Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

Chillax

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A word that I picked up somewhere. It means to chill out and relax. It may have come from the interwebs or I overheard it somewhere. I liked it when I heard it so it has become part of my Trish-isms.  A Trish-ism is something that I have added to my conversational art; how I view my world, people and things around me. A little bit of my unique quirkiness.

We all talk to ourselves. WE all spend too much time thinking, overthinking, tearing down instead of building up. IT is a hard habit to break. I try to start every morning spending a few minutes, before I get lost in my day, sitting on the edge of my bed chillaxing. I shut off my alarm, though most mornings my cat wakes me up, and I reflect.  I draw in a few deep breaths. I stretch and take inventory of my aches and pains. Let’s be honest at my age (51) I am luckier than most,in that I am in good health. I say reflect because if I start thinking, I over think and I screw up my day. I am an over thinker. Was I a good person yesterday? what do I need to do to make today better than yesterday? do I need to shave my legs? need coffee? yes, silly girl …let’s go. It is a new day and another chance to tilt my world right. If I spend too much time thinking about the sketchy choices I made at supper, I  carry around self doubt ALL day. My one bad meal choice can quickly turn into the zone of poor choices sprinkled with enough self pity to crush any living beautiful thing.{{{shudder}}}

Embrace the chillax. Step away from self made drama, focus on what you have done right. Apply what you have learned. Observe, absorb, learn, move on. I am learning to relax with myself,to be calm, to chill out and relax. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

What’s IT Worth?

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Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

The Hands Of Time

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Time speeds by. It’s true nature is to keeping on ticking. You can’t get back lost time. You can’t jump into the future or to the past. Even though you can finds ways to save time; it won’t be in a bottle so you can use it at the end of eternity. Time is the great evader, just when you think you have enough you are all out of it. You can free up time but we usually waste what little of it we have. Life speeds by. Once I was a little girl, feels like yesterday. I can recall a time when I was just starting to feel like a grownup. Now I am on the precipice to middle age? How did that happen? Youth made me wish away my life so I would be old enough to drive, to go to college, to be an adult. What???? I thought, if only I were an adult, I would be Okay. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, anytime I want. I kind of miss the foolishness and immaturity of youth {{{sigh}}}.

Wishing, wanting, needing more time doesn’t get you more. If it did I would fill out the required paperwork right now. I need more time. I want to go back to a happier time when the people I loved were young and happy and here.
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Yesterday I snapped this photo of my hand on my Dad’s hand. It struck a chord in me. How much my hands look like my Mom’s. How strong and virile and young my Dad once was. How much I miss my kid sister and my Mom. When did my Dad become old? How did I not notice?

They say that time is a healer but I think that is a lie. Time is a thief. It slowly robs you of the people you hold most dear to you. Live in your moments. Love the people in your life while you have them.  Make time to be with people you love. They want nothing from you but your time. Spend your time with them wisely. Reap its rewards. Go live life! Make memories.

You’ve Changed

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It’s me, not you. I’ve changed. What is it about change that people hate? Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word. Let’s go with strongly dislike. Change is not a bad thing. It has a terrible reputation. Without change things would become boring, routine, mundane. Life is messy. It never comes wrapped in a tight little package with instructions that say:  just add hot water, cover, let stand for 5 minutes and then enjoy. That only happens with Ramen noodles and there is nothing good about that. Let’s be honest.

Change is scary. Change is intriguing. Change is inevitable.The seasons change. As we age we change. New love changes into something life long and wonderful or divorce depending on life circumstance. Change equals growth.  It takes courage to change.

I’ve changed. I decided it was my time. It was time for me to stand up for the lost soul I allowed myself to become and reclaim my life, my way. I walked back into WWs  because I deserve to treat myself better than I have in the past. I walked away from bad habits. I am no longer willing to be afraid of change.  In fact, I embrace it. I have grown. I am better at giving hugs and taking them as well. I am better at stopping to think about why something is making me angry or tense or nervous. I am learning to let go of things beyond my direct control. Sort of a cosmic live and let live attitude, I guess. I was willing to take a chance on myself one more time. Take a chance on yourself. Change just one thing and watch where it will take you.

The Women of Book Club

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What happens at Book Club stays at Book Club ;  )

Growing up I desperately wanted to be “that girl”. The one all the boys wanted to date and all the girls wanted to hate. I foolishly dreamt that one day I would figure out how to be the smartest, prettiest, most wonderful example of femininity the world would ever hope to know.  Instead I turned into the hater. On the outer edge of every social group one can imagine. I spent a lot of miserable years being unhappy about who I was instead of embracing who I was becoming. I never did become “that girl”.  Time, love, and life experience have turned me into something more rewarding; ME ! I have had to learn some very tough lessons in life about loss, love, acceptance and friendships. It is important to the people in your life to know that you value them.

