Love Handles

I was thinking in the shower this morning, while I was shaving my legs of all things, that lately I feel like my love handles have turned into carry-on luggage.

It is no big secret that I jumped off my wagon and pushed that bitch right off a cliff but the time has come for me to get back to the journey at hand. This morning I woke up with a feeling that there is a fast approaching corner that I am speeding into. I need a new wagon. I need to start managing my health in a different way.

Hockey starts next month and then in short order, my anger becomes a problem, for me. I turn this misplaced disappointment in on myself. I sulk, I feel sorry for myself, and then I eat things no serious diabetic should. I feel trapped by something that is not my passion. The days get shorter as well as my temper. I say hurtful things, sometimes to the people I love the most. Hockey and all things pursuant of hockey is my hubster’s passion, not mine.  His full on zest for hockey has killed all of the like I once held for this sport. Every year I promise myself not to sit at the booster club table and eat the candy…every year that promise lasts maybe ten minutes. I will not do this to myself this year.

If you really read my blog and not just “like” it to be nice, you know that I often say never under estimate what you mean to someone. I am always surprised when someone from WWs reaches out to me and asks how I have been or why I have stopped going or the level of kindness that is shown to me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I really like the back and forth when I am at a meeting. I have met many amazing people. I make them laugh, they make me think. I just wish the corporate side of WWs would stop reinventing their program EVERY YEAR! We all know that if you eat twice as much as you need, you will weigh twice as much as you should! I am always the one I hurt the most when I give up on myself. It is time I start to believe in what I am capable of again. I miss feeling wonderful, healthy, and alive!

I have been wanting to return for some time now but have lacked the faith in myself to overcome my fear of failure. Failure is a great teacher, even if she is a bitch to live with. Failure has taught me that I have the strength to try again. I am more than I think I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

 

muffintop
A movie? Seriously? 
muffin-top-baking-cups-2
muffin top anyone?

 

August

It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

 

 

Friday Night Exhaustion

I finally put it down for the night. My feet and lower legs are beginning to swell. I know because I feel tight in my own skin. I hate the way my feet feel at the end of a long day of chasing my own tail at work. Concrete is my harsh reality. It gives a person all sorts of grand things to complain about: leg pain, foot pain, back pain, shin splints. It is no joke.

I log about 12,000 steps a day at work. Pretty impressive for an old lady who is overweight. Fall is fast approaching and I need (want?) to be able to wear pants but I have outgrown most of the ones I own, again! I am tired of being tired. The Summer’s end will be here before I have any real time to adjust. I have a physical with my primary care physician coming up in October that I want to cancel. I know it comes with advice and judgment and self loathing. I have had just about enough of the self-hate. The photos of my life show me as I am FLUFFY. I have been in some sort of a fluff state since fifth grade. I am trying to unlearn bad habits still. I no longer have the desire to be thin and beautiful. I will settle for just being beautiful! I hope that is enough because that is all I have left to give. I want my good health.  It won’t happen if I keep exposing myself to dangerous elements.

I long to move onto other things beside my angst over eating healthy. I mean I have angst about wrinkles and grey hair and oh let’s not forget about the fact that as I sit here aging at an alarming rate my skin is beginning to get crepe-y, eww. crepeyskin

Getting older is not for the timid. I refuse to let it keep me from being in my life any longer. I have been in a dark space since late last year, October I am guessing. I felt like my attempt at weight loss had become more of a burden than it was worth. There was no fun or spontaneity! I don’t think I was ready for how much effort and determination there really is to accomplishing any lasting results. It had taken me a full year to lose just sixty pounds. I was angry. It seemed laborious and valueless. In my anger I forgot how good I was feeling, health wise.

I started to obsess about every little thing I put into my mouth (NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT PROCESS!!!!) and I felt like once again I was becoming about what I eat. Can I be happy today? I ate well yesterday! so yes! Can I go to the movies? I ate well all week! so yes!?! REalLy? I think this was my WTF moment. So in my usual fashion I just stopped caring about trying to do the right thing for me; which brings me to now… I have not actively been to WWs for months. The corporate WW mantra of POINT FREE foods (food with NO consequences) is a bold faced lie that is plied onto the hopes of people who struggle to lose weight when the focus should be about fixing your well being. TRUTH ALERT!  It is all about balance. I will be going back to my WWs meeting, for my friends I made there and because of the leader. They have helped me be a better version of myself way more than any corporate mantra ever has.

