Author: kidtrish

I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an Enigma. Good Luck ;)

Week Two

kidtrishLeave a comment

Week Two is drawing to a close. What a ride. This week I anticipate no weight loss coming my way. Not because I didn’t try. I made better choices all week so I am already ahead of the game. I just let too many things distract me this week. I ate some homemade goodness brought to me by people in my life who love me. This time around, however; I am trying to be in the moments of my life. Guilt is something for a court to decide, not for me to carry around like unwanted carry-on luggage. Who needs it? Not me.

I have made a commitment to myself. Let go of the things in my path that serve no useful purpose. Be kinder to my inner self; stop ignoring that little voice in my head that screams to be heard. I can do this. I want to do this. I am responsible for my own happiness. Imagine how much easier it is to row a boat in a body of water than on dry land. Odd comparison but my whole life I have been trying to row my boat up a mountain.

This week I pep talked myself into getting back on task if I wonder off course. I was able to get right back on track. I promised myself to log every thing. Make myself accountable. No blame game going on here. I ate. I logged. I moved on. No angry thoughts about should have, could have, would have. It is what it is. My journey continues…

 

I went to WWs this morning. I weighed in (like the courageous soul that I am) and… to my delighted, surprise I lost weight  =  )  Yippee! GO ME !!!!

Just breathe, believe in the power of yourself and DO wonderful. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

That Unknown Part of Me I Can’t Let Go

kidtrishLeave a comment

You were like a Spring rain. Intense with high potential for damage. Just like a storm you left someone else to do the clean up, me. In your wildest dreams I bet you never imagined one little girl could leave behind such devastation. Hearts were broken, lives ruined; and yet the sun came out. The sun always shines after a storm. Even the heavens want the world to know there is light after darkness.

You taught me to be brave. You forced me to embrace my life. You have brought me places I wouldn’t go myself, you made me participate in my own life. All it took was you dying. So very sad , so very true. Why did you self destruct? Why didn’t you try harder to leave him? why didn’t you value yourself like I valued you? why didn’t you believe in the wonder that was you?

I have lost my way without you. I like to pretend I am above my feelings. I am drowning in my own pool of denial. The more I try to lie to myself about how I am doing the deeper the pool becomes. My tiny craft is taking on water. I am unable to bail the water fast enough. I am circling the drain wondering where all my time has gone off to adventure without me.

I am becoming an old lady without you. I used to wonder what that unknown part of me was. I finally figured it out. It’s the shards of my broken heart. Just when I think I am in a good space, I feel their pain as they push against my soul. Your laugh I hear only in dreams. Your smile a faded memory that mocks me from photographs. I miss the sound of your voice. I am afraid if I let you go, I will lose what little I have left of you.

Weak One

kidtrish1 Comment

I didn’t want to get out of bed so early; but, I did it. I didn’t want to admit that I had left my journey on the road back at my fork; but, I did it. I didn’t want to accept that I needed to go back to WWs; but, I did it. I got up before the alarm clock went off. I woke my hubby by trying to be TOO QUIET. I rushed out the door. I was a walking emoticon. I felt like crying. My throat felt tight like I couldn’t breathe. I was anxious about walking through that door. I talked to myself the entire drive over. I sat in my Jeep for a few moments and pep talked myself into going in. I went in. I weighed in. I sat down and I let go of my anxiety. I did it.

I did this for me. I am worth this. I forgot how important I am to myself. I need to be healthy for me.  How things have changed. New rules to learn, bad habits to tame into healthy routines, exercise!?! UGH!!! I have a hate/love relationship with that. I could blame this on high school forced participation (with little to no encouragement or positive feedback) ; but, I am adulting today. I listened to the topic for the week. As a group we laughed, exchanged ideas and talked about our lives. It felt wonderful. I love my early Saturday morning meeting. I have missed you.

I have struggled all week to make better choices. I made a few mistakes. Unlike times past, I haven’t given into myself. I am trying to make this work for me. I miss seeing my feet. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never be the Diva in double digit underpants ever again. I want to be the best version of myself. I have quite the adventure ahead of me. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I am a little nervous and excited at the same time. I had a great week because I took part in my well being.  What have I learned this week? I am not the WEAK ONE. I can do this.

 

Brave?

kidtrish5 Comments

I love my Pops. Everyone who knows me knows how much I care about this man. People often say to me how strong I am or brave or what courage it takes to face his illness. I never know quite know how to respond to that. I know if the tables were turned and I was the one who was ill my Dad would be there. It is the character you build with the help of your parents that makes you the person you become. My parents had their faults, who doesn’t? They also tried very hard to instill certain values in us girls. Work hard, love with an open heart, be kind to people, listen, be understanding. Give of yourself not because it is expected of you but because want to share who you are with others. Nice counts.

