Where was Mr. Greenjeans when I needed him?

Hockey season is over for this year. I am free from all things hockey, well, at least until October when my life and interests will once again be pushed to the side. Come opening weekend I will yet again participate like the dutiful wife that my husband knows and likes me to be. This off season however, I have made a promise to myself this blog needs to be more joy filled. I am going to try to blog about the grand side of life.

Hubby and I went to Glens Falls NY on Sunday with the Worcester Railers Booster Club on a tour bus. The ride up was over three hours long. Our driver, Captain Kangaroo, had no idea how to operate the air conditioning on the bus. Not a good thing as it was nearly 70 degrees on the ride up and the vents on the bus were clearly throwing out hot air. Being in the throes of menopause (I know there were a few other ladies of my general age on the trip) this made the long ride uncomfortable to say the least.

Of course being the wise ass that I am, I started heckling from the cheap seats. My hubster shot me his angry face that was screaming at me (all be it silently) to behave but as I like to say “women who behave rarely make history” so I ignored him. I sent a text to the front of the bus where my friend and co conspirator of the Booster Club Table was sitting. I kindly asked her to slap the shit out of the bus driver and get us some cooler air for the back. Epic fail.

1.) because my friend has continuous seasonal laryngitis.

2.) It is against her sweet nature to slap anyone no matter how much they might need it.

3.) It was a waste of resources.

Turns out our driver was not a regular for this company but a per diem guy. He didn’t even know how to turn on the free Wi-Fi. I mean WTF!

Eventually we stopped at one of those convenient but not cheap rest stops along the highway. The best thing about these places is they have flush toilets. They should all be called Highway Robbery Stops and number them as they correspond to the direction in which you are traveling like 1 East, 2 East, 3 East. The amount of money these little satellite spots charge for simple things like a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza is directly related to how far away one is from an actual town. I refuse to pay $5 for a coffee that costs $2.50 anywhere else just because I am trapped on a highway. I was happy to be off the HOT bus so I used the time to stretch my legs, use the flush toilets and crack jokes with my friends. In fifteen minutes we were all back onto the EZ Bake Oven and on our way to our destination.

I have never been so thankful to get somewhere.

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I think I am getting too old for this type of shenanigans. Parts of me that I didn’t know I still use, hurt. My hair hurt the next day, my arms, my back, my ass. Too much time spent in a cramped space being slowly roasted by a bus heater. No Bueno. I want to thank my travel companions for the food, the drinks, the laughs, and the memories. I really did have a wonderful time. Until next season ; )

Butterfly

Will I ever let go of the things in my life that are toxic? I eat too much in a continued never ending sad attempt to dilute my anger? my fear? my inadequacies? I have spent a good deal of my life trying to make everyone else in my life happy by putting my wants, needs, and dreams on a back burner. I am now way passed my forties. I am actively enmeshed in my glorious (not) fifties. I do not like the way my body betrays me. I have allowed the fearful part of myself to control my life. My physician asked me to come back for a follow up after my physical in October because she was worried about my state of being (mental health check). I feel like I am standing on the edge of a beautiful mountain side but I am on the wrong side of this vision. There is nothing beautiful left on this side. Everything lies in ruins, overmined and stripped of all of its natural beauty.

I grew up feeling like a misfit, not really part of anything. I was withdrawn in school. I did well academically but never had the ambition to find my dream or a mentor to help me find a direction or career path. I had zero friends. My level of self loathing off the charts but somehow I managed to hang on. I adult with no direction. You can’t tell me you are surprised. Can you? I still have no life plan. I never thought for one second in the time of my youth that I would live longer than the age of thirty; yet here I am in my current lovely state of disrepair. I have spent most of my life chasing a version of myself I am not sure exists anywhere but in the corner of my mind.

Where to start? I can not continue to get up day after day feeling like what I do and who I am is not important. I want to recapture my joie de vie.  Did I ever have a joy for my life? I am sure I did. I am struggling with the getting older part. “You know your skin is saggy in places. You are getting AGE spots. Did you know you drool in your sleep?” Youthful Trish mocks me. I do not want my picture taken ever again but I will pose when asked. I am forever telling people to stop underestimating what they mean to others but I have no idea what I mean to people in my life. You could be someone’s hero even when you feel like a big fat nothing, I am trying to break free of my sadness. A sadness that does not seem to have a true origin. Is this what menopause is? A long journey into sad? I want to throw tantrums, but I am a grown woman and quite frankly who wants to see an overweight, older, adorable female throw herself on the floor of a local Trader Joe’s? I mean, what a way to go viral on social media! Thank the gods I have more restraint than that, well, at least I think I do.

