Frustratingly, frustrated with my frustration!

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I needed this today. I have been on a year of health for over a year now. I am at the spot in this journey where I usually throw in the towel and throw my health on the fire (fear of success?). I am off spot today. I have gained and lost the same two pounds for a month. I hate that I have wasted so much of my vitality chasing the perfect example of myself. I want to get to my goal. I need to begin an exercise regimen so I can firm up. I WANT TO EXERCISE! eventually I will but today F*ck you situps!

I promised myself I wouldn’t obsess about my journey yet here I am. It’s the only thing I can think about. Just stop.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming… I am worth this road trip. I deserve to be healthy. I will live in my moments not matter how fleeting. I choose happiness and peace of mind. A mis-step is just that not an entire walk.

I will make it to my goal. I want to physically feel better everyday. I am at the point in my journey where I have less than 20 pounds to go before I reach the next leg of my life called MAINTAIN, level out be at peace.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!

October{SIGH}

I love this month. I am a big fan of Halloween which is strange because I do not like masks or clowns or costumes. There is just something other worldly about this month and its holidays that I find hard to resist.

Maybe it is the leaves turning a shade of wonderful that I like. Or the fact the shorts become pants and I can skip a few days (ALL WINTER INTO SPRING) and not shave my legs. Or maybe it is the snuggling in on the couch with a good book and a blankie. Or that it suddenly becomes okay to put cinnamon, nutmeg , and ginger in a beverage and call it “Pumpkin” whatever. I do not care. I honestly think it might be because I love orange and the rest of the year it is kind of too brash to be displayed without causing a rush of odd comments. Here is to ORANGE, a color you can not beat and a word that does not have a rhyme. That is reason enough to be a fan. Well, at least in my book. Let’s chat about my other near favorite color…GOTH! Okay, Goth isn’t a color but it should be.

When I was a teenager I was a Goth chick. The only color I was ever interested in was black and shades of black. It is a great color to wear when you want to hide who you are from people. I wanted to hide. I was a DUFF. Look it up it is a thing. On the other hand black can also be sexy and alluring depending on the cut of the clothes and the person wearing those clothes .

Me in retirement. WOWZA

I can totally see myself rocking this outfit shopping at the local grocery when I retire. Stepping out while I am out! While the slinky little number found below these words ?!? I think I can work this look on occasion, just not every day. I certainly give it up for those of you out there that can but I for one JUST CAN NOT!

Bazinga

See what I mean? I do much better in one version versus the other . You decide. One takes humor, the other RBF( resting bitch face). I mean who am I really? I guess my only other question; Can orange be the new black?

Autumn is the time of year when things calm down a bit for me. No rush to get anywhere, no last minute Summer excitement, all the tourists everywhere find their way back home and the my area of the Globe settles in for the up and coming hockey/winter/Christmas merry-go-round. And I can watch Hocus Pocus in peace.

On The Cusp

This afternoon as I sat in the Jeep dealership waiting area, drinking perhaps the worst “instant’ coffee ever I was struck by an odd thought. I must first tell you the thought did not come to light until I noticed an older woman struggling at the snack machine. “Wow, life has rolled right by this woman. She is having a hard time navigating the new technology of that snack machine. Some day soon it will be my turn.” That’s right, I scared myself sober. My sigh so loud the woman actually looked over at me in surprise.


“Sorry, long day.” I tried to reason. She smiled at me and continued to struggle. “Do you need help? There is a Keurig type coffee machine over here if you are need of some terrible coffee.” She assured me she was fine, just a little hungry. When she finally sat down I couldn’t help but notice how frail she looked. Not because she might be frail but because everything around us in the showroom waiting area is larger than life. BIG chairs, BIG tv, BIG, biG,BiG,bIg!!! Touchscreen everything, coffee kiosk, snacks machine, tv, check-ins, and payments.


How often do younger people look at me and think the same thing I was thinking about this woman? I am betting more often than not. Sooner or later life leaves each of us in a HEARTBEAT. We naturally slow down as we age. Eventually we have mis-steps with our thinking or our every day movement or even our speech. Growing old is not for the weak. It is often a time of loneliness and uncertainty. I miss the “cocksure” attitude of my younger days. LOL


I stopped taking selfies a few years ago because some old broad was stalking all of my shots, turns out it was ME! WTF! How did my MOM get in there? I never wanted to grow old. I wanted to stay in my 30s forever but turning 40 ruined all of that for me.

