Loss, grief, and LOVE

I have been here before. Surrounded by people I love but lost in the vastness of my own despair. People are talking to me but their voices carry over my head like the sounds you hear while submerged in a hot bath tub trying to soak away the worries of the world. Muted tones, blurred words. My pain raises in my throat like a lump of hot coal. My throat burns as I try to swallow. I suppress the urge to cry out. I choke on my own grief. Tears spill out, roll down my cheeks and expose me. This is my reaction to someone else’s loss. Why? The question I ask myself every time someone I love loses someone they love.

Grief is a strange thing. Emotions crash over me like waves on a sun soaked beach. People in the business of Psychology will tell you grief has stages. I always thought that was horseshit and feathers until I joined the club. This club has many members and no one is here willingly. If given a choice most people want more time with their loved one; to live another day, to love with every ounce of their being, to laugh until they can’t, to hold onto the magic of them, to make one last memory, to acknowledge their stronghold on your heart.

Seldom does anyone get those chances. Love the people in your life while they are with you. Get angry, fight, be involved, just don’t forget to STOP and LOVE and LAUGH and EMBRACE. Make a memory. Have you ever seen the movie Artificial Intelligence ? I can not watch this movie without crying. It portrays happiness in it’s purest form and grief so raw it burns. This movie pulls at all the important emotions that make life worth living.

I’ve spent many years unable to accept kind words or deeds done in memory of my loved ones because my soul was too broken and numb. I was unable to hear anything above my own anguish. Perhaps that is why I cry when I am faced with a loss that is not mine.  I still struggle to maintain a peace within myself over the loss of my family. I often wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Never under estimate what you mean to someone else.
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The Trip

Today is a pretty big day for my hockey family. A new hockey team debuted in Worcester, MA this past October. With hard work and determination and some luck thrown in there for good measure this new team has made it to their first showing in the ECHL’s run for the Kelly Cup. For the hockey unknowing in the BIGS, the Bruins are trying to win the Stanley Cup . It is a big thing, trust me.

My hockey family is gathering onto a bus this afternoon to make a 180 mile trip to Glens Falls, NY to cheer on our team.  I like hockey. My hubby and our friends at hockey LIVE HOCKEY. I enjoy going on the trips. The people who run the Booster Club for our team do an amazing job of planning, organizing, and keeping a bus full of people engaged and entertained. THREE hours on a bus is a lifetime! “are we there yet?, are we there yet?”

The town of Glens Falls is near the Hudson River and just shy (15 miles south) of Lake George’s beautiful, picturesque settings. Well worth the drive in Spring or Summer for an adventure. Today my adventure will be in the midst of a bus load of people filled with hockey fever. I better bring a book. Go Railers!

Friday, Fried Day, Fry DAY!!!!

I made it! Le Weekend! Friday = )  What a week. Meetings, meetings, meetings, I am FRIED! Spent, wicked (yes, I am from the Boston area of New England) wicked [we say wicked a lot ;)] tired. Too tired to do much of anything; but, I have musings to posts and love to share so here I am thinking about how much life changes in a blink of an eye. Often I have yearned to be part of something amazing, larger than myself, something wonderful that sowed love, acceptance, kindness. I believed that wanting this was an unattainable fantasy, an improbable impossibility, a non happening happening. Once again I have been surprised by the people in my life. I am awed time and again by their ability to love unconditionally, to build someone up where others might have torn you down.

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This post is for my friends. Life is a weird, wonderful, sometimes sad, overwhelmingly happy roller coaster of people, places, and events. I am blessed to have all of you in my life for as long as you are able and willing to stay. When one of you is in distress it puts me into distress. I want all of my people to be in a constant state of nirvana where there is no negative Karma; but, life isn’t like that.

With your help I have learned to love. I have learned to believe. I am enough. I am loved. I am someone’s best friend. I am listened to. I am everything I need to be. Loss has a odd way of making you focus on what is important yet somehow has been put aside. If a word is never uttered it can’t be heard. Never under estimate what you MEAN to someone. I am never quite sure what it is that I bring to the people in my life but I hope it might be just what you need in the moment with a side of friendship that is accepting, warm, and full of surprises ; )
Love is a gift that only gets better when it is shared. Thank you for being a part of my world.

 


Love, Trish

Where Am I Going?

O-M-G will Spring ever get here? I swear if the sky spits one more snowflake at me I-AM-GOING-TO-CRACK. I am now at that part of my circular journey where I am at the beginning again. Bursting at the seams on all of my favorite clothes, swearing that this time it will be different because of course I am different {really?} The thing about lying face up in a gutter on a busy street is it gives a person a weird perspective. Everyone is so much taller. All joking aside, I have hit rock bottom. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been careening down this slope at break neck speed not trying to gain any type of control on my descent. Wanting to change and affecting change are two very different roads.

I have been unwilling to put forth any real hard work. I let my determination fizzle away like a dropped ice cream melting on a sidewalk on a hot day. Why? Why don’t I care enough about myself to want to be the better version of me for any length of time, why?

