Like A Hurricane

Once upon a time I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was the girl who was never going to get a guy, let alone marry one! It is almost 4 a.m., today marks that day in time when I wore a very large white dress and he donned a smart tuxedo. He waited for me at the altar. My Dad proudly walked me down the aisle, where he let me start a new life with the man that I love, and together we jumped into the abyss of married life. I was mentally so young and immature about love, all that it truly means. I was blinded by hope and a false sense of jubilation that I always thought would be there. Loving someone you are not related to is the TOUGHEST job in the world. It is not meant for the faint of heart. LOVE is the best gift you will ever get. LOVE is the best gift you can give, always, as it never misses its target audience, it comes in the right color and size. Love has its own energy by the sheer magic of awe it will continue to spread its good vibes. It is the toughest thing to let go of. Its strength can carry you over mountains. The truly blessed carry LOVE with them until the end of days.

Twenty-five, 20 + 5, 25! I deserve a medal! No. All joking aside I am proud of my younger self for believing that I was enough just as I was to be loved. Choosing to let love into a life comes with a whole caravan of FEELS I was just not prepared for. There is RUSH, that emboldened fool that swells with awkward emotions like squee, childish joy, exuberance. There is Hope. I like her but sometimes she shines so bright I wish she came with a dimmer switch. FAITH, is a quiet creature. I have learned over the years to just accept what she is trying to teach me. Believe in the hereafter, believe in your journey, believe in yourself, believe in a higher being, just believe. HATE, this chick is just to intense for me, Every time we hang out she tries to ruin my life. I try NOT to see her as often as possible. Even now sometimes I find her lurking in the shadows waiting for her chance to jump at the tiniest of sparks. Her main hag is ANGER. I really dislike when these two are at the kitchen table together cooking up a scheme. Anger is just DISSAPPOINTMENT in an ugly dress. Over the years I have learned that their relationships are not healthy for me to hold onto if I want my relationships to be OKAY.

My hubster walked into my life and changed every single thing about life I thought was set in stone. BECAUSE of him I know I am wanted. I am loved. I am beautiful in a way that transcends looks. I am so much more than I ever imagined I could be. He once said to me that he knew I had built an wall around my soul to protect myself from getting HURT but he was smart enough to walk to the edge and peer in through the cracks in my foundation to see the beauty contained within. He had me at peered in through my cracks(pun intended)LOL. Our relationship has its ups and downs, all great rides do. There has been doubt of concept. There have been failed attempts at being parents. There have been times of despair. There has been loss. There has always been US, him and I . I love him like a hurricane.

Love the people in your life EVERY DAY is a GIFT. I am grateful for every day I am given. Anticipation is the most under rated emotion. Life is like a lottery ticket. Sometimes one just has to scratch the surface to find the prize inside.

Thoughts…

that I am thinking at about 4 a.m. Today is not like any other day for me. Today for the first time in forty years I am having major surgery. I am nervous but confident that things will turn out as they need to. Somewhere along the path on my journey through life I figured out how to be a good person. I know? Right? I don’t know how things are going to play out but let me say this; I LOVE YOU. I love having you in my life. I enjoy our time together and you are valuable to me. You have taught me how to listen and to be heard. You have taught me it is okay to be myself, even if sometimes that self is an ass. You let me be a part of your lives and for that I am so blessed. Growing up I always felt like I was not worthy enough to have friends. Wow, how wrong could I have been? At this moment in my life, right now, today I am the most content I have ever been. My life is surrounded by good vibes and great people.

The pandemic we are all trying to live through has been tough on everyone for many varied reasons. I have let a few people slip out of my life quietly but on purpose (TOXIC). Knowing your value is being wise enough to let someone or something leave your plane of existence when it is not HEALTHY or helpful to a life worth living. I struggle with my own sense of self worth and love. I DO NOT need the burden of carrying around someone else’s negative juju. It is amazing just how light that can make you feel. There is no reason to be nasty to them just LET THEM QUIETLY stop being a part of your parade.

Because I felt unloved in my youth I felt alone in the world. Because of YOU I have learned how to be loved. Because of you I am no longer feeling alone. I love having you in my life. I love being in your lives. Thank you for taking the time to try solve the riddle that is me. Because of you, for you I shall live on in a much better place than the one I started out in.