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The Way It Is

It had been a good shower. The water just the right amount of heat. As I sat in my office combing my hair I could hear him fumbling around. “Hmmm, it’s only 5:37 am he shouldn’t be awake yet.” I said to myself, not seeing the cat in her Circle of Doom. I know why I could hear him. Asshole, the Ninja Cat had bounced into our bedroom eager for her early morning rubs,and brush routine. She is getting old and I think a little senile so … she does what she does. She is living her best life. I only wish we could say the same.

It is frustrating getting older, not just for me but my hubby as well. He often tells me to relax, that we will work everything out but he only says that in an attempt to calm me down, so I will feel safe. Hubby works a job stripping cartons off of trailers, sorting cartons by purchase orders onto pallets and then wheeling pallets down along a dock. Sounds simple enough, but it is heavy work and the constant walking back and forth is causing him hip issues because of the physical repetitive nature of his job. I want him to be free of the pain I know he is in. I want him to be able to work a job that he can excel in, one where he is appreciated and respected but we are “blue collar” which tends to limit possibilities for advancement or new job opportunities. Add to that we are both over the age of 50 so jobs are harder for us to secure.

We have been together for over 25 years and married for 23. A huge accomplishment for me on so many levels. I struggle with myself over so many issues: childhood bullsh*t I have a hard time letting go of and all the baggage I let that trauma create and yet I am the love of his life. Some days I want to run away, to go somewhere, to break free of life and all of its responsibilities. I become filled with a rage I find difficult to shake off and sometimes I don’t want to be married or tied to anyone in anyway, shape, or form. His love keeps me tethered. He can be frustrating. He doesn’t like change. He can be very single minded about a subject. He often has expectations I feel I can not meet. I allow him to get under my skin, my frustration levels rise, sometime we bicker. I want more for him but it is not in my power to grant it.

Sometimes by Friday he is worn out with nothing more to give. I called him out of work today. Somedays I cave and stay home with him. My anger over the situation spilling out of my mouth into words designed to hurt him. I lie to myself and promise that next time I will be more understanding, that I will be more supportive, that I will hold my tongue, that I will just go to work myself and find a way to keep up with the never ending supply of bills that NEED to be paid. Today I caved. Today I kept my promise, no words spilled. Today I am being supportive. I love this man. Somehow we will figure it all out. Today I chose peace over turmoil. The greatest gift we give each other is love. A job, is what you do, not WHO you are.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are MEANT To Be

Extraordinary

52592516_10155845309072676_6878891334342541312_oWe walk right by it everyday. Extraordinary beauty in ordinary things. I hung out this weekend with my BFF. Sometimes I forget about the beauty, in the kind of person she is. The little thoughtful things she does for people because she cares. I would be lost without her. She takes NONE of my bullshit. She lets me be silly. She lets me sing no matter where we are. She listens to me when I feel like no one hears me.  Do you have anyone in your life who take you for all that you are? No? I feel sad for you. She is a perfect bloom. A rose in a bunch of flowers that catches your eye. Sunshine when there is only rain. She gives so much of herself to others. I am truly blessed to be able to call her my friend.

I am not sure she knows how much of an impact she makes on the people in her life. She is an amazing friend. I don’t tell her enough just how much she has added to my life. Our friendship flows as easily as if we have known each other a lifetime. We started out as strangers, who became friends, who became family. Friends are the family we get to choose. Choose wisely it will enrich your lives in ways you never expected.

You just call out my name and I will be at your side, I promise.

 

Unwritten

I remembered the first time I actually listened to the words of this song. It really is the truth about life. Nothing in your life is etched in stone. No one knows what time or life will bring you, or how you will change, or when or why precious loved ones pass on. The one thing that is certain, today is unwritten. I can make my today anything I want.

Today I decided to use my first paid sick day of the new year. I like so many people in New England right now have been fighting off some nasty virus (not the flu) that takes hold of your soul and threatens not to let go for three weeks or more. My Christmas holidays were not any fun for me. I was just too sick. I long for my feeling of wellness to return. I am tired of feeling BEYOND tired. Truth is I called out from work today because I was up most of the night coughing. Looks like another call to my doctor for more “miracle elixir” antibiotics.

