The Tale of the Kiss and the Slap

Or why the pain of rejection lingers. If a magical being flew into your life blessed one palm of a hand with a kiss and the other with a sharp slap which would you remember longer? Most might say the kiss because it was innocent, sweet and well, magical while the other was rude, disruptive and hurtful. Which one? It’s easy…the one that hurt. Pain whether it is physical or emotional tends to linger. We try to figure out what we did to deserve it or we waste energies trying to absolve ourselves. If you are an overthinker, like me, you turn over every minute, dissecting every detail. I have to tell myself to stop obsessing. When I was young and experiencing life on my own without the safety net of family, I did not know how to make friends. It is a skill set that, let’s be honest, we work at our whole lives. If you are blessed to have one close friend in your adult life, that you are not romantically involved with, congratulations! You have won the lottery! Sometimes relationships just stop working. We all enter into relationships because there is something there we are drawn toward. We need (OMG I SAID THE NEED WORD) to feel like a part of a larger picture or there is something we want that we might never have experienced before, or there is a beauty there we fall head over heels for. (THE KISS)

Why do relationships break down? BOREDOM? infidelity, having different life goals, age, maturity ? Yes, all of those things. I am saddened to say that sometimes there are other darker reasons : abuse, neglect, alcohol or drugs, betrayal. (THE SLAP) The relationship must end for the health of all involved. Some are successful with the breakdown while others spiral out of control. I use breakdown because no one feels up after a relationship ends. Well, I never do anyway. I used to be the one to spiral, not anymore. I know what I am worth. I want more for myself than what I used to settle for.

I am also not the same person I was before life slapped me around, lol. I am enough. I am a good person with a big heart. As I sit here writing this I realize that Once Upon A Time that wasn’t true, I was not a good person. I hated myself and things I wasn’t a part of. I carried around anger, hurt, disappointment … like they were accessories for my wardrobe. Often I was rude to people, disagreeable, because I was so unhappy with who I thought I should be instead of just being who I am. My younger sister taught me to see the vulnerability of life. If you look at something hard enough you learn to appreciate the work that went into making it a piece of art. My Dad thought the best of everyone he met, a rare quality. My husband was brave enough to scale my “wall of scorn” to learn who I was. I love him. He loves me. Our life together is no one else’s business. Have your opinions, I live my life. I love my life. I have learned to be a better person because of the people in and around my life.

Everyone who lives has regrets. I have few regrets. I love with my whole being. I am human, sometimes I am a queen sized ass hat. I try to own it all, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. I offer apology when it is offered in return. There have been people in my life who chose to be passive/ aggressive instead of working through a rough patch. I get it. Avoidance means that a person does not have to accept their roll in the souring of a friendship. It makes it easier to sell “the innocent victim roll” to everyone. I have been there and done that. It is an empty feeling because somewhere in middle of all that anger is the truth. Walking away takes strength. It is ok to be sad when you have a loss. Rest a bit, take stock in who you are, where you want to be and then go live your life. Go after whatever sparks JOY for you. GO after it. What ever that IT is.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

3,TRI,TRY,TRIO,TROIS,three

I buy my produce in threes or multiples of three. I am two out of three in a series of siblings. My first name begins with Tri. I have always liked the evenness of this odd number. Prime numbers fascinate me. I was born on the third day of a month. I guess three is my thing. There are many great things about three. It can be a tie breaker. It has the ability to make a heart emoji. Did you know that there are actually three sides to a conflict? There is my truth, your truth and the ACTUAL truth. Perspective is a funny thing.

I am sitting in my office waiting for our Nor’easter to hit. I hate big storms that trap me indoors but there will be plenty of coffee, books, and insipid TV programming to keep me entertained so I should be okay, well, at least that is my plan. In a little while I will venture out to our local convenience store to play this weekends lotto numbers early, stop into the pharmacy to pick up RXs and then to our favorite Chinese take-out place to pick up late lunch vs our usual Friday late night supper. I am happy, maybe even content with what is about to transpire over the next few short days. So far our winter weather has been pretty uneventful outside of the frigid temperatures we seem to keep getting pulled into.

The months in 3s

January is a month of Mondays. February is when I miss her most. March is for Spring.

April is for showers so May can bloom and June brings Summer time… soon

July is my favorite month. August is for long walks at the beach after the tourists have all gone home. September is my hubby’s BDay and our Big E adventure.

October is for all things FALL/and HALLOWEEN! November to be thankful, December is the end until January when it all begins again.

Wait for it…

Lately I have had a lot of things to think about. I am a woman of a certain age (and yes, I hate that phrase) and being in that range I know it is time for me to take steps toward the kind of life I wish to have for my later years. I am getting my 401k into better shape. I have been paying off debt. I am TRYING not to make any new debts. I am mending fences where I feel they should be mended and walking away from things that no longer spark joy. There is something to be said for the wisdom one gains from the pain of being alive.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who was afraid of her own shadow. She hated the silence of a dark night and the loneliness of a rainy day. A short lifetime ago I was that tiny child afraid of almost every thing. We are all born with the same potential for greatness. Circumstance and surroundings change that. No one person is better than any other person. One just has to learn to be brave enough to go after the life they want to live.

