Be The Rainbow…

…Not The Cloud

Sometimes you don’t understand how much you need something until you have it. Or lose it. I was in Gloucester MA recently with some friends for some SAFE adventure fun. I LOVE this town. I come here to find my joy when I lose it or when the winter has been too long. I think we can all agree this winter is still lingering. It has been a season of loss, loneliness, uncertainty and anxiety. Holding onto JOY has been a battle. We came to town to refresh our souls, reset our sadness and sail.

There is a local collection of volunteers that maintain the garden spots along Western Avenue. They do amazing work, breathtaking. These green thumbers help to make the magic that is Gloucester. I tip my hat to you for all the hard work and hours that you GIVE. I love to go for a walk along this avenue. Stage Fort Park is along this stretch of road. The seasonal parking rates are reasonable. The grounds are vast and fun to explore. There is a “seafood/ice cream stand” called The Cupboard that has been in operation some 40 odd years. I love the vibe here. It makes me nostalgic “for the good ole days” Yes, I know I am showing my age but I don’t care. I come here to reconnect to my JOY, to reassure myself that there is still beauty, kindness and caring in the world.

I came to Gloucester with friends to go for a sail aboard the Schooner Lannon. We arrived in town a few hours early and set out to explore, take in the sunshine, the ocean views, the breeze and enjoy each others company. We tried a new {to us} BFast stop, Sherry’s Corner Cafe (amazing food, owner operated, friendly staff, excellent prices). We made some new friends, connections, and yes, I sang for some old timers who were sitting on the porch while they were eating their breakfast. Hey! I had a mask on and I was more than 6 feet away. It is sad to me that I even have to say that here, but safety first.

After finding a nice shaded spot along the street to park, we ladies went for a stroll. Walking along Western Avenue I came across this sweet reminder:

BE YOU…be the rainbow not the cloud…

Sweet amazing human whomever you are, where ever you are, THANK YOU! I needed to find this. It helped me in ways I can not list here. Once upon a time in my life I was more comfortable being the storm instead of the sun. It really is amazing how LOVE can change a life. I am very blessed to have the best: hubster, friends, family, co-workers, WW leader/peeps. I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me but I try. This pandemic has not been easy on any of us but you have all made it easier to cope.

Love,

Sunshinewp-1596368083975.jpg

And So It Begins…

Over the course of last week(June 8th) the job called and summoned the hubster back to work. Joy and anxiety, two emotions that should not be holding hands, and yet…

The hubster and I work for the same company. We have two very different types of jobs.  While we occasionally see each other at work more often than not we do not see each other until the end of our day. I did not get a call back. At this moment my skill set is not needed. I know how anxious I am feeling being home alone; I can only imagine how he is doing right now at work without me. And so it begins…

I have missed the faces of my family, my friends, my co workers{sigh}. We are all bound by the rules of the Governor of Massachusetts to wear masks while in public spaces. Until further notice, while I am allowed to “see” my family, my friends, my co workers it has to be from a distance under the cover of a mask. This alone makes my soul heavy. My parents did their best to raise me to be kind, to be strong, to be open minded, to love with an open heart. I feel like all of those good qualities have been put through the ultimate test. I have chosen to let some friends quietly leave my circle. Why? their wheel house, too many wheels. I want what is best for them. I chose what makes my mental health better. I just don’t want to deal…Some times you can love someone for ALL the wrong reasons. You have to be strong and wise enough to set them free, to set yourself free.

I started writing this blog because I needed someone to talk to because the voices (my thoughts, not pyschosis) in my head were too loud, too negative, and were void of love. My anxiety and negative vibes so strong I couldn’t hear myself think. Writing what is on my mind helps My voice( the things that I really am, what I believe in) to be strong and loud. When my insecurities get too weird for me to manage writing helps me to filter out the menusha.

I have now been back to work for almost eight weeks. I don’t feel I am any safer or unsafer than before. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Remember when you went through life everyday NOT worried you were going to end up a pandemic statistic? Me either. I am tired of watching the talking heads come to no good solutions. People are making me afraid of my own shadow. Remember when reckless behavior was sleeping around? hanging out with sketchy friends? smoking things? drinking? Now it is all about spoiled people thinking their rights are being infringed upon. Misplaced, dangerous anger never once fixed ONE SINGLE ISSUE! I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Every thing in the world is screaming to a halt. If we promise we have learned a lesson and we will try to behave, can we be let out of timeout?

