Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

Mrs. C

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Sometimes on this journey we cry. I hate to feel like I am going to cry. Crying makes me feel vulnerable and weak and needy but sometimes on this journey we cry. On my last trip around WWs I had a coworker who went above and beyond what a casual friend does for somebody.The times we had, the fights, the tears, the laughter; ordinary at the time, precious to recall now.  It’s strange how coworkers can become like family to you. How friendship can make an unbearable job an easier ride through Hell.

I was afraid to join the local Y. I was down my first 75 pounds. I was eager to try out water aerobics but timid about actually joining a “group” activity. Mrs. C not only talked me down from my ledge of fear; she happily told me she would go with me as many nights of the week as she felt up to. I am around the same age as her children and if truth be told I felt like she was adopting me. I loved her for that. She always treated me like I belonged to her. I got scolded when I was rude, encouragement when I faltered and a shoulder to cry on when I just had to let out the emotions that come flying by when you are doing a great job as an active WW. ( yes, that is sarcasm) Through it all she believed in me.

Mrs.C passed away in July.  I am sad. I want giant gumdrops (one of her favorites), I want, I want…I want not to be sad but it is a part of life. I already miss her more than I will ever be able to convey here.  She was a great friend to me. I will carry all that she taught me until the end of my days. 

I wish I could ease the pain of your goodbye for the ones you loved. I can’t; the only way to the other side of grief is to go through it. You are loved. You are missed. I wish you peace.  Until we meet again, my friend. 

For the Love of a Popsicle

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OMG it has been HOT. No, I am not complaining . I am stating the facts. Summertime used to mean heading out everyday after my dad got home from work and hitting a local swim spot. After I learned to drive it was trips to Hampton Beach, Newport and other lovely coastal beaches. Now that I am older (sounds as horrible as it feels) as soon as I get home from the J-O-B, it is kick the shoes off, turn the air conditioner up full blast and whine as I watch bad afternoon TV. Oh! for the love of a popsicle! What the hell has happened to me?

It has been too uncomfortable to eat much of anything. I have no interest in any food. I know!?! who is this girl and what happened to Trish? but it is true. The bad part it’s tougher to stay on plan when there is an unplan in charge. I have been back to WWs since the beginning of February. My choices and determination are harder to manage. I like to call this portion of our trip THE CLIMB. Why? It has more to do with the length of time spent on the road than it does with the results I am seeing. Will I survive the climb? Sure, I will. The real question?  can I survive the plateau?

I am heading for the mental plateau. It is a scary place. Stay too long at Casa Plateau and find your resolve starting to wane. Don’t stay long enough you run the risk of ending your journey before it really picks up steam. Let’s be honest, learning new healthy habits is a lot of work. It tires a gal out. It fills me with a huge sense of self-fulfillment but sometimes I don’t want to do this anymore. What to do? Time to mix it up! Try a different exercise, eat KALE( no,just kidding), take stock in where you are, where you want to be. Could be it is time to leave the comfort zone of what works and try a few new untried curiosities. Don’t allow yourself to become bored in this journey. The cost of bad decisions while bored is immeasurable. Just ask anyone who has ever done a home perm! Never give up on the person you are meant to be. It is okay to have doubt; just don’t forget you are the one in charge. Journey on…

 

 

My Head Aches

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We are not alone on this path of life. Everyday we get up, we get ready to face our day, we kiss our loved ones on the way out the door, we enter the mayhem of another day. I am sitting here tonight trying to come up with a positive post for my fellow WWs who are kind enough to follow my blog…but my head hurts. The nightly news has been horrific of late. I try not to get too wrapped up in the turmoil of the moment. For every story there is a back story. Usually it is the story the media doesn’t give much air time too. It may not be as strongly argued over or it just doesn’t draw in the ratings, whatever the end result might be, that back story should get told.  It is too bad the media is not the place to find the answers or the truth that we richly deserve. I find if I spend too much time focusing my energy on the highlights of the media I give myself a headache. Just for the record…

To live is to learn
Truth
taking a different path

…if you want to see change in your world it is a good idea to start with YOURSELF. Love matters, kindness matters, caring matters. Be the change you need in your corner of the world. Learn to be the best example of yourself, be giving, be caring, listen. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you give it a chance.

