Category: WWs

Where old pounds go to wither

Eleven

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Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

 

TEN

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On a scale of one to ten please rate your pain today. The little smiley/sad faces on the chart at the doctor’s office are there to help you express how you are feeling. You have the oil changed at your local car dealership or lube shop and they want you to fill out a survey. On a scale of one to ten  with one being the lowest score how would you rate your visit today? Were you satisfied, somewhat satisfied, depressed, ecstatic or just plain giddy? Questions, questions, questions. How am I ? I feel wonderful, alive and at peace. I am in a good place right now. I plan on enjoying this journey back to me. I am learning to live my life again. I am making better choices. I feel like I have new avenues to explore and adventures to take part in. I am watching my confidence bloom into an amazing bundle of hope. With hope anything is possible.

I had a great week. I guess I had my first real “feel good” non scale victory. I logged all of my food and all of my sins. I chose more than once not to take the easy way out by grabbing a fast snack. I am planning out more of my meals. I have returned to the all important making of shopping lists. I am reading my labels with better understanding. I am scanning labels I am unsure of and making educated purchases. Damn, it feels good. All it took was a glimmer of self belief. You really can start a fire with a spark.

I love getting up early on Saturday mornings to go to my meeting. I have promised myself to go and to stay for my meeting each week. So far so good  =  ) I have challenged myself to join water aerobics and buy a waterproof fitness band. I am trying to move more.

On a scale of one to ten? Yes, I am a TEN and not just two fives in the wrong place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Down and UP?

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It started out with a touch of discomfort. My throat was dry and scratchy, my ears itchy, my eyes weepy; I thought to myself, “wonderful ! my Spring allergies have decided to rear their ugly head, ERGH !”  I was determined though. I had just left my morning WWs meeting feeling UP.  Today I had plans and no amount of impending allergies was going to keep me DOWN. I felt it was time to take the plunge and say good bye to my double digit underpants. I was treating myself to some well deserved new SMALLER undies.

No one likes to talk about under garments. The conversation gets smaller the larger you are. Pun intended. No girl I know wants to talk about their size or that they may have to specialty shop for foundation things. Well, I am here to change that. I was brave enough to face myself at the scale now I need to learn to have faith in the power of me and try on new clothes. I am not going to lie to you. I was nervous. I hate any kind of clothes shopping but I’ve made a promise to be better to myself. I am happy to report that after nearly an hour of self-doubt, with an ever rising anxiety level; I made my selection of not one but two packs of brand new smaller DIVA approved undies. I am worth it.  =  )   I have lost enough weight that I have moved DOWN the size scale.

Yes, they fit; and better than I thought they would, too!  Yeah ME ! Atta Girl !

My allergies turned into a full blown Spring cold. I had fever, chills,and a general feeling of despair paired with the worst case of self-pity I have ever had, but I got over my bad self. I want this. I tracked all week. I planned the best I could. I tried very hard to keep my head in the game. I did it.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

 

ATE

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As I sit to write this I realize that this is my eighth week on program. The time seems to have flown by. I am amazed by how much more alert, happy and full of energy I am. Don’t get me wrong I have struggled. Some days I struggle to hold it together all day long. I am not good at dealing with anger in a positive way. I have spent most of my life avoiding the emotional repercussions of anger.  The more I try NOT to own a disappointment the larger that dress(anger is just disappointment in an ugly dress) becomes both emotionally and physically. The more effort I put into avoiding how I feel the more likely I am to calm those raw feelings with food.

I have been trying to choose better ways to deal with the things that cause me to get aggravated, frustrated, put out and worn down. I blog. I go for a walk. I call my bestie. I plan out summer field trips and adventures. I window shop for smaller clothing. Odd how a little honesty goes a long way. Some times I manage to talk myself out from under a bad mood or a bad day, sometimes not. What I’m learning is it is okay to get angry as long as I don’t allow that anger  to control how I treat myself or other people.