This time next Friday I will be on vacation from everything for 9 glorious days! I need some time to just be quiet. I have taken up the reins again. No more obsessing. I am better than that. I want more than that. I know not facing something now doesn’t mean I don’t face it. Life has a way of slapping you when you need it most but want it least.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

And So The Story Goes…

… Once upon a time in the Woo there lived a malcontent that went by the name of  Didi(disappointed damsel in distress). Okay, so maybe there are three Ds but did you really think I was going to call myself the girl with the Triple Ds? Not going to do it, nope.

I have had a very interesting July/August so far. I have made myself get out into the world for Saturday adventures with people in and around my life. It has RAINED every single trip. I must say that all of my companions have been great sports about the weird weather. The question is, what am I looking for? Why do I feel the need to chase peace? I am trying to have fun hitting some of my favorite spots with new people and exploring new places with companions I have adventured with before. Why does it feel like I am just going through the motions? When will I start to feel the wonder, the excitement, the rush of adrenaline from the unknown variables that make adventures enjoyable? Do you know the feeling I am talking about? It’s that child like awe of Christmas mornings, that intangible feeling of awesomeness from the things, the sights, the smells all around you.

It begins as it always does with the mere glimmer in my thoughts that I can do better, that I can be better. I am slowly returning to myself. I let myself get too caught up in the WWs mantra and lost me on the way. I am back on my journey. I am trying to make healthier food choices. I know what I am doing. I just have to believe I can do it. Hell, I have been doing this since I was in my 20s. I had zero confidence when I was younger. No belief in my own power. I felt at odds. There are no established rules about growing into the amazing person you are meant to be. It comes with self acceptance, friends that love you, people in your life who get you, and a glimmer of light that comes from your soul. Remember  just because you are able to recognize the beauty in others does not mean you are good at recognizing it in yourselves! I have always made the mistake that my beauty is less than someone else’s, which is an untruth. My beauty is uniquely mine.

I have truly been blessed and foolishly I have been wasting so much time feeling unworthy. Every time I embrace who I know I am, I am better. I do better. I believe in myself. It is my inability or my unwillingness to let go of my anger that harms me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I really need to break off from this toxic relationship. Yo, Anger it’s been real but you and me, we have to go our separate ways. I know you think you are protecting me but it’s a lie I like to trick myself into believing.

 

I face tomorrow with a renewed hope in myself. This time I will hold on so I can see what is on the other side of the rainbow. Never Give Up On The Person You Are meant To BE!

life-quote

The First Post After…

the reset button has been pushed.reset I am sitting in my office typing this, trying to figure out what to tell you about my post from the other day. I am fine. I know sometimes I can be very dark.  I know that you lovely people have worried for me. I AM OKAY! I guess I scared my hubby as well, my bad. I have anger issues. I have had this problem even before I knew what an issue was. I have never learned to deal with myself in an appropriate calming manner. I am sorry if I scared anyone that was not my intention.  I BLOG as self therapy. I sit here pouring my heart out to the great cosmos like I am having the best conversation ever with someone in my life that “gets” me, the whole me, the weird me, the wonderful me, the funny, odd, complex me that is ME! I had a best friend. She was my ride or die; until she died in a car accident. Now when I am writing I pretend I am sitting across from her where we used to hang out and chat. I am in my life, most days. I love what is in my life, most days. I even like my job, most days; but sometimes I veer off course. I don’t know why. Maybe I am more like my mother than I like to admit.

I get overwhelmed. I run out of ideas about how to make things better. Sometimes there is more stress than fun. Sometimes there are life events that are beyond my control. I react to them badly. I may be “OLD” but there will always be a learning curve. If only life were a TV sitcom. I could go to Mike Brady and seek counsel but TV is TV. When has Hollywood ever actually saved the day in the real world or made you a better person? Never, at least not to my knowledge.

I need to focus more of my energies on things that bring me JOY. I want all of the people in my life to know that your support, love, friendship and comedy routines mean everything to me. I LOVE you all. I know you are there if needed. I hope you know that I am your ride or die chick (no crime sprees though). I am here if you need me…

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be…

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Semi Colon ;

Please let me say this now, in no way do I mean to hurt anyone’s feelings or make light of your own personal struggles or mental health issues. This is my story. I just feel that if things don’t get said no one hears the dialog and things just stay the same.