My fear is that I will lose my voice. I love to sing. It s my therapy. Singing brings my world into tune. It makes me feel beautiful both inside and out. It is my happy place. Thank you for putting up with me singing in the most inappropriate of places. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being pleasantly surprised that I can carry a tune. Thank you for just being my friend, my family, my framily.

Love the people in your life. You never know what you mean to someone else. You are someone’s everything. You are ENOUGH. You are loved. You are my world.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE.

Do YOU Believe…

in magic? I mean the kind of magic we are surrounded by everyday. A smile you weren’t looking for? A kindness not sought after? Yes, that kind of magic, not HOCUS POCUS but the simple magic. Simple magic exists in the every day moments and in people around us who have no idea of the power they possess. I did not start to write this to wax on about the beauty in the friends that I have around me and yet this is what this post is about.

Do you know how to tell if you are a successful person in life? No? Yeah, I could never quite grasp that either until I noticed how the room I walk into where my friends gather feels warm, inviting, inclusive, safe. That, my friends, is the magic. The magic of the smile I give/receive just by being in their presence. Knowing that even if it is a momentary thought shared that our days are made better by the happenstance of the moment. I used to be of the school of thought that I had no real friends. My life empty of people who I enjoyed that enjoyed me. What a fool I am some times. It is not the length of the parade that you remember but the spectacle of the joy it gave you.

I used to laugh reading those corny sayings. You know, “be the change you want to see in the world”, “to have friends you must first be a friend”, “live, laugh, love” and so on. Well? who knew all of these sayings work? I try to apply them in my life and I am better for it. I love in a grand way. If I let you into my life as my friend I will always be in your corner. I will do my level best to be present in our conversations or our time together. I want you to enjoy our friendship as much as I enjoy yours. I am odd. I own that shit. I used to just want to be “normal” but that is not where my groove is, sorry, not sorry. I will take odd and magical any day over normal and mundane.

Cheers to the people in my life who have made it past the preliminary rounds. A lifetime of adventures await.

To know the value of a true friendship is the best gift you can give yourself. Love the people in your life. I do.

For my BFF, for…Marie, Raven, my Book club ladies, Peg, Emily, my adventure ladies, my work peeps, my WWS peeps, my hockey framily, for all the wonderful friends that my life has…thank you for you time, your attention, laughs and love. You make my life so much better just by being a part of it. You mean every thing to me and I don’t tell you often enough how much I appreciate you. Thanks for all of it.

My favorite kind of MAGIC…

Fortune Cookie Wisdom?

Put out into the World that which serves you best. My way of saying,” be kind and see kindness returned, show love and understanding, be loved and understood. Put your best efforts forward, be rewarded with a job well done. I have not blogged for awhile. It is hard some days keeping my happy/healthy mindset in check. Let’s face it, most days the only thing people are thinking about is when will COVID finish running its course. Will we be okay? Will I be the next person to get sick?

It is increasingly more difficult to stay positive, to be happy, to be hopeful especially when the people in your life, people who mean everything to you are distressed. This weekend hubby and I raked our leaves, a chore I admit that I loathe and yet it felt like a day in the land of normal. The air brisk, the sky bright, the mood awesome. It felt AMAZING. We even managed to go out and buy a chest freezer without having to wait until our “item” would be back in stock. An all around stellar day. AND… then there was Sunday, {{{sigh}}}

My Sunday mornings have been the same routine since March. I get to wake up without an alarm (best feeling) I trudge out to the kitchen, start the coffee, gather laundry. I have a standing 8:30 am ZOOM meeting with fellow WWs many of whom I have become quite friendly with. I like to think of our group as a beautiful oasis in the midst in the Desert of Menusha. This lovely group of people boost my happiness quotient each week and I really miss someone when they don’t show up.

My usual Sunday started out well enough. Coffee was made, laundry was started, I was working on my bill pay and grocery list. I was making a second pot of Joe so I could sit and enjoy my meeting when the noises or lack of noises caught my attention. There is something to be said about an old fashioned wash tub and board. They never broke down UNLESS the operator did. My wash machine was doing its own version of “the Electric Slide”. Hubby and I bought a new washing machine shortly after we moved into our first home in 2012. I am grateful that she waited until deep quarantine version 1.0 was over before she decided to take one last spin. I am grateful that we will have a new machine before deep quarantine version 2.0 begins. Her breakdown took me away from my WWs, my thoughts, my friends, my enjoyment. Well , not entirely but I was distracted because of it.

