Category: Awestruck

Swim, Swam, Swum

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Towel wrap at the ready I climb the few steps which lead from the ladies’ locker room to the pool. I gently push open the opaque glass door (one never knows if someone is too close to the door) as I walk onto the decking around the pool. The air is warm, humid and slightly pungent with the smell of everything pool. I swim in a saltwater pool, so the chlorine smell and its effects are much more muted, no red eyes, no burning nose, no skin irritation and best of all a longer life span for Lycra Spandex. I always do a quick visual inventory of the pool deck, who is already lane swimming, which lanes are open and of course, check the clock. A huge white faced, red second hand sweep jobber hangs near the far end of the pool opposite the locker room entrance which serves as a constant reminder that time is ever ticking, and the time slot waits for no one.

I place my towel, eyeglasses, and water bottle poolside onto a folding chair. I kick off my Crocs and make my way to the stairs. I try to always reserve Lane 1 or 2. It is just easier for me to access the water from there. I am older. I broke one of my legs some years ago so slipping into the pool from a railing is harder for me. This morning, I was blessed with Lane 3. Well, I was but an older woman was already lap swimming and pretended not to notice me. It happens, bad form on her part. A very nice man in Lane 1 split lanes with me so I could swim. he swam in Lane 2 and I in 1. He even apologized for the old broad in Lane 3. Who does that? He made my moment of frustration melt away. I thanked him and got down to business.

I am not a fast swimmer. My form needs work, but I give swimming my all. I do a mean back stroke and can hold my own with the side crawl. The pool is where I go to be alone. I do some of my best thinking in the water. I like to listen to the beating of my heart, the intake of air as I breathe through each stroke magnified by the water that surrounds my head. The rhythm of the sounds relaxes me. The stress and anger of life lifts. I am able to do 20 lengths before my time expires. It doesn’t seem like much but 88 lengths is a mile swim. I will get there. I know I will. I will be forever thankful to the public school system of Whitinsville MA for making me partake in swim lessons when I was in fourth grade. I was fearful of the instructor, a stern woman named Lorraine. If you are from Whitinsville, and of a certain age, you know who I am talking about but without her guidance I would not be able to do what I really enjoy.

I have never been one to belong to a gym. I do now, this is who I have allowed myself to be. I was never comfortable enough in my own skin to do any of the things I now enjoy: yoga, Barre, swimming, walking the treadmill, stationary bike…exercising. I even shower at the gym and go forward with my day. Who AM I? I guess it is true what is said about getting older. I really have learned that what I think I can achieve is more important than what someone else says (thinks) I am capable of. I have my own confidence, not borrowed or boosted like book from the library. I own it. I am a woman of a certain age. =)

I see you. You are loved. You are enough. I love that you are a part of my world. I am not always great with letting the people in my life know what they mean to me. Call it a weariness caused by a lifetime of letdown from people I should have been able to trust. Some dogs do indeed bite. I love the people who choose to be part of my life. I have residual sadness over the end of a few friendships with people I have parted ways with (creative differences). I am certain that I am not everyone’s cuppa tea. I am Okay with that. Just as I am certain they have since moved on and silenced the whys? of our undoing. This is not to say that my life path has not been blessed with wonderful people. It has. Some people have visited, some have stayed, some came spent time and then went away. I have learned something from everyone who has crossed into and out of my life. I have learned valuable life lessons from each person who walks the path with me even if it is only for a short while.

I am certain that I am living my best life because I work every day at being who I always dreamed I could be. I refuse to give up. Life is a journey don’t forget to enjoy it. There will be many stops along the way but the adventure rolls on. Veni, Vidi, Vici/ swim, swam, swum

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE.

Why IT Does Matter!

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Whatever your IT is, it matters. Your mental health? Your friends/family? Your IT matters because your situation and your life are unique to you and you alone. Life is your ship to sail. MY “IT MATTERS” because I am worth all of the time, I put into taking care of myself. I chose to be brave last year. I took a chance on myself. I didn’t bounce my idea off another soul. I just showed up for myself. Life is about growing pains. I joined Worcester Fitness; I left WWs after a tumultuous 15-year relationship. Why? WWs has embraced a philosophy I do not agree with, so I jumped off their bandwagon. Guess what? There is life after a breakup.