I am sitting in a hotel in Gloucester MA composing this post today. I have been waylaid from my midwinter adventure due to a snowstorm. I still managed to cross something off my bucket list. Watching a snowstorm over the ocean. And…if being at the Beauport Harbor is as close to the Atlantic as I can get I am okay with that. I wanted to go someplace warm but with the winter surge of Covid it was tough to get a room with flights that were not getting canceled or moved again and again. I am in unchartered territory for myself. I have never made overnight travel plans for myself before but I am a fast learner. I chose to stay close to home this round. I booked a great room overlooking the harbor. I tried new to me restaurants, Mile Marker One and a great breakfast spot, Mom’s Kitchen. I managed to hit up Zeke’s Place on our arrival. I started following Good Morning Gloucester podcast during my last jaunt to this town in the late Summer of 2021. I am not disappointed. It has been a wonderful resource for finding new spots for me to check in on. Shout out to the locals who have captured my heart.

I want to get my passport. “It does not do well to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” Albus Dumbledore

There is so much more to see before the curtain comes down.

So you might be asking yourself why I warned you to wait for it. Like, what am I waiting for? Well, what are you waiting for? GO LIVE YOUR LIFE! Meet new people, make friends, be kind, love the people in your life. WHY WAIT?

So? What Happens Now?

Life moves forward. After the apologies have been made and the silence overcomes the emotion you know the answer. There is no returning to what once was. An egg can not be unfried. The only thing in the world that returns unto itself is water. So I will move forward. I wish you the best life I truly do. I hope someday the moments we had will make you smile instead of angry but that is beyond my control. Often I find myself smiling over a shared memory or a trinket or an outing we took. Thanks for all of it. Thanks for teaching me how to want more out of my life. For a while a very short while I was not going to post my blog anymore in deference to your anger. BUT… that goes against my principles.

SO? What happens now? I don’t really know. Life only comes at anyone moments at a time. I am at a different juncture in my life. I am setting up for the time when I retire and am able to live apart from a work environment. I am not so worried anymore about if people like me. I am more concerned with how I treat myself. There are plenty of people in the world still left to meet. I am ready for adventure.

SO? What happens now? When you are a part of my life I enjoy every moment we have together, the laughs, the food, the places we go, the things we see. When you are not with me I still speak of you with a fondness for who you were to me. I sometimes still slip and tell people you are my best friend. There is a you shaped hole in my soul. “Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I’m bigger than that , I still wanna see you eat , just not at my table.” Tupac Shakur
― Recognize-the-special-people-youve-been-blessed-to-know

The Light of a New Day

There is a soft sound coming from somewhere near by, sweet and melodious but I can’t discern where it might be coming from. I am in that state between a dream in sleep and waking. I open my eyes. My room is still bathed in the shadow of early morning. My cat is sleeping beside my upper left thigh rolled into a ball, head tucked into tail. I carefully free my arm from the warm layers of blanket it has been cozy in to sneak a quick scratch to the cat. She lifts her head to look at me. I am greeted with a quick chirp. I love this cat. Hubby and I rescued her during the Big Life Shutdown (Covid-19). I can still hear the tune that stirred me. I am able to hear my inner voice quite clearly and I am sure it is me thinking about a song that I just can’t get out of my mind. I am awake in the light of a new day.

Some times life changes in ways that is unexpected and unwanted but it happens so pull up those big girl panties and show up. I am changing. I am not the person I once was. The person I strove to be in my younger years I now find distasteful. I surprise myself with how unready I was to be a grown up. Silly fantasy instead of planning a life. I could have gone to college. I could have been anything I wanted to work for but I chose a different path. I have no regrets. The less travelled road often reaps the best hidden gems; BUT, I can not undo the years where I felt like I was less than everyone. Was I not as intelligent, not as wise, not as beautiful as everyone around me? Maybe but unlikely. What was I? Complicit. No excuses. My sisters and I were raised without much expectation so I rose to that level. I was complicit in my own failure to achieve something greater than I had been exposed to .

I tried to never have any friends. I rarely reached out to family. I liked to pretend I was all alone in my misery. I really desperately wanted to be seen but I was more afraid to experience any more emotional pain. In my adult life I managed to find love and get married. I let my wall of defenses down long enough to allow myself to find love. Life changing in so many good ways. I think it is the real reason I have allowed myself to grow as a person. I was accepted as I was; not as a token to what I might be or what I could become. Just me, warts and all. I have love and I am still married.

People are so simple and yet so complex. We will do anything to make a friend and then everything to make them go away when they get “too close” or a conflict develops. Someone I was once very close with recently told me that over the past few years I had become increasing hard to be friends with. News to me. There were no warning flares, no “hey! you are being a bitch”, no “this isn’t fun anymore”…. just avoidance, from both of us. I think we both knew in the back of our minds that our friendship had seen better days. Our friendship started to feel like an old married couple who don’t want to face the truth of their dead love; we dragged our friendship around, until I made that step. I committed the worst deed. I spoke up. I fancied the idea of chasing after her, to make things better, to right whatever wrong I may have done; but, I stopped myself. I am better than that. I have learned how to say goodbye. I know what I am worth, what my time means to me. I am no longer interested in trivial bullshit I had no hand in creating.

In the light of a new day I know I will make other friends. I know I will let others drift away from me and I will be drifted away from but at the end of my days my life will still be better for all of it. The memories, the laughs, and yes, even the tears. I will miss her. She taught me many lessons, some life changing, some soul burning, some life affirming. You can’t make anyone like you. It has to be a gift freely given. No regrets.

In the light of a new day? I am enough just as I am.

Where Are You Going?

March 3,2021 was a tough day. The sky a beautiful blue with sparse fluffy clouds and just the slightest of winds. Funerals are never on anyone’s to do list. This was a funeral I had to do. Once in a lifetime you are fortunate enough to meet someone that awes you. Once