My laundry is in limbo but only until tomorrow afternoon = ) I managed to finish my bill pay, go grocery shopping, do dishes, enjoy being. My day got a little sidetracked but it still ended up better than I thought it might.

UPDATE: 11/19/2020

I am happy to report that I really love my new machine. I have never been so excited to do laundry before. LOL

11/28/2020 UPDATE…to the update: I somehow forgot? was distracted? dunno? missed posting this. So now that it is time for another blog post I am marrying my “now” thoughts to my “then” thoughts of 11/15/2020 so bare with me and try to stay along side whilst I take a run at this, Okay?

Earlier I was chatting about my friends from WWs. How important they are to me and how I often hope that in some small way I mean something to them. Never underestimate your power. What you represent/give/are to someone else when you are not aware can and does have the most awesome sparkle. On this trip around the sun I decided to be more of who I really am and less of what I think people want from me and you know what? I am happy. I enjoy people more. I want to see what the next day and the day after that brings.

I always wanted to be heard. I got so busy shouting, “HEY! What about me? look at me!” that I forgot how to listen. Listen to myself, to wait and listen to others, to hear what the people in my life are really asking for, to understand that they needed me to just BE there to be. I have never been able to keep still, to be calm, quiet, to just BE. I struggle to relax. I am better at it but just. I have my days. I try everyday to slow my roll, to listen to what I need, what you need, what is needed before I act. Who knew inner peace was such a workout?

Listening is a life skill that I am apparently going to spend the rest of my life learning to manage. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be. I’m not.

October{SIGH}

I love this month. I am a big fan of Halloween which is strange because I do not like masks or clowns or costumes. There is just something other worldly about this month and its holidays that I find hard to resist.

Maybe it is the leaves turning a shade of wonderful that I like. Or the fact the shorts become pants and I can skip a few days (ALL WINTER INTO SPRING) and not shave my legs. Or maybe it is the snuggling in on the couch with a good book and a blankie. Or that it suddenly becomes okay to put cinnamon, nutmeg , and ginger in a beverage and call it “Pumpkin” whatever. I do not care. I honestly think it might be because I love orange and the rest of the year it is kind of too brash to be displayed without causing a rush of odd comments. Here is to ORANGE, a color you can not beat and a word that does not have a rhyme. That is reason enough to be a fan. Well, at least in my book. Let’s chat about my other near favorite color…GOTH! Okay, Goth isn’t a color but it should be.

When I was a teenager I was a Goth chick. The only color I was ever interested in was black and shades of black. It is a great color to wear when you want to hide who you are from people. I wanted to hide. I was a DUFF. Look it up it is a thing. On the other hand black can also be sexy and alluring depending on the cut of the clothes and the person wearing those clothes .

Me in retirement. WOWZA

I can totally see myself rocking this outfit shopping at the local grocery when I retire. Stepping out while I am out! While the slinky little number found below these words ?!? I think I can work this look on occasion, just not every day. I certainly give it up for those of you out there that can but I for one JUST CAN NOT!

Bazinga

See what I mean? I do much better in one version versus the other . You decide. One takes humor, the other RBF( resting bitch face). I mean who am I really? I guess my only other question; Can orange be the new black?

Autumn is the time of year when things calm down a bit for me. No rush to get anywhere, no last minute Summer excitement, all the tourists everywhere find their way back home and the my area of the Globe settles in for the up and coming hockey/winter/Christmas merry-go-round. And I can watch Hocus Pocus in peace.

On The Cusp

This afternoon as I sat in the Jeep dealership waiting area, drinking perhaps the worst “instant’ coffee ever I was struck by an odd thought. I must first tell you the thought did not come to light until I noticed an older woman struggling at the snack machine. “Wow, life has rolled right by this woman. She is having a hard time navigating the new technology of that snack machine. Some day soon it will be my turn.” That’s right, I scared myself sober. My sigh so loud the woman actually looked over at me in surprise.


“Sorry, long day.” I tried to reason. She smiled at me and continued to struggle. “Do you need help? There is a Keurig type coffee machine over here if you are need of some terrible coffee.” She assured me she was fine, just a little hungry. When she finally sat down I couldn’t help but notice how frail she looked. Not because she might be frail but because everything around us in the showroom waiting area is larger than life. BIG chairs, BIG tv, BIG, biG,BiG,bIg!!! Touchscreen everything, coffee kiosk, snacks machine, tv, check-ins, and payments.


