I Believe I Can…

WWs has decided to end the virtual Sunday morning meeting I attend. I am not happy about their shortsightedness. I have wanted to leave the WWs for sometime now, thanks for the assist corporate overlords. I have never been a fan of large meetings. I enjoy a smaller assemblance of people who are struggling with the same issues that I am. Smaller meeting sizes ensure that every voice has a better chance to be heard. Every participant feels included, valued, really seen. I feel like we became framily. I have made many friends over the years from my meetings. The corporate overlords have once again made the mistake of thinking that they know what I need better than I do.

The time has come for me to leave the nest. All these years I have been preening when I could have been flying. If this pandemic has taught me anything it is that I am stronger than I knew. I can lose weight. I am able to stick to a regimen of better food choices. I am capable of great things. It is all in my mindset. Negative thoughts and actions bring more negativity to a life. Positive thoughts and actions bring positive things. Life is about balance. Have I grown up? LOL! I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I am determined to see myself succeed. I am worth all of my best efforts. Today may very well be the last meeting I attend. The internet is full of FREE apps to track food intake, exercise, mental well being. I have taken steps to make my life better. I let go of some toxic people and toxic feelings I was holding onto. Maybe WWs is becoming toxic for me. The time to take a chance on myself has come.

I stayed at WWs all these years because I was afraid to fly. I didn’t trust my journey. I have confidence in my own power. I am not afraid. Let the journey take flight on a new path.

I GOT THIS

Frustratingly, frustrated with my frustration!

Image may contain: text that says 'You don't have to have it all figured out to move forward... just take the next step.'

I needed this today. I have been on a year of health for over a year now. I am at the spot in this journey where I usually throw in the towel and throw my health on the fire (fear of success?). I am off spot today. I have gained and lost the same two pounds for a month. I hate that I have wasted so much of my vitality chasing the perfect example of myself. I want to get to my goal. I need to begin an exercise regimen so I can firm up. I WANT TO EXERCISE! eventually I will but today F*ck you situps!

I promised myself I wouldn’t obsess about my journey yet here I am. It’s the only thing I can think about. Just stop.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming… I am worth this road trip. I deserve to be healthy. I will live in my moments not matter how fleeting. I choose happiness and peace of mind. A mis-step is just that not an entire walk.

I will make it to my goal. I want to physically feel better everyday. I am at the point in my journey where I have less than 20 pounds to go before I reach the next leg of my life called MAINTAIN, level out be at peace.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” Mahatma Gandhi

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!

Gnaw

I love this word. If you are an over thinker, and I definitely am, this word is part of your everyday existence. Life is a balance beam routine that never ends. One has to learn early how to manage each aspect of daily living in order to have room for happiness and peace. Sounds contrite I know but it is my truth. I lie to myself about letting go of petty things or unhealthy emotions but often I let things fester or gnaw at me for what seems like an eternity.

I hate the saying “forgive and forget”. I CAN NOT do it. I know, I know I should be able to but I won’t allow myself. It is one of my biggest faults. If someone hurts me on a personal level I would rather be free of them then ever try to mend a fence. Having said that I also should tell you that I will relive “the last moment” we shared over and over a million times trying to figure out what I? could have done differently or better or nicer. Lately though I have come to a new thought, WHY? JUST WHY? Do I need to feel inadequate? inferior? was I in this relationship alone? was it already dying when we parted ways? I will no longer be chasing people. END OF STORY.

I can not change the way I feel about things unless I want it. The last thing I need is someone who acts like it is their job to change me. I have enough on my plate already. I am odd. I am wonderful. I am giving. I love to laugh and be silly. I have many wonderful qualities that I often shutter down because people I associate with do not “like” when I am me. I am slowly removing those persons from my vicinity.

