Where Are You Going?

March 3,2021 was a tough day. The sky a beautiful blue with sparse fluffy clouds and just the slightest of winds. Funerals are never on anyone’s to do list. This was a funeral I had to do. Once in a lifetime you are fortunate enough to meet someone that awes you. Once upon a time ago I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was VERY against “meet my parents”, “meet my family”. I could barely handle the oddness of my own family without trying to navigate new folks that ultimately had the power of judgment on their side. I was newly entranced by love. I wanted nothing to do with the possibility of losing him to an unhappy relation who felt I would NEVER be GOOD ENOUGH.

Our first big venture as a couple was to the Big E in Springfield MA. Somehow my future hubster convinced me to go to his Grandmothers house after for Sunday dinner. It was to be the last Sunday gathering there. This old family home was being sold. Nana was getting ready to embrace her new journey into elderly housing. It was on this day that I met Debbie for the first time.

I was asked about myself. I was showed into the house. I was welcomed and I am sure judged by many that day but she herself had an easy smile and a friendly way about her that I instantly liked. She invited my hubby and I to her house many times for gatherings over the years. She never wavered in her manner. She was always gracious to me. I will/do miss her. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. Debbie always made me feel like I belonged. She loved her family very much. I am a better person for having known her. When I find myself in front of her resting place I always stop, say my hellos, and I say a silent hopeful pray that she knows she is loved and is missed.

Hello Darkness,

my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again… Only this time I am the one pulling the strings, not the other way around. There is something going on in the background of my existence. I have been “not feeling well” lately. This whole be in your moments. Be happy in your life. Be grateful. I am trying to be content and adjusted but I am still struggling with the demons of to have or not to have. “it is only a cookie”, “a little bite”, “just this once”, but some times the landslide comes. I tumble down the side of my best intentions. I can feel myself slowly climb back onto the beast of self loathing because I want to give up. NOT TODAY !!! I DO NOT GIVE UP! Instead I choose me, my happiness, my life, my path.

I cannot entertain the silly notions I let loop in my mind. Yes, I am tired; I know I have less miles to go before I can safely exhale and take stock in all that I have accomplished. Today I will pick up my path where I laid my burdens down. Thankful in the journey and all I have learned about myself so far. Fake it until you make it , right ?!?

Why does change hurt so much? yet other times it is like a long awaited sigh of relief? I am unwilling to allow my worst self to take control of my well being. My life, and my perspective in my life has changed. There are days when I am in a constant battle over the joy a memory brings me and the anguish of trying new things. The problem with memories lies in the fact that emotion is what keeps us tied DOWN to them. We as humans try to hold onto happiness by recreating a favorite memory even if it is NOT A GOOD IDEA! Over the last few short years I went from being someone’s bestie to their DEAR friend. AM I happy for her but sad, angry and a little/lot hurt? YES…BUT!!! Our lives have changed. Her unique friendship skills are needed elsewhere. Her children are now mostly grown. I am no longer needed in the ways I once was. There is new found freedom for us both. Truth is; her new bestie needs her more.

She has no trouble finding new friends or new besties. I am not good at making new friends. I do poorly with the small things; sending cards, buying trinkets, remembering tiny details. I love with my heart and soul. I try to make you feel how much you mean to me in our moments. I will do most anything you ask. Movies? Let’s go! Lunch with your IN laws? Sure! Babysit a cat/dog or your house, drop everything to pick up that package from your stoop? Me, that’s all things I am, all the things I do, because YOU have value to me as a person and you are my friend. It hurts to be relegated to a new category. I feel uncomfortable in my new roll. Things I once would have easily shared I now keep to myself. I have found other people to hang out with. I enjoy my new friends but I miss what I once was a part of. I no longer chase anyone for their time. The other thing about change, no matter how badly you want something to be what it once was it can’t ever be. It just doesn’t work that way. The ultimate plan of the Universe? I don’t really know. I do know that there is no such thing as time travel. lol. Time has come for me to stand alone, to find new…?