Just a Number

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because you are worth it

I think often in our quest to a better version of ourselves we forget we are more than just a number. THAT ugly number you start with is really a stepping stone on your way to a happier, healthier you.  What brought me to Weight Watchers may not even be close to the reason you joined. That is the great thing about each of us. We are alike yet we stand apart. Unique in our own way.

I was on vacation this week. I am not good at relaxing. I am not always good at adulting either but I never give up. I tried to approach this week from a different view point. I didn’t plan out any of my meals. OH NO! I didn’t “Karenize“. I just went with the flow. You know what? I am Okay. I feel good about the choices I made for myself this week. I didn’t grub down and fill myself with foods I have been saying no to. I stayed on plan as much as I could. I went out to dinner with my hubby. I spent time with my Dad. I read. I watched some TV I have had saved on our DVR for eons. I was IN my moments.

I am more than a number on a scale. I will face whatever the outcome of my choices have led me to. I am worth my journey. I believe in myself. I CAN do anything I set my mind to. Winning this war is about coming prepared for the battles.  I used to be my biggest obstacle like a rockslide in the middle of the road. I got in my own way. I blocked my path. I have since made peace with myself.  This week I focused on the positive things I see in myself, Non Scale Victories, intangible but powerful. I ran up three flights of stairs, without stopping(not out of breath). I walked the long way around to my doctor’s appointment. My face looks thinner when it stares back at me from the mirror. I have “found” my collar bones  =  )  I have more energy. My mind is more focused.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Choose to be happy, to believe in yourself. Trust that you are learning how to live a better way. You are more than a number my friend, you are amazing!

 

 

 

Staycation

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Ahhh, my first vacation of the season and {{{SIGH}}} my first vacation of the season. I am a contradiction of terms. I am both excited and deeply depressed. Strange? not if you know me. I suck at relaxing. I have never been able to take a day off. You know what I mean;  sit around, watch bad TV, maybe take a shower, have a ton of unplans. An unplan is a happening with no set logical or pre-established guidelines. Think of it as going to a local store for something quick and different. You had no set plan so you just do the next best thing. A vacation filled with unplans makes my hubby happy. It drives me to distraction. I fight  with myself to be in my moment, to relax,  to do something I have been dying to do! I wait all year for this vacation. You would think I would plan my time off better, fill it with things I want to do, see, explore but I don’t. Mind you I talk a good game. There’s always  something whirring in the back recesses of my grey cells about the perfect adventure.

I like to take the first week of July off each summer because my birthday falls there. I want the luxury of not having to work on my birthday. It is the perfect time of year. The days are longer, hotter and filled with promise you just don’t get in winter. Every year I waste my week; I get plenty done (see the contradiction?). Housework , shopping, spring cleaning. I have all this free time on my hands and no idea how to use it.

)july birthdayI get to share my birthday with my Country. Every one I know loves the Fourth of JULY, the Nations’ Birthday. Hotels are packed, restaurants are packed, beaches are packed. Living on the East Coast in July brings bus loads of tourists to a neighborhood near you. Great, if you don’t mind spending your week off  waiting in long lines for things you hate to wait in line for, like the bathroom.

How easy it is to forget how wonderful something is when it becomes too familiar to you. I have lived on the East Coast my whole life. All the glitter is still there; it’s just harder for me to see. I find my joy in the majesty of the mountains which still takes my breath away. The sunrise over a quiet lake, awe inspiring. A walk in a town I have never been to before, exhilarating. I don’t do these things everyday, therefore; the glitter still sparkles, catching my eye, reminding me of how lucky I am.