Can we talk about the concept of extending the olive branch? Does that BS ever work? I often think I will extend an apology to someone who clearly thinks that I have done them some great amount of bodily harm, or I damaged their reputation or I ignored them or a million other silly make believe missteps. You know what it gets me? Yes, you guessed correctly!! DING ding, said offended person tries to shove the branch up my ass…good times. ANY time I have ever attempted to say mea culpa (my fault) I usually have a vitriol sandwich crammed down my throat whilst the “injured” person tries to feed my that F*kn branch via my lower alimentary canal. I no longer extend that branch. I have taken up gardening. I like olive oil so I am branching out. ( I will just leave this here)

News flash in order to move on from a place of hurt BOTH parties need to be on the same plain of thought and feeling, otherwise the effort put forth lands flat. Flatter than an opera singer trying to find her note. I am learning to let things fall away, to leave whatever is unhealthy aside so I don’t gnaw at the food in my house when my thoughts and feelings are gnawing at me.

Find your Joy! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE !

A Funny Thing Happened

on my way to writing this post today. I had an idea in my old lady mind and then just like that…oh! it’s a butterfly. What? What did I want to wax on about? I actually got distracted by eye pain. My eye was OMG why was it hurting so bad? Have I been secretly poked by a mad chicken? What the hell is going on!?

I went out for a walk yesterday through Notre Dame Cemetery in Worcester MA for a little history, some fresh air, some outdoor beauty, a few laughs with my walking partner; I forgot my allergy pill…maybe that’s why my eye is bothering me. By the time I got home from my walk I was hot, itchy, and wheezing. Dude! Never forget an allergy pill! It feels like living through the Seven Hells ! and oh yeah, we are still trying to navigate this fk’n virus, live life, stay safe, be happy. This is the song that doesn’t end…

So I got up today to sing a song for another day. I remembered to take my allergy pill this morning, I attended my ZOOM meeting for my virtual WWs meeting. I had a good BFast and I went for an awesome walk today to repeat the joy of yesterday. Only today’s target was Hope Cemetery and St. John’s. Today was cooler and the sky more brilliant than yesterday. I felt none of the seasonal allergy woes from the other day. So for another day my fears of the virus have taken a back burner in my tunnel of anxiety. Phew.

I had a lovely afternoon but my eye was still twerking…wth? Hubby and I own a Maine Coon named Pepper. She is 15. I love/hate her. She is a sweet, beautiful, evil, vengeful queen with sharp claws who is part assassin. Maine Coons do not shed hair/fur. Their fur is ultra soft and long. When she looses hair it looks like little tumbleweeds. They actually roll across my hardwood floors. My cat has this weird need to tuck me into bed. She likes to lie on my chest with her butt facing me (no respect, right?). I found out this is actually a huge show of love. She lies like this to protect me. She makes biscuits as she purrs (like I can’t hear the music) until I fall asleep.

After my walk this afternoon my eye issue was really making nervous. I have an eye appointment this week but I wasn’t looking forward to maybe having to be seen on an emergency. I got my old lady magnifying glass and looked at my eye in the bathroom mirror. Maybe an eyelash? Mine are long. I have had a stray lash once or twice before. Are you ready? Somehow? one of her tail hairs got into my eye. I somehow managed to catch the tip between my fingernails and slowly pull it out of my eye. WOW! YES! I am okay. My eye is no longer puffy. The pain gone. That DARN Cat!

 

Butterfly

Will I ever let go of the things in my life that are toxic? I eat too much in a continued never ending sad attempt to dilute my anger? my fear? my inadequacies? I have spent a good deal of my life trying to make everyone else in my life happy by putting my wants, needs, and dreams on a back burner. I am now way passed my forties. I am actively enmeshed in my glorious (not) fifties. I do not like the way my body betrays me. I have allowed the fearful part of myself to control my life. My physician asked me to come back for a follow up after my physical in October because she was worried about my state of being (mental health check). I feel like I am standing on the edge of a beautiful mountain side but I am on the wrong side of this vision. There is nothing beautiful left on this side. Everything lies in ruins, overmined and stripped of all of its natural beauty.

I grew up feeling like a misfit, not really part of anything. I was withdrawn in school. I did well academically but never had the ambition to find my dream or a mentor to help me find a direction or career path. I had zero friends. My level of self loathing off the charts but somehow I managed to hang on. I adult with no direction. You can’t tell me you are surprised. Can you? I still have no life plan. I never thought for one second in the time of my youth that I would live longer than the age of thirty; yet here I am in my current lovely state of disrepair. I have spent most of my life chasing a version of myself I am not sure exists anywhere but in the corner of my mind.

