Rolling Stone

Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

On the Precipice of Nevermore

I have been to the edge before; something (yes, that something is me) always happens, and I turn away. Lack of faith or fear of the unknown or? I have never trusted myself to find out what awaits me. Once I had the longest road to travel and was unsure of the way. I am older (who isn’t? lol) I have learned to live with my struggles. I have travelled far, seeing and doing many things I was afraid to try. I have opened my soul to new experiences, new people, new places. Have you ever undertaken a journey of many miles and lost track of the beauty in the route chosen? Well, that is story of my life in a brief sentence.

By embracing my journey, I have learned to accept not expect. I have learned to hug my world. Once upon a time I felt small, insignificant, un- something, wanted, loved, something was missing or so I thought. In setting myself free from people and things that were not right for me I changed. Change is scary but it can also be freeing and wonderful. I recently have had some health issues going on. I had to see my cardiologist, my primary care provider and my gynecologist. I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere, lol. I am fine. In fact, except for some touch up paint I am now medication free. How many 58-year-old people do you know that only need a daily vitamin and an allergy pill? I’ll wait.

I now find myself with a new sense of purpose to continue along my path, reach goal, maintain my progress forward for as long as I am able. I am at the top of my mountain, looking out over the precipice, determined to have other adventures, to meet new people, to enjoy whatever, nevermore will I doubt what I am worth. I am enough, I am loved. Never believe someone else’s vision of you. Something uttered in anger is thrown in an attempt to hurt. It is up to you to draw from it, hold onto it or set it free. Thank you for being part of my world. I hope you know how much I love you. You are loved. You are wanted. You mean more to me than I am able to convey. You are seen. You are heard.

The Only Way To Move…

forward is to push through… and by that, at least for me, means to sort through the craptastic pile of menusha that sometimes explains my state of mind and/or my life. When there are things to say but there is no one to listen, do you say them anyway? Do you shout to the moon or whisper in the presence of the stars or maybe sing to the space that surrounds you? Have you ever been so disappointed by someone that you just don’t know how to move on even though you know you must. A door has been sealed shut and there is no throwing back the bolt that locks that door to regain entry…you are just on the other side, left with a bruised ego and an emptiness.

Why do we, why does anybody take the time to reach out to those around them? Is it because of an aura we can feel or see that is missing from our own souls? I reach out because I see something in you that sparks joy in me, or I see something in the ashes of your burned-out self that needs a smile or a kind gesture that tells you that I am a kindred spirit. A person who wants you to remember your worth, as a fellow human. The everyday feel of the moments of your life can weigh you down, make you feel like a gem that has lost its luster. I know I am a much better person when I let my true self shine. Why just live through another day? Why not LIVE through another day? Smile at someone you don’t know, compliment someone, anyone. A small act of kindness to one other person can be that link in a chain of wonderful happenstance that changes a moment or a feeling of being empty or alone for both of you =)

Tomorrow waits in the wings; my anticipation is high for a grand day. Saturdays are my day to adventure, to try something new and untried in my world. This summer has spent almost all of her magic, which makes me a little sad. She is like that favorite aunt you can’t wait to visit with and hate to have to leave. I have made a few new friends, I have visited some exciting new places, I have found interesting spots to have a nosh or two. I have come to understand myself more. I like the choices I am living with. I am happy in my life. I am blessed. I am enough. I am loved.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be…I’m not

3:33A.M.

WHY? am I awake at this feckin’ early hour? Simple the pain of being. I am older and as such sometimes my body hurts, a lot. In my past I have broken a leg, an ankle, and my acromion ( top of one’s shoulder )of my right arm. My hips ache and my bony knees need cushioning while I sleep. There was no article of reference for this in my “How to Adult” booklet that was handed out in tenth grade! Wait, What? there was no hand out? WTF, serious mistake made by someone in Housekeeping that is all I can say.

The hubster and I are on our yearly two week break from taking orders and behaving like adults venture. I know most people refer to this time as vacation but seeing as we STAYcation most years it doesn’t hold the same allure for me. I do enjoy a good stretch of time off for good behavior though, truth be told. Anyone who knows me understands that I loathe my birthday; a long standing tradition of mine dating back to when I was wee, when I lacked the understanding of sharing a birthday with the county that I call home. One of us (not me, just to clarify) has much better fireworks and guest participation.