I love my gym. ME! Yes, I said it. I LOVE MY GYM!!!! I have mostly maintained the same weight as when I walked into the gym that first day for my tour of their facilities. My weight is an up and down battle. It always will be, and I am fine with that. My overall health is excellent, in my opinion. I am learning yoga. Me, a yogi, who would have ever thought I would be doing this? I LOVE, luv, love my BARRE class. I secretly always wanted to be a ballerina when I was a little girl. I just jumped back into the pool last week. I forgot how much I love to swim. I admit I am a touch slow, and my strokes are rusty, but I am having a blast. I grab one of many different classes offered on Saturday when my schedule allows it. I am proud to say I am in my second year of belonging to this gym. I see myself partaking in what this establishment has to offer into my foreseeable future.

Every time I take a chance on myself, it is to find balance within my life, I learn things about myself. Some things I keep, some things I discard, and some things I modify. Sometimes I stubbornly hang onto people or issues in an attempt to fix these things. I have learned that this is a personality flaw on my part. I am working on letting go of people and situations that no longer bring me peace instead of giving in and feeling miserable because I gave in instead of moving on.

I have worked at a TJMAXX Distibution Center for nearly forty years, on a five-day workweek Monday through Fridays. In February of this year, I made a huge work life change. I now work four days a week, 10 hours a day. My weekends are longer (yes, me likey) but so is my workday. It seems like a match made in the heavens but that would be a lie. I love having Fridays off, but it comes with a price. During the week when I leave in the morning for work it is dark. I come home in the afternoon, and it gets dark quickly. The only sunlight I get is on the weekends or if I go outside while I am on lunch. Quite frankly, it has put me into a moody state. The shitty summer weather has not helped either, but the time has come (yes, once again) to haul up my BIG GIRL panties, hitch up my saddle and ride this pony off into a beautiful sunset.

Choosing your own well-being over people or situations in your life that causes undue stress is why it matters. Loving who you are at this moment is why it matters. I matter, so do you. Learn what you are worth. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Love the people in your life the best way you know how, and remember I am by your side whenever you need me. Embrace the sunshine whenever you can. Be kind, learn to listen. You are enough! You are loved! I enjoy having you in my life. I am thankful for your participation in my world.

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

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You catch a glimpse of something at the edge of your line of sight. You are certain you see something; a sense of apprehension is growing. One minute life is what is has always been, and the next? You are moving forward at the speed of light, and just like a snap of the fingers thirty years has flown by. How curious and yet, how life affirming to know there has always been a constant in my adulting, my hubby and his strengths as a good human.

Let’s spend a moment of silence … Okay? Everything good?? Well, let me start by saying it is totally cool if that answer is NO. I have my daze. (You catch that play on words?) We are now working a new schedule with longer hours but shorter days. I wish sometimes that affecting a lifestyle change was as easy as stepping through a mirror or plunging down some shady ass rabbit hole but that my friends is not reality (I am a big fan of Alice in Wonderland). Everyone is (or should be) familiar with a quote that goes something like ” be the change you want to see in the world”. How many of us actually pursue it or believe we can change ourselves or the world around us? Scarce few of us, this I am certain. I used to be afraid. I am not anymore.

There was a time in my life when I felt overwhelmed by so many things around me. Growing up with little adult direction and guidance in my life colored all of my decisions, friendships, jobs, love, self-esteem, and sense of purpose. Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a maiden, who didn’t understand her worth. Never in her thoughts was there a happily ever after looming in her dreams. Until one day, her future changed paths and she said YES…to a different mindset, to a different reality, not a fairy tale. He may not be a prince but to me he is a king. I am loved. I am enough. He sees me for everything that I am and still loves me. He is everything to me. My love, my joy, my aggravation (yes, I said aggravation; this is life not a Disney movie), The Green Hornet to my Kato. Today is our 27th wedding anniversary. It still feels like we are just starting out on our life journey together.

We are each blessed to have found the other. You are my EVERYTHING I love you more than you will ever know, thank you for being you.

Walk Into A Brighter Future

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I wonder if you realize how brave you are? how strong? how wise? I admire you. You treat the people around you as if they are an intimate part of your life. You walk this life with a quiet dignity that makes people stop and take notice. You bring calm to a rolling storm with the utterance of a few kind words.

Your life path is headed in a new direction. I am so excited for all of the possibilities that await you. Remember that you are seen that you are enough just as you are and that is where the beauty lives.

I see you for all the things that you are. I see you for all the things you are capable of. I see you for the kindness you carry in your soul. True beauty is found in the things that you do, in what you say and in how you treat others. Kindness is an odd gift. You can be touched by kindness, yet you can’t own it. Its very nature demands that it be given away. That is its secret power. Its strength lies in the act of being given. It is not anyone’s to keep it needs to be shared.