I didn’t want to like you when we first met. I didn’t think my friend needed someone in his life with a premade family. Of course, I was wrong. I learned to love you. You are smart, beautiful, adventurous, caring, and so many things I admire. I used to joke that I would keep you over him. Funny, how time changes things. There is a season for everything in life, right? ETHFAR

But…we didn’t get to say good bye. WE just stopped trying to be friends.

I had major surgery in May. I am mostly fine but I am now realizing how mentally unprepared I was. I am a woman of a certain age and so menopause? will some day be in my future. I have a female reproductive illness and I had a shitty thyroid so my body is writing its own version of “when I am damned good and ready!” Seriously body stop being such a bitch. Hallelujah! for no hot flashes or sweats but MAJOR BOO for the tears over nothing, the sadness about my aging, the waves of anger I have never felt before, and my scar that I can not unsee! Anger and I have had an off again on again relationship for years so I foolishly thought I could handle these waves of emotion that sometimes feels soul encompassing. WRONG. I am not OKAY! Will I be OKAY? The answer is yes, in time. Right now I am happy treading water. I have done something with my health that I have always been unable to do before. I am making amazing choices for myself so my health gets better every day. I am proud of myself for finally choosing my well being.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS, inquire within

I love to go to museums. I have a huge interest in clothing from bygone eras. I love the theater. I love a good musical. I sing, no joking; all the time. I am no longer apologizing; it brings me joy and peace{kind of like Christmas but without the meaningless gift giving}. I love to adventure : walk trails, hike, shop, sail, browse a good sidewalk sale, drink great coffee, try a new hot spot. I love books, libraries and other centers of knowledge. I compliment complete strangers because being nice matters. I enjoy being amongst people I have things in common with. If any of this appeals to you LMK, K? we could so totally hang out. Who knows we could even end up BFFS? There is a position open = )

DISCLAIMER Some content is meant to be “tongue in cheek” no offense meant.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

It Began With A Tear

It came from a song. I have the hardest time singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” It is not because I don’t know the words or that I can’t carry a tune. This is a song about longing, wanting something, or someone or an event that for some reason you can not have. Or maybe you once had it and now it is gone. Or say as in my case I believe it is where I will someday see the face of my kid sister, long since passed away, waiting for me on the other side of this life. Every time I start this song, I stop myself. I feel my emotion catch in my throat. I feel small, alone, and abandoned. A friend asked me today why I never finish this song. For the first time in a long time I told someone why.

I am a broken soul. Most days with a little flair and a jingle or two most people don’t see through the cloud of smoke I lay out. Loss of a loved one is the toughest things that we as survivors have to live with. Tears spill because love cannot be kept. Sometimes all of that love that I am trying so desperately to contain breaks free from my heart and rolls down my cheek. Love

I never realized until today how often I don’t finish this song. This song reminds me of what once was but is no longer. It is a wish, a dream, a fear, a hope, a wanting. It is beautiful. It is haunting. It makes me happy on a good day and crushes me on a bad day. I have a habit of singing in public without invitation. My quirk, my passion, my link to sanity. I promise you that I can sing. I sometimes embarrass the people I am with but singing makes my soul feel alive. If I can make one other person’s life better even for just a span of a moment I feel like maybe I am seen, that what I do matters, that I have a reason to be. For a very long time after my sister died, I felt empty. Singing changes my aura and fixes my broken.

I try to go somewhere every Saturday. I must start this song every adventure and leave it mid verse. Somewhere in the presence of my own grief I forgot that this song means other things to different people. It is not my song and if I am going to start out on this journey I need to get to the end of the yellow brick road. So live like no one is watching, love with everything you have, make those memories and finish your song.

brain pain, migraine, insane and other disparaging words

STOP! holding your breath and exhale! My head hurts. I live with diabetes. I try my best to control it with diet and exercise but some times it still kicks my ass. This weekend in New England the temperatures were Texas-like but with extreme humidity. All Summer I have been waiting for the vibe of summer to arrive. Well, she finally showed up, dumped her luggage on the lawn, and proceeded in making her presence known. Whenever I push myself too hard my body reminds me that I am indeed mortal and not Wonder Woman ( wouldn’t I love that costuming, lol). I know I drank plenty of water. I stayed in the shade as much as possible but I still feel weak in my knees today. I woke up to hit the lav about 3 am and wham! HELLO MIGRAINE! AND… No one enjoys a migraine. It is now almost 1 o’clock in the afternoon and I am still in my jammies.

