Semi Colon ;

Please let me say this now, in no way do I mean to hurt anyone’s feelings or make light of your own personal struggles or mental health issues. This is my story. I just feel that if things don’t get said no one hears the dialog and things just stay the same.

I grew up with a parent who was disabled by her mental illness. I was teased by peers because my Mom was weird. Kids were often mean and let’s be honest didn’t understand and didn’t want to understand. I struggle with my own sense of worth because of how I was raised. It is a daily struggle for me to believe that people like me and in spite of myself it is true. The World right now is in an uproar about suicide and mental health but I am not sure the World really knows how fucking hard it is to let someone into your suffering. Everybody has the answer the day after. No one likes to be held at arms length to be judged. Some times that is the reoccurring theme of a person living with depression, judgement. Do you know how many times I have heard in my lifetime that my mother was faking her mental illness just for the attention.  The words of disbelief from people because they were under the false assumption that my mother had her shit together but was putting on a show.

If I concentrate and close my eyes I can still see my mother’s tear stained face. I can feel her anguish. I am unable to help. She doesn’t want to be sad but she doesn’t know how not to be. It is not about the things you have in your life. It is that you are in your life. You are convinced that everything would just be better if you went away. The number of times my mother threatened to abandon me by dying…has left me with scars that never quite heal. My pain is just below a brave façade I put out there for the people in my life. The face I want the world to see, not the person I really am. Every time I learn of another death caused by suicide I can’t help but wonder how long that soul fought with themselves, years? weeks? months? too afraid to ask for help? or too caught up in their own demon flow that they just felt they were not worth saving? Or???? Questions I cannot answer, haunt me. I am returned to my childhood; I struggle to regain {my sense of who I am}the ground I have fought so hard for all of my life. My nights are filled with terror and nightmares.

Everybody has the answer the day after. I stopped blogging for a few weeks because I needed to figure out where I was going. I had started to give away things I own. I have been obsessing about down sizing because I am getting older but I have been ANGRY, agitated, and feeling like I just wanted my ride to be over. I guess I didn’t realize how easy it was for me to slip into the abyss. How many times in my life did I stand frozen with fear watching my mother in the depths of her illness, in pain and anger and self loathing, struggling to find a reason to stay? I knew from an early age she had to find her own reasons to live, that we weren’t her reasons. I think sometimes that is why I feel like I am not enough. Children should never be responsible for an adults happiness and well-being.

Never under estimate the power of a smile or a kind word or a firm well meaning question. Someone in your life is out there trying to find a way to keep you in this life. Believe it. You are loved so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are strong in a way that makes your inner beauty shine. You are kind. You are wanted. You are everything to someone. You are ENOUGH. I love you. Everyone struggles. Everyone cries. You are not alone.

I have been having a difficult time finishing this piece. Menopause is no joke. I hate the person I am right now. Overly emotional, tired, and hateful. I am not this. I am better than this. Trying to come up with answers I could swallow, I made myself sick. I have been having a hard time trying to figure out where I am going. I took some time off from blogging to relax, breathe and reconnect with who I am and what I want for myself. Love is the greatest gift we can give. I LOVE YOU.

For more information about Project Semicolon please visit: https://projectsemicolon.com/

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE

 

 

Head Space

In the interest of better living I have decided to stop torturing myself with the world of WWs. I want other things in my head space, positive things. I find the longer I try to conform to the plan the more lost and depressed I become. This in no way means that I am quitting. Sometime in my future I may once again embrace the culture of WWs, I just need to find who I used to be. This has been quite the relationship but when something that has been good for you becomes something else, you have to be wise enough to take a step back and figure out if where you are headed is where you want to go.
I need to put my WWS experience away for safe keeping. I need to travel a different path for awhile. I am sorry WWs but from now on you’re only someone that I used to love.

The time has come in my journey for me to find where I let myself out on the side of the road. I learned food basics along time ago. In my quest toward ” solve for X” I put aside my truths in exchange for a dream that I built on wet cocktail napkins and cheap party tricks. Somewhere I convinced myself that if I could just fix my fat self  I would have more in my life. There’s in nothing wrong with what is in my life. I bought my own lie. I guess it’s true what they say (who ever “they” may be) that with age come wisdom. It is time I believe in my own power again, find what makes me happy…and today for the first time in more than six months I did.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself. I wander around lost in my head unable to tie my laces and finish the race. I find if I listen to my heart I usually find my way back.  Oh! Look! I am right where I left me = )  Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE!