I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved.

Today this is for me, I needed to remind myself of who I am because I have fought tooth and nail to become a better human. I am not the same person I once was. I like the human I am ever becoming.

Tuesdays with Mary Beth

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First and foremost, I hate Tuesdays. Adulthood is nothing but living through endless Tuesdays as they plod along on a continuous loop replaying all the drama of the bad decisions you have made in past lives. I know a tad dramatic; but am I wrong? If you work Monday through Friday, no one and I mean no one ever says “Oh, I love TUESDAYs!”

Mondays are what they are. Wednesdays are hump days and who doesn’t enjoy a good…Thursday is payday for most but “the end of the work week is near” for me. Fridays are typical Fri,yay! go out with your friends, relax, order take out, and finish Wednesdays intentions, lol. Saturdays are not heavy with chores and Sunday is what Sunday is. Different for each of us but I try to make my Sunday as worry free and peace filled as possible. What is Tuesday for? Until recently I would have said not a thing but pent-up anger and work- a- day sludge, that is until I found the courage to join yet another gym.

I pulled my self-confidence out of moth balls, bought some yoga pants, and took a leap of faith. I have been a Weight Watcher for many years. I have lived through many “program” changes, some good, some horrible but I always manage to hang on. Why? because I need to. One day in October after I found that recent surgery results were benign, I strolled in off the street and asked for a tour of facilities. I have had my eye on Worcester Fitness for more than a few years. Nice location, super clean, dedicated, friendly staff. I will admit what drew me in was BARRE. One of the leaders at WWs, Glorya, inspired me. WWs always talks to members about exercising or our need to move more. Glorya always seems so excited when she talks about her BARRE classes. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was five. I know, a lifetime ago but a dream is a dream as long as you keep it alive by working on it.

Adulting is hard. Facing an unknown variable at any age is tough but I DID IT. I want something better for myself. Something that belongs to me, that I work hard for. I chose my health. As soon as I was signed up and an active member, I celebrated by hitting up Starbucks for my favorite iced cold brew. I drove home, told my hubby, my friend Suzy and then the tears of realization hit. I have joined so many gyms in my past, always full of hope and inspiration. I practically had myself quitting before I even started. Not this time. I went to the website and signed up for YOGA with Mary Beth for Monday night. I looked at the BARRE class for twenty minutes before I had enough courage to book that class as well for Tuesday.

A life really can change in a blink of an eye. I showed up for my first group class, YOGA. I loved it. The coach/instructor? Welcoming, friendly, easy to understand, patient, encouraging. I was hooked. I left that class feeling like I finally found my gym. I started BARRE class the next evening. I thought I was going to pass out. I slayed it! Ok, so maybe I hung on but I did it, an adult ballet class! Little girl Trish overcome with JOY as pure as a Christmas morning from my youth. I am learning so much about myself, about what I can do. I go to every class wanting to learn more, to absorb it all. I have met new wonderful people in all of the classes I sign up for. I am looking forward to the winter months. Really, who says that? And to my Tuesdays with Mary Beth and BARRE.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE !

On the Precipice of Nevermore

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I have been to the edge before; something (yes, that something is me) always happens, and I turn away. Lack of faith or fear of the unknown or? I have never trusted myself to find out what awaits me. Once I had the longest road to travel and was unsure of the way. I am older (who isn’t? lol) I have learned to live with my struggles. I have travelled far, seeing and doing many things I was afraid to try. I have opened my soul to new experiences, new people, new places. Have you ever undertaken a journey of many miles and lost track of the beauty in the route chosen? Well, that is story of my life in a brief sentence.

By embracing my journey, I have learned to accept not expect. I have learned to hug my world. Once upon a time I felt small, insignificant, un- something, wanted, loved, something was missing or so I thought. In setting myself free from people and things that were not right for me I changed. Change is scary but it can also be freeing and wonderful. I recently have had some health issues going on. I had to see my cardiologist, my primary care provider and my gynecologist. I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere, lol. I am fine. In fact, except for some touch up paint I am now medication free. How many 58-year-old people do you know that only need a daily vitamin and an allergy pill? I’ll wait.