 

 

Do I LOVE You Enough?

When I ask someone in my life that question I always get the odd look. But? Do I? Do I love you enough? Why do I ask? I get caught up in myself. I can be very selfish and petty. Being the drama queen that I know I am, I can react way over the top about things.  I just want to make sure that I haven’t pushed you away. So I guess it is my way of checking that you are okay. That our relationship is okay. Because I do love you very much and some times I am such an ass.

I woke from a fitful sleep. Today is my birthday. I dreamt all night about loss in my life. I was not sure you were in bed. I rolled over. I could feel you beside me but I couldn’t hear you, fucking air conditioning. Today is our day off from work for the Fourth of July; I was going to sleep in but I just can’t… I woke up feeling out of sorts. I just needed to hear your soft snore but I am greeted with silence. I step into my slippers and trudge to the alarm clock, shutting it off before I forget. I make my way to the bathroom. Ninja cat is outside our bedroom lying on the cool tile floor trying to catch a breeze from the air conditioner running in our room.

I sit in the bathroom talking myself down from a night of bad dreams. Love does not keep you from loss. I could not have loved my parents or my sister any more than I do or any more than I ever did. Loss comes to us all eventually. When I finish in the bathroom I do not return to bed. I still need a few minutes. I know you are sleeping but my heart is racing from anxiety. I force myself to fulfill my morning routine. Feed and water the cat, put on the coffee, back to the bedroom to take my morning vitamins and allergy pill. I decide not to go back to bed and lay down, as I try to walk by the end of the bed I falter and brush against your feet. I startle you awake. I am sorry and relieved at the same time.

I love you . I love you more than I let you know. I have become the person I am because you never give up on me. You are always by my side. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You a little quirky but, really? who am I? The best thing I ever did for myself was to believe that I was worth someone’s love. Will you be my love? We at this moment are growing old with each other and I for one love that.

One day there will be loss but for today I want to celebrate LIFE. This pandemic has really taken so much from people. I am so thankful I made it to my next birthday so many haven’t.  Love the people in your life. Be BOLD, be PRESENT, be giving and forgiving. The best  gift you ever have is LOVE. It is the only gift that gets stronger every time you share it. Thank you for being

a part of my life. Much Love.

A Funny Thing Happened

on my way to writing this post today. I had an idea in my old lady mind and then just like that…oh! it’s a butterfly. What? What did I want to wax on about? I actually got distracted by eye pain. My eye was OMG why was it hurting so bad? Have I been secretly poked by a mad chicken? What the hell is going on!?

I went out for a walk yesterday through Notre Dame Cemetery in Worcester MA for a little history, some fresh air, some outdoor beauty, a few laughs with my walking partner; I forgot my allergy pill…maybe that’s why my eye is bothering me. By the time I got home from my walk I was hot, itchy, and wheezing. Dude! Never forget an allergy pill! It feels like living through the Seven Hells ! and oh yeah, we are still trying to navigate this fk’n virus, live life, stay safe, be happy. This is the song that doesn’t end…

So I got up today to sing a song for another day. I remembered to take my allergy pill this morning, I attended my ZOOM meeting for my virtual WWs meeting. I had a good BFast and I went for an awesome walk today to repeat the joy of yesterday. Only today’s target was Hope Cemetery and St. John’s. Today was cooler and the sky more brilliant than yesterday. I felt none of the seasonal allergy woes from the other day. So for another day my fears of the virus have taken a back burner in my tunnel of anxiety. Phew.

I had a lovely afternoon but my eye was still twerking…wth? Hubby and I own a Maine Coon named Pepper. She is 15. I love/hate her. She is a sweet, beautiful, evil, vengeful queen with sharp claws who is part assassin. Maine Coons do not shed hair/fur. Their fur is ultra soft and long. When she looses hair it looks like little tumbleweeds. They actually roll across my hardwood floors. My cat has this weird need to tuck me into bed. She likes to lie on my chest with her butt facing me (no respect, right?). I found out this is actually a huge show of love. She lies like this to protect me. She makes biscuits as she purrs (like I can’t hear the music) until I fall asleep.