I work for an off priced retailer, in one of their many distribution centers that can be found across the United States and Canada. I am a data analyst. I know so exciting; but, please try to contain your enthusiasm. I need to be top form to do my job well. I check and correct reports for more than 300 people on a daily basis. If I am “off my game” I am more likely to make errors. I am supposed to be fix problems not create them.

I started working for this company in 1984 when I was young, beautiful, and full of dreams for myself. I often tell college interns and new associates “When I started here I was young and beautiful, now I am just beautiful.” usually after they ask me about myself and my illustrious career. I am just trying to ease the situational anxiety for them by injecting a little humor. I try to be an informed person. I am often approached about scenarios that are not work related because I have the reputation of being quite knowledgeable. I feel that I do my job well, but I can’t help wonder if I am capable of doing something else, in an entirely different company, doing something I have never done before.

Over time I lost faith in my dreams. I forgot that life is unwritten. I lost hope of ever being who I wanted to be. Am I too old to become a counselor? a nurse? an author? a singer? a ??? Dreams change with time. I can remember living in my small home town yearning for the day I was old enough to get my license. My license, for me, was the door that opened to the world of endless possibilities. I could go anywhere, be anybody I wanted. I was angry at the world for not having the good fortune that I perceived beautiful people had: nice family, nice house, bright future. It took many years of living for me too realize that what you see is not always the truth. People can have everything and nothing at the same time.

I often say,” Life is what happens when you have other plans.” Story of my life. I am not unhappy. I married a good guy. I have worked for the same company for 34 years. I have made many lifetime connections but sometimes I want more…

Carpe Diem! I still have time. My life is not finished. I have many chapters left unwritten.  The best version of yourself could just be out of your reach for the moment. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE.  Be a good human. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You’ve Got This!

Roll the Dice

It looks like the last time I blogged it was mid-November. Tomorrow is the last day of 2018. I am not one to make resolutions, too much folly. If I really wanted to exact change I could do it anytime I needed to not just because a new year was unfolding. I cleaned house after my last post, unfollowing a few blogs that in my opinion had become to preachy or at least they seemed that way to me. When I started writing I wanted to blog about being a successful WW but I am way better at the snacks than I am at the eating healthier. I painted myself into a corner by not writing about everyday things. Things that I care about along with the ups and downs of trying to mend bad habits. Every time I do really well at eating for a better me I find a way to sabotage myself. I am sure some of my failure comes from the weird expectations I put on myself. Some of it comes from making myself believe that some foods are not “good enough”. Some of the sabotage comes from WWs and their never ending making their plan better. Odd thing nutrition is what it is. I mean an egg is an egg while a root beer float is well.. you get what I am trying to say, I hope.

What has happened to my common sense? I remember once thumbing through a self help book called Eat This,selfhelp Not That. I thought it was an interesting concept but the problem with self help is that most people are only interested for short spurts. Jobs, spouses, life in general gets in the way and habits once formed are very tough to break. Self help books work like a Band-Aid, not a real fix just a temporary solution for a bigger problem.

I have been sick for most of December with a nasty virus coupled with an upper respiratory infection. I am just today feeling like myself. I managed to keep breakfast down this morning. I haven’t coughed or sneezed or peed on myself all day. Yes. I said peed. Fevers can be nasty things that wreak havoc. I am cautiously hopeful that the worst of my ordeal is over. I am not a very good patient. I hate the taste of medicine. My feeling out of sorts has made me prone to crying, another thing I loathe. Crying makes me feel weak and helpless.
I hated all the down time being sick gave me but I should be thankful for it because it made me slow my roll. I want to get back to things I enjoy. The goofy things that make me uniquely who I am. I am going to try to relax, stop, and smell the roses. Sing more because it makes me happy. Go back to complimenting a stranger, share a smile, and a moment. It is time for me to Step out of the damned box I have put myself into!

I need to practice being kinder to myself. I can’t do everything, nor do I want to. I want to be at peace. I need to learn to say NO and stick to it! I must take time alone to recharge my batteries. I will do things I enjoy even if it means doing those things alone. I need some distance from a few people I find I no longer enjoy. When did every one become so angry? You want to see more kindness in the world? THEN BE KIND! be the change you so desperately crave!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!!