How often do younger people look at me and think the same thing I was thinking about this woman? I am betting more often than not. Sooner or later life leaves each of us in a HEARTBEAT. We naturally slow down as we age. Eventually we have mis-steps with our thinking or our every day movement or even our speech. Growing old is not for the weak. It is often a time of loneliness and uncertainty. I miss the “cocksure” attitude of my younger days. LOL


I stopped taking selfies a few years ago because some old broad was stalking all of my shots, turns out it was ME! WTF! How did my MOM get in there? I never wanted to grow old. I wanted to stay in my 30s forever but turning 40 ruined all of that for me.

Gnaw

I love this word. If you are an over thinker, and I definitely am, this word is part of your everyday existence. Life is a balance beam routine that never ends. One has to learn early how to manage each aspect of daily living in order to have room for happiness and peace. Sounds contrite I know but it is my truth. I lie to myself about letting go of petty things or unhealthy emotions but often I let things fester or gnaw at me for what seems like an eternity.

I hate the saying “forgive and forget”. I CAN NOT do it. I know, I know I should be able to but I won’t allow myself. It is one of my biggest faults. If someone hurts me on a personal level I would rather be free of them then ever try to mend a fence. Having said that I also should tell you that I will relive “the last moment” we shared over and over a million times trying to figure out what I? could have done differently or better or nicer. Lately though I have come to a new thought, WHY? JUST WHY? Do I need to feel inadequate? inferior? was I in this relationship alone? was it already dying when we parted ways? I will no longer be chasing people. END OF STORY.

I can not change the way I feel about things unless I want it. The last thing I need is someone who acts like it is their job to change me. I have enough on my plate already. I am odd. I am wonderful. I am giving. I love to laugh and be silly. I have many wonderful qualities that I often shutter down because people I associate with do not “like” when I am me. I am slowly removing those persons from my vicinity.

Can we talk about the concept of extending the olive branch? Does that BS ever work? I often think I will extend an apology to someone who clearly thinks that I have done them some great amount of bodily harm, or I damaged their reputation or I ignored them or a million other silly make believe missteps. You know what it gets me? Yes, you guessed correctly!! DING ding, said offended person tries to shove the branch up my ass…good times. ANY time I have ever attempted to say mea culpa (my fault) I usually have a vitriol sandwich crammed down my throat whilst the “injured” person tries to feed my that F*kn branch via my lower alimentary canal. I no longer extend that branch. I have taken up gardening. I like olive oil so I am branching out. ( I will just leave this here)

News flash in order to move on from a place of hurt BOTH parties need to be on the same plain of thought and feeling, otherwise the effort put forth lands flat. Flatter than an opera singer trying to find her note. I am learning to let things fall away, to leave whatever is unhealthy aside so I don’t gnaw at the food in my house when my thoughts and feelings are gnawing at me.

Find your Joy! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE !

I See You

for all the things that you are. I see you for all the things you are capable of. I see you for the kindness you carry in your soul. I see the beauty of you that you keep missing. I see you in a way you don’t see yourself. Walking around wrapped in a blanket of self doubt never does anyone any good. True beauty is found in the things that you do, in what you say and in how you treat others. Kindness is an odd gift. You can be touched by kindness yet you can’t hold onto it. Its very nature demands that it be given away. That is its secret power. Its strength lies in the act of being given. It is not anyone’s to keep it needs to be shared.

My soul used to be so heavy from my own negativity about people, life, the world and its craziness. I never really allowed myself to appreciate kindness. The smile I wasn’t looking for. A word of encouragement from a total stranger. An unexpected day filled with a positive outlook. I have changed. Life threw some high speed curve balls at my head. I was set on a course that I did not know how to navigate. It left me feeling vulnerable and alone. I was angry for a long time. I wanted someone to blame for my losses. No matter how many times you cry yourself to sleep moaning the mantra “life is unfair” it is what it is. Being alive is hard, not living your life is harder. I finally got back to the business of living. And you know what? I am no longer angry.

It is what it is. I work really hard at being the kind of person I want to be. I want people to feel my soul shine when they are with me. I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. Believe that you are capable of great things and then go do the things. In time you will find your greatness. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved. Be kind because it matters.

I am, am I?