Where to start? I can not continue to get up day after day feeling like what I do and who I am is not important. I want to recapture my joie de vie.  Did I ever have a joy for my life? I am sure I did. I am struggling with the getting older part. “You know your skin is saggy in places. You are getting AGE spots. Did you know you drool in your sleep?” Youthful Trish mocks me. I do not want my picture taken ever again but I will pose when asked. I am forever telling people to stop underestimating what they mean to others but I have no idea what I mean to people in my life. You could be someone’s hero even when you feel like a big fat nothing, I am trying to break free of my sadness. A sadness that does not seem to have a true origin. Is this what menopause is? A long journey into sad? I want to throw tantrums, but I am a grown woman and quite frankly who wants to see an overweight, older, adorable female throw herself on the floor of a local Trader Joe’s? I mean, what a way to go viral on social media! Thank the gods I have more restraint than that, well, at least I think I do.

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Whatever Just Wash Your Hands

img_20190212_1744231401245892.jpg The times they are a-changin’. I have been fighting my own personal battle with depression??? for just over a year. I don’t feel sad all the time; I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know how else to articulate how I am feeling.  My journey down into the abyss of menopause has been uneventful yet full of emotion. I hate when I cry. Somehow though I have become really good at it. Dropped a hat did you? The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish? family commercial on TV about Al Fresco cooked chicken sausage, yup tears, WTF?

Last year before Christmas I was doing so well. I had lost 60 pounds. I was feeling like I was living my best life and then just like that…snap
shit changed. My MIL was recovering from hip replacement surgery. I volunteered to host Christmas at our house. I never should have suggested it. I let myself become overwhelmed. I turned to my old stand by FOOD. Food never lets me down. I can not resist her charms. Once I start placating myself with treats, I spiral. I gained back almost all of the 60 pounds I lost between December of 2017 and October of 2018! WHY? why will I never learn? I was even dumb enough to host Christmas again this year. HELLO! DUMBASS! Just stop doing this to yourself.

I am fearful of posting the link for my blog on FB anymore. I used to feel safe in the knowledge that I could just be me but my MIL now has an account on social media. I know there is no expectation of privacy on social media but at least I was safe from her prying eyes. Now I feel NAKED. She can see everything. I did not accept her friend request much to the anger of my hubster. She will not understand. She will take it as an attack. It’s not. No matter what I choose to do it will be the wrong choice. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it will happen.

I became the ambassador of adventure, sometime during the summer of 2018. In the midst of my semi-funk I decided that my bestie was too busy to hang with me so…I cheated on our friendship with gals from work. I planned a different adventure almost every Saturday from July to October. I drove, played tour guide, museum curator and foodie extraordinaire. Newport RI mansions, Gloucester’s Hammond Castle and sea shore, Maritime Salem and Hocus Pocus shenanigans. What a whirlwind! that did absolutely nothing to get me out of my funk…amok

Don’t get me wrong it’s not the company. You’ve all been great fun…and oh the fun we’ve had. I am a little broken at the moment. I will be hosting adventures again this year. Why? because it feels wonderful to get away from the muck and boredom of everyday life. I will get my groove back. I refuse to give up. I am trying to find my way back to the happier version of myself.

I have gone back to WWs.  I am sure as soon as I apply myself to the task at hand, relax,  do what I know works I will be back on track. To the people in my life who never give up on me, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my everything. (The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish?) freakin’ menopause, smh!

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!!!!

Shakespeare on a Sunday

Most stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. I see no relevance in discussing my beginnings. Right now I seem to be stuck in the middle so let’s start this story here. I am up to my full figured waist in IT right now. I need to get my head out of my arse. Why is it so difficult to stop doing something that brings nothing good to your life?  I know what I need to do but I can’t seem to convince myself to do it.

Sometimes the only way to get to the other shore is to jump into the water and swim towards the opposing shore. No complaints, no carefully made plans just thrusting full throttle for something other than what is currently not working for you. To quote Shakespeare, from Hamlet ,”This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.” … and yet somehow every day I make compromises and I am not true to myself.