Because being a SLOTH takes very little effort.

sloth

Today is another chance to change. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. All of my emotions right below the surface, close to the cuff just in case I NEED them right away. I allow myself to become overwhelmed with possibilities before any situation truly presents itself. Definition of a perfectionist? All or nothing. My life journey is not perfect neither is anyone’s for that matter. Why do I always approach everything as if I can’t have any mistakes or my efforts are for nothing? Flawed belief system. Gives me the excellent excuse to simply stop trying, except I am also insanely stubborn. There will be no waving a white flag, no surrender, no. Not while I still have a fighting chance of being a better me.

Here’s to my thirty-ninth second chance! (raising my cup of coffee high) I’ve run this course before let’s see if this time I don’t crash and burn. I know it will take sometime before I start to feel better. There is a long road ahead of me but I am always up for a grand adventure. I will have to learn to listen to my body again. I need to get back to eating on a schedule to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. I am diabetic and lately I am having episode of the shakes, which are dangerous peaks and valleys in my blood sugar levels caused by eating JUNK. giphy

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

UPDATE: I summoned all of my left over courage this morning and drove myself to a WWs meeting. The house was packed. I haven’t been to a meeting in a month. I am up just over 2 lbs. Excellent considering I had spent this whole time building it up to be a weight gain of MAMMOTH Proportions. My journey continues…

SSDD+1

It’s quiet here in the house. Supper is over and the prep for tomorrow’s day is done. The TV has been shut off for the night. All I hear are the sounds of the keys as I type. A mesmerizing click, click, click as I tap out my thoughts from my grey matter onto my laptop. Do you ever wonder why you do the things you do? Every one lives their lives with some sort of routines in place, same bed time every night, eating at the same restaurants every week, shopping at the same grocery store on the same day of the week at the same time, week after week, month after month… the same, same, same things. It feels like being stuck on a merry go round of doom.

Most people I know find comfort in the routine of living. There are no surprises to shock the system. A person can figure out where their niche is and live happily within its confines. I get restless. This sort of day in and day out repeat episodes of Happy Days drives me mad. Anger is a very dangerous emotion for me. I have never really learned to do positive things with my negative feelings. I need to change that. As a child I thought that when I grew up I would be whole, “an adult”. This mysterious entity that left home every day, who went to work and did magical things like pay bills! Somehow in my child’s viewpoint I thought it meant I would have every good thing I ever wanted: I would be happy. I would have friends. I would be married with children (Oh yes, I wanted 10!) Life would be AMAZING! The problem with child like thinking is it never accounts for heartache, sickness, depression, disappointments. Everything in my kid dreams were hearts and unicorns.

Best of Best 25 Life journey quotes ideas on Pinterest

I have a pretty good life. There are no children ( yes, I am still wounded by this) but I have a job and a hubby (a grumpy overgrown child man that I love) and a place to live and bills to pay. The glory of my life does not in anyway resemble my childhood notions and I am fine with that. I have a long road ahead of me; if I can find it from where I have been hiding in the woods of my life path. Avoiding things does not make them NON things. My truth? I allow my unhappiness to turn into anger and eating to hurt myself because instead of dealing with the negative emotions I try to choke them down with whatever I can sink my teeth into. It’s way past time to find a better way. I need to be better at being me. Say out loud why I am angry, own it, let it go so it can be energy for something good for me not something unhealthy.

Living is an action word. I need to do more of it.

If She Knew What She Wants

Whenever I am really quiet I hear a small voice screaming from the depths of my soul. She is my true self; the one that wants to be free but I refuse to let her into my life. I wish I could sort out what I want from what I need. My biggest fear? I will get to the end of my life and be the same hot mess that I am right now. I want to stop. I am not interested in punishing myself anymore. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect in my WW journey. Changing out terrible eating habits for better eating habits is a job that never ends. One bad choice on my part and I spiral out of control, sometimes for years. When I say bad choice I don’t mean potato at supper instead of salad, I mean I get bored or angry or frustrated and then I just decide to stop going any further. I cave in on myself. I have been brooding about how I walk away from myself since before Christmas letting my anger fester, growing more and more discontent with myself.

Depression is a merry go round I never truly get to escape from. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the Pink Floyd song HEY YOU? It is the desperate cries of someone who feels invisible and wishes to be SEEN. I feel like people never really see ME. They see my persona, the shiny part of the mirror that deflects away from the broken shards that make up my soul. That persona draws people in like a moth to a flame.  HOLD IT! WAIT!! STOP!!! BULLSHIT ALERT!!!!

Is it okay to call bullshit on myself? The people in my life don’t always know when I am hurting or in a bad head space because I do my damnedest to keep them at arms length. Feeling invisible is on me no one else. {breathe, just breathe} No one is a mind reader. Sometimes I can’t make up my own mind so why would I falsely believe people don’t know me? or can’t see through what is causing me distress?