Best Regards,
Trish

Shakespeare on a Sunday

Most stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. I see no relevance in discussing my beginnings. Right now I seem to be stuck in the middle so let’s start this story here. I am up to my full figured waist in IT right now. I need to get my head out of my arse. Why is it so difficult to stop doing something that brings nothing good to your life?  I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to convince myself to do it.

Sometimes the only way to get to the other shore is to jump into the water and swim towards the opposing shore. No complaints, no carefully made plans just thrusting full throttle for something other than what is currently not working for you. To quote Shakespeare, from Hamlet ,”This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” … and yet somehow every day I make compromises and I am not true to myself.

As many of you know I married a man whose passion is anything hockey. Every fall I find myself at odds about the start of the season, the loss of free time, the crappy weather, the angst that comes with game day prep (and he isn’t even on the team!) and the sense of loss I feel over not feeling the adrenal rush that every other hockey groupie gets. I have made many friends because of this sport. I cherish them all.  BUT…I miss my freedom. What can not be changed must be embraced. I am writing this missive not because I am looking for sympathy but for clarity in myself. It is time to stop complaining about something that at least for the moment is unlikely to change. I am uncertain how to move forward but I need to.

I have often wondered why every time I go on a eating better for better health kick I can’t make it a lifestyle. Why does doing well become my new obsession? Why do I lack the ability to stop all the thoughts that crowd my mind about being hungry? about wanting? about feeling deprived? about feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t born with a magical metabolism that keeps me thin? I have no energy for these bullshit thoughts anymore. I just want to feel healthy. I want to climb a flight of stairs and not feel like I am going to die from lack of oxygen. I want to bend over and tie my shoes. I want to stop feeling tight in my own skin. I want to stop obsessing. I want to feel vibrant. I want to wear and buy clothes without Spandex being my only option. With all of the ever changing methods of WWs(not that I am blaming them) and my own personal demons I am left feeling like I am trying to climb Mount Everest over a piece of toast. That is just wrong. EAT THE TOAST. I know what to do. It’s time to do it.

I am going to mix things up with my blog, spend less time commiserating about my struggles. Write about the joy of life. I know it’s out there.

JOY
Joy

Asshole, the Ninja Cat

No, that’s not really her name but whenever she bites me and I am not expecting it, I admit, I usually call her Asshole. I love this cat. I hate this cat. I will be devastated when her time comes and she leaves for Rainbow Bridge someday. For the very first time yesterday, I gave her oral medication before a visit to the vet. My little cat friend is closing in on being an ancient beast of fifteen. She needed some dental attention and is too old to put under anesthesia. I stood in the exam room out of the way as the Vet scraped the plaque off my cat’s teeth. As my cat was under the influence of some pretty good tranquilizers she didn’t struggle much and I am told felt no pain. Well, I felt pained. There was blood. I didn’t expect to see blood. She has a loose tooth she will undoubtedly lose while eating. She has a cavity in another tooth and will have to return to the vet in a month to check for infection and to see what we will do to fix this situation, if it can be fixed. Pepper is a ninja. In all the years I have owned her she has never once let me clip her nails or brush her teeth. She has amazing reflexes. I am the one who ends up with damages, scratches, and bite marks. Any time I have attempted to do things she does not want she draws blood, mine.

I was a lost soul after my kid sister died. I hate the term passed away. She didn’t pass anything. She was involved in a car accident that claimed her life, like some Netherworld badass took her life in token, almost as if it held a winning lottery ticket from the other side of the veil. It has taken me a long time to sort of come to terms with my loss. Some days I am still painfully angry but Pepper, my cat, helps me find a space of peace and love.

She makes me get out of bed in the morning. She butts her head into my legs when she is in need of love and smoochies. She bites my feet through the blankets when I toss and turn too much and disrupt her sleep. She is the one who sits on my chest and gazes into my face until my unconscious self becomes aware. She is velvet soft. She purrs instantly if I rub her head or brush out her mane. She prefers human hairbrushes to cat combs. I have to keep mine away from her reach or she will claim it as her own.