As many of you know I married a man whose passion is anything hockey. Every fall I find myself at odds about the start of the season, the loss of free time, the crappy weather, the angst that comes with game day prep (and he isn’t even on the team!) and the sense of loss I feel over not feeling the adrenal rush that every other hockey groupie gets. I have made many friends because of this sport. I cherish them all.  BUT…I miss my freedom. What can not be changed must be embraced. I am writing this missive not because I am looking for sympathy but for clarity in myself. It is time to stop complaining about something that at least for the moment is unlikely to change. I am uncertain how to move forward but I need to.

I have often wondered why every time I go on a eating better for better health kick I can’t make it a lifestyle. Why does doing well become my new obsession? Why do I lack the ability to stop all the thoughts that crowd my mind about being hungry? about wanting? about feeling deprived? about feeling sorry for myself because I wasn’t born with a magical metabolism that keeps me thin? I have no energy for these bullshit thoughts anymore. I just want to feel healthy. I want to climb a flight of stairs and not feel like I am going to die from lack of oxygen. I want to bend over and tie my shoes. I want to stop feeling tight in my own skin. I want to stop obsessing. I want to feel vibrant. I want to wear and buy clothes without Spandex being my only option. With all of the ever changing methods of WWs(not that I am blaming them) and my own personal demons I am left feeling like I am trying to climb Mount Everest over a piece of toast. That is just wrong. EAT THE TOAST. I know what to do. It’s time to do it.

I am going to mix things up with my blog, spend less time commiserating about my struggles. Write about the joy of life. I know it’s out there.

JOY
Joy

The Pain of Being Me

Some times I am not honest enough with myself; other times I am so honest I hurt my own feelings. I mean WTF? Imagine if I just let myself live in peace?!?!? Once again I find myself in a space I created, and an unsafe one at that. I am sure you have all heard the phrase ‘to paint oneself into a corner’.
beetlebailey Well, I am really good at doing that. Lately I have been getting to the end of my work day feeling exhausted, drained, and spent. I took a hiatus from trying to be healthy right around this time last year and well, just as you might think, I am fluffy. I am getting way to old to keep fighting with myself. The fight is over. No winner, just a draw. No rematch planned. I just can’t do this bugsbunny gif  to myself anymore.

I own all that is me. The things I have built into the legend that is me and the things that are just my sad truths. No more hiding, no more trying to conform. People will either  like me or not, their choice, not mine. Choose wisely. What is next for me? I really don’t know. I will continue to share things to my blog. I will continue to be a hot mess but from now on I am going to try my hardest to be less of a hot mess. I am picking up the pieces of my puzzle. I will keep trying to arrange them into some version of myself I can live comfortably with. I need to worry about my health before I find myself chasing after what I once took for granted.

I am watching old TV specials of Barbra Streisand as I free write (putting down what ever pops into my grey matter) this blog post. Somehow in the course of living I forgot how much I really love her voice. Perhaps there is still time in my life to SING because it makes me happy. Do you think that some people are just born with the talent to sing? I mean really sing without any voice lessons? Streisand helped me survive my teenage years. I would come home from school feeling friendless, angry, and ugly. I would turn up the volume on my mother’s Emerson stereo and sing every album I owned of hers. I would sing away all the hurt, disappointment, and uncertainty of school day. Her music would take me to a place of hope. Every note, every change in key, every breath carefully taken between key notes in the music or phrasing. My brain knows and can still reproduce every song even after all these years.  I still don’t need a pitch pipe.pitch pipe

 

Get Into The Groove

I feel like Stella. I need to find a way to get my groove back. Every day I find myself searching for something I lost along my way but what is it that I have lost? Well, my words for one. I used to be able to sit alone with my thoughts and bang out a blog post about how I was feeling, things I was experiencing, adventures I was having. I like to think that occasionally I made you laugh, cry, think, and maybe remember or appreciate the love you have been gifted with from the people in your life.