I have learned from the older version of myself that my Birthday can be quite amazing if I just go with the flow and set my inner child expectations to low instead of STUN. This year’s birthday; however, did indeed STUN. Hubby and I ventured to Gillette Stadium to go our first ever professional soccer game. We met up with some friends from our extended hockey family, tailgated (another first), laughed, and enjoyed our surroundings, the mayhem of the crowds, the heat of excitement and post game fireworks and music.

SO many things were different this rotation around the SUN this July versus last July. I know most people live January 1st to January 1st but my calendar is July to July, sorry not sorry. If you are a fellow July Peep, you get it. It’s not my fault the rest of the World lives within the Gregorian Calendar, formerly known as Julian time. I march to beat of the TRISH event calendar. Huzzah! I say! WHAT? Last year I was in turmoil. I was getting over major surgery. I was not in a healthy mind space. I felt adrift. Life moves on; if you can accept that some times paths, courses, and people change. I have changed. My tastes in all things is on a path of discovery. I am learning new things, accepting new challenges, meeting new people, I am maintaining my weight loss! For the very first time in my old lady life, I am choosing to stay healthy. I am wearing last seasons SUMMER clothes! Huge victory for me.

As of this musing, I no longer feel adrift. Who knew this feeling was normal and to be expected after surgery, not me, but then again I have NEVER had major surgery before. Life lesson learned = ) I will never understand why mental health still carries a stigma. Every person who draws breath sometimes struggles with feeling OKAY. I know life is a tough battle that is sometimes carried out on the battlefields of one’s mind. We all have value as individuals. We each have a life story. I am still working on mine. Welcome to the adventure. We will be traveling at a speed in which I feel comfortable. If you are boarding, please have your attitude ( only good vibes accepted at this time) and luggage ready. I promise you love, laughter, acceptance, and a rip roaring good time now and then. Remember…you are enough, you are beautiful, you are loved. Love the people in and around your life. Embrace your moments. SIDE NOTE…? I have even learned to enjoy the ART of a hug. It is sort of like the tiny libraries everyone has on their lawns these days: leave one, take one. LOL

Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant TO BE

The Wonder Of It All

Have you ever just sit some place quiet and wonder about things? The place you choose doesn’t need to be fancy or even beautiful but it does have to offer or reflect a sense of calm. Well, it does for me at least. Lately I have been trying to figure out where in my timeline I swerved off my path. Not all changes that come to a life are planned or meaningful or meant to cause you pain. Once again I find myself at a rotary in my travels and I am not sure if I should take the second right or merge left.

I never hide or run from the fact that I can be a hot mess. “Normal” is a bullshit state of mind created by people who are unable or unwilling to admit that everybody struggles, themselves included. Sad for them because these types of people tend to keep themselves apart from others. They come off as aloof when in reality we, ( the divine inhabitants of the pool of hot messness ) scare the shit out of them or embarrass them or just plain make them feel uncomfortable, awkward.

The story of my life. I am okay with it, all of it. My life right now is in a state of flux. I think it may have started before I was forced to “see’ the changes around me but here I am. I am making waves with a new sense of who I am and what I am willing to “put up with”. I finally feel like I can stand on my own. No validation necessary. There are times however, when I miss what once was. I recently felt a surge of the happiness and good news vibe. It is an amazing feeling that makes you want to pick up the phone to call or text your BFF right away. It lingered only a moment but it happened. I am no longer a part of their lives. I allowed myself to feel unhappy for a touch of time and then put those negative thoughts away. Never waste time stirring an empty pot. I am loving where I am right now in my journey of discovery: new people, new challenges, passports, school, tour guide…my possibilities are endless.