I now find myself with a new sense of purpose to continue along my path, reach goal, maintain my progress forward for as long as I am able. I am at the top of my mountain, looking out over the precipice, determined to have other adventures, to meet new people, to enjoy whatever, nevermore will I doubt what I am worth. I am enough, I am loved. Never believe someone else’s vision of you. Something uttered in anger is thrown in an attempt to hurt. It is up to you to draw from it, hold onto it or set it free. Thank you for being part of my world. I hope you know how much I love you. You are loved. You are wanted. You mean more to me than I am able to convey. You are seen. You are heard.

The Only Way To Move…

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forward is to push through… and by that, at least for me, means to sort through the craptastic pile of menusha that sometimes explains my state of mind and/or my life. When there are things to say but there is no one to listen, do you say them anyway? Do you shout to the moon or whisper in the presence of the stars or maybe sing to the space that surrounds you? Have you ever been so disappointed by someone that you just don’t know how to move on even though you know you must. A door has been sealed shut and there is no throwing back the bolt that locks that door to regain entry…you are just on the other side, left with a bruised ego and an emptiness.

Why do we, why does anybody take the time to reach out to those around them? Is it because of an aura we can feel or see that is missing from our own souls? I reach out because I see something in you that sparks joy in me, or I see something in the ashes of your burned-out self that needs a smile or a kind gesture that tells you that I am a kindred spirit. A person who wants you to remember your worth, as a fellow human. The everyday feel of the moments of your life can weigh you down, make you feel like a gem that has lost its luster. I know I am a much better person when I let my true self shine. Why just live through another day? Why not LIVE through another day? Smile at someone you don’t know, compliment someone, anyone. A small act of kindness to one other person can be that link in a chain of wonderful happenstance that changes a moment or a feeling of being empty or alone for both of you =)

Tomorrow waits in the wings; my anticipation is high for a grand day. Saturdays are my day to adventure, to try something new and untried in my world. This summer has spent almost all of her magic, which makes me a little sad. She is like that favorite aunt you can’t wait to visit with and hate to have to leave. I have made a few new friends, I have visited some exciting new places, I have found interesting spots to have a nosh or two. I have come to understand myself more. I like the choices I am living with. I am happy in my life. I am blessed. I am enough. I am loved.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be…I’m not

3:33A.M.

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WHY? am I awake at this feckin’ early hour? Simple the pain of being. I am older and as such sometimes my body hurts, a lot. In my past I have broken a leg, an ankle, and my acromion ( top of one’s shoulder )of my right arm. My hips ache and my bony knees need cushioning while I sleep. There was no article of reference for this in my “How to Adult” booklet that was handed out in tenth grade! Wait, What? there was no hand out? WTF, serious mistake made by someone in Housekeeping that is all I can say.

The hubster and I are on our yearly two week break from taking orders and behaving like adults venture. I know most people refer to this time as vacation but seeing as we STAYcation most years it doesn’t hold the same allure for me. I do enjoy a good stretch of time off for good behavior though, truth be told. Anyone who knows me understands that I loathe my birthday; a long standing tradition of mine dating back to when I was wee, when I lacked the understanding of sharing a birthday with the county that I call home. One of us (not me, just to clarify) has much better fireworks and guest participation.

I have learned from the older version of myself that my Birthday can be quite amazing if I just go with the flow and set my inner child expectations to low instead of STUN. This year’s birthday; however, did indeed STUN. Hubby and I ventured to Gillette Stadium to go our first ever professional soccer game. We met up with some friends from our extended hockey family, tailgated (another first), laughed, and enjoyed our surroundings, the mayhem of the crowds, the heat of excitement and post game fireworks and music.

SO many things were different this rotation around the SUN this July versus last July. I know most people live January 1st to January 1st but my calendar is July to July, sorry not sorry. If you are a fellow July Peep, you get it. It’s not my fault the rest of the World lives within the Gregorian Calendar, formerly known as Julian time. I march to beat of the TRISH event calendar. Huzzah! I say! WHAT? Last year I was in turmoil. I was getting over major surgery. I was not in a healthy mind space. I felt adrift. Life moves on; if you can accept that some times paths, courses, and people change. I have changed. My tastes in all things is on a path of discovery. I am learning new things, accepting new challenges, meeting new people, I am maintaining my weight loss! For the very first time in my old lady life, I am choosing to stay healthy. I am wearing last seasons SUMMER clothes! Huge victory for me.

