Sister Act>>>Frustration & Doubt

I thought about you for most of my day yesterday. I have thoughts …if you will indulge me. I say this from my personal experience with this journey. Frustration, boy….she can be a great friend or the worst enemy you’ve ever had. I find when I am frustrated with a project that she (Frustration) often helps me to take a moment which helps me plan a new strategy or new path. However, when I am uncertain what to do she can linger longer than she should and then I find myself full of her best friend Doubt. All I can say is when those two start hanging around, Failure ,Abandonment, and Anger are usually close behind looking to get their party on. These party guest sometimes take me years to clean up after so I suggest you DON’T entertain them! Frustration is not like Joy. We all know Joy is wonderful to have around but she is fickle and often leaves a party without anyone noticing she is gone until it is too late and the air has gone out of all the balloons. Am I right? Then you might feel a little Frustrated but you know deep down that when Joy returns you will try to enjoy her more so you let Frustration go. You have the power to have Joy or Anger or Frustration or any of her other friends when you need them. Those emotions tend to be controllers in our lives instead of us guiding their use. I have often left my own journey because I GAVE UP on the power of ME! I let all of my unnamed anger, frustration, doubt rule what I want, who I want to be.

I have often dumped Joy, Love, and Acceptance by the wayside because I felt unworthy to accept their unconditional friendship. Know Your worth. Stand up for the distance you have traveled on this journey. Bad feelings are temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS! You are worth all of the struggle. You are enough. You are stronger in ways you never give yourself credit for.

I had to learn to make peace with who I am. I did not become overweight overnight. I will not get healthy overnight either. This time I do this for the best version of myself. The one I love. The one I respect. The version of myself that has learned to be JOYFUL, LOVING, ACCEPTING. Sure I still feel Frustrated but I just stopped entertaining her and her motley crew. I busy myself with things that I enjoy and things have a way of calming down.

Don’t throw your successes away, keep fighting the good fight. I am proud of you!

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

Mulligan Anyone?

A mulligan is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. Its best-known meaning is in golf, whereby a player is informally allowed to replay a stroke, even though this is against the formal rules of golf. The term has also been applied to other sports and games, and to other fields generally. The origin of the term is unclear. I lifted this definition from Wikipedia.
that-golf-swing

What if this is your chance? a do- over? Reach out to someone you have lost touch with.  Maybe it is someone you miss, apologize and make that relationship whole again. Or does there need to be a deep cleanse of your Facebook page? Unfriending is an option. I found myself tempted by the prospects of letting go of the toxicity that often comes with “social media”. I have set a few people free and in doing so I have set myself free. Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time!” If I had only heeded this advice more often than ignored it I would have been in a much better space right now. = )

Truths? Most people on the periphery of your life DO NOT GIVE ONE DAMN about you. I am learning real friends ask how you are. Real friends owl mail special things to your door on a rainy day. Real friends laugh with you. Real friends hold each other up, build bonds, offer help. Even if that help is just a video chat, a text, or a phone call. Everyone has a village. I am proud to say that my village has the best people. Some I chose, some chose me. My family, my book club ladies, my WWs peeps, co-workers, hockey peeps,  have all become more of an important part of my life. Something in my life I never dreamed of having, acceptance for everything weird thing that makes me who I am. You know what makes me stronger? and helps me see the next day and the next day and the day after that? YOU. So in case you still have not heard my message: you are important, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are enough. I love you. I am always waiting in the wings. Curtains up!

(virus) We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important message. Love the people in your life while they are in your life. Life is a precarious balance between good and bad, love and hate. Be in your moments, all of them, make memories, be honest, be true to who you are not what people want. Try to leave warm thoughts of you with someone instead of a trail of sadness and anger. Try to be kind to everyone, self included. You will return to your busy lives soon enough.

Untitled Four Days Ago…

Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto.true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me. 

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey.  A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS,  people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.

The Road Untraveled

I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.