I have grown weary of this season. I want the comfort of Autumn. Hoodies, pants, Hocus Pocus. Cool, depressing temperatures that make me dread the onset of winter but it’s what I want today. It is what I need today. I should be out shopping, after all it is TAX FREE weekend here in Massachusetts but I could not care less. Since I am still sporting my jammies I think I will climb back into my bedstead, set the AC to mortuary levels and shut out the world.

LOST

I am out too far. I cannot safely return to the shore. I have many more strokes to execute before I reach the other side. Dark thoughts haunt me as I tread water just managing to keep my head above the swirling darkness. I have come this way many times before. I never manage to make it to the other side…

Have you ever wanted to freeze your perfect moment in time? One of my favorite movie special effects happens with time freeze. All of the action is frozen except for the principle player and maybe one or two other key role players, a theatrical aside. Brilliant; until that is how you feel your life is unfolding. I plod along. I feel like I am finally gaining an understanding into why I rely on food so heavily to keep me happy and then I have an aside. I have been on program this time around for almost two years! I have been doing well. I know what I want. I know I can I break that tape across the finish line, and then I have an aside. I pause the action so I can freeze all the good things that I am doing with my life… so I can have an aside and misbehave.

WHY? wHy! whY?!?

It is late at night and in this moment I am LOST. I am surrounded by people I love who love me and yet I feel singular, alone, one. I feel abandoned, cast away to fend for myself. I blew up at my hubby yesterday over nothing and everything. The battle I rage against is mine and mine alone. I create the walls, the monsters, the self-hatred. THIS IS how my ANXIETY manifests itself. I begin to doubt everything that I am doing. I OVERTHINK the smallest of details. I have a difficult time remembering my worth. I feel like people can see the tears in my fabric, that like a prop I am not real.

I feel the rut of sadness fast approaching. I feel uneasy. I just want to have the strength to stay the course, putt through to the next hole. I head back to work, my regular routines in a few days. I know I will be able to do this. I just need to find a way to be honest when I am feeling overwhelmed. As my kid sister would say, “You are not lost. You just haven’t been this way before. All roads lead somewhere. You’ll figure it out.”

For her I will keep on until I figure it out and I am not lost anymore.

Life’s Twist…

of Fate put you on my path. There is this saying about people being in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. One day a window of new possibilities opened and a gentle breeze blew in stirring the stagnant land. YOU were that breeze, an unexpected wonderful surprise. The moment I met you I felt that you landed on the wrong shore. A creature of rare beauty. Sometimes as people we forget that beauty isn’t always about a wrapper. Beauty is as much about the packaging as it is about the gift.

I want to thank you for “seeing” me. You are one of the lucky few that knows me without the façade of protection I throw up around me. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me think. You let me worry about you, you let me be your friend, you let me take care of you with a kindness or two. You let me into your world and for that I am a better version of myself. You were never meant to stay for more than a season. This time I found a piece of my soul that I thought I had lost to the sorrows of my past. Smooth now like sea glass the harsh edges refined into wisdom. I am sad to see you leave but it is your chance to spread your wings and fly.

.

I am grateful to the universe for swinging your life’s journey through mine and even though we now travel on separate paths please know that I am always right where you can find me. Once there was a Raven…

Like A Hurricane

Once upon a time I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was the girl who was never going to get a guy, let alone marry one! It is almost 4 a.m., today marks that day in time when I wore a very large white dress and he donned a smart tuxedo. He waited for me at the altar. My Dad proudly walked me down the aisle, where he let me start a new life with the man that I love, and together we jumped into the abyss of married life. I was mentally so young and immature about love, all that it truly means. I was blinded by hope and a false sense of jubilation that I always thought would be there. Loving someone you are not related to is the TOUGHEST job in the world. It is not meant for the faint of heart. LOVE is the best gift you will ever get. LOVE is the best gift you can give, always, as it never misses its target audience, it comes in the right color and size. Love has its own energy by the sheer magic of awe it will continue to spread its good vibes. It is the toughest thing to let go of. Its strength can carry you over mountains. The truly blessed carry LOVE with them until the end of days.