I am beginning to notice my size is changing for the smaller. It is a wonderful, joyous feeling to put on a piece of clothing and realize it fits better. I actually have a little more moving around room. My shirts are getting longer in length as there is less of me to cover. I missed that feeling of accomplishment. It is a nice change to shout “Atta girl” out loud in my mind instead of the dark mutterings I used to actually listen too. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. You got this! Atta Girl!

Success?

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A WW leader once said to me that without try….there would be no triumph. I am trying to put a little more umph into my try.  Last week I maintained at the scale. Still a victory, though at the time it felt hollow. Like when you are voted club president and there are only three of you; hollow. I went home a little down but I have not given up. I have been thinking.

What is success? I know what it reads in the dictionary. I define success as working towards a desired goal. I am the goal, not my weight. I want to be the best example of myself. When I smile I want it to be real not painted on to make someone else happy. I want to feel like I have done the best for me. I measure my successes with the small things. My bath towel goes a  little further around my middle, no more of my kibbles and bits sneaking out. My clothes are beginning to feel less snug all around. I have more energy. My level of self belief has grown. I am excited about what is next on this journey.

I had lost faith in the power of me. It has been a long road back to finding that little girl that lives in my soul. She is the light in the tunnel of my mind, my guide through the rough patches. She carries the truths of who I am. She holds onto my hopes, my joy and the wonderment of being alive that sometimes gets lost amongst the chaos of being a grown up. She keeps the best things about me safe for when I remember I deserve to be happy; that I am worthy of success.

What is success? Never giving up on the person you are meant to be.

 

The Grand Life

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It is in the small things. The truly important things in life are in the small things. Just think about it for a minute. A smile from a passing stranger. Laughter amongst friends.  Sunshine on an overcast day. A butterfly in flight. Life is grand. I forget that sometimes. I forget that it takes work to be content. I forget to be in the moment.

I am trying to be better about the small things. I recently went back to WWs after a long (devil may care attitude that nearly cost me all I had worked so hard to accomplish) hiatus. It has been a struggle to get back into the swing of things but I can honestly say I am feeling much like my old happy self again. My heartburn is gone. My energy level is up and…my underpants are loose. Score one for me!!!

I like to think of my weight loss journey as a wall I am tearing down one stone at a time.  I built my wall (ME) on bad choices, broken promises, resentments and tears.  Life has a way of beating my best intentions out of me. True success begins with a little hope, forgiveness, some elbow grease and a belief in the power of self. It takes courage to change course and step away from the things that are not healthy but I am worth it. Aren’t you?

March On

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As February is preparing to make its exit into March, I am taking a few moments to think about the good things I managed to do for myself. Instead of wallowing in the sorrow I allow to consume me every year on Brenda’s birthday, I went back to WWs. I wanted to do something positive for myself on her day. Put a different twist on the day. I made a commitment to myself. Live for the day you awake to. Do the best you can with the moment you are in. Be kinder to yourself. Everyone makes bad choices but one bad rock does not spoil a stone wall. Listen to how you feel. If you are angry verbalize why. Even if no one else is listening, you hear you. It’s OK to let go.

Let go of the emotions that keep you tied to the version of yourself that you don’t like. Stop calling yourself bad names. When left alone with my thoughts sometimes they (I am)are mean to me. I alone allow myself to be negative over small slights of weakness or anger or sorrow. Why? Have you ever just asked yourself why?  No? Me either. Odd but true the people in your life love you just as you are. So why do I suck at liking myself? I set my self expectations way too high above my limitations that’s why.

My back is finally on the mend, most of my mobility has returned which is just wonderful.  Every February during school vacation a group of gaming geeks gather for a weekend of gaming. It is about the  exchanging of ideas, bad food and the great company of people you love that you haven’t seen in a year. Not my cup of tea but it makes the hubster happy so I tag along. I spend my weekend being the trophy wife and running around fake shopping and exploring with my best gal pal, Jadira. This year my bestie was ill with a bad bout of bronchitis and I was a stiff painful back muscle cramp. We both tried to have a great weekend but in truth I would say on a scale from disastrous to cool we mellowed out somewhere around ehh, it was ok.