After my walk this afternoon my eye issue was really making nervous. I have an eye appointment this week but I wasn’t looking forward to maybe having to be seen on an emergency. I got my old lady magnifying glass and looked at my eye in the bathroom mirror. Maybe an eyelash? Mine are long. I have had a stray lash once or twice before. Are you ready? Somehow? one of her tail hairs got into my eye. I somehow managed to catch the tip between my fingernails and slowly pull it out of my eye. WOW! YES! I am okay. My eye is no longer puffy. The pain gone. That DARN Cat!

 

Changes

Some times I become very aggravated because life can feel like a cycle of routine where nothing ever changes, nothing is ever new, exciting, wonderful. AND…I am so wrong about that, so so wrong. I think if this viral attack on the world has taught me anything I can honestly say that life is ever changing. Life moves at its pace not mine. Slow your roll, I’ll get to it. i think I finally get it.

March 19, 2020 seems like a lifetime ago. Hubster and I had just finished lunch. We were spending a few moments as a couple before returning to our respective duties as employees, when all hell rained down. Everyone at our warehouse was furloughed immediately until further notice. 

Today is May 29, 2020 . We are in the 72nd day of together time! 72 days of every meal being made by me, every grocery run, every chore, every errand, every, Every, EVERY, eVeRy thing rests on me. I do it alone. I GOT ANGRY yesterday, over the top anger. Listen, I know it is my fault. I spent my childhood watching my Dad do everything for my Mom. I hated how she was. She was so damaged from her traumatic childhood she never truly lived a full healthy wonderful life and my Dad enabled her. I swore my marriage would be different. So I spoiled my hubby. BIG MISTAKE! My mistake. Just like my Dad, I am an enabler. 

No matter how much a person tries you can not unfry an egg. 

Having a blog is a wonderful thing. Having a blog is a terrifying thing. I can be myself at the keyboard. The only time I really feel pressure about what I write is if I think my MIL is trolling or I leak my frustrations out about my hubster. Truths even when they are only mine can hurt the people on its periphery. I was angry with myself so yes, I yelled and carried on at my hubby. He can be such a lump sometimes but he is my lump. In sickness and in health…traditional vows blah, blah, blah…Here is my view, my truth. iloveu

Loving is not easy. I often do not love myself.  True love is more than a feeling. It is actions. ACTION by its very nature is a verb. Love is something that dies when not shared or rejected but its strength so powerful that it won’t be forgotten. It can not be contained. Nor can it be controlled or measured or handed out. It is given willingly. It lasts. It takes commitment from all parties to remain true. Love defines each relationship in its own unique wonderful way. Never take anyone’s love for granted. It is the best gift they will ever give you.

I apologized for yelling. I could’ve handle that so much better, maybe next time. Who knows? Everything changes…even me.

He…She…US

Every year the week leading up to Mother’s Day haunts me. My FIL died 24 year ago on May 8, 1996. My husband and I married only days later on May 11, 1996. If you are a believer in omens you would have walked away knowing there was a chance for better luck some place else and yet I stayed. Why did I stay? for the best of reasons, LOVE.

Love is a strange and wonderful thing. Our 24th wedding anniversary is around the corner just passed Mother’s Day. We have never had a honeymoon or a vacation to celebrate our union. There have been times when I wanted my freedom; to wallow in my sadness, to be unwanted. Lord knows I gave him permission to leave me after our failed attempts at becoming parents. Every person should have the right to pursue someone who wants or is capable of having offspring. Growing up I never would have dreamed that I was infertile but there it was staring me in the face… cold hard facts; a failure as a female. He stayed. Love is a strange and wonderful thing. Who is she? She has a aura. A light that draws people to her. Where does it come from? Why does it shine so bright?

He makes me feel like I am whole that I am beautiful. I am his everything. He is my everything. Our life together has not always been easy. Any thing worth having is worth working for. I am thankful for that everyday. I am grateful that we have had this time together minus the outside world of QUARANTINE CENTRAL. We are good for each other. He calms me down when I am ready to go AWOL. I provide him the stability of being his. I love him; he loves me. He fears for my safety, our safety. He listens to me when I am sure no one hears a word I say. He knows who I am and he loves me anyway. Love is a strange and wonderful thing.