Twenty-five, 20 + 5, 25! I deserve a medal! No. All joking aside I am proud of my younger self for believing that I was enough just as I was to be loved. Choosing to let love into a life comes with a whole caravan of FEELS I was just not prepared for. There is RUSH, that emboldened fool that swells with awkward emotions like squee, childish joy, exuberance. There is Hope. I like her but sometimes she shines so bright I wish she came with a dimmer switch. FAITH, is a quiet creature. I have learned over the years to just accept what she is trying to teach me. Believe in the hereafter, believe in your journey, believe in yourself, believe in a higher being, just believe. HATE, this chick is just too intense for me, Every time we hang out she tries to ruin my life. I try NOT to see her as often as possible. Even now sometimes I find her lurking in the shadows waiting for her chance to jump at the tiniest of sparks. Her main hag is ANGER. I really dislike when these two are at the kitchen table together cooking up a scheme. Anger is just DISSAPPOINTMENT in an ugly dress. Over the years I have learned that their relationships are not healthy for me to hold onto if I want my relationships to be OKAY.

My hubster walked into my life and changed every single thing about life I thought was set in stone. BECAUSE of him I know I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful in a way that transcends looks. I am so much more than I ever imagined I could be. He once said to me that he knew I had built a wall around my soul to protect myself from getting HURT but he was smart enough to walk to the edge and peer in through the cracks in my foundation to see the beauty contained within. He had me at peered in through my cracks(pun intended)LOL. Our relationship has its ups and downs, all great rides do. There has been doubt of concept. There have been failed attempts at being parents. There have been times of despair. There has been loss. There has always been US, him and I . I love him like a hurricane.

Love the people in your life EVERY DAY is a GIFT. I am grateful for every day I am given. Anticipation is the most under rated emotion. Life is like a lottery ticket. Sometimes one just has to scratch the surface to find the prize inside.

Thoughts…

that I am thinking at about 4 a.m. Today is not like any other day for me. Today for the first time in forty years I am having major surgery. I am nervous but confident that things will turn out as they need to. Somewhere along the path on my journey through life I figured out how to be a good person. I know? Right? I don’t know how things are going to play out but let me say this; I LOVE YOU. I love having you in my life. I enjoy our time together and you are valuable to me. You have taught me how to listen and to be heard. You have taught me it is okay to be myself, even if sometimes that self is an ass. You let me be a part of your lives and for that I am so blessed. Growing up I always felt like I was not worthy enough to have friends. Wow, how wrong could I have been? At this moment in my life, right now, today I am the most content I have ever been. My life is surrounded by good vibes and great people.

The pandemic we are all trying to live through has been tough on everyone for many varied reasons. I have let a few people slip out of my life quietly but on purpose (TOXIC). Knowing your value is being wise enough to let someone or something leave your plane of existence when it is not HEALTHY or helpful to a life worth living. I struggle with my own sense of self worth and love. I DO NOT need the burden of carrying around someone else’s negative juju. It is amazing just how light that can make you feel. There is no reason to be nasty to them just LET THEM QUIETLY stop being a part of your parade.

Because I felt unloved in my youth I felt alone in the world. Because of YOU I have learned how to be loved. Because of you I am no longer feeling alone. I love having you in my life. I love being in your lives. Thank you for taking the time to try solve the riddle that is me. Because of you, for you I shall live on in a much better place than the one I started out in.

My fear is that I will lose my voice. I love to sing. It s my therapy. Singing brings my world into tune. It makes me feel beautiful both inside and out. It is my happy place. Thank you for putting up with me singing in the most inappropriate of places. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being pleasantly surprised that I can carry a tune. Thank you for just being my friend, my family, my framily.