I tried to stay on program as much as possible. I even went to a WWs meeting on Saturday just like I was at home. Yippee for me. I am trying to stick to my guns, to become a better version of myself. For the first time in more than a few years I feel like I can do this.

Week Two

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Week Two is drawing to a close. What a ride. This week I anticipate no weight loss coming my way. Not because I didn’t try. I made better choices all week so I am already ahead of the game. I just let too many things distract me this week. I ate some homemade goodness brought to me by people in my life who love me. This time around, however; I am trying to be in the moments of my life. Guilt is something for a court to decide, not for me to carry around like unwanted carry-on luggage. Who needs it? Not me.

I have made a commitment to myself. Let go of the things in my path that serve no useful purpose. Be kinder to my inner self; stop ignoring that little voice in my head that screams to be heard. I can do this. I want to do this. I am responsible for my own happiness. Imagine how much easier it is to row a boat in a body of water than on dry land. Odd comparison but my whole life I have been trying to row my boat up a mountain.

This week I pep talked myself into getting back on task if I wonder off course. I was able to get right back on track. I promised myself to log every thing. Make myself accountable. No blame game going on here. I ate. I logged. I moved on. No angry thoughts about should have, could have, would have. It is what it is. My journey continues…

 

I went to WWs this morning. I weighed in (like the courageous soul that I am) and… to my delighted, surprise I lost weight  =  )  Yippee! GO ME !!!!

Just breathe, believe in the power of yourself and DO wonderful. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Weak One

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I didn’t want to get out of bed so early; but, I did it. I didn’t want to admit that I had left my journey on the road back at my fork; but, I did it. I didn’t want to accept that I needed to go back to WWs; but, I did it. I got up before the alarm clock went off. I woke my hubby by trying to be TOO QUIET. I rushed out the door. I was a walking emoticon. I felt like crying. My throat felt tight like I couldn’t breathe. I was anxious about walking through that door. I talked to myself the entire drive over. I sat in my Jeep for a few moments and pep talked myself into going in. I went in. I weighed in. I sat down and I let go of my anxiety. I did it.

I did this for me. I am worth this. I forgot how important I am to myself. I need to be healthy for me.  How things have changed. New rules to learn, bad habits to tame into healthy routines, exercise!?! UGH!!! I have a hate/love relationship with that. I could blame this on high school forced participation (with little to no encouragement or positive feedback) ; but, I am adulting today. I listened to the topic for the week. As a group we laughed, exchanged ideas and talked about our lives. It felt wonderful. I love my early Saturday morning meeting. I have missed you.

I have struggled all week to make better choices. I made a few mistakes. Unlike times past, I haven’t given into myself. I am trying to make this work for me. I miss seeing my feet. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never be the Diva in double digit underpants ever again. I want to be the best version of myself. I have quite the adventure ahead of me. Tomorrow is my weigh-in day. I am a little nervous and excited at the same time. I had a great week because I took part in my well being.  What have I learned this week? I am not the WEAK ONE. I can do this.

 

Is It Okay?

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…if I decide that I am good enough JUST as I am? Is IT? I am done. I find myself on the path of middle age. Some of my dreams, wishes, desires will never come to fruition. I am many things. I am funny. I am a worrier. I obsess about things that worry me. When I love I throw everything that I am into it. Hurt me and it takes near a lifetime for me to trust you again. I am loud. I love to laugh. I love to sing. I love the people in my life. I guess I just want to know that the people in my life love me just as I am. Hot mess and all. I will always be overweight. Does that make me less valuable than someone who will always be skinny?

I am tired of rowing my boat in a circle. I have come to believe I have put my health on the skids by trying to hard to make changes to the ways I eat instead of the whys. I think it is time I under take a new approach by …yeah what should I do?

I feel like it is time to throw my hat into the ring and give this eat better to be better thing another go round. I miss feeling healthy. I miss my ankles and my skinny jeans. I miss laughing and meaning it. I miss the me that was smaller and full of life and hope. I am READY to try again.