Unwritten

All of my tries are outside the lines…The time has once again come for me to tweak my story. I get so caught up in “fixing” myself that I get lost. I am tired, almost out of good groceries to snack on AND if I am being completely honest with you, I want to be found. In spite of myself and all of the incorrect beliefs that I have lived most of my life by, I have all of the things I yearned for in my youth. I am loved. I am happily married to a great guy. I have friends that I care deeply for and likewise. I am gainfully employed. I live in a nice neighborhood in a house that is neither too large nor too small. I am a middle-aged woman. I am in the throes of Menopause. I am beautiful in a way that is more important than physical attractiveness. I am ENOUGH! I am tired of trying to live up to expectations I set for myself back in the days of my wild youth in the middle of teenage angst and acne. Those foolish expectations have proven to be unattainable time and time again. SO!?!

Why do I continue to make myself miserable? This weekend I looked through photos of my life. In most of these photos I am, well, I am as I am now semi-round. There is a discernible twinkle in my eye. Here lies the real me the one the naked eye cannot behold. In these pictures I see the loves of my life: my Mom, my Dad, my sisters, the rest of the members of my family who have passed on or moved too far away for me to keep in touch with, except through the modern miracle of social media. It is in the memories of these moments captured in technicolor that bring a smile to my soul not my dress size. I was loved anyway.

I am no longer interested in the pursuit of {insert impossible dream here} a foolish ideal that will make my life magically fall into place. I am not sure what will be in the next chapter of my life but I look forward to new pages everyday. Tomorrow is still unwritten .
Here’s to the next story of my life.

 

On My Way to You

I wasn’t overweight until I hit my teenage years. I was always taller and bigger than my two sisters. I am just under 5’8″. My sisters topped out at around 5’3. Of course I should weigh a little more I AM taller but when you are young and impressionable adults sometime say and do mean things. Growing up between two thin sisters was not an easy job. During my teen age years I felt at a disadvantage when it came to the opposite sex, partly because I could not compete with my own sisters ravishingly beautiful facades. Boys would some times ask me out on a date just so they could get near one of my sisters. Sad, but true and also confusing for a girl who was not quite sure of herself who walked around with dented self-esteem.

I did not date much during high school. I never thought I would be blessed enough to find a life partner, but HE changed all of that. I spent many years floundering through life trying to find my way. I helped my older sister care for her two small sons. I watched over my wild child kid sister. I spent a lot of time wanting to be wanted. Everyone in my life needed me but no one outside of my life wanted me. I felt like the ugly duckling from that childhood storybook.

ugly duckling

In time I sort of just gave up. I stopped waiting for “Mr. Right” and I started to live my life at least hoping that someday “Mr. You’re Better Than Being Alone” would be around for some harmless shits and giggles, no commitment, no real love, no expectations. HE spoiled everything. I had had my eye on him for some time. I liked the way he looked me in the eye when I talked to him. He read a book everyday during lunch. He was tall. He was quiet. He had the most amazing blue eyes…and I thought I ‘d never have a chance; but, he was flirting with me in the lunch line, he was going out of his way to get in my way, he was laughing at my poor attempts at humor.

I told my kid sister that I thought he might like me. I had no idea how to ask him out. I was suddenly nervous and shy. He asked me out to an arena football game (August 20, 1994). We have been together ever since. He sees me. He loves me. He wants me. He needs me. He is my Mr. Right. Because of him I have learned to KNOW commitment, to know real love, to know acceptance. I love you Big D. wpid-big-d-me-7-7-12.jpg.jpeg

What About Today?

I mean what about it? I am in any given day but rarely is about today. This day, the NOW. I am giving up on the things that just don’t make me happy. I am in the Autumn of my life. You know that crazy dozen or so years where we the older generation folks go through all of our worldly possessions and think, “Why the f*ck did I waste money on that? We relegate our life’s belongings into neat piles: donate, keep, BURN. I am saying good bye to my dreams for Tomorrow Land. A land that exists only in dreams where everything is shiny and perfect and? I am sure whatever you need it to be. The only day anyone ever has is today. Why have I been putting my whole life on hold waiting for a better tomorrow? I am never going to be… (the list is really super long so let’s just say that I am who I am )… and that’s okay. I am setting the balloon of expectations free to go haunt someone else with unrealistic goals ( good luck honey whoever you are ). It turns out those dreams were set in the false belief that I would never know profound love if I was not perfect. WRONG!