 

Go with the Flo…

Being a woman of a certain age I am on the cusp of finally getting to say goodbye to my Flo. That is if she would only just leave already. This time around she was off somewhere living the leisure life for nearly four months. I was settling into the “wow, I guess I am an old lady now” train of thought when I felt those old rumblings, negative thoughts, anxiety, edgy hunger and pain in my left side. Flo makes me feel more vulnerable, nervous. I don’t like it. Flo showed Wednesday while I was at work. All high and mighty, sporting high heels and dragging a fully packed wheelie suitcase with her. I have always had a love/hate relationship with Flo. She made me nervous in my carefree youth. She was a lot like me, capricious and carefree, but she always came riding in to save the day. I loved her then, appreciated her and sang her praises. I hated her too. Angry after I got married when she betrayed me, always around never letting me become someone’s mom. I want her to go but I want her to stay. If she goes I will never have to buy her supplies, ever again. Oh happy day. If she goes she takes the rest of my estrogen with her. My hair will thin, my skin will crepe, my life light dimming. Should I Stay Or Should I Go Now?

In time I will get my opportunity to say my final goodbyes to Flo, begin the next chapter. I only hope I face the next half of my life( is there a half? or way less? only time will tell)with courage, humor, good friends, family, and adventure.

Stay tuned

My Inner Child

sometimes gets in the way of my 55 years of age. I had a panic attack today. In my life I have gotten myself into some shitty situations because I tend to leap before I look, or plan, or think. In a very short short span of time (6 days to be exact) I will be going on an adventure to of all places to Universal Studios in Florida. Wait, wait for it…without my hubby. I have never been to Florida. The last time I went to an amusement park? Just about 26 years ago in 1994, my kid sister and I took our nephews to Rocky Point Park in Warwick RI. A lot has changed since then.

My inner child decided late Spring of 2019 to be bold. I was out somewhere with my friend Jadira when inspiration hit me. I NEEDED a grand vacation. I needed to see Harry Potter in all its glory. I needed to feel like part of something bigger than myself and my small life. I think a little back story is necessary here just so there is no WTF moment later on.

My Dad always wanted to take his kids to Disney. After my Aunt Mary died in March of 2004, my kid sister and I were going to surprise him. We were going to find a way to get my Dad and his three girls to Disney. We never got to because life often has other ideas. My beloved kid sister died in a car accident, just two months after my aunt passed. I was broken, the family was broken. I struggled for years with my parents declining health. I was never really in a good frame of mind for long. I just sort of lived on the periphery of life pretending to be in my moments, being happy, “moving on “.  Don’t get the wrong idea. I had plenty of happy. I have a good life. I love and I know I am loved but grief is like a scarf you can’t take off. It hangs around your neck both easing your pain and causing it. Eventually both of my parents died and I was suddenly free but still a captive.

I wanted to be more for myself so I decided some time ago to work on being better to myself…and that is when my inner child took that leap of faith. I was finally ready to let my soul soar to new heights, to be invested in my well being.  I am excited to be flying, to be traveling, to be on an epic adventure but I am also anxious. Over the years I have fallen into the habit of singing in public. I guess you could say it is my therapy animal. Singing is my escape, my solace, my friend. It doesn’t matter if my notes fall flat. It is who I am. It is what I do for me. It can also be highly inappropriate, embarrassing and a burden to the people I am hanging with. I want to have fun on my mini vaca. I want to sing with reckless abandon but it’s not fair to my travel companion or her kiddles. I am feeling anxious because I am trusting the journey. I am not in the drivers seat. I am being in the moment without a safety net.

I have let Jadira make all of our travel arrangements as I have no experience at all in this arena. She is very knowledgeable about destination vacations and all of the manusha that goes with it.  We will have the best time.

