My Inner Child

sometimes gets in the way of my 55 years of age. I had a panic attack today. In my life I have gotten myself into some shitty situations because I tend to leap before I look, or plan, or think. In a very short short span of time (6 days to be exact) I will be going on an adventure to of all places to Universal Studios in Florida. Wait, wait for it…without my hubby. I have never been to Florida. The last time I went to an amusement park? Just about 26 years ago in 1994, my kid sister and I took our nephews to Rocky Point Park in Warwick RI. A lot has changed since then.

My inner child decided late Spring of 2019 to be bold. I was out somewhere with my friend Jadira when inspiration hit me. I NEEDED a grand vacation. I needed to see Harry Potter in all its glory. I needed to feel like part of something bigger than myself and my small life. I think a little back story is necessary here just so there is no WTF moment later on.

My Dad always wanted to take his kids to Disney. After my Aunt Mary died in March of 2004, my kid sister and I were going to surprise him. We were going to find a way to get my Dad and his three girls to Disney. We never got to because life often has other ideas. My beloved kid sister died in a car accident, just two months after my aunt passed. I was broken, the family was broken. I struggled for years with my parents declining health. I was never really in a good frame of mind for long. I just sort of lived on the periphery of life pretending to be in my moments, being happy, “moving on “.  Don’t get the wrong idea. I had plenty of happy. I have a good life. I love and I know I am loved but grief is like a scarf you can’t take off. It hangs around your neck both easing your pain and causing it. Eventually both of my parents died and I was suddenly free but still a captive.

I wanted to be more for myself so I decided some time ago to work on being better to myself…and that is when my inner child took that leap of faith. I was finally ready to let my soul soar to new heights, to be invested in my well being.  I am excited to be flying, to be traveling, to be on an epic adventure but I am also anxious. Over the years I have fallen into the habit of singing in public. I guess you could say it is my therapy animal. Singing is my escape, my solace, my friend. It doesn’t matter if my notes fall flat. It is who I am. It is what I do for me. It can also be highly inappropriate, embarrassing and a burden to the people I am hanging with. I want to have fun on my mini vaca. I want to sing with reckless abandon but it’s not fair to my travel companion or her kiddles. I am feeling anxious because I am trusting the journey. I am not in the drivers seat. I am being in the moment without a safety net.

I have let Jadira make all of our travel arrangements as I have no experience at all in this arena. She is very knowledgeable about destination vacations and all of the manusha that goes with it.  We will have the best time.

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

It is 5:30 in the morning on the 1st day of the last year in this decade. Yes. it is the last year of the decade! Nothing and no body starts at year one but at day one. Except in some cultures where you are born and considered to be nine months old, time spent in utero counts. Wish I could use that one when it comes time to retire. I am sitting in my office thinking about the year 2019. I am not a big fan of “the year was good to me, bad to me” time is elusive. It is the events and people within that year that make IT memorable. Let’s face it a lot of shitty things happen to each of us in a course of a year. People we love pass away, sometimes we get sick, or depressed. Jobs are lost, or change. New friends are gained. Some old friends are left by the wayside no longer fitting into what a person needs or wants. Life is ever moving,  just like time.

I haven’t really written much since July. I guess I needed a break from my thoughts. I love to write but sometimes if I am not careful it leads me down the path to depression. I find if I spend too much time in my own head I can’t escape my pain. The first part of 2019 was like many years before it, the same old dog and pony ride. I was angry. I am always angry. Most people I know might not believe that to be the case but it is true. I am angry. It is my greatest challenge and my biggest downfall. I decided sometime before my Auntie’s surgery to let anger take a vacation. I really needed a break from her so I sent her away.  I am better for it. My relationship with my hubby is better. I feel better around myself and other people. I even went back to WWs.

In retrospect I would have to say that I was good to 2019.  I found myself. Who I have always been but was afraid to be. I feel at peace with myself (right now, at this moment). I am trying to find my joy everyday. I am participating in my life and in my well being. I have made some new friends. Some of my other friendships are changing and I am okay with that. When a pond stays stagnant for too long its life force dies.  I am working on the things on my “bucket list”. I have even managed to get a few things crossed off. Silly, I know but a life not lived or not being able to find joy in is not living.