I grew up with a parent who was disabled by her mental illness. I was teased by peers because my Mom was weird. Kids were often mean and let’s be honest didn’t understand and didn’t want to understand. I struggle with my own sense of worth because of how I was raised. It is a daily struggle for me to believe that people like me and in spite of myself it is true. The World right now is in an uproar about suicide and mental health but I am not sure the World really knows how fucking hard it is to let someone into your suffering. Everybody has the answer the day after. No one likes to be held at arms length to be judged. Some times that is the reoccurring theme of a person living with depression, judgement. Do you know how many times I have heard in my lifetime that my mother was faking her mental illness just for the attention.  The words of disbelief from people because they were under the false assumption that my mother had her shit together but was putting on a show.

If I concentrate and close my eyes I can still see my mother’s tear stained face. I can feel her anguish. I am unable to help. She doesn’t want to be sad but she doesn’t know how not to be. It is not about the things you have in your life. It is that you are in your life. You are convinced that everything would just be better if you went away. The number of times my mother threatened to abandon me by dying…has left me with scars that never quite heal. My pain is just below a brave façade I put out there for the people in my life. The face I want the world to see, not the person I really am. Every time I learn of another death caused by suicide I can’t help but wonder how long that soul fought with themselves, years? weeks? months? too afraid to ask for help? or too caught up in their own demon flow that they just felt they were not worth saving? Or???? Questions I cannot answer, haunt me. I am returned to my childhood; I struggle to regain {my sense of who I am}the ground I have fought so hard for all of my life. My nights are filled with terror and nightmares.

Everybody has the answer the day after. I stopped blogging for a few weeks because I needed to figure out where I was going. I had started to give away things I own. I have been obsessing about down sizing because I am getting older but I have been ANGRY, agitated, and feeling like I just wanted my ride to be over. I guess I didn’t realize how easy it was for me to slip into the abyss. How many times in my life did I stand frozen with fear watching my mother in the depths of her illness, in pain and anger and self loathing, struggling to find a reason to stay? I knew from an early age she had to find her own reasons to live, that we weren’t her reasons. I think sometimes that is why I feel like I am not enough. Children should never be responsible for an adults happiness and well-being.

Never under estimate the power of a smile or a kind word or a firm well meaning question. Someone in your life is out there trying to find a way to keep you in this life. Believe it. You are loved so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are strong in a way that makes your inner beauty shine. You are kind. You are wanted. You are everything to someone. You are ENOUGH. I love you. Everyone struggles. Everyone cries. You are not alone.

I have been having a difficult time finishing this piece. Menopause is no joke. I hate the person I am right now. Overly emotional, tired, and hateful. I am not this. I am better than this. Trying to come up with answers I could swallow, I made myself sick. I have been having a hard time trying to figure out where I am going. I took some time off from blogging to relax, breathe and reconnect with who I am and what I want for myself. Love is the greatest gift we can give. I LOVE YOU.

For more information about Project Semicolon please visit: https://projectsemicolon.com/

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE

 

 

Head Space

In the interest of better living I have decided to stop torturing myself with the world of WWs. I want other things in my head space, positive things. I find the longer I try to conform to the plan the more lost and depressed I become. This in no way means that I am quitting. Sometime in my future I may once again embrace the culture of WWs, I just need to find who I used to be. This has been quite the relationship but when something that has been good for you becomes something else, you have to be wise enough to take a step back and figure out if where you are headed is where you want to go.
I need to put my WWS experience away for safe keeping. I need to travel a different path for awhile. I am sorry WWs but from now on you’re only someone that I used to love.

The time has come in my journey for me to find where I let myself out on the side of the road. I learned food basics along time ago. In my quest toward ” solve for X” I put aside my truths in exchange for a dream that I built on wet cocktail napkins and cheap party tricks. Somewhere I convinced myself that if I could just fix my fat self  I would have more in my life. There’s in nothing wrong with what is in my life. I bought my own lie. I guess it’s true what they say (who ever “they” may be) that with age come wisdom. It is time I believe in my own power again, find what makes me happy…and today for the first time in more than six months I did.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself. I wander around lost in my head unable to tie my laces and finish the race. I find if I listen to my heart I usually find my way back.  Oh! Look! I am right where I left me = )  Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE!

Unwritten

All of my tries are outside the lines…The time has once again come for me to tweak my story. I get so caught up in “fixing” myself that I get lost. I am tired, almost out of good groceries to snack on AND if I am being completely honest with you, I want to be found. In spite of myself and all of the incorrect beliefs that I have lived most of my life by, I have all of the things I yearned for in my youth. I am loved. I am happily married to a great guy. I have friends that I care deeply for and likewise. I am gainfully employed. I live in a nice neighborhood in a house that is neither too large nor too small. I am a middle-aged woman. I am in the throes of Menopause. I am beautiful in a way that is more important than physical attractiveness. I am ENOUGH! I am tired of trying to live up to expectations I set for myself back in the days of my wild youth in the middle of teenage angst and acne. Those foolish expectations have proven to be unattainable time and time again. SO!?!

