Category: Ponderances

For questions I can’t seem to find the answers to.

Mrs. C

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Sometimes on this journey we cry. I hate to feel like I am going to cry. Crying makes me feel vulnerable and weak and needy but sometimes on this journey we cry. On my last trip around WWs I had a coworker who went above and beyond what a casual friend does for somebody.The times we had, the fights, the tears, the laughter; ordinary at the time, precious to recall now.  It’s strange how coworkers can become like family to you. How friendship can make an unbearable job an easier ride through Hell.

I was afraid to join the local Y. I was down my first 75 pounds. I was eager to try out water aerobics but timid about actually joining a “group” activity. Mrs. C not only talked me down from my ledge of fear; she happily told me she would go with me as many nights of the week as she felt up to. I am around the same age as her children and if truth be told I felt like she was adopting me. I loved her for that. She always treated me like I belonged to her. I got scolded when I was rude, encouragement when I faltered and a shoulder to cry on when I just had to let out the emotions that come flying by when you are doing a great job as an active WW. ( yes, that is sarcasm) Through it all she believed in me.

Mrs.C passed away in July.  I am sad. I want giant gumdrops (one of her favorites), I want, I want…I want not to be sad but it is a part of life. I already miss her more than I will ever be able to convey here.  She was a great friend to me. I will carry all that she taught me until the end of my days. 

I wish I could ease the pain of your goodbye for the ones you loved. I can’t; the only way to the other side of grief is to go through it. You are loved. You are missed. I wish you peace.  Until we meet again, my friend. 

My Head Aches

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We are not alone on this path of life. Everyday we get up, we get ready to face our day, we kiss our loved ones on the way out the door, we enter the mayhem of another day. I am sitting here tonight trying to come up with a positive post for my fellow WWs who are kind enough to follow my blog…but my head hurts. The nightly news has been horrific of late. I try not to get too wrapped up in the turmoil of the moment. For every story there is a back story. Usually it is the story the media doesn’t give much air time too. It may not be as strongly argued over or it just doesn’t draw in the ratings, whatever the end result might be, that back story should get told.  It is too bad the media is not the place to find the answers or the truth that we richly deserve. I find if I spend too much time focusing my energy on the highlights of the media I give myself a headache. Just for the record…

To live is to learn
Truth
taking a different path

…if you want to see change in your world it is a good idea to start with YOURSELF. Love matters, kindness matters, caring matters. Be the change you need in your corner of the world. Learn to be the best example of yourself, be giving, be caring, listen. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you give it a chance.

Staycation

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Ahhh, my first vacation of the season and {{{SIGH}}} my first vacation of the season. I am a contradiction of terms. I am both excited and deeply depressed. Strange? not if you know me. I suck at relaxing. I have never been able to take a day off. You know what I mean;  sit around, watch bad TV, maybe take a shower, have a ton of unplans. An unplan is a happening with no set logical or pre-established guidelines. Think of it as going to a local store for something quick and different. You had no set plan so you just do the next best thing. A vacation filled with unplans makes my hubby happy. It drives me to distraction. I fight  with myself to be in my moment, to relax,  to do something I have been dying to do! I wait all year for this vacation. You would think I would plan my time off better, fill it with things I want to do, see, explore but I don’t. Mind you I talk a good game. There’s always  something whirring in the back recesses of my grey cells about the perfect adventure.

I like to take the first week of July off each summer because my birthday falls there. I want the luxury of not having to work on my birthday. It is the perfect time of year. The days are longer, hotter and filled with promise you just don’t get in winter. Every year I waste my week; I get plenty done (see the contradiction?). Housework , shopping, spring cleaning. I have all this free time on my hands and no idea how to use it.

)july birthdayI get to share my birthday with my Country. Every one I know loves the Fourth of JULY, the Nations’ Birthday. Hotels are packed, restaurants are packed, beaches are packed. Living on the East Coast in July brings bus loads of tourists to a neighborhood near you. Great, if you don’t mind spending your week off  waiting in long lines for things you hate to wait in line for, like the bathroom.

How easy it is to forget how wonderful something is when it becomes too familiar to you. I have lived on the East Coast my whole life. All the glitter is still there; it’s just harder for me to see. I find my joy in the majesty of the mountains which still takes my breath away. The sunrise over a quiet lake, awe inspiring. A walk in a town I have never been to before, exhilarating. I don’t do these things everyday, therefore; the glitter still sparkles, catching my eye, reminding me of how lucky I am.

My week is nearly over. I am well rested. I didn’t cry on my birthday. I enjoyed spending quiet time with my hubby. I still have time for an adventure. Our unplans worked wonderfully. I have decided I am okay. (I think !?!) I relaxed.  =  )

July

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In just a few short days it will be my birthday. I am only telling you this because, in truth; I hate my birthday. It is void of everything but high expectations. Every year as my birthday month approaches I grow more and more antsy. I want the grandiose sparkly birthday gathering with cake and presents and stuffs I just don’t need. What I get is usually way more sedate and boring. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry and every year I fail.