My wish for 2020? peace

The Heart of the Matter

I have experienced great loss in my life. My kid sister, my Mom, my Pops, my cousin Mike. I love each of them dearly in entirely different ways. Both my cousin and my sister were on the younger side of life. My world was shaken to its core the day my sister died. Losing her changed me in ways I never imagined a person could change. I am kinder. I am in my moments. I tell people I love them. I HUG. I am less guarded with my emotions, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. Some days I am still a shit. I can be hateful but I try to be the better version of myself everyday.

I am writing this because I am trying to reign in my emotions. I have had a tough couple of days which in all honesty pales in comparison to the last couple of days in life of someone I love, my Auntie T. I love this woman. She is my Mother’s kid sister. She has always been the cool Aunt. The one who took you on adventures when you were a kid. The one who bought you the Christmas gift your parents didn’t know you needed. She took me to have my picture taken by a photographer before I started Kindergarten. I was petrified of the camera. She was so patient. I am part Native American so who knows maybe our ancestors knew a thing or two about soul stealers? When I was a little girl, before my Auntie started a family of her own, she was my magic. There was always something about her, almost like an energy, a force of nature.

As life sometime goes, in the process of growing up you also grow away. Life is a selfish journey sometimes and though no one is at fault we all move in directions that sometime remove us from the people we love the most. My teen years and her own growing family changed our dynamic.  We were busy moving in our own circles. Our lives on very separate paths for a long time…and then my sister died, and my mother was not well. Over the next few years I grew closer to my Auntie again. I guess I never realized just how much she has meant to me until she told me that she needed heart surgery.

My own mother had heart surgery when she was 48 or 49 years old. She almost did not survive. My mother smoked. She was obese. She struggled with mental illness. The real problems with her recovery were linked to a 3 pack a day smoking habit and the amount of psyche meds she was on. She was in a medically induced coma for several days and her body did not want to breathe again on its own.  Eventually my mother got better and after a very long 10 months she was back to herself. The vision of my mom lying lifeless after surgery lives in my memory. Needless to say I was very afraid for my Auntie.

I prayed. Small thing, right? Not for me. Not for the girl who feels invisible, even to God. I was relieved when the text came through my phone that my Auntie had pulled through surgery ok. Maybe just this once God heard me. I went to visit with her today. She is doing well. She is so much more healthier than my poor mother ever was. She has a long recovery in front of her but she will make it. I hope she has many well lived years ahead of her. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. I have always tried to be the best example to my niece and nephews because of my Auntie T. She knows I love her but I don’t think she knows how important a role she has played in my life. Thank you for being you.

You are loved more than you know.

You are stronger than you realize.

I Love You.

 

 

Chasing Rainbows

Can a person find happiness by chasing after it? I spent a good portion of my free Saturdays last Summer chasing happiness. I can tell you I never quite found it. Happiness truly is a state of mind. If you can’t find your inner peace, chasing after it is not the answer. I am tired of running towards empty things that leave me feeling empty.  Situations, people and things that bring me no joy or peace. I find that the older I get the more I question myself about what I am really looking for. I want the quiet that comes after the rain. I want the peace of an early morning before anyone else wakes in the house. I want to feel like what I have in my life is enough. I must learn to be calm and in the moment on my days off from work.

I guess last Summer I was starting to believe the fairy tale I was tossing around in my head that I am old. My mother used to call me “Camille”  because when I was a teenager I was over the top dramatic. I remember feeling like an outsider, and a misfit so maybe that’s how I dealt with those feelings by being a drama queen.

In my headspace old means not useful, needs assistance, not vital. I know, WHAT!?! It has taken me time (too much) to sort of settle back into the gal I know and love. I am going to try my damnedest to stick around for awhile. I have gone back to WWs once again because truth be told right now I need it in my life. I am not going to blog on endlessly about it. I am going to try not to obsess about every tiny morsel I eat but rather live my life without food as my jailer.

 

Where was Mr. Greenjeans when I needed him?

Hockey season is over for this year. I am free from all things hockey, well, at least until October when my life and interests will once again be pushed to the side. Come opening weekend I will yet again participate like the dutiful wife that my husband knows and likes me to be. This off season however, I have made a promise to myself this blog needs to be more joy filled. I am going to try to blog about the grand side of life.