Gnaw

I love this word. If you are an over thinker, and I definitely am, this word is part of your everyday existence. Life is a balance beam routine that never ends. One has to learn early how to manage each aspect of daily living in order to have room for happiness and peace. Sounds contrite I know but it is my truth. I lie to myself about letting go of petty things or unhealthy emotions but often I let things fester or gnaw at me for what seems like an eternity.

I hate the saying “forgive and forget”. I CAN NOT do it. I know, I know I should be able to but I won’t allow myself. It is one of my biggest faults. If someone hurts me on a personal level I would rather be free of them then ever try to mend a fence. Having said that I also should tell you that I will relive “the last moment” we shared over and over a million times trying to figure out what I? could have done differently or better or nicer. Lately though I have come to a new thought, WHY? JUST WHY? Do I need to feel inadequate? inferior? was I in this relationship alone? was it already dying when we parted ways? I will no longer be chasing people. END OF STORY.

I can not change the way I feel about things unless I want it. The last thing I need is someone who acts like it is their job to change me. I have enough on my plate already. I am odd. I am wonderful. I am giving. I love to laugh and be silly. I have many wonderful qualities that I often shutter down because people I associate with do not “like” when I am me. I am slowly removing those persons from my vicinity.

Can we talk about the concept of extending the olive branch? Does that BS ever work? I often think I will extend an apology to someone who clearly thinks that I have done them some great amount of bodily harm, or I damaged their reputation or I ignored them or a million other silly make believe missteps. You know what it gets me? Yes, you guessed correctly!! DING ding, said offended person tries to shove the branch up my ass…good times. ANY time I have ever attempted to say mea culpa (my fault) I usually have a vitriol sandwich crammed down my throat whilst the “injured” person tries to feed my that F*kn branch via my lower alimentary canal. I no longer extend that branch. I have taken up gardening. I like olive oil so I am branching out. ( I will just leave this here)

News flash in order to move on from a place of hurt BOTH parties need to be on the same plain of thought and feeling, otherwise the effort put forth lands flat. Flatter than an opera singer trying to find her note. I am learning to let things fall away, to leave whatever is unhealthy aside so I don’t gnaw at the food in my house when my thoughts and feelings are gnawing at me.

Find your Joy! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE !

Craptastic

Sunday September 20,2020…Odd date, right? Having nightmares in the wee small hours of this morning. I am not alone in my dreams. I sense you (my self loathing self) just out of reach. I know you are watching me as I try to work out the frustrations that keep me tossing and turning. I don’t always want to do the right thing. Sometimes I do not want friends or a husband or a place to live. I want to be free of everything that holds a person to the earth. The darkness I try hard not to entertain. Today it has the upper hand. I am not in a good mood.

Some youthful asshats chose the end of my driveway for their own private idea of a good time, no surprise they woke me up. How surprised they were when I yelled at them as I shone a flashlight into their car. “How stupid!” I seethed to myself when they asked to borrow said flashlight so they could locate a dropped shoe? I could have been armed with more than a light. I could have called the police. I could have done a lot of things. They drove away. Damage done. I was angry, wide awake and in the depths of a pit of darkness.

I ate my anger. It seems that old trick still doesn’t work but I thought I’d give it the old college try anyway. My anger hasn’t gone away so I guess the only way to get to a better place is to get moving to a better place. I have learned that when I pay attention to how I am feeling I can usually save myself the pity party. I wasted today. I could have made better choices with my food, with my energies, with all most every aspect of today. I want a Mulligan. In reality tomorrow is Monday, no Mulligan for me.

I See You

for all the things that you are. I see you for all the things you are capable of. I see you for the kindness you carry in your soul. I see the beauty of you that you keep missing. I see you in a way you don’t see yourself. Walking around wrapped in a blanket of self doubt never does anyone any good. True beauty is found in the things that you do, in what you say and in how you treat others. Kindness is an odd gift. You can be touched by kindness yet you can’t hold onto it. Its very nature demands that it be given away. That is its secret power. Its strength lies in the act of being given. It is not anyone’s to keep it needs to be shared.

My soul used to be so heavy from my own negativity about people, life, the world and its craziness. I never really allowed myself to appreciate kindness. The smile I wasn’t looking for. A word of encouragement from a total stranger. An unexpected day filled with a positive outlook. I have changed. Life threw some high speed curve balls at my head. I was set on a course that I did not know how to navigate. It left me feeling vulnerable and alone. I was angry for a long time. I wanted someone to blame for my losses. No matter how many times you cry yourself to sleep moaning the mantra “life is unfair” it is what it is. Being alive is hard, not living your life is harder. I finally got back to the business of living. And you know what? I am no longer angry.