As of this musing, I no longer feel adrift. Who knew this feeling was normal and to be expected after surgery, not me, but then again I have NEVER had major surgery before. Life lesson learned = ) I will never understand why mental health still carries a stigma. Every person who draws breath sometimes struggles with feeling OKAY. I know life is a tough battle that is sometimes carried out on the battlefields of one’s mind. We all have value as individuals. We each have a life story. I am still working on mine. Welcome to the adventure. We will be traveling at a speed in which I feel comfortable. If you are boarding, please have your attitude ( only good vibes accepted at this time) and luggage ready. I promise you love, laughter, acceptance, and a rip roaring good time now and then. Remember…you are enough, you are beautiful, you are loved. Love the people in and around your life. Embrace your moments. SIDE NOTE…? I have even learned to enjoy the ART of a hug. It is sort of like the tiny libraries everyone has on their lawns these days: leave one, take one. LOL

Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant TO BE

In A Dream

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Or is it? a dream I mean. I think about you often. Once upon a time it was every moment of every day with every breath. I could not allow myself to accept that you had died. I still miss you. I would still give my life so you could have life but I am no longer crippled with sadness. Time does smooth a stone. Every year I tell myself that same little white lie, I will be strong. I will celebrate you…

You are there in the shadows waiting for me to give into the Mistress we call Sleep. I am sad. I am trying to stay awake, trying to make myself figure out what has triggered my tears. My soul knows but my mind does not want to give in. When I am lucky enough to see you in my dreams you are happy. There is a peace that surrounds you that escaped you when you were alive. Maybe that is just my deepest wish for you, that you found what you had spent all that time searching for. Today dawns the anniversary of your very last day. I like to think that we spent that day together but it is a lie. We talked but we were moving within our own lives, just like the days and months before your accident.

Sometimes in a storm we are unable to right our course or keep the boat from capsizing. I am sorry I didn’t realize you were in a storm. I love you. Love does not diminish with the years. I have a hard time recalling your voice now and that will only deepen as I age but your laugh is ever loud. Your beauty ever present.

Like A Hurricane

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Once upon a time I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was the girl who was never going to get a guy, let alone marry one! It is almost 4 a.m., today marks that day in time when I wore a very large white dress and he donned a smart tuxedo. He waited for me at the altar. My Dad proudly walked me down the aisle, where he let me start a new life with the man that I love, and together we jumped into the abyss of married life. I was mentally so young and immature about love, all that it truly means. I was blinded by hope and a false sense of jubilation that I always thought would be there. Loving someone you are not related to is the TOUGHEST job in the world. It is not meant for the faint of heart. LOVE is the best gift you will ever get. LOVE is the best gift you can give, always, as it never misses its target audience, it comes in the right color and size. Love has its own energy by the sheer magic of awe it will continue to spread its good vibes. It is the toughest thing to let go of. Its strength can carry you over mountains. The truly blessed carry LOVE with them until the end of days.

Twenty-five, 20 + 5, 25! I deserve a medal! No. All joking aside I am proud of my younger self for believing that I was enough just as I was to be loved. Choosing to let love into a life comes with a whole caravan of FEELS I was just not prepared for. There is RUSH, that emboldened fool that swells with awkward emotions like squee, childish joy, exuberance. There is Hope. I like her but sometimes she shines so bright I wish she came with a dimmer switch. FAITH, is a quiet creature. I have learned over the years to just accept what she is trying to teach me. Believe in the hereafter, believe in your journey, believe in yourself, believe in a higher being, just believe. HATE, this chick is just too intense for me, Every time we hang out she tries to ruin my life. I try NOT to see her as often as possible. Even now sometimes I find her lurking in the shadows waiting for her chance to jump at the tiniest of sparks. Her main hag is ANGER. I really dislike when these two are at the kitchen table together cooking up a scheme. Anger is just DISSAPPOINTMENT in an ugly dress. Over the years I have learned that their relationships are not healthy for me to hold onto if I want my relationships to be OKAY.

My hubster walked into my life and changed every single thing about life I thought was set in stone. BECAUSE of him I know I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful in a way that transcends looks. I am so much more than I ever imagined I could be. He once said to me that he knew I had built a wall around my soul to protect myself from getting HURT but he was smart enough to walk to the edge and peer in through the cracks in my foundation to see the beauty contained within. He had me at peered in through my cracks(pun intended)LOL. Our relationship has its ups and downs, all great rides do. There has been doubt of concept. There have been failed attempts at being parents. There have been times of despair. There has been loss. There has always been US, him and I . I love him like a hurricane.

Love the people in your life EVERY DAY is a GIFT. I am grateful for every day I am given. Anticipation is the most under rated emotion. Life is like a lottery ticket. Sometimes one just has to scratch the surface to find the prize inside.