My ninja cat is an oddity. She was weened too young (not my fault) her tummy cannot tolerate wet food. She likes to lick the salt off potato chips and will steal pretzels from you if you are not careful. She adores raisins. I know they are poisonous to cats. If I accidentally drop a raisin it becomes a race to see if I will be able to pick it up before she sweeps in with her ninja reflexes and consumes it. I don’t eat raisins in the house often…she is that fast. She adores fresh carrots, balsamic vinaigrette, and grilled chicken.  She loves the smell of my mint dental floss, so much so that I have to conceal it in the trash bin to keep her from taking it after I have discarded it or she will steal it to chew on as if it were her own. I can not wear any lip balm to bed containing peppermint oil. She will wait until I fall asleep and have a tasting binge of my face.

Her little soul has become part of my being. Talking to the vet yesterday I felt myself getting teary eyed. I see more clearly now that she is aging. Sometimes I have to pick her up to put her on the bed. She has slowed down some. After a long nap she favors one leg a little more than the others so she limps. Her hearing is not as acute as it once was. I can sneak up on her if she is in a deep sleep. She seeks me out more often for cuddles and wants to snuggle under blankets even when it is not cold. Love for a pet is a real thing. I love her more than I realized.

 

 

 

The Pain of Being Me

Some times I am not honest enough with myself; other times I am so honest I hurt my own feelings. I mean WTF? Imagine if I just let myself live in peace?!?!? Once again I find myself in a space I created, and an unsafe one at that. I am sure you have all heard the phrase ‘to paint oneself into a corner’.
beetlebailey Well, I am really good at doing that. Lately I have been getting to the end of my work day feeling exhausted, drained, and spent. I took a hiatus from trying to be healthy right around this time last year and well, just as you might think, I am fluffy. I am getting way to old to keep fighting with myself. The fight is over. No winner, just a draw. No rematch planned. I just can’t do this bugsbunny gif  to myself anymore.

I own all that is me. The things I have built into the legend that is me and the things that are just my sad truths. No more hiding, no more trying to conform. People will either  like me or not, their choice, not mine. Choose wisely. What is next for me? I really don’t know. I will continue to share things to my blog. I will continue to be a hot mess but from now on I am going to try my hardest to be less of a hot mess. I am picking up the pieces of my puzzle. I will keep trying to arrange them into some version of myself I can live comfortably with. I need to worry about my health before I find myself chasing after what I once took for granted.

I am watching old TV specials of Barbra Streisand as I free write (putting down what ever pops into my grey matter) this blog post. Somehow in the course of living I forgot how much I really love her voice. Perhaps there is still time in my life to SING because it makes me happy. Do you think that some people are just born with the talent to sing? I mean really sing without any voice lessons? Streisand helped me survive my teenage years. I would come home from school feeling friendless, angry, and ugly. I would turn up the volume on my mother’s Emerson stereo and sing every album I owned of hers. I would sing away all the hurt, disappointment, and uncertainty of school day. Her music would take me to a place of hope. Every note, every change in key, every breath carefully taken between key notes in the music or phrasing. My brain knows and can still reproduce every song even after all these years.  I still don’t need a pitch pipe.pitch pipe

 

A Fit About FIT

I guess my question to those who make dress clothes for “overweight nation’ is, why do you insist on multiple closures on a pair of pants that are countersunk or gathered? Isn’t it humiliating enough that often my clothes are of garish prints and horrible materials?

I am overweight. I am not void of style. You, dear clothing manufacturer just make it more difficult to express. I have struggled with finding the who that I am. I clearly, solidly identify as female but your clothing forces me to shop in mens clothing sometimes and I feel generic. While I am on the subject, what is it with all the size increments? I might be a 17 Junior or an 18 or a 18 Misses but more likely I could be an 18 Womans? and you wonder why females have body image issues!img_20181020_131256399-1932535022.jpg

Recently I have come to the decision that I miss being happy, truly happy. I am in my life everyday and yet there are things I keep missing like the joy of a sunny day, laughs with a good friend, taking a walk on a calm day, being okay with the person that I am at this moment. I just want peace in my life.

I have always been more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of a girl. Poet blouses and soft sweaters. I would love a new pair of cowgirl boots = ). I am going to go back to the version of myself I feel most comfortable with. I like who I am! I just didn’t believe in me. I let the pressures of trying to be someone and something I am not guide my choices.

It is never too late to chose happiness. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

I would like to say thank you to all of the women in my life that accept me just as I am. I think that you are all amazing, beautiful, supportive, kind, generous…some times in life one can be surrounded by great people and not realize it. The true blessing is being smart enough to recognize your good fortune.

 

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