In A Dream

Or is it? a dream I mean. I think about you often. Once upon a time it was every moment of every day with every breath. I could not allow myself to accept that you had died. I still miss you. I would still give my life so you could have life but I am no longer crippled with sadness. Time does smooth a stone. Every year I tell myself that same little white lie, I will be strong. I will celebrate you…

You are there in the shadows waiting for me to give into the Mistress we call Sleep. I am sad. I am trying to stay awake, trying to make myself figure out what has triggered my tears. My soul knows but my mind does not want to give in. When I am lucky enough to see you in my dreams you are happy. There is a peace that surrounds you that escaped you when you were alive. Maybe that is just my deepest wish for you, that you found what you had spent all that time searching for. Today dawns the anniversary of your very last day. I like to think that we spent that day together but it is a lie. We talked but we were moving within our own lives, just like the days and months before your accident.

Sometimes in a storm we are unable to right our course or keep the boat from capsizing. I am sorry I didn’t realize you were in a storm. I love you. Love does not diminish with the years. I have a hard time recalling your voice now and that will only deepen as I age but your laugh is ever loud. Your beauty ever present.

…Happily Ever AFTER

After what? Hmm? Really, why do we have to wait for after? What if after never comes? I will be happy now in the present not AFTER : I own my own home, or get the best job, or wait until the debts are paid down. Happily ever after is an old timey way of feeling good about living through a rough patch, being greeted with fresh hope for the better tomorrows that may never come. Screw that.

We met at hockey. She was part of the staff of security guards at our local arena/convention center/concert venue. We hit it off. We have had some good belly laughs over the years. We have gossiped, chatted, compared war wounds, and held our heads as high up as we could manage when one of us got our wings clipped ( life decides to throw a curve ball ). She is the one I walk with whenever we both manage some time away from commitments, chores and other miscellaneous happenings.

She has always been the shoulder I seek to lean on when I need to lean. She never tells me to get over myself, or stop being a baby, or “grow up” she listens. She hears me. I hope she feels the same way about me. I try to be her sounding board when she wants to vent, “no strings attached”, no judgements thrown or made. She is indeed a rare find. Her and her hubby have not had the best of it lately. There have been too many doctor/hospital visits in the recent months. Yet, she still manages to be as open, upbeat, and well, her. Everyone takes a beating from life. You just can’t let it beat you in the race. Show up, participate, be your best self. She has taught me so much. Don’t just listen but hear what is said. Take in all of the beauty around you. She is the best kind of friend, in being herself I have become a better person.

I wonder if you realize how brave you are? how strong? how wise? Your life path is headed in a new direction. I will not leave you because that life path has become difficult. It just means that some days I will lead. All you have to do is call… I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved.

LIFE?

Is a tough game nobody wins, everyone has to play, and the ending, well, it never goes the way one thinks it ought. I scribbled this note to myself because as I was chatting with a co-worker, it struck me that LIFE…Is what happens when you have other plans! We were discussing how life goes awry. How random, how strange, how wonderful, how scary, how unfair, how infuriating… the reasons never ending. It is a grand undertaking and should be lived full tilt to the best of ones ability. Having said that previous statement I realize my idea of full tilt and your idea are probably vastly different. At my age living full tilt can mean peeling off my bra, flinging it wayward towards the couch, kicking off my sneaks for Crocs, as soon as I cross the threshold into my house, without putting my work paraphernalia down! But, usually I wait to be that bold until after I have had my first cup of coffee = ). Decompress from a stress filled day first then calmly change into more comfortable attire.

LIFE is like a deck of cards. It gets shuffled many times, sometimes it comes up all aces and sometimes you get dealt the joker. What are you going to do? Learn to play the hand you are dealt. Not an easy thing to do and yet, that is the choice. I have spent too many years running from obstacles LIFE threw in my way. The more I ran away the more lost I became. The more unhappy I was. I zoned out of my life and spent precious time on people and situations that I should not have. I learned some pretty tough lessons but I am a better person because of it. I can not be what YOU want or what YOU need. I can only be me. I am probably not your cup of tea and that is okay. It really is. I used to feel badly about all of that but I got over it, mostly.