I am not going to keep being my own biggest disappointment. I am fluffy. I have been in various stages of fluffiness my entire life. I have spent endless vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, regular life days, banking holidays, you name it, raging over my inability to slim down so I might be lucky enough to be considered desirable as a person. Somehow being “perfect” might make it easier for people to love me or like me or want to be my friend or? What a waste of a perfectly good lifetime. Guess what? I am beautiful. My soul filled with love, kindness, understanding, compassion. I just struggle with believing it for some reason. Somewhere in my childhood someone must have made me feel like I deserved less. I decided this morning that I don’t care anymore. I am embracing my truth. I am Trish! Hear me, see me, enjoy me, be part of my life, don’t be part of my life but from now on I am LIVING for today.

Fight Club?

Today was the typical Friday DAY at work. You know what I mean only ten hours of things to get accomplished in a standard eight hour shift. Top it off with complaints you have no jurisdiction over and BINGO you have the perfect formula for a stress platter served up hot and waiting for a confrontation, except I was in a super silly ass mood.

I said, to a coworker, “Do you ever wish we could have a secret fight club in the basement? You know to let off some steam? We could be legit like the movie, all what happens at fight club stays at fight club?” she laughed at me and without missing a beat, replied, “Isn’t that a commercial for Las Vegas?” Sometimes life and work can be stressful and busy, so much so that the two separate but equal divisions of your life can make a person start to feel overwhelmed by the pressure to get it all done.

Don’t forget to breathe. You aren’t Wonder Woman after all. Not that we aren’t wonderful in our own way. Have I told you lately that I really like it when you smile?  When was the last time you did something just for yourself? You know what I mean. Read a book? Called/texted a friend you haven’t heard from in a while? Gone to lunch, alone? or with a group of your most favorite kindred spirits? Well? DO IT. Do something even if it is a few minutes locked in the bathroom listening to your favorite song on repeat on your device of choice. I still have an old MP3 player I walk around with, headphones on, volume up, world drowned in a sea of Madonna’s greatest hits.

My default response to conflict is to fight (faulty wiring maybe?) but I try never to let it gain the upper hand. Violence even at fight club never fixes anything. Tomorrow is another day to try and tackle the To Do List. fight club

Loss, grief, and LOVE

I have been here before. Surrounded by people I love but lost in the vastness of my own despair. People are talking to me but their voices carry over my head like the sounds you hear while submerged in a hot bath tub trying to soak away the worries of the world. Muted tones, blurred words. My pain raises in my throat like a lump of hot coal. My throat burns as I try to swallow. I suppress the urge to cry out. I choke on my own grief. Tears spill out, roll down my cheeks and expose me. This is my reaction to someone else’s loss. Why? The question I ask myself every time someone I love loses someone they love.

Grief is a strange thing. Emotions crash over me like waves on a sun soaked beach. People in the business of Psychology will tell you grief has stages. I always thought that was horseshit and feathers until I joined the club. This club has many members and no one is here willingly. If given a choice most people want more time with their loved one; to live another day, to love with every ounce of their being, to laugh until they can’t, to hold onto the magic of them, to make one last memory, to acknowledge their stronghold on your heart.

Seldom does anyone get those chances. Love the people in your life while they are with you. Get angry, fight, be involved, just don’t forget to STOP and LOVE and LAUGH and EMBRACE. Make a memory. Have you ever seen the movie Artificial Intelligence ? I can not watch this movie without crying. It portrays happiness in it’s purest form and grief so raw it burns. This movie pulls at all the important emotions that make life worth living.

I’ve spent many years unable to accept kind words or deeds done in memory of my loved ones because my soul was too broken and numb. I was unable to hear anything above my own anguish. Perhaps that is why I cry when I am faced with a loss that is not mine.  I still struggle to maintain a peace within myself over the loss of my family. I often wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Never under estimate what you mean to someone else.
the-most-beautiful

The Trip

Today is a pretty big day for my hockey family. A new hockey team debuted in Worcester, MA this past October. With hard work and determination and some luck thrown in there for good measure this new team has made it to their first showing in the ECHL’s run for the Kelly Cup. For the hockey unknowing in the BIGS, the Bruins are trying to win the Stanley Cup . It is a big thing, trust me.