On my way home from work today I was thinking about all the wonderful women in my life. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had told any of them how much I enjoy their laughter, their companionship, their insights. My friends mean the world to me. Somehow I never seem to tell them that. Shame on me.

I have recently fallen into a group of women who like to read. Well, I throw that out there loosely because truthfully I think we like getting together to enjoy each others’ company. There is a lot of laughing, chatting, gossiping( a tad), eating and enjoying an adult beverage or two. Eventually as the night wears on we get around to whatever book was supposed to be read. I belong  =  ) These women have allowed me into their circle. At first I thought that maybe I shouldn’t join. I had only attended one or two book club gatherings as a tag-a-long. I tagged along with my bestie. I hadn’t formally been asked to join but I was curious and my BFF assured me that the “girls” would love me.

I have a touch of social anxiety that I try to keep hidden. I make terrible first impressions. I feel uncomfortable surrounded by people I am not overly familiar with. I fidget. I give the false impression of over confidence when in truth I am just trying not to fall in on myself with embarrassment. I didn’t have many friends growing up. I guess I have never learned what it is I am supposed to do with them? Being myself seems to work so I am trying to do that more.

I love belonging. I looked forward to going to club night.  I have read all the books. Some I liked, some not so much but I like my new friends. The ladies of this book club are amazing. I am honored to be part of you. I enjoy our time together. You have taught me things when I wasn’t looking to learn. I am more relaxed in myself. I listen better. I am learning to enjoy the moments. wpid-20150712_174207.jpgI am blessed.

 

 

Help Yourself

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Two simple words and yet it is the hardest undertaking. “I couldn’t help myself” is heard whenever someone gives into a temptation. I say it myself like it is the best solution to explain away a natural urge to want things. A fitting excuse for when you have gone too far over your limitations, purchased something you wanted instead of needed or eaten that one small thing you couldn’t live another minute without and then eating way more than you wanted to.

Help Yourself. You have to make that choice. Help yourself or continue down the path you are on. No one can make you a better you, except you. You have to want to be better. It is not always easy to pick your health and well being over every other thing going on in your life. It is OKAY to want happiness. Happiness does not come in a box wrapped in pretty paper and a ribbon. Happiness is a state of mind that needs constant attention to help it last. Choose to nurture yourself and happiness is easier to sustain.  Help yourself. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

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Let IT GO…whatever it is that is holding you back. Claim your life. Every rotten, wonderful moment of it. You are worth your best effort. Forgive yourself. You don’t have to be your toughest critic. Why is it we are all willing to cut our loved ones some slack but not ourselves? Perfection is a farce; a carnival mirror that plays tricks  with your mind. Learn to see yourself as others see you:  kind, intelligent, loving, friendly, determined. Ugly self-thought serves only one purpose, sabotage. Stop doing it! You are amazing! You just have to believe in yourself.

It only takes a spark to ignite a fire. Be the spark in your own life. I stopped believing in myself. I was lost for a very long time. My road has been mostly an uphill climb because I made it that way. I allowed the darkness of my inner turmoil to take over who I know I am. It nearly cost me every part of who I grew to be; the wonderful things that I liked about myself. We all have wonderful things about ourselves. You know its true. Ask that one person in your life that LOVES you just the way you are. What do they like about you? You may be surprised to find out that it has NOTHING to do with your appearance and more to do with the intangibles, like the gentleness of your love or your ability to see the goodness in people or…?

I got tired of feeling tired and sad. I missed happiness. I choose to help myself. Be well. Believe in the power that is you. YOU can do this!  Help yourself =  )

 

 

 

A Tweener

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As I stood in line waiting to head for lunch today an elderly woman behind me tugged at my shirt. I guess to neaten up my appearance but she nearly caused my pants to meet my ankles, without my permission! I turned to smile at her, hiked up my pants and wondered to myself whether or not I should try on some new outfits  =  )

Yup this is me; who I have become, a tweener. I thought being a tween was an age thing. I have come to learn it’s also the feeling of frustration in the weighting zone. I am stuck BETWEEN sizes. Soon the clothes that have been living in my closet and not on me will fit once again. I am happy but I am fighting with myself over my rising impatience. Nothing that is worth having ever comes at an easy price. The sad thing about instant gratification is that the exuberant feeling of ultimate happiness lasts just a little bit less each time. People chase happiness. Instead of enjoying the moment we are in, we tend to chase after yet another beam of sunshine as if there isn’t enough sun at the beach we call life.