What does it mean to pity someone? …It’s when you feel sorry for them because they are not up to your standards, whatever that might be. Are you being helpful or hurtful? Or are you simply telling yourself a lie in the hopes that you will feel better about who you are as a person? Intriguing? It ought to be. I have been scorned, bullied, and pitied in my life because I am different. SPOILER ALERT. I was not thin when I was younger. I was not popular. I have odd personality traits. I can not have children. I understand now that inviting sympathy & pity in for a sit and chat was not a wise decision on my part. It is so easy to get used to their company. They give you a false sense of “everything will be all right”. BUT…nothing in your life or about you will change unless you change. Figure out who you want to be and then try to become more like that ideal. It is not done easily. Hell, I am soon to be 58 ( I know, right?) and I still work on who I want to be everyday.

My changing/maturing had nothing to do with the empathy and/or pity freely given either (pity implies tender or sometimes slightly contemptuous sorrow for one in misery or distress). It had more to do with my growing up, realizing I didn’t need to be like everyone else. I did not want to be pitied. There is no joy there, no way to grow as a human. My happiness, my life, my marriage is MY business. I got on with living life. Having children does not make your life magically wonderful or turn you into a better person or make all your dreams come true. It just makes you a person with added responsibilities to tiny humans. I am living my best life right now; because I finally realized my life is better than I hoped it would be. I have friends I enjoy who enjoy me. I am loved. I am enough. I am… no longer worried about sitting with the “cool kids”.

I finally grew up. I am not sorry one bit for my journey. It is true we mature when we are ready. I was finally ready. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Impossible!?

or is it I’m possible? Sometimes the things we want to accomplish in life are near impossible to obtain. Things and situations we feel we need in our lives can seem out of our reach: the perfect job, the perfect spouse, THE HOUSE of our dreams, the gaggle of cool friends. It can all be yours. You just have to believe in yourself, that your dreams are possible, and…then WORK your ass off to achieve your goals. I mean, sure, maybe there is no such thing as a perfect spouse but love eventually finds its way to most people. It can feel like perfection if the chemistry is right and both players are not ass hats. I never wanted perfect just someone to love; to love what we made together (our life), and to accept that our road might have twists, turns, adventures, and a never ending supply of sarcasm. I am thankful we both have jobs (far from perfect), we eventually bought a house we both love (not the dream house) and we have some pretty amazing friends.

Right now as I sit in my office waxing on, I can hear my Mr. Right yelling, “shoot the puck!” at his computer. I never used to believe in finding a Mr. Right but rather a “Mr. You’ll Do For Now” as I always seemed to get whoever was left! over. Funny how life surprised me, how it keeps on surprising me. I know he is watching or listening to a hockey game. He is in his happy zone even if it doesn’t always sound that way. I am happy, drinking coffee, planning adventures for the up coming summer season and feeling that my “dreams” are possible. It is possible for me to? do whatever I set my mind to.

Letting go of something that doesn’t fit into my life anymore is hard for me but I am getting to a better place about it everyday. Change what you can when you must. Accept that which is unacceptable. Acceptance is the key to becoming a better version of yourself.

Food for thought? One cannot unfry an egg nor can One drink from an empty cup.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Unfettered

Every Sunday I make my way to Shrewsbury to go to my WWs meeting. I buy myself a coffee, as a sort of enticement for a job well done or at least attempted, from my local Starbucks. More than once I have pinched, swiped, taken or asked if I could have a painted rock from the drive-thru window. I assure you it is okay. The rocks are left there in loving tribute to Zoe Wolfus, a Shrewsbury teen who died by suicide.

I never had the pleasure of knowing this wonderful human. Being a local to this area I have seen the write up for her from the obituary. I have read tributes to her on Facebook. I just wanted to say thank you to the Universe in hopes that somewhere she will feel that little spark of joy on a Sunday which makes all the difference and I am sure not just to me. Her friends and family paint the rocks as a way to pay her life forward. She wanted the world to be a better place.

Any time we choose kindness the world IS a better place. If you or a loved one needs help, ask for it. Someone is always willing to listen. Love is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Trust the people in your life to be there for you. As people we often go to extreme measures to save the littlest of creatures but we are fearful to ask for help for ourselves.

You are enough. You are loved. Believe in your beauty.

You Are Stronger Than You Know.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be