My hockey family is gathering onto a bus this afternoon to make a 180 mile trip to Glens Falls, NY to cheer on our team.  I like hockey. My hubby and our friends at hockey LIVE HOCKEY. I enjoy going on the trips. The people who run the Booster Club for our team do an amazing job of planning, organizing, and keeping a bus full of people engaged and entertained. THREE hours on a bus is a lifetime! “are we there yet?, are we there yet?”

The town of Glens Falls is near the Hudson River and just shy (15 miles south) of Lake George’s beautiful, picturesque settings. Well worth the drive in Spring or Summer for an adventure. Today my adventure will be in the midst of a bus load of people filled with hockey fever. I better bring a book. Go Railers!

Friday, Fried Day, Fry DAY!!!!

I made it! Le Weekend! Friday = )  What a week. Meetings, meetings, meetings, I am FRIED! Spent, wicked (yes, I am from the Boston area of New England) wicked [we say wicked a lot ;)] tired. Too tired to do much of anything; but, I have musings to posts and love to share so here I am thinking about how much life changes in a blink of an eye. Often I have yearned to be part of something amazing, larger than myself, something wonderful that sowed love, acceptance, kindness. I believed that wanting this was an unattainable fantasy, an improbable impossibility, a non happening happening. Once again I have been surprised by the people in my life. I am awed time and again by their ability to love unconditionally, to build someone up where others might have torn you down.

mypeople

This post is for my friends. Life is a weird, wonderful, sometimes sad, overwhelmingly happy roller coaster of people, places, and events. I am blessed to have all of you in my life for as long as you are able and willing to stay. When one of you is in distress it puts me into distress. I want all of my people to be in a constant state of nirvana where there is no negative Karma; but, life isn’t like that.

With your help I have learned to love. I have learned to believe. I am enough. I am loved. I am someone’s best friend. I am listened to. I am everything I need to be. Loss has a odd way of making you focus on what is important yet somehow has been put aside. If a word is never uttered it can’t be heard. Never under estimate what you MEAN to someone. I am never quite sure what it is that I bring to the people in my life but I hope it might be just what you need in the moment with a side of friendship that is accepting, warm, and full of surprises ; )
Love is a gift that only gets better when it is shared. Thank you for being a part of my world.

 


Love, Trish

Where Am I Going?

O-M-G will Spring ever get here? I swear if the sky spits one more snowflake at me I-AM-GOING-TO-CRACK. I am now at that part of my circular journey where I am at the beginning again. Bursting at the seams on all of my favorite clothes, swearing that this time it will be different because of course I am different {really?} The thing about lying face up in a gutter on a busy street is it gives a person a weird perspective. Everyone is so much taller. All joking aside, I have hit rock bottom. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been careening down this slope at break neck speed not trying to gain any type of control on my descent. Wanting to change and affecting change are two very different roads.

I have been unwilling to put forth any real hard work. I let my determination fizzle away like a dropped ice cream melting on a sidewalk on a hot day. Why? Why don’t I care enough about myself to want to be the better version of me for any length of time, why?

Because being a SLOTH takes very little effort.

sloth

Today is another chance to change. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. All of my emotions right below the surface, close to the cuff just in case I NEED them right away. I allow myself to become overwhelmed with possibilities before any situation truly presents itself. Definition of a perfectionist? All or nothing. My life journey is not perfect neither is anyone’s for that matter. Why do I always approach everything as if I can’t have any mistakes or my efforts are for nothing? Flawed belief system. Gives me the excellent excuse to simply stop trying, except I am also insanely stubborn. There will be no waving a white flag, no surrender, no. Not while I still have a fighting chance of being a better me.

Here’s to my thirty-ninth second chance! (raising my cup of coffee high) I’ve run this course before let’s see if this time I don’t crash and burn. I know it will take sometime before I start to feel better. There is a long road ahead of me but I am always up for a grand adventure. I will have to learn to listen to my body again. I need to get back to eating on a schedule to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. I am diabetic and lately I am having episode of the shakes, which are dangerous peaks and valleys in my blood sugar levels caused by eating JUNK. giphy

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

UPDATE: I summoned all of my left over courage this morning and drove myself to a WWs meeting. The house was packed. I haven’t been to a meeting in a month. I am up just over 2 lbs. Excellent considering I had spent this whole time building it up to be a weight gain of MAMMOTH Proportions. My journey continues…