Truth be told I slowly became overweight. It has taken me the greater part of my life to become the hot mess I was. I don’t ever recall saying to myself, “damn it sure is taking me a long time to get heavy!” so why do I worrying about getting less fat? It is hard not to crawl into the negativity blanket my mind has woven for me. Rolled tightly into a ball in the corner it feels so warm and inviting, but I know the truths that lie there. Ugly, mean rumors and lies that I allow my psyche to feed me. I alone erode my self confidence. Having a little confidence in the power of you is a good thing. It’s that little voice inside your head that says, ” you can do this! keep going, never give up!” Confidence gives you the strength you need when you think you can’t do something one minute more. It gives you the courage to walk on.

It is Okay to be a tweener. It  gives you the luxury of taking a deep breath and resting a moment so you can right your course if need be or to carry on to the next challenge. Perhaps my body knows better than I do that a steady pace is better than blowing all of my energy on the first lap.  Relax in the journey, take it all in, make a moment. I rejoined my journey to the Land of Normal Sizes in February. I am better prepared this time. I know I am the one leading this adventure. I can enjoy the trip or complain for the whole ride. The easier path lies in the attitude. I choose to be in my moments good and bad. Hopefully I will learn a few things about myself. I am pretty sure I already have  =  )

 

I Mean To Shine

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I am on the journey of my life but then again aren’t we all?  What is that inner voice that tells you that THIS time it will be your turn to shine?  I believe in can be found at the heart of you. It is a part of who you really wish to be, the best version of yourself. If you just listen carefully you can hear your own cheer squad.

“Here comes another dawn for every child to see
This time the morning sun is burning just for me
I’ve got the skyward eyes like I never had before
Just smile and say goodbye, show me to the door

For every one there comes a precious time
To break away

I mean to shine, oh, I mean to shine
As I look out on the morning sun
I know I mean to shine…”

These are the beginning  lyrics from one of my favorite songs; I Mean to Shine. It is about finding out that your own light is just as bright as everyone else’s. It is about believing in yourself, setting yourself free and living in your moment. Why shouldn’t  it be your turn?  Believe in yourself. Choose your path. This is YOUR journey! Make it count. It’s never too late to start a bad day over. I think the inner voice that everyone seeks to find, the voices that help you to be the best version of yourself, are the twin sisters of true success; Faith and Hope. Everything is possible when you hang out with these two. You couldn’t ask for better friends. When you have faith in yourself you can do anything you hope for.  Dream big, believe in yourself, and SHINE    =  )

You’ve  Got THIS !

Support

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This Saturday I am celebrating a NSV or to the non-Weight Watcher a non scale victory. Last week’s meeting was about support. Everyone should have a good support system in place. It is life’s journey made much more fun and adventurous. It is amazing what happens when you have the support you need. A statement that has never been truer than this week. Most people are a little shy about saying things that need to be said. I have never suffered from this problem. I have often gotten myself into trouble because of it. Surprised? Well, you shouldn’t be.

I have been giving all of my best efforts to myself and this new WWs program. Some moments are really tough. A slide towards the danger zone difficult to steer my way out of. I have talked myself down from the cliff of doom of few times. I nicknamed the weak moments of good Trish/bad Trish, the cliff. I see it as me standing on the edge of a cliff wanting to reach new heights yet finding myself rife with uncertainty. I need to make the choice. Will I be good Trish? and do what’s right for me or will I be bad Trish and choose not to care, jeopardizing everything I am working so hard for? This journey I am trying to always pick good Trish. I find that every time I chose the right thing for myself I am more happy, more at peace, more confident.

It is a wonderful feeling when you weigh-in and the scale rewards you for your hard work. I had a tough week. I barely hung on some days. I was not overly surprised that I was up a little bit. I am still here. I am doing this for the long haul. There will bumps along my way. It is on me whether or not I trip and fall. I am learning new things everyday about myself and my strength.

I have been lucky in my adult life to have a great support system. My hubby, who loves and supports my journey. He is very accepting of the hot mess that makes me the girl of his dreams. Every Saturday morning he gives me a pep talk before I leave for weigh in.  My bestie, without her I would wither and die. She brings light to my soul. She makes me laugh. She is my adventure buddy. She is the secretary at my piss and moan sessions quietly “taking notes” until the bullsh*t meter gets too high. She brings me back to reality with a quick quip and the best giggle. She makes me see that not all is lost. The readers of my blog, thank you for all the positive feedback both in person and behind the keyboard. It gives me a sense of accomplishment I have difficulty accurately expressing. The peeps at my WWs meeting, I enjoy every single minute we are together. You make me think, laugh, and sometimes cry. You are a happy thought during my week when things get tough. I can’t lose without you. Only at WWs can you win when you are losing  =  )

I have never been happier to be a LOSER. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

 

Eleven

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Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.