My week is nearly over. I am well rested. I didn’t cry on my birthday. I enjoyed spending quiet time with my hubby. I still have time for an adventure. Our unplans worked wonderfully. I have decided I am okay. (I think !?!) I relaxed.  =  )

July

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In just a few short days it will be my birthday. I am only telling you this because, in truth; I hate my birthday. It is void of everything but high expectations. Every year as my birthday month approaches I grow more and more antsy. I want the grandiose sparkly birthday gathering with cake and presents and stuffs I just don’t need. What I get is usually way more sedate and boring. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry and every year I fail.

I know I am being foolish. I know it is a day on the calendar that is special only to me but I have always wanted it to be bigger than that. I suppose that is the little girl in me that never got to have a birthday party(everyone I knew was on summer holiday). I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t want to be a growed up. I am a Lost Girl. I never liked that Pan’s club was boys only. I mean really if it hadn’t been for Tink and Wendy what would have happened to those lost boys?

I guess I hate my birthday because it means I get older. Age is a perception thing. When you are young you wish to be older and when you are older you wish to be younger. An AGE old battle no one wins. I can’t stop time or change the past( which I despise) the only way is forward, which we call the present, that sometimes is difficult for me to find the gift in.

Here goes:

Dear Birthday,

This year I would like to pause and thank you for being part of my life. I forgive you for not being what I needed in the past. Birthdays remind me of how far I have come. They remind me of how much further I can go. With you I have grown into an adult that I am proud to call me. Because of you I have been given immeasurable amounts of love and guidance and support. My friends and family have always been there to rejoice in the anniversary of my coming into being. I am sorry for taking you for granted. Having said that though I must also admit I am not enjoying the grey hair you keep giving me, enough already. Let’s have some fun this year. What do you say we keep our expectations low? our spirits high and surround ourselves with relaxation? Also, a spa day would be nice but we can talk later, Okay?

Love,

Trish

Firefly

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firefly

As a child I would chase fireflies to catch and put into a jar.  I would sit on the porch in the cool of an evening summer night and be filled with the wonder and awe of nature. A firefly on its own doesn’t seem like much but put a few in a glass jar and a dark night is transformed. Sometimes I feel like a firefly; small and insignificant but I know I carry a powerful spark. I set my world on fire. When I believe in the power of me, I can turn that spark into sparkle. I can do this. I am worth this. I am trying to have the time of my life doing this.

I was tired of mistreating myself. I wanted more of myself than feeling sorry for the shape I put myself in. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to embrace my world. The time had come for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. You can’t un-fry an egg but you can make one hell of a breakfast sandwich  =  ) no more self pity.

I gave myself permission to say NO to things I feel are unhealthy or unhelpful. I try to be mindful about the choices in front of me.  I am learning it is okay to make mistakes. It is not okay to ignore mistakes. Ignoring a problem only makes it grow in SIZE. Figure out the whys,{ I find being honest with myself cuts the journey in half = ) } make an adjustment, walk away from it. Let it go! Forgive yourself and move forward. I am learning to embrace who I am not what I see in my mirror. My mirror is too judgmental. It doesn’t add up to the who that I envision in my mind. I have worked on who I want to be for a long time. I am beautiful, giving, thoughtful and kind. My self worth is based on how I treat myself and others. I want people who come across my path to leave feeling inspired. A small gesture on my part that leaves you with a warm feeling in your soul. I call that happiness!

I am a WW because I need help to keep myself on my path. It is okay to ask for help. For too many years I ran from myself. Not wanting to face my whys. Not wanting to face my truths. My truths will be different from yours and that is ok. It doesn’t matter which road you choose; we are all on the same journey. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Don’t let anyone take away your sparkle,not even you! I try never to dwell on that age old question; if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? beauty is like love; misused to cover a myriad of truths and emotions. What does appearance have to do with how much you are truly loved? or respected? or wanted?

A kind gesture towards someone will be remembered longer for the way it makes them feel, than how you looked when you bestowed it upon them.  What you do matters. Learn to be kind to yourself so you can be kind in return. Respect yourself and others will follow your example. You are amazing just the way you are; never forget that. Work on your foundation and your structure will only be stronger for it.