Why do I continue to make myself miserable? This weekend I looked through photos of my life. In most of these photos I am, well, I am as I am now semi-round. There is a discernible twinkle in my eye. Here lies the real me the one the naked eye cannot behold. In these pictures I see the loves of my life: my Mom, my Dad, my sisters, the rest of the members of my family who have passed on or moved too far away for me to keep in touch with, except through the modern miracle of social media. It is in the memories of these moments captured in technicolor that bring a smile to my soul not my dress size. I was loved anyway.

I am no longer interested in the pursuit of {insert impossible dream here} a foolish ideal that will make my life magically fall into place. I am not sure what will be in the next chapter of my life but I look forward to new pages everyday. Tomorrow is still unwritten .
Here’s to the next story of my life.

 

On My Way to You

I wasn’t overweight until I hit my teenage years. I was always taller and bigger than my two sisters. I am just under 5’8″. My sisters topped out at around 5’3. Of course I should weigh a little more I AM taller but when you are young and impressionable adults sometime say and do mean things. Growing up between two thin sisters was not an easy job. During my teen age years I felt at a disadvantage when it came to the opposite sex, partly because I could not compete with my own sisters ravishingly beautiful facades. Boys would some times ask me out on a date just so they could get near one of my sisters. Sad, but true and also confusing for a girl who was not quite sure of herself who walked around with dented self-esteem.

I did not date much during high school. I never thought I would be blessed enough to find a life partner, but HE changed all of that. I spent many years floundering through life trying to find my way. I helped my older sister care for her two small sons. I watched over my wild child kid sister. I spent a lot of time wanting to be wanted. Everyone in my life needed me but no one outside of my life wanted me. I felt like the ugly duckling from that childhood storybook.

ugly duckling

In time I sort of just gave up. I stopped waiting for “Mr. Right” and I started to live my life at least hoping that someday “Mr. You’re Better Than Being Alone” would be around for some harmless shits and giggles, no commitment, no real love, no expectations. HE spoiled everything. I had had my eye on him for some time. I liked the way he looked me in the eye when I talked to him. He read a book everyday during lunch. He was tall. He was quiet. He had the most amazing blue eyes…and I thought I ‘d never have a chance; but, he was flirting with me in the lunch line, he was going out of his way to get in my way, he was laughing at my poor attempts at humor.

I told my kid sister that I thought he might like me. I had no idea how to ask him out. I was suddenly nervous and shy. He asked me out to an arena football game (August 20, 1994). We have been together ever since. He sees me. He loves me. He wants me. He needs me. He is my Mr. Right. Because of him I have learned to KNOW commitment, to know real love, to know acceptance. I love you Big D. wpid-big-d-me-7-7-12.jpg.jpeg

What About Today?

I mean what about it? I am in any given day but rarely is about today. This day, the NOW. I am giving up on the things that just don’t make me happy. I am in the Autumn of my life. You know that crazy dozen or so years where we the older generation folks go through all of our worldly possessions and think, “Why the f*ck did I waste money on that? We relegate our life’s belongings into neat piles: donate, keep, BURN. I am saying good bye to my dreams for Tomorrow Land. A land that exists only in dreams where everything is shiny and perfect and? I am sure whatever you need it to be. The only day anyone ever has is today. Why have I been putting my whole life on hold waiting for a better tomorrow? I am never going to be… (the list is really super long so let’s just say that I am who I am )… and that’s okay. I am setting the balloon of expectations free to go haunt someone else with unrealistic goals ( good luck honey whoever you are ). It turns out those dreams were set in the false belief that I would never know profound love if I was not perfect. WRONG!

I am not going to keep being my own biggest disappointment. I am fluffy. I have been in various stages of fluffiness my entire life. I have spent endless vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, regular life days, banking holidays, you name it, raging over my inability to slim down so I might be lucky enough to be considered desirable as a person. Somehow being “perfect” might make it easier for people to love me or like me or want to be my friend or? What a waste of a perfectly good lifetime. Guess what? I am beautiful. My soul filled with love, kindness, understanding, compassion. I just struggle with believing it for some reason. Somewhere in my childhood someone must have made me feel like I deserved less. I decided this morning that I don’t care anymore. I am embracing my truth. I am Trish! Hear me, see me, enjoy me, be part of my life, don’t be part of my life but from now on I am LIVING for today.