My Dad never graduated high school. He was from an era in time when quitting school to seek a job to help your family was encouraged. I am sure my grandparents would have loved it if all of their children had stayed in school and jumped for their share of the American dream but dreams don’t put food on your table. My Dad has always had a strong sense of taking care of one’s own family. Do what needs to be done so they are provided for. He was a great provider. I can remember him having two part time jobs to help round out his full time job just to make ends meet. My mother was really unable to hold down a job for any significant amount of time. Her mental illness always got in her way. Crippling her ability to cope with every day duties of keeping the house and kids in line. Often my Dad had to be both parents.

My Dad never gave up on my mother and loved her devotedly until the day she died. Funny, he doesn’t remember her now. Sad for me; blessing for him? Who am I to say? I only know in my heart I am glad my mother did not live to see my Pops robbed of his memory. She nearly lost her mind after my sister passed away. I sometimes think that’s why her health declined so fast after Breny died ; she was broken. Both of my parents were clingy after her passing. My phone would ring off the hook. They would often call me to make sure I was Okay. Annoying then, but now I realize how hurt they were by her passing and how afraid they were for me and my other sister. Loss was not easy for either of them.

I deal with my Dad’s loss everyday. He is still here, yet he is not.  As the days go by I know my time being with him, laughing, living, crying and just being his kid are on the decline. He will not live forever despite my best efforts. I have become the parent to my parent. My parents taught me what to do. There is no bravery involved. Only love…and love can do anything. Love the people in your life while they are still here to share it. Dad/Trish

Fear

kidtrishLeave a comment

What are you afraid of?

I have lived with some form of fear, well, I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t afraid. I guess you could say fear has always been on my side. I was afraid of the dark as a child. I was afraid of my mothers’ rage. I was afraid to try new things or to look stupid in front of others. I am afraid of chickens and dolls with faces. I am afraid of losing myself to obesity. I am afraid that some day I will get dementia like my Pops. I am afraid of being homeless, jobless, abandoned.

The problem with fear is that it can be so powerful that you get frozen by it. It is difficult to free myself.  Fear has a way of making you small. I forget sometimes that I am in control of how my day goes. I have the power to turn a bad day around. I am a force to be reckoned with  when I stand up for myself. Being fearful makes you weary in a way that is hard to explain to a person who doesn’t understand what it is like to carry this burden.

Fear …I hate you. I hate how you fill me with self doubt.

 

Is It Okay?

kidtrishLeave a comment

…if I decide that I am good enough JUST as I am? Is IT? I am done. I find myself on the path of middle age. Some of my dreams, wishes, desires will never come to fruition. I am many things. I am funny. I am a worrier. I obsess about things that worry me. When I love I throw everything that I am into it. Hurt me and it takes near a lifetime for me to trust you again. I am loud. I love to laugh. I love to sing. I love the people in my life. I guess I just want to know that the people in my life love me just as I am. Hot mess and all. I will always be overweight. Does that make me less valuable than someone who will always be skinny?

I am tired of rowing my boat in a circle. I have come to believe I have put my health on the skids by trying to hard to make changes to the ways I eat instead of the whys. I think it is time I under take a new approach by …yeah what should I do?

I feel like it is time to throw my hat into the ring and give this eat better to be better thing another go round. I miss feeling healthy. I miss my ankles and my skinny jeans. I miss laughing and meaning it. I miss the me that was smaller and full of life and hope. I am READY to try again.

No Hiding

kidtrishLeave a comment

No matter where I run I can not hide from myself. I have been thinking about changing the direction of my blog. Sadly it is my life which needs direction not my blog. I have been in turmoil with myself for a long time. Not happy. I grew up with someone who was never happy. Did she rub off on me? Did I pick up her bad habits? In a room full of people I love, I find myself feeling empty, overwhelmed, sad. I don’t really know how to just talk with people. I am not a great listener, not one of my better qualities.

I am a fixer.  I want to fix whatever it is that may be troubling you or making you sad or uneasy; yet, I don’t know how to fix those things for myself.  The only coping skills I taught myself? Be the smartest person in the room. Rely on only yourself, never ask for help. Don’t cry! it is a sign of weakness. Never take care of yourself first, fix everyone else’s unhappiness.  Well, guess what? not good edicts to live by. It has terrible side effects.Whenever I feel overwhelmed (which is often) I hit the snacks.

I have found that I am not always the smartest person in the room and that is ok. I don’t always know what to do. It kills me to ask for help. I am working on it. I am afraid of so many little things that they become overwhelming . These fears strip me of my ability to get out of my self-created misery.  Lately I am crying at the slightest provocation. Some people blame it on impending menopause but that is horseshit. I cry because bravery comes with a cost. When I can’t smile at the storm one second longer I lose my battle and the tears flow. I have the hardest time not fucking up my own happiness.  I don’t know how to take care of myself. It is time I learned, really learned not just practiced. I live with this need to punish myself for my shortcomings. No more hiding. No more punishing.

I can’t do this to myself anymore. I need to be happy with myself and my life choices.

 

 

A Hangover

kidtrish1 Comment

for a person who has an eating addiction can be horrible. Eat too much  and your tummy  may not be the only thing that hurts you. I woke up this morning with a full blown migraine, blocked ear and a sour stomach from too much hot sauce. WTF! Will I ever learn?