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

It is 5:30 in the morning on the 1st day of the last year in this decade. Yes. it is the last year of the decade! Nothing and no body starts at year one but at day one. Except in some cultures where you are born and considered to be nine months old, time spent in utero counts. Wish I could use that one when it comes time to retire. I am sitting in my office thinking about the year 2019. I am not a big fan of “the year was good to me, bad to me” time is elusive. It is the events and people within that year that make IT memorable. Let’s face it a lot of shitty things happen to each of us in a course of a year. People we love pass away, sometimes we get sick, or depressed. Jobs are lost, or change. New friends are gained. Some old friends are left by the wayside no longer fitting into what a person needs or wants. Life is ever moving,  just like time.

I haven’t really written much since July. I guess I needed a break from my thoughts. I love to write but sometimes if I am not careful it leads me down the path to depression. I find if I spend too much time in my own head I can’t escape my pain. The first part of 2019 was like many years before it, the same old dog and pony ride. I was angry. I am always angry. Most people I know might not believe that to be the case but it is true. I am angry. It is my greatest challenge and my biggest downfall. I decided sometime before my Auntie’s surgery to let anger take a vacation. I really needed a break from her so I sent her away.  I am better for it. My relationship with my hubby is better. I feel better around myself and other people. I even went back to WWs.

In retrospect I would have to say that I was good to 2019.  I found myself. Who I have always been but was afraid to be. I feel at peace with myself (right now, at this moment). I am trying to find my joy everyday. I am participating in my life and in my well being. I have made some new friends. Some of my other friendships are changing and I am okay with that. When a pond stays stagnant for too long its life force dies.  I am working on the things on my “bucket list”. I have even managed to get a few things crossed off. Silly, I know but a life not lived or not being able to find joy in is not living.

My wish for 2020? peace

The Heart of the Matter

I have experienced great loss in my life. My kid sister, my Mom, my Pops, my cousin Mike. I love each of them dearly in entirely different ways. Both my cousin and my sister were on the younger side of life. My world was shaken to its core the day my sister died. Losing her changed me in ways I never imagined a person could change. I am kinder. I am in my moments. I tell people I love them. I HUG. I am less guarded with my emotions, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. Some days I am still a shit. I can be hateful but I try to be the better version of myself everyday.

I am writing this because I am trying to reign in my emotions. I have had a tough couple of days which in all honesty pales in comparison to the last couple of days in life of someone I love, my Auntie T. I love this woman. She is my Mother’s kid sister. She has always been the cool Aunt. The one who took you on adventures when you were a kid. The one who bought you the Christmas gift your parents didn’t know you needed. She took me to have my picture taken by a photographer before I started Kindergarten. I was petrified of the camera. She was so patient. I am part Native American so who knows maybe our ancestors knew a thing or two about soul stealers? When I was a little girl, before my Auntie started a family of her own, she was my magic. There was always something about her, almost like an energy, a force of nature.

As life sometime goes, in the process of growing up you also grow away. Life is a selfish journey sometimes and though no one is at fault we all move in directions that sometime remove us from the people we love the most. My teen years and her own growing family changed our dynamic.  We were busy moving in our own circles. Our lives on very separate paths for a long time…and then my sister died, and my mother was not well. Over the next few years I grew closer to my Auntie again. I guess I never realized just how much she has meant to me until she told me that she needed heart surgery.

My own mother had heart surgery when she was 48 or 49 years old. She almost did not survive. My mother smoked. She was obese. She struggled with mental illness. The real problems with her recovery were linked to a 3 pack a day smoking habit and the amount of psyche meds she was on. She was in a medically induced coma for several days and her body did not want to breathe again on its own.  Eventually my mother got better and after a very long 10 months she was back to herself. The vision of my mom lying lifeless after surgery lives in my memory. Needless to say I was very afraid for my Auntie.

I prayed. Small thing, right? Not for me. Not for the girl who feels invisible, even to God. I was relieved when the text came through my phone that my Auntie had pulled through surgery ok. Maybe just this once God heard me. I went to visit with her today. She is doing well. She is so much more healthier than my poor mother ever was. She has a long recovery in front of her but she will make it. I hope she has many well lived years ahead of her. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. I have always tried to be the best example to my niece and nephews because of my Auntie T. She knows I love her but I don’t think she knows how important a role she has played in my life. Thank you for being you.