So be calm, be in your moments and Weight Watcher ON!!!

Friday Night Life

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Every Friday, after my work week has come to an end, I sit at my laptop reflecting. I plan out what bills I have versus what bills I have money to pay. Who else in the room? I didn’t think I was alone. Owing money, even if it is for a necessity, is not a feeling I welcome. Sometimes I feel like I work for nothing. Not the truth,that’s the way I feel sometimes then again who doesn’t feel that way?

Weight loss can feel like that. I can be in midst of a wonderful spell of decision making. Getting in a workout or two, planning my meals carefully, living in my moments. Sometimes though in the back of my mind I feel like I am working for nothing. I am the first one to admit, it is usually after I talk myself out of eating a brownie or a piece of candy I didn’t really need in the first place. Damn, I really wanted that! And damn again. I wish the reward for refusing to sabotage myself was bigger! As if wishing made it so. How amazing would it be to look in the mirror after turning down a delectable sweet and see I look smaller. I do look smaller. It has taken a lot of work. Often I want to quit but I don’t.

Whenever I feel like I just don’t want to do this(weight loss journey) anymore, I remind myself that I deserve to be the best example of me. Anything I achieve is worth the work I put in. I am worth the work. I am a force, strong and beautiful. I can achieve anything as long as I remember that I am capable of great things,if I put the effort in  = ). I try to remain positive and move through whatever it is that I have thrown into my path. I make my own obstacles. There is a certain level of fear a true WW carries around with them. I hear my fear whenever I  am struggling with my self confidence. Self doubt is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Don’t go it alone. Ask for help. Your leader can be so much more to your success if you just reach out to them. They do not always have all the answers but all the really good leaders know how to listen. The absolute best ones make you laugh and think and feel. They have all lived the same struggle as us.

Nobody goes through life without making a few wrong turns. I like to think of life as a road trip you take with a best friend. Enjoy the adventure, take note of your surroundings, don’t panic if you get lost. See where that wrong turn takes you. It might be a better view or stop and ask for direction. Live in your moments. Enjoy the adventure and learn to be patient with yourself. It takes time to change. Be happy you have time to change. Donate the clothing you have shrunk out of to a good cause. You help someone else in need and that warm feeling you get should be reward enough = ) I know it is for me.

Give yourself permission to restart a bad day.  A bad minute only turns into the day if you let it. Never Give Up on the person you are meant to be.

EHFAR

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My niece had a bumper sticker on her car that said : EHFAR, being unhip to the lingo which happens generationally, I asked innocently enough what is EHFAR?  careful to use correct pronunciation. She looked at me like I had head lice and said, “what?” so I pointed to her car, her face lighting up, “Oh, that means EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.” she replied, throwing a giggle my way. I remember thinking to myself “that is the stupidest thing I think I have ever heard, but whatever;  everyone needs guideposts to live by.” I only let EHFAR linger in my thoughts for a brief moment before discarding it to the Pile of Malarkey I keep around in the back of my grey cells in case I need info on trivia night. Recently I have been revisiting this idea.

Things happen around me that I have a hard time making sense of. Everyday events some small and insignificant,some life changing. EHFAR makes me angry. I want to shake my fist at the sky and yell and stomp about. I am not one to easily accept the notion that shit happens for a reason. It is a meaningless,all encompassing idea some tree hugger came up with to explain away a trivial pain of a friend.  But? what if they are right?  Have I gotten so busy living life that I have missed signals? What if EHFAR is like a stop sign at a busy intersection? warning you to pay attention? but being wrapped up in a thought bubble you miss it and blow through the sign? what then?

Knowing the reason why something happens does not necessarily give you peace. Sometimes it just makes a mystery more complex. It often fills me with more questions than answers. Everything does happen for a reason. I am just uncertain to know what the reason is.

What Makes Us Different…

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makes us the same.

It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care.  Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something :  loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.

I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.

I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I  try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change.  I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me.  = )

The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.

You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now.  You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

What makes us different makes us the same  =  ) We can do this Cupcake!