It is what it is. I work really hard at being the kind of person I want to be. I want people to feel my soul shine when they are with me. I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. Believe that you are capable of great things and then go do the things. In time you will find your greatness. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved. Be kind because it matters.

I am, am I?

Life is a strange journey. Last June I decided to stop being an ass, embrace my inner thin chick, make an unquiet peace with her, and try to get back to the business of losing weight so I can keep my good health. OH MY GAWD what was I not thinking? It has been a frustrating, sad, heart wrenching time in the world. Some days so filled with fear, apprehension and uncertainty that I can easily become anxious about every little thing. Yeah I know, preach. I am finding it very difficult to stay in the moment, to enjoy the peace that surrounds me.

A few years ago I used to blog about my weight loss. I learned a lot about high expectations from that failed exercise ( see what I did there{{{wink, wink}}} ?)! The pressure I put on myself to keep succeeding when I didn’t feel like circling the block anymore got to be too much and just like that [a quick snap of my fingers] I was back to being the “fat girl” with a killer smile, a quick line, a song … and a broken heart. I say broken because every time I walk away from the version of myself where I feel I belong a little more of who I know I am disappears.

The odd thing about losing weight is I know how to do that. It is staying in the mindset of healthy habits difficult to maintain. I have struggled all week with feeling enough. Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Have I exercised enough? ENOUGH of ENOUGH! I promised myself that on this leg of my life’s journey I would not give into that little girl lost that lives in my head. I AM ENOUGH! A mountain can not be climbed without effort. NO more obsessing. It is unhelpful, it is unhealthy, it is soul crushing. I deserve more from myself, for myself. I have always been enough. The scale does not define me! I DO!

Today for the first time I got to see “The Greatest Showman” on Disney +. I know I am late to the show( no pun intended) but that is what happens when you are afraid to go to a movie by yourself and no one else you know wants to see a musical. Live and learn but if you are a believer in everything happens for a reason then I wasn’t meant to see this movie until today.

The song THIS IS ME is me. I needed to hear those words. So often in my life I have felt like I was too broken to be valued, to have value. I was starting to slide back into that feeling…but an odd thing happened on my way to giving up on myself and it all started with a song. This journey is long. This journey is tough BUT I AM WORTH the journey! This is ME!

I have learned that I am not on the road by myself. Asking for help makes the journey easier to shoulder. I am strong. I am brave. I am. I can and I will…succeed, keep on keeping on, being in my moments, loving my life and all the wonderful people that help to make it worth the ride.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

Be The Rainbow…

…Not The Cloud

Sometimes you don’t understand how much you need something until you have it. Or lose it. I was in Gloucester MA recently with some friends for some SAFE adventure fun. I LOVE this town. I come here to find my joy when I lose it or when the winter has been too long. I think we can all agree this winter is still lingering. It has been a season of loss, loneliness, uncertainty and anxiety. Holding onto JOY has been a battle. We came to town to refresh our souls, reset our sadness and sail.

There is a local collection of volunteers that maintain the garden spots along Western Avenue. They do amazing work, breathtaking. These green thumbers help to make the magic that is Gloucester. I tip my hat to you for all the hard work and hours that you GIVE. I love to go for a walk along this avenue. Stage Fort Park is along this stretch of road. The seasonal parking rates are reasonable. The grounds are vast and fun to explore. There is a “seafood/ice cream stand” called The Cupboard that has been in operation some 40 odd years. I love the vibe here. It makes me nostalgic “for the good ole days” Yes, I know I am showing my age but I don’t care. I come here to reconnect to my JOY, to reassure myself that there is still beauty, kindness and caring in the world.

I came to Gloucester with friends to go for a sail aboard the Schooner Lannon. We arrived in town a few hours early and set out to explore, take in the sunshine, the ocean views, the breeze and enjoy each others company. We tried a new {to us} BFast stop, Sherry’s Corner Cafe (amazing food, owner operated, friendly staff, excellent prices). We made some new friends, connections, and yes, I sang for some old timers who were sitting on the porch while they were eating their breakfast. Hey! I had a mask on and I was more than 6 feet away. It is sad to me that I even have to say that here, but safety first.

After finding a nice shaded spot along the street to park, we ladies went for a stroll. Walking along Western Avenue I came across this sweet reminder:

BE YOU…be the rainbow not the cloud…

Sweet amazing human whomever you are, where ever you are, THANK YOU! I needed to find this. It helped me in ways I can not list here. Once upon a time in my life I was more comfortable being the storm instead of the sun. It really is amazing how LOVE can change a life. I am very blessed to have the best: hubster, friends, family, co-workers, WW leader/peeps. I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me but I try. This pandemic has not been easy on any of us but you have all made it easier to cope.