Love the people in your life, every day is a gift worth working for. Happy Anniversary Big D. I love you.

 

Sister Act>>>Frustration & Doubt

I thought about you for most of my day yesterday. I have thoughts …if you will indulge me. I say this from my personal experience with this journey. Frustration, boy….she can be a great friend or the worst enemy you’ve ever had. I find when I am frustrated with a project that she (Frustration) often helps me to take a moment which helps me plan a new strategy or new path. However, when I am uncertain what to do she can linger longer than she should and then I find myself full of her best friend Doubt. All I can say is when those two start hanging around, Failure ,Abandonment, and Anger are usually close behind looking to get their party on. These party guest sometimes take me years to clean up after so I suggest you DON’T entertain them! Frustration is not like Joy. We all know Joy is wonderful to have around but she is fickle and often leaves a party without anyone noticing she is gone until it is too late and the air has gone out of all the balloons. Am I right? Then you might feel a little Frustrated but you know deep down that when Joy returns you will try to enjoy her more so you let Frustration go. You have the power to have Joy or Anger or Frustration or any of her other friends when you need them. Those emotions tend to be controllers in our lives instead of us guiding their use. I have often left my own journey because I GAVE UP on the power of ME! I let all of my unnamed anger, frustration, doubt rule what I want, who I want to be.

I have often dumped Joy, Love, and Acceptance by the wayside because I felt unworthy to accept their unconditional friendship. Know Your worth. Stand up for the distance you have traveled on this journey. Bad feelings are temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS! You are worth all of the struggle. You are enough. You are stronger in ways you never give yourself credit for.

I had to learn to make peace with who I am. I did not become overweight overnight. I will not get healthy overnight either. This time I do this for the best version of myself. The one I love. The one I respect. The version of myself that has learned to be JOYFUL, LOVING, ACCEPTING. Sure I still feel Frustrated but I just stopped entertaining her and her motley crew. I busy myself with things that I enjoy and things have a way of calming down.

Don’t throw your successes away, keep fighting the good fight. I am proud of you!

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

Mulligan Anyone?

A mulligan is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. Its best-known meaning is in golf, whereby a player is informally allowed to replay a stroke, even though this is against the formal rules of golf. The term has also been applied to other sports and games, and to other fields generally. The origin of the term is unclear. I lifted this definition from Wikipedia.
that-golf-swing

What if this is your chance? a do- over? Reach out to someone you have lost touch with.  Maybe it is someone you miss, apologize and make that relationship whole again. Or does there need to be a deep cleanse of your Facebook page? Unfriending is an option. I found myself tempted by the prospects of letting go of the toxicity that often comes with “social media”. I have set a few people free and in doing so I have set myself free. Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time!” If I had only heeded this advice more often than ignored it I would have been in a much better space right now. = )

Truths? Most people on the periphery of your life DO NOT GIVE ONE DAMN about you. I am learning real friends ask how you are. Real friends owl mail special things to your door on a rainy day. Real friends laugh with you. Real friends hold each other up, build bonds, offer help. Even if that help is just a video chat, a text, or a phone call. Everyone has a village. I am proud to say that my village has the best people. Some I chose, some chose me. My family, my book club ladies, my WWs peeps, co-workers, hockey peeps,  have all become more of an important part of my life. Something in my life I never dreamed of having, acceptance for everything weird thing that makes me who I am. You know what makes me stronger? and helps me see the next day and the next day and the day after that? YOU. So in case you still have not heard my message: you are important, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are enough. I love you. I am always waiting in the wings. Curtains up!

(virus) We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important message. Love the people in your life while they are in your life. Life is a precarious balance between good and bad, love and hate. Be in your moments, all of them, make memories, be honest, be true to who you are not what people want. Try to leave warm thoughts of you with someone instead of a trail of sadness and anger. Try to be kind to everyone, self included. You will return to your busy lives soon enough.

Untitled Four Days Ago…

Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto.true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me. 

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey.  A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS,  people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.

The Road Untraveled

I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.