I am one of those people who talks a good game but is horrible at go time. I will fix my eating habits tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next month and so it goes year after year. Sometimes I let myself win, sometimes I throw obstacles in my path that are tough to move through.

Food is not my problem. I AM.

I want to like myself. I wish I could be comfortable in the who that I am and wouldn’t need to hide behind food. I have wasted so much of my time on being fat. I just want the pain to go away. I want to stop hating myself. The worst thing you can ever do is lose faith in yourself.  I never even taste the food I eat when I am in throes of my addiction. I am trying desperately to numb my emotions. I don’t want to feel anything;  but, I am surrounded by life.

The bottom of the hour glass is filled will the grains of my wasted life. To the casual onlooker it appears to be sand, sadly it is the tiny grains of time that I have let spill away from me unused or wasted on trivial,meaningless pursuits. I know I have less time to write that book, sing that song, love my life, my friends, my family. I feel hopeless. It is not a passing thing. I have fought the way I feel about myself most of my life.

I wasted most of today on self-pity. I have to say I throw a grand party. I blew up all my own balloons and had myself an awesome cry. The toxins from too much sugar are finally leaving my body. I can feel my head clearing. I am still sad but I will soldier on just like I always do.

Until the next hangover    = (

Once Upon a Time…

kidtrishLeave a comment

when I still believed in magic.

It is Christmas time at my house or should I say apartment? I am very young probably between four and six years old. I am still too young to understand the nuances that come with reality and make believe. I am more than content to take “make believe” at face value and buy it all; hook, line and sinker as Gospel truth. I mean what four or five year old wouldn’t? Santa wouldn’t stand a chance without plausible deniability.

As December ticks off its days my imagination soars. If we have no fireplace how is Santa supposed to get in? Will he bring my “Kenner Give-A-Show Projector” and my baby dolls and popcorn balls? I try to be a good girl and do as I am told. At night my mother plugs in our tree, as I wait for sleep to close my weary eyes I watch the ceiling and the patterns the blinking lights make with the tree. I am happy; my tiny heart filled with joy. I am safe and loved and well cared for. My faith in the intangible magic of Christmas unshakeable.

Sometimes at night if I am restless my mother comes in and warns me that the footsteps I hear faintly above my head belong to one of Santa’s helpers sent to spy on little children. I gasp and try with my grandest of effort to be still. I am too young to see my mother’s mental illness or to know my dad works long hours and odd jobs just to put food on the table. As I look into my mother’s face I see her beauty, her eyes filled with love for us. I see my dad handsome and strong. They are everything to me and my sisters. I still don’t know how Santa got in but he always did. I got all of things I ever wanted. Clothes, boots underwear, art supplies, LPs, cameras, watches, basketballs, dolls, games, oranges, sweets, popcorn balls, silver half dollars, PJs, sleeping bags…

We had many Christmases together as a family. Some were over the top grand, others not so much. We had aunts, uncles and family friends, they were more like family than friends, who chipped in and helped my parents to make Christmas magical. As a child I never saw that part of the people in my life, I just believed everything would be OK. I was even fortunate enough to have a godmother( a fairy godmother; well, to me anyway ). Every Christmas she would bring a special gift just for me.

This is for my parents June and Roger and to everyone I could think to add : Terry, John, Veda, Fran, Charlie, Meredith, Maryann and Roni, Dolly, Mary, Edgar, Cecile, Nap, Bobby, Monica, Sophie Smith, Cleo…

I wrote this to say thank you to all of the people in my life for always being there for me even when I didn’t see.
Thanks for all the magic you enriched my life with. Love is the greatest gift.

Happiest of Holidays

Sharing

kidtrishLeave a comment

I talk too much. I know it. Anyone who knows me has felt the pain of my inability to just be quiet. I have an opinion about most things. I am oddly happy when I am in the midst of an adventure with my bestie. I talk to people I do not know as if we are life long friends comfortable with each other that only familiarity gives you. I can’t contain my joy; it tends to spill out. I chat up whomever we come in contact with. Today my bestie and I went on a road trip to one of my favorite nearby destinations, Pickity Place a little slice of happy away from the crazy busy world. I love this place.

When we are there I feel removed from all the stresses of adult responsibility. I feel lighter in spirit. We walk the grounds and visit the herb shack and the little gift shops; there are two of them, each with different surprises. I feel like I can relax and draw breath and just BE happy. The staff are wonderful here, friendly and inviting. This place is more than just a unique dining experience. I step through the looking-glass to a time in the distant past before the madness of modern conveniences.

After our luncheon, delicious to say the least, we decided to pop into White Home Collections an old white house transformed into a shopping adventure. Here they offer antique clothing, dishes, furniture and one of a kind objects and objets d’art. Each room a different sellers niche. Beautiful arrangements of the Christmas kind to be found there now. There are even spaces in the attic full of interesting, thought provoking, inspiring items. An artist’s heaven. An antiquer’s paradise a dreamer’s wish come true.

Make someone’s day. Take them on an adventure, make a memory. Talk too much, be in your moment. = )