Love the people in your life. You never know what you mean to someone else. You are someone’s everything. You are ENOUGH. You are loved. You are my world.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE.

Owning It

For the first time in my life Cinco de Mayo will have a whole new twisted significance. I will be in a local hospital in my city having major surgery during a pandemic. NO BIG DEAL…Who am I really? June 9th 2019 I accepted a healthier life challenge. I was planning a trip of a lifetime, with my friend Jadira, to Walt Disney World and to Universal Studios to see all things Potter. I was once again at a weight tipping point. Too fat to ride rides, too fat to fly without a seat belt extender, too fat in my own skin to feel healthy. I wanted to GO and let loose and feel real, feel like a kid again, to love myself and to accept myself for the beauty that is mine and uniquely my own. We went to Disney and to Universal February 2020 before the World fell sick. I flew without needing a seat belt extender. I HAD the TIME of my life! I accepted that challenge to get back to living and I ran with it. I believed I could. I do it every single day. I choose my path .

I have been living my life with every new day given. I carefully make better choices for myself where health, both physical and mental are my top self care priorities. My body is leaner. I feel better than I have for a very long time. It is a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and feel a sense of accomplishment. I see a beauty there I thought I had killed.

My primary care physician would like to see me tip the scales at 165lbs. At my last weigh-in I was hovering around 184 LBS! A true fucking miracle! A weight I have not seen in 15 years. I show up every day to work on myself to become the best version of myself over and over because tomorrow will be better, I will be better. I am nervous about my surgery. I am afraid I will never be able to sing again. I worry my mental health will take a hit. I am afraid that ONCE AGAIN I will walk away from my best success because of the fear I am having a hard time managing and get FAT to the point of unhealthy…BUT…I will fight on. I will not give into my fear. I will reach out when I am in need. WHY? you might ask, because I GOT THIS. I am owning it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

Do YOU Believe…

in magic? I mean the kind of magic we are surrounded by everyday. A smile you weren’t looking for? A kindness not sought after? Yes, that kind of magic, not HOCUS POCUS but the simple magic. Simple magic exists in the every day moments and in people around us who have no idea of the power they possess. I did not start to write this to wax on about the beauty in the friends that I have around me and yet this is what this post is about.

Do you know how to tell if you are a successful person in life? No? Yeah, I could never quite grasp that either until I noticed how the room I walk into where my friends gather feels warm, inviting, inclusive, safe. That, my friends, is the magic. The magic of the smile I give/receive just by being in their presence. Knowing that even if it is a momentary thought shared that our days are made better by the happenstance of the moment. I used to be of the school of thought that I had no real friends. My life empty of people who I enjoyed that enjoyed me. What a fool I am some times. It is not the length of the parade that you remember but the spectacle of the joy it gave you.

I used to laugh reading those corny sayings. You know, “be the change you want to see in the world”, “to have friends you must first be a friend”, “live, laugh, love” and so on. Well? who knew all of these sayings work? I try to apply them in my life and I am better for it. I love in a grand way. If I let you into my life as my friend I will always be in your corner. I will do my level best to be present in our conversations or our time together. I want you to enjoy our friendship as much as I enjoy yours. I am odd. I own that shit. I used to just want to be “normal” but that is not where my groove is, sorry, not sorry. I will take odd and magical any day over normal and mundane.

Cheers to the people in my life who have made it past the preliminary rounds. A lifetime of adventures await.

To know the value of a true friendship is the best gift you can give yourself. Love the people in your life. I do.

For my BFF, for…Marie, Raven, my Book club ladies, Peg, Emily, my adventure ladies, my work peeps, my WWS peeps, my hockey framily, for all the wonderful friends that my life has…thank you for you time, your attention, laughs and love. You make my life so much better just by being a part of it. You mean every thing to me and I don’t tell you often enough how much I appreciate you. Thanks for all of it.

My favorite kind of MAGIC…