Life is in the doing. I guess I need to get back to the doing, going, pursuing, being in my life. I am saddened by the hatred I keep seeing in my feeds on social media. Fake news, fake people, fake lives. It distresses me. I have started to purge people from my lists that bring nothing to the table. No joy, no happiness, no laughter = (equals) no longer on my list of friends.  I am having a difficult enough time not losing my own happiness thread. I really don’t need people unhappy in their own circumstance dragging me into things I know nothing about that I want to know nothing about. I guess you can say I am being smart enough to come in from the rain.

I am not enjoying my journey into menopause. I think it is the most horrible gift the Creator ever bestowed on women. Don’t we suffer enough? I think I would have rather preferred to receive a telegram.

via WESTERN UNION

ATTENTION! stop NEWS FLASH! stop

You are far too old to pro create stop

You will no longer be visited on by FLO stop

Love, your Creator stop

But… we ladies all know that is not what happens. I have noticed that some days I am so warm I could probably dry wet laundry. I am not a small woman. I have only occasionally felt the ickyness of boob sweat, eww so gross, no seriously never before in my life have my boobs been so prone to sweat, yuck. I even thought about buying TaTa towels® but l lack the confidence to buy them online. Can I get someone to please tell me why I find everything so worthy of tears? I have never been a big crier. My forte has always been ANGER. Resting Bitch Face a daily exercise when faced with a situation I wanted no part of. Now, I find myself crying over, I am sorry to say it but it is true, spilt milk.

There are other troubling things though I have not seen them yet, I am warned that my beautiful hair will thin as my waist line expands. Since I am already overweight I hope this part does not come true. I like my hair the way it is, on my head, and I really want my waist line to thin down. I have been working on the latter for some 25 years now! I’d really hate for the struggle to be over before I am truly ready to give up and throw in the TaTa towel®

 

August

It s a Saturday morning late into the month of August. I am sitting in my chair in my office (comfort zone) where I like to pretend, plan, and hope for better. Whatever that better might be…sex, job, weight, hair style. I am a lousy adult. I hate most everything that goes along with adulting: working, paying bills, grocery shopping, laundry, decisions, decisions, decisions, and responsibilities that never end. Hell, I don’t want them in my life let alone have a list! The older I get the more I realize that what I am really looking for is PEACE. Peace with myself. The time for growing into the person I thought I wanted to be is gone. Instead of working on myself I have been trying to catch a ride to anyplace that will take me away from myself. Huh? I know, right?

I let this  happen to me (September 1,2018) today. I walked into my grocery store and almost bumped into someone I went to WWs with. I did the one thing I promised myself I would never do. I avoided eye contact, pretended that I had not seen this person, and walked in the opposite direction in search of my binge food. Have I lost my flippin’ mind? Why do I always have to hit rock bottom before I find a way back to the surface? I was embarrassed. I stopped trying to be a successful WW. If you know me you can see it quite plainly. Avoiding this person only filled me with shame and anger. Not healthy emotions. I have eaten crap all day today in a backwards attempt at masquerading how I am feeling.

Life is precious so why does it feel so mundane to me? Maybe this is what getting old is really about… life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone… Autumn is closer now than I ‘d like. I am not going to struggle with myself anymore over this bullshit. No more obsessing about my weight… I just can’t do it anymore. It is not helpful. Good bye sauces. good bye granola bars, good bye Nutella, good bye peanut butter (I will miss you most). Good bye to all the carb heavy things my demons crave. Good bye processed food. Good bye I-C-E  C-R-E-A-M (tissue?) Cheese? I am sorry, but we have to break up. It’s me not you. No, that’s a lie. It is you. Our relationship is not healthy.

I log over 12,000 steps a day! I feel every step. My legs push their pain on me. My legs and knees are my enemy. My lungs scream for air. I cringe at the thought of stairs.   Menopause has given me heart palpitations as a gift. I miss bending over to tie my sneakers. Jeans? Oh, don’t even get me started. I am certain that by now none of my favorite hoodies fit or my pants or my winter coat… maybe shivering in the cold while I am naked, will count as exercise and some of my frozen tundra will just chip off !?! 

It is never too late to try once again, so I am told. I still have some misadventures left in my soul.  Cry Havoc! and slip loose the dogs of war! What say you? Do I still have fight in me or should I lie down in a field of flowers and await the vultures? I may slip and falter but I  will never give up or live my life lying down.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be