You are loved more than you know.

You are stronger than you realize.

I Love You.

 

 

Chasing Rainbows

Can a person find happiness by chasing after it? I spent a good portion of my free Saturdays last Summer chasing happiness. I can tell you I never quite found it. Happiness truly is a state of mind. If you can’t find your inner peace, chasing after it is not the answer. I am tired of running towards empty things that leave me feeling empty.  Situations, people and things that bring me no joy or peace. I find that the older I get the more I question myself about what I am really looking for. I want the quiet that comes after the rain. I want the peace of an early morning before anyone else wakes in the house. I want to feel like what I have in my life is enough. I must learn to be calm and in the moment on my days off from work.

I guess last Summer I was starting to believe the fairy tale I was tossing around in my head that I am old. My mother used to call me “Camille”  because when I was a teenager I was over the top dramatic. I remember feeling like an outsider, and a misfit so maybe that’s how I dealt with those feelings by being a drama queen.

In my headspace old means not useful, needs assistance, not vital. I know, WHAT!?! It has taken me time (too much) to sort of settle back into the gal I know and love. I am going to try my damnedest to stick around for awhile. I have gone back to WWs once again because truth be told right now I need it in my life. I am not going to blog on endlessly about it. I am going to try not to obsess about every tiny morsel I eat but rather live my life without food as my jailer.

 

Where was Mr. Greenjeans when I needed him?

Hockey season is over for this year. I am free from all things hockey, well, at least until October when my life and interests will once again be pushed to the side. Come opening weekend I will yet again participate like the dutiful wife that my husband knows and likes me to be. This off season however, I have made a promise to myself this blog needs to be more joy filled. I am going to try to blog about the grand side of life.

Hubby and I went to Glens Falls NY on Sunday with the Worcester Railers Booster Club on a tour bus. The ride up was over three hours long. Our driver, Captain Kangaroo, had no idea how to operate the air conditioning on the bus. Not a good thing as it was nearly 70 degrees on the ride up and the vents on the bus were clearly throwing out hot air. Being in the throes of menopause (I know there were a few other ladies of my general age on the trip) this made the long ride uncomfortable to say the least.

Of course being the wise ass that I am, I started heckling from the cheap seats. My hubster shot me his angry face that was screaming at me (all be it silently) to behave but as I like to say “women who behave rarely make history” so I ignored him. I sent a text to the front of the bus where my friend and co conspirator of the Booster Club Table was sitting. I kindly asked her to slap the shit out of the bus driver and get us some cooler air for the back. Epic fail.

1.) because my friend has continuous seasonal laryngitis.

2.) It is against her sweet nature to slap anyone no matter how much they might need it.

3.) It was a waste of resources.

Turns out our driver was not a regular for this company but a per diem guy. He didn’t even know how to turn on the free Wi-Fi. I mean WTF!

Eventually we stopped at one of those convenient but not cheap rest stops along the highway. The best thing about these places is they have flush toilets. They should all be called Highway Robbery Stops and number them as they correspond to the direction in which you are traveling like 1 East, 2 East, 3 East. The amount of money these little satellite spots charge for simple things like a cup of coffee or a slice of pizza is directly related to how far away one is from an actual town. I refuse to pay $5 for a coffee that costs $2.50 anywhere else just because I am trapped on a highway. I was happy to be off the HOT bus so I used the time to stretch my legs, use the flush toilets and crack jokes with my friends. In fifteen minutes we were all back onto the EZ Bake Oven and on our way to our destination.

I have never been so thankful to get somewhere.

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I think I am getting too old for this type of shenanigans. Parts of me that I didn’t know I still use, hurt. My hair hurt the next day, my arms, my back, my ass. Too much time spent in a cramped space being slowly roasted by a bus heater. No Bueno. I want to thank my travel companions for the food, the drinks, the laughs, and the memories. I really did have a wonderful time. Until next season ; )