Life is a strange journey. Last June I decided to stop being an ass, embrace my inner thin chick, make an unquiet peace with her, and try to get back to the business of losing weight so I can keep my good health. OH MY GAWD what was I not thinking? It has been a frustrating, sad, heart wrenching time in the world. Some days so filled with fear, apprehension and uncertainty that I can easily become anxious about every little thing. Yeah I know, preach. I am finding it very difficult to stay in the moment, to enjoy the peace that surrounds me.

A few years ago I used to blog about my weight loss. I learned a lot about high expectations from that failed exercise ( see what I did there{{{wink, wink}}} ?)! The pressure I put on myself to keep succeeding when I didn’t feel like circling the block anymore got to be too much and just like that [a quick snap of my fingers] I was back to being the “fat girl” with a killer smile, a quick line, a song … and a broken heart. I say broken because every time I walk away from the version of myself where I feel I belong a little more of who I know I am disappears.

The odd thing about losing weight is I know how to do that. It is staying in the mindset of healthy habits difficult to maintain. I have struggled all week with feeling enough. Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Have I exercised enough? ENOUGH of ENOUGH! I promised myself that on this leg of my life’s journey I would not give into that little girl lost that lives in my head. I AM ENOUGH! A mountain can not be climbed without effort. NO more obsessing. It is unhelpful, it is unhealthy, it is soul crushing. I deserve more from myself, for myself. I have always been enough. The scale does not define me! I DO!

Today for the first time I got to see “The Greatest Showman” on Disney +. I know I am late to the show( no pun intended) but that is what happens when you are afraid to go to a movie by yourself and no one else you know wants to see a musical. Live and learn but if you are a believer in everything happens for a reason then I wasn’t meant to see this movie until today.

The song THIS IS ME is me. I needed to hear those words. So often in my life I have felt like I was too broken to be valued, to have value. I was starting to slide back into that feeling…but an odd thing happened on my way to giving up on myself and it all started with a song. This journey is long. This journey is tough BUT I AM WORTH the journey! This is ME!

I have learned that I am not on the road by myself. Asking for help makes the journey easier to shoulder. I am strong. I am brave. I am. I can and I will…succeed, keep on keeping on, being in my moments, loving my life and all the wonderful people that help to make it worth the ride.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

And So It Begins…

Over the course of last week(June 8th) the job called and summoned the hubster back to work. Joy and anxiety, two emotions that should not be holding hands, and yet…

The hubster and I work for the same company. We have two very different types of jobs.  While we occasionally see each other at work more often than not we do not see each other until the end of our day. I did not get a call back. At this moment my skill set is not needed. I know how anxious I am feeling being home alone; I can only imagine how he is doing right now at work without me. And so it begins…

I have missed the faces of my family, my friends, my co workers{sigh}. We are all bound by the rules of the Governor of Massachusetts to wear masks while in public spaces. Until further notice, while I am allowed to “see” my family, my friends, my co workers it has to be from a distance under the cover of a mask. This alone makes my soul heavy. My parents did their best to raise me to be kind, to be strong, to be open minded, to love with an open heart. I feel like all of those good qualities have been put through the ultimate test. I have chosen to let some friends quietly leave my circle. Why? their wheel house, too many wheels. I want what is best for them. I chose what makes my mental health better. I just don’t want to deal…Some times you can love someone for ALL the wrong reasons. You have to be strong and wise enough to set them free, to set yourself free.

I started writing this blog because I needed someone to talk to because the voices (my thoughts, not pyschosis) in my head were too loud, too negative, and were void of love. My anxiety and negative vibes so strong I couldn’t hear myself think. Writing what is on my mind helps My voice( the things that I really am, what I believe in) to be strong and loud. When my insecurities get too weird for me to manage writing helps me to filter out the menusha.

I have now been back to work for almost eight weeks. I don’t feel I am any safer or unsafer than before. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Remember when you went through life everyday NOT worried you were going to end up a pandemic statistic? Me either. I am tired of watching the talking heads come to no good solutions. People are making me afraid of my own shadow. Remember when reckless behavior was sleeping around? hanging out with sketchy friends? smoking things? drinking? Now it is all about spoiled people thinking their rights are being infringed upon. Misplaced, dangerous anger never once fixed ONE SINGLE ISSUE! I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Every thing in the world is screaming to a halt. If we promise we have learned a lesson and we will try to behave, can we be let out of timeout?