I know I am being foolish. I know it is a day on the calendar that is special only to me but I have always wanted it to be bigger than that. I suppose that is the little girl in me that never got to have a birthday party(everyone I knew was on summer holiday). I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t want to be a growed up. I am a Lost Girl. I never liked that Pan’s club was boys only. I mean really if it hadn’t been for Tink and Wendy what would have happened to those lost boys?

I guess I hate my birthday because it means I get older. Age is a perception thing. When you are young you wish to be older and when you are older you wish to be younger. An AGE old battle no one wins. I can’t stop time or change the past( which I despise) the only way is forward, which we call the present, that sometimes is difficult for me to find the gift in.

Here goes:

Dear Birthday,

This year I would like to pause and thank you for being part of my life. I forgive you for not being what I needed in the past. Birthdays remind me of how far I have come. They remind me of how much further I can go. With you I have grown into an adult that I am proud to call me. Because of you I have been given immeasurable amounts of love and guidance and support. My friends and family have always been there to rejoice in the anniversary of my coming into being. I am sorry for taking you for granted. Having said that though I must also admit I am not enjoying the grey hair you keep giving me, enough already. Let’s have some fun this year. What do you say we keep our expectations low? our spirits high and surround ourselves with relaxation? Also, a spa day would be nice but we can talk later, Okay?

Love,

Trish

Firefly

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firefly

As a child I would chase fireflies to catch and put into a jar.  I would sit on the porch in the cool of an evening summer night and be filled with the wonder and awe of nature. A firefly on its own doesn’t seem like much but put a few in a glass jar and a dark night is transformed. Sometimes I feel like a firefly; small and insignificant but I know I carry a powerful spark. I set my world on fire. When I believe in the power of me, I can turn that spark into sparkle. I can do this. I am worth this. I am trying to have the time of my life doing this.

I was tired of mistreating myself. I wanted more of myself than feeling sorry for the shape I put myself in. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to embrace my world. The time had come for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. You can’t un-fry an egg but you can make one hell of a breakfast sandwich  =  ) no more self pity.

I gave myself permission to say NO to things I feel are unhealthy or unhelpful. I try to be mindful about the choices in front of me.  I am learning it is okay to make mistakes. It is not okay to ignore mistakes. Ignoring a problem only makes it grow in SIZE. Figure out the whys,{ I find being honest with myself cuts the journey in half = ) } make an adjustment, walk away from it. Let it go! Forgive yourself and move forward. I am learning to embrace who I am not what I see in my mirror. My mirror is too judgmental. It doesn’t add up to the who that I envision in my mind. I have worked on who I want to be for a long time. I am beautiful, giving, thoughtful and kind. My self worth is based on how I treat myself and others. I want people who come across my path to leave feeling inspired. A small gesture on my part that leaves you with a warm feeling in your soul. I call that happiness!

I am a WW because I need help to keep myself on my path. It is okay to ask for help. For too many years I ran from myself. Not wanting to face my whys. Not wanting to face my truths. My truths will be different from yours and that is ok. It doesn’t matter which road you choose; we are all on the same journey. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Don’t let anyone take away your sparkle,not even you! I try never to dwell on that age old question; if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? beauty is like love; misused to cover a myriad of truths and emotions. What does appearance have to do with how much you are truly loved? or respected? or wanted?

A kind gesture towards someone will be remembered longer for the way it makes them feel, than how you looked when you bestowed it upon them.  What you do matters. Learn to be kind to yourself so you can be kind in return. Respect yourself and others will follow your example. You are amazing just the way you are; never forget that. Work on your foundation and your structure will only be stronger for it.

So be calm, be in your moments and Weight Watcher ON!!!

EHFAR

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My niece had a bumper sticker on her car that said : EHFAR, being unhip to the lingo which happens generationally, I asked innocently enough what is EHFAR?  careful to use correct pronunciation. She looked at me like I had head lice and said, “what?” so I pointed to her car, her face lighting up, “Oh, that means EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.” she replied, throwing a giggle my way. I remember thinking to myself “that is the stupidest thing I think I have ever heard, but whatever;  everyone needs guideposts to live by.” I only let EHFAR linger in my thoughts for a brief moment before discarding it to the Pile of Malarkey I keep around in the back of my grey cells in case I need info on trivia night. Recently I have been revisiting this idea.

Things happen around me that I have a hard time making sense of. Everyday events some small and insignificant,some life changing. EHFAR makes me angry. I want to shake my fist at the sky and yell and stomp about. I am not one to easily accept the notion that shit happens for a reason. It is a meaningless,all encompassing idea some tree hugger came up with to explain away a trivial pain of a friend.  But? what if they are right?  Have I gotten so busy living life that I have missed signals? What if EHFAR is like a stop sign at a busy intersection? warning you to pay attention? but being wrapped up in a thought bubble you miss it and blow through the sign? what then?

Knowing the reason why something happens does not necessarily give you peace. Sometimes it just makes a mystery more complex. It often fills me with more questions than answers. Everything does happen for a reason. I am just uncertain to know what the reason is.