Hubby and I went to Glens Falls NY on Sunday with the Worcester Railers Booster Club on a tour bus. The ride up was over three hours long. Our driver, Captain Kangaroo, had no idea how to operate the air conditioning on the bus. Not a good thing as it was nearly 70 degrees on the ride up and the vents on the bus were clearly throwing out hot air. Being in the throes of menopause (I know there were a few other ladies of my general age on the trip) this made the long ride uncomfortable to say the least.

Of course being the wise ass that I am, I started heckling from the cheap seats. My hubster shot me his angry face that was screaming at me (all be it silently) to behave but as I like to say “women who behave rarely make history” so I ignored him. I sent a text to the front of the bus where my friend and co conspirator of the Booster Club Table was sitting. I kindly asked her to slap the shit out of the bus driver and get us some cooler air for the back. Epic fail.

1.) because my friend has continuous seasonal laryngitis.

2.) It is against her sweet nature to slap anyone no matter how much they might need it.

3.) It was a waste of resources.

Turns out our driver was not a regular for this company but a per diem guy. He didn’t even know how to turn on the free Wi-Fi. I mean WTF!

Eventually we stopped at one of those convenient but not cheap rest stops along the highway. The best thing about these places is they have flush toilets. They should all be called Highway Robbery Stops and number them as they correspond to the direction in which you are traveling like 1 East, 2 East, 3 East. The amount of money these little satellite spots charge for simple things like a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza is directly related to how far away one is from an actual town. I refuse to pay $5 for a coffee that costs $2.50 anywhere else just because I am trapped on a highway. I was happy to be off the HOT bus so I used the time to stretch my legs, use the flush toilets and crack jokes with my friends. In fifteen minutes we were all back onto the EZ Bake Oven and on our way to our destination.

I have never been so thankful to get somewhere.

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I think I am getting too old for this type of shenanigans. Parts of me that I didn’t know I still use, hurt. My hair hurt the next day, my arms, my back, my ass. Too much time spent in a cramped space being slowly roasted by a bus heater. No Bueno. I want to thank my travel companions for the food, the drinks, the laughs, and the memories. I really did have a wonderful time. Until next season ; )

Butterfly

Will I ever let go of the things in my life that are toxic? I eat too much in a continued never ending sad attempt to dilute my anger? my fear? my inadequacies? I have spent a good deal of my life trying to make everyone else in my life happy by putting my wants, needs, and dreams on a back burner. I am now way passed my forties. I am actively enmeshed in my glorious (not) fifties. I do not like the way my body betrays me. I have allowed the fearful part of myself to control my life. My physician asked me to come back for a follow up after my physical in October because she was worried about my state of being (mental health check). I feel like I am standing on the edge of a beautiful mountain side but I am on the wrong side of this vision. There is nothing beautiful left on this side. Everything lies in ruins, overmined and stripped of all of its natural beauty.

I grew up feeling like a misfit, not really part of anything. I was withdrawn in school. I did well academically but never had the ambition to find my dream or a mentor to help me find a direction or career path. I had zero friends. My level of self loathing off the charts but somehow I managed to hang on. I adult with no direction. You can’t tell me you are surprised. Can you? I still have no life plan. I never thought for one second in the time of my youth that I would live longer than the age of thirty; yet here I am in my current lovely state of disrepair. I have spent most of my life chasing a version of myself I am not sure exists anywhere but in the corner of my mind.

Where to start? I can not continue to get up day after day feeling like what I do and who I am is not important. I want to recapture my joie de vie.  Did I ever have a joy for my life? I am sure I did. I am struggling with the getting older part. “You know your skin is saggy in places. You are getting AGE spots. Did you know you drool in your sleep?” Youthful Trish mocks me. I do not want my picture taken ever again but I will pose when asked. I am forever telling people to stop underestimating what they mean to others but I have no idea what I mean to people in my life. You could be someone’s hero even when you feel like a big fat nothing, I am trying to break free of my sadness. A sadness that does not seem to have a true origin. Is this what menopause is? A long journey into sad? I want to throw tantrums, but I am a grown woman and quite frankly who wants to see an overweight, older, adorable female throw herself on the floor of a local Trader Joe’s? I mean, what a way to go viral on social media! Thank the gods I have more restraint than that, well, at least I think I do.