I don’t want to be like my mother. It was hard growing up in a family with a damaged parent. I am shrapnel in a wound that won’t heal. I am not sure how I ended up here feeling like this again. I feel like I am lost at the edge of the woods. I can see where I need to be but I am over run with anxiety about which path to take so I choose no path, which adds to my anxiety, which makes me spiral farther, which adds to my depression, which adds to…

I need to quiet the noise. I need to return to myself. I need to be the person I am. When I wander too far from myself all of my relationships suffer. I smile less, I worry more. I am dissatisfied with myself, my life, my hubby, my friends. I mope around. The only energy I am willing to spend is for napping.

Honestly, I have happy moments. I know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends. My lifemate stands as my rock. He steadies me when I feel all is lost. He angers me, he moves me, he loves me even when I don’t love myself. Is it possible to become a beautiful butterfly after the age of 50? I don’t know but I will never give up trying. The sun will shine again. Spring is here, more hours of sunshine and warmth are on the way. Adventure season starts soon. There are always going to be things in my life that need attention in order for me to feel my best. I need to learn to ask for help. [ What a novel idea = ) ] We are all on the same road trip called LIFE. Will you walk with me awhile?

I love this song from GODSPELL.

Let’s Talk

img_20180320_195524655283036148.jpg Little slips of silliness that sometimes spew volumes of wisdom at you, my favorite part of a fortune cookie. I have been having a difficult time being myself lately. I have allowed myself to drift away from my “yellow brick road” yellowbrickroad (the journey I want to be on) for a path I like to call, “The PATH of Self Loathing”. If I waste to much of my energies on hating myself I lose my way. It becomes nearly impossible for me to get back to the journey that makes me the most content. I know better but sometimes I don’t want to be better. Sometimes I just want to be allowed to sulk, to be uncooperative and shitty. Not wise on my part at all. I am having trouble at night sleeping without being awoken by night terrors. Bad mojo I can’t seem to shake. Something has to change.

I’m sorry. I am not apologizing to you. I apologizing to myself for my own misguided, misplaced misbehavior. Sure, I got bored with adhering to the WWs way of life but that is no reason to just pack it up and pack it in. So what is really going on with me? I have no answer. Life is truly a verb, in other words, I need to stop feeling poorly about myself and just do the things that make me like the me that I am.

The ancient Chinese symbol about the delicate balance of life is yin yang. I have always been drawn to yin yang. This is how I view my life. I let my life become distorted with negativity. It is time I stop, rest, assess, formulate a plan, move forward and embrace the positive. I need this.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

It Ain’t Over ‘Til…

…the fat lady sings. Ironic because I am always singing.   😉   turns out I am not ready to be “over”. I took some time off from following my WW path and got totally L-O-S-T.  Every time I get lost in myself, I gain weight. Irony at its best. I struggle every day. Every single day I pray for tomorrow, hoping things will be better without any effort on my part. I get angry when my prayers are not answered. Foolish much? I mistreat myself with food. I act like a petulant child that never seems to get her way. Even I am tired of me.

I have had enough of my bullshit. I need to have quiet time away from myself and the noise that is WWs. Right now my heart is just not in it. My life started to feel too much like a hamster on a wheel.  I even walked away from my writing. I have 5 posts sitting in my queue just waiting for me to hit publish…

I Stayed Too Long, I Strayed Too Far

The time has come to pick up the pieces of my life once again, pull up my big girl panties and continue on from where I left the ride. The sad reoccurring theme to my life, the never ending cycle of circular logic. I EAT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY, I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I AM DISAPPOINTED. I FEEL SAD FOR FAILING, I AM SAD SO I EAT WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY WHICH MAKES ME EAT… it never ends.

I guess the real question should be why? Why do I always stop myself from completing my journey. When did I decide I had to “fix” myself? I don’t  know but I was a young girl possibly second or third grade. I think that would have put me in the eight years of age range. I am so tired of not being enough for myself. I am a good person. I like to think I am the type of human you might want to hang with. I have excellent communication skills. I love to laugh. I love with my whole being. I am tender hearted. Jeez zus ! I sound like an ad for a shelter animal. “Trish is a sweet old girl who is good around people. She is potty trained. She would do well in any home situation…”
 
I need to STOP trying to fix myself, relax, be in my life the way I want to be. I would love to move onto the next phase of my life’s journey. You know what phase I am talking about? That place in your psyche where you finally feel at home with yourself? Boldly facing the world and its haters;  telling them to go fuck themselves. I don’t need to change! I am beginning to realize that sitting through every WW meeting waiting to learn something new about food and its role in my life is foolish. Food is my drug of choice. Meeting or no the only true way out of this hell I live with is to work through it. No shortcuts, no lying to myself, no eating crap like I am a kid at a candy store.

Learn to alter my behavior for once not my clothes. Live through and experience all of it; the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, the joy, the exuberance, the love. I wasn’t kidding when I told you that while I may wander from my place in line, I will never leave the parade until the last float crosses the finish line.Dr.Seuss

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE.   = )