The Hands Of Time

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Time speeds by. It’s true nature is to keeping on ticking. You can’t get back lost time. You can’t jump into the future or to the past. Even though you can finds ways to save time; it won’t be in a bottle so you can use it at the end of eternity. Time is the great evader, just when you think you have enough you are all out of it. You can free up time but we usually waste what little of it we have. Life speeds by. Once I was a little girl, feels like yesterday. I can recall a time when I was just starting to feel like a grownup. Now I am on the precipice to middle age? How did that happen? Youth made me wish away my life so I would be old enough to drive, to go to college, to be an adult. What???? I thought, if only I were an adult, I would be Okay. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, anytime I want. I kind of miss the foolishness and immaturity of youth {{{sigh}}}.

Wishing, wanting, needing more time doesn’t get you more. If it did I would fill out the required paperwork right now. I need more time. I want to go back to a happier time when the people I loved were young and happy and here.
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Yesterday I snapped this photo of my hand on my Dad’s hand. It struck a chord in me. How much my hands look like my Mom’s. How strong and virile and young my Dad once was. How much I miss my kid sister and my Mom. When did my Dad become old? How did I not notice?

They say that time is a healer but I think that is a lie. Time is a thief. It slowly robs you of the people you hold most dear to you. Live in your moments. Love the people in your life while you have them.  Make time to be with people you love. They want nothing from you but your time. Spend your time with them wisely. Reap its rewards. Go live life! Make memories.

You’ve Changed

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It’s me, not you. I’ve changed. What is it about change that people hate? Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word. Let’s go with strongly dislike. Change is not a bad thing. It has a terrible reputation. Without change things would become boring, routine, mundane. Life is messy. It never comes wrapped in a tight little package with instructions that say:  just add hot water, cover, let stand for 5 minutes and then enjoy. That only happens with Ramen noodles and there is nothing good about that. Let’s be honest.

Change is scary. Change is intriguing. Change is inevitable.The seasons change. As we age we change. New love changes into something life long and wonderful or divorce depending on life circumstance. Change equals growth.  It takes courage to change.

I’ve changed. I decided it was my time. It was time for me to stand up for the lost soul I allowed myself to become and reclaim my life, my way. I walked back into WWs  because I deserve to treat myself better than I have in the past. I walked away from bad habits. I am no longer willing to be afraid of change.  In fact, I embrace it. I have grown. I am better at giving hugs and taking them as well. I am better at stopping to think about why something is making me angry or tense or nervous. I am learning to let go of things beyond my direct control. Sort of a cosmic live and let live attitude, I guess. I was willing to take a chance on myself one more time. Take a chance on yourself. Change just one thing and watch where it will take you.

The Women of Book Club

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What happens at Book Club stays at Book Club ;  )

Growing up I desperately wanted to be “that girl”. The one all the boys wanted to date and all the girls wanted to hate. I foolishly dreamt that one day I would figure out how to be the smartest, prettiest, most wonderful example of femininity the world would ever hope to know.  Instead I turned into the hater. On the outer edge of every social group one can imagine. I spent a lot of miserable years being unhappy about who I was instead of embracing who I was becoming. I never did become “that girl”.  Time, love, and life experience have turned me into something more rewarding; ME ! I have had to learn some very tough lessons in life about loss, love, acceptance and friendships. It is important to the people in your life to know that you value them.

On my way home from work today I was thinking about all the wonderful women in my life. I couldn’t help but wonder if I had told any of them how much I enjoy their laughter, their companionship, their insights. My friends mean the world to me. Somehow I never seem to tell them that. Shame on me.

I have recently fallen into a group of women who like to read. Well, I throw that out there loosely because truthfully I think we like getting together to enjoy each others’ company. There is a lot of laughing, chatting, gossiping( a tad), eating and enjoying an adult beverage or two. Eventually as the night wears on we get around to whatever book was supposed to be read. I belong  =  ) These women have allowed me into their circle. At first I thought that maybe I shouldn’t join. I had only attended one or two book club gatherings as a tag-a-long. I tagged along with my bestie. I hadn’t formally been asked to join but I was curious and my BFF assured me that the “girls” would love me.

I have a touch of social anxiety that I try to keep hidden. I make terrible first impressions. I feel uncomfortable surrounded by people I am not overly familiar with. I fidget. I give the false impression of over confidence when in truth I am just trying not to fall in on myself with embarrassment. I didn’t have many friends growing up. I guess I have never learned what it is I am supposed to do with them? Being myself seems to work so I am trying to do that more.

I love belonging. I looked forward to going to club night.  I have read all the books. Some I liked, some not so much but I like my new friends. The ladies of this book club are amazing. I am honored to be part of you. I enjoy our time together. You have taught me things when I wasn’t looking to learn. I am more relaxed in myself. I listen better. I am learning to enjoy the moments. wpid-20150712_174207.jpgI am blessed.

 

 

Eleven

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Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.