maybe ten minutes. I will not do this to myself this year.

If you really read my blog and not just “like” it to be nice, you know that I often say never under estimate what you mean to someone. I am always surprised when someone from WWs reaches out to me and asks how I have been or why I have stopped going or the level of kindness that is shown to me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I really like the back and forth when I am at a meeting. I have met many amazing people. I make them laugh, they make me think. I just wish the corporate side of WWs would stop reinventing their program EVERY YEAR! We all know that if you eat twice as much as you need, you will weigh twice as much as you should! I am always the one I hurt the most when I give up on myself. It is time I start to believe in what I am capable of again. I miss feeling wonderful, healthy, and alive!

I have been wanting to return for some time now but have lacked the faith in myself to overcome my fear of failure. Failure is a great teacher, even if she is a bitch to live with. Failure has taught me that I have the strength to try again. I am more than I think I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

 

muffintop
A movie? Seriously? 

muffin-top-baking-cups-2
muffin top anyone?

 

August

It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be