Love,

Sunshinewp-1596368083975.jpg

And So It Begins…

Over the course of last week(June 8th) the job called and summoned the hubster back to work. Joy and anxiety, two emotions that should not be holding hands, and yet…

The hubster and I work for the same company. We have two very different types of jobs.  While we occasionally see each other at work more often than not we do not see each other until the end of our day. I did not get a call back. At this moment my skill set is not needed. I know how anxious I am feeling being home alone; I can only imagine how he is doing right now at work without me. And so it begins…

I have missed the faces of my family, my friends, my co workers{sigh}. We are all bound by the rules of the Governor of Massachusetts to wear masks while in public spaces. Until further notice, while I am allowed to “see” my family, my friends, my co workers it has to be from a distance under the cover of a mask. This alone makes my soul heavy. My parents did their best to raise me to be kind, to be strong, to be open minded, to love with an open heart. I feel like all of those good qualities have been put through the ultimate test. I have chosen to let some friends quietly leave my circle. Why? their wheel house, too many wheels. I want what is best for them. I chose what makes my mental health better. I just don’t want to deal…Some times you can love someone for ALL the wrong reasons. You have to be strong and wise enough to set them free, to set yourself free.

I started writing this blog because I needed someone to talk to because the voices (my thoughts, not pyschosis) in my head were too loud, too negative, and were void of love. My anxiety and negative vibes so strong I couldn’t hear myself think. Writing what is on my mind helps My voice( the things that I really am, what I believe in) to be strong and loud. When my insecurities get too weird for me to manage writing helps me to filter out the menusha.

I have now been back to work for almost eight weeks. I don’t feel I am any safer or unsafer than before. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Remember when you went through life everyday NOT worried you were going to end up a pandemic statistic? Me either. I am tired of watching the talking heads come to no good solutions. People are making me afraid of my own shadow. Remember when reckless behavior was sleeping around? hanging out with sketchy friends? smoking things? drinking? Now it is all about spoiled people thinking their rights are being infringed upon. Misplaced, dangerous anger never once fixed ONE SINGLE ISSUE! I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Every thing in the world is screaming to a halt. If we promise we have learned a lesson and we will try to behave, can we be let out of timeout?

 

 

Do I LOVE You Enough?

When I ask someone in my life that question I always get the odd look. But? Do I? Do I love you enough? Why do I ask? I get caught up in myself. I can be very selfish and petty. Being the drama queen that I know I am, I can react way over the top about things.  I just want to make sure that I haven’t pushed you away. So I guess it is my way of checking that you are okay. That our relationship is okay. Because I do love you very much and some times I am such an ass.

I woke from a fitful sleep. Today is my birthday. I dreamt all night about loss in my life. I was not sure you were in bed. I rolled over. I could feel you beside me but I couldn’t hear you, fucking air conditioning. Today is our day off from work for the Fourth of July; I was going to sleep in but I just can’t… I woke up feeling out of sorts. I just needed to hear your soft snore but I am greeted with silence. I step into my slippers and trudge to the alarm clock, shutting it off before I forget. I make my way to the bathroom. Ninja cat is outside our bedroom lying on the cool tile floor trying to catch a breeze from the air conditioner running in our room.

I sit in the bathroom talking myself down from a night of bad dreams. Love does not keep you from loss. I could not have loved my parents or my sister any more than I do or any more than I ever did. Loss comes to us all eventually. When I finish in the bathroom I do not return to bed. I still need a few minutes. I know you are sleeping but my heart is racing from anxiety. I force myself to fulfill my morning routine. Feed and water the cat, put on the coffee, back to the bedroom to take my morning vitamins and allergy pill. I decide not to go back to bed and lay down, as I try to walk by the end of the bed I falter and brush against your feet. I startle you awake. I am sorry and relieved at the same time.

I love you . I love you more than I let you know. I have become the person I am because you never give up on me. You are always by my side. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You a little quirky but, really? who am I? The best thing I ever did for myself was to believe that I was worth someone’s love. Will you be my love? We at this moment are growing old with each other and I for one love that.

One day there will be loss but for today I want to celebrate LIFE. This pandemic has really taken so much from people. I am so thankful I made it to my next birthday so many haven’t.  Love the people in your life. Be BOLD, be PRESENT, be giving and forgiving. The best  gift you ever have is LOVE. It is the only gift that gets stronger every time you share it. Thank you for being

a part of my life. Much Love.