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The Way It Is

It had been a good shower. The water just the right amount of heat. As I sat in my office combing my hair I could hear him fumbling around. “Hmmm, it’s only 5:37 am he shouldn’t be awake yet.” I said to myself, not seeing the cat in her Circle of Doom. I know why I could hear him. Asshole, the Ninja Cat had bounced into our bedroom eager for her early morning rubs,and brush routine. She is getting old and I think a little senile so … she does what she does. She is living her best life. I only wish we could say the same.

It is frustrating getting older, not just for me but my hubby as well. He often tells me to relax, that we will work everything out but he only says that in an attempt to calm me down, so I will feel safe. Hubby works a job stripping cartons off of trailers, sorting cartons by purchase orders onto pallets and then wheeling pallets down along a dock. Sounds simple enough, but it is heavy work and the constant walking back and forth is causing him hip issues because of the physical repetitive nature of his job. I want him to be free of the pain I know he is in. I want him to be able to work a job that he can excel in, one where he is appreciated and respected but we are “blue collar” which tends to limit possibilities for advancement or new job opportunities. Add to that we are both over the age of 50 so jobs are harder for us to secure.

We have been together for over 25 years and married for 23. A huge accomplishment for me on so many levels. I struggle with myself over so many issues: childhood bullsh*t I have a hard time letting go of and all the baggage I let that trauma create and yet I am the love of his life. Some days I want to run away, to go somewhere, to break free of life and all of its responsibilities. I become filled with a rage I find difficult to shake off and sometimes I don’t want to be married or tied to anyone in anyway, shape, or form. His love keeps me tethered. He can be frustrating. He doesn’t like change. He can be very single minded about a subject. He often has expectations I feel I can not meet. I allow him to get under my skin, my frustration levels rise, sometime we bicker. I want more for him but it is not in my power to grant it.

Sometimes by Friday he is worn out with nothing more to give. I called him out of work today. Somedays I cave and stay home with him. My anger over the situation spilling out of my mouth into words designed to hurt him. I lie to myself and promise that next time I will be more understanding, that I will be more supportive, that I will hold my tongue, that I will just go to work myself and find a way to keep up with the never ending supply of bills that NEED to be paid. Today I caved. Today I kept my promise, no words spilled. Today I am being supportive. I love this man. Somehow we will figure it all out. Today I chose peace over turmoil. The greatest gift we give each other is love. A job, is what you do, not WHO you are.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are MEANT To Be

Extraordinary

52592516_10155845309072676_6878891334342541312_oWe walk right by it everyday. Extraordinary beauty in ordinary things. I hung out this weekend with my BFF. Sometimes I forget about the beauty, in the kind of person she is. The little thoughtful things she does for people because she cares. I would be lost without her. She takes NONE of my bullshit. She lets me be silly. She lets me sing no matter where we are. She listens to me when I feel like no one hears me.  Do you have anyone in your life who take you for all that you are? No? I feel sad for you. She is a perfect bloom. A rose in a bunch of flowers that catches your eye. Sunshine when there is only rain. She gives so much of herself to others. I am truly blessed to be able to call her my friend.

I am not sure she knows how much of an impact she makes on the people in her life. She is an amazing friend. I don’t tell her enough just how much she has added to my life. Our friendship flows as easily as if we have known each other a lifetime. We started out as strangers, who became friends, who became family. Friends are the family we get to choose. Choose wisely it will enrich your lives in ways you never expected.

You just call out my name and I will be at your side, I promise.

 

Whatever Just Wash Your Hands

img_20190212_1744231401245892.jpg The times they are a-changin’. I have been fighting my own personal battle with depression??? for just over a year. I don’t feel sad all the time; I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know how else to articulate how I am feeling.  My journey down into the abyss of menopause has been uneventful yet full of emotion. I hate when I cry. Somehow though I have become really good at it. Dropped a hat did you? The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish? family commercial on TV about Al Fresco cooked chicken sausage, yup tears, WTF?

Last year before Christmas I was doing so well. I had lost 60 pounds. I was feeling like I was living my best life and then just like that…snap
shit changed. My MIL was recovering from hip replacement surgery. I volunteered to host Christmas at our house. I never should have suggested it. I let myself become overwhelmed. I turned to my old stand by FOOD. Food never lets me down. I can not resist her charms. Once I start placating myself with treats, I spiral. I gained back almost all of the 60 pounds I lost between December of 2017 and October of 2018! WHY? why will I never learn? I was even dumb enough to host Christmas again this year. HELLO! DUMBASS! Just stop doing this to yourself.

I am fearful of posting the link for my blog on FB anymore. I used to feel safe in the knowledge that I could just be me but my MIL now has an account on social media. I know there is no expectation of privacy on social media but at least I was safe from her prying eyes. Now I feel NAKED. She can see everything. I did not accept her friend request much to the anger of my hubster. She will not understand. She will take it as an attack. It’s not. No matter what I choose to do it will be the wrong choice. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it will happen.

I became the ambassador of adventure, sometime during the summer of 2018. In the midst of my semi-funk I decided that my bestie was too busy to hang with me so…I cheated on our friendship with gals from work. I planned a different adventure almost every Saturday from July to October. I drove, played tour guide, museum curator and foodie extraordinaire. Newport RI mansions, Gloucester’s Hammond Castle and sea shore, Maritime Salem and Hocus Pocus shenanigans. What a whirlwind! that did absolutely nothing to get me out of my funk…amok

Don’t get me wrong it’s not the company. You’ve all been great fun…and oh the fun we’ve had. I am a little broken at the moment. I will be hosting adventures again this year. Why? because it feels wonderful to get away from the muck and boredom of everyday life. I will get my groove back. I refuse to give up. I am trying to find my way back to the happier version of myself.

I have gone back to WWs.  I am sure as soon as I apply myself to the task at hand, relax,  do what I know works I will be back on track. To the people in my life who never give up on me, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my everything. (The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish?) freakin’ menopause, smh!

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!!!!

Unwritten

I remembered the first time I actually listened to the words of this song. It really is the truth about life. Nothing in your life is etched in stone. No one knows what time or life will bring you, or how you will change, or when or why precious loved ones pass on. The one thing that is certain, today is unwritten. I can make my today anything I want.

Today I decided to use my first paid sick day of the new year. I like so many people in New England right now have been fighting off some nasty virus (not the flu) that takes hold of your soul and threatens not to let go for three weeks or more. My Christmas holidays were not any fun for me. I was just too sick. I long for my feeling of wellness to return. I am tired of feeling BEYOND tired. Truth is I called out from work today because I was up most of the night coughing. Looks like another call to my doctor for more “miracle elixir” antibiotics.

I work for an off priced retailer, in one of their many distribution centers that can be found across the United States and Canada. I am a data analyst. I know so exciting; but, please try to contain your enthusiasm. I need to be top form to do my job well. I check and correct reports for more than 300 people on a daily basis. If I am “off my game” I am more likely to make errors. I am supposed to be fix problems not create them.

I started working for this company in 1984 when I was young, beautiful, and full of dreams for myself. I often tell college interns and new associates “When I started here I was young and beautiful, now I am just beautiful.” usually after they ask me about myself and my illustrious career. I am just trying to ease the situational anxiety for them by injecting a little humor. I try to be an informed person. I am often approached about scenarios that are not work related because I have the reputation of being quite knowledgeable. I feel that I do my job well, but I can’t help wonder if I am capable of doing something else, in an entirely different company, doing something I have never done before.

Over time I lost faith in my dreams. I forgot that life is unwritten. I lost hope of ever being who I wanted to be. Am I too old to become a counselor? a nurse? an author? a singer? a ??? Dreams change with time. I can remember living in my small home town yearning for the day I was old enough to get my license. My license, for me, was the door that opened to the world of endless possibilities. I could go anywhere, be anybody I wanted. I was angry at the world for not having the good fortune that I perceived beautiful people had: nice family, nice house, bright future. It took many years of living for me too realize that what you see is not always the truth. People can have everything and nothing at the same time.

I often say,” Life is what happens when you have other plans.” Story of my life. I am not unhappy. I married a good guy. I have worked for the same company for 34 years. I have made many lifetime connections but sometimes I want more…

Carpe Diem! I still have time. My life is not finished. I have many chapters left unwritten.  The best version of yourself could just be out of your reach for the moment. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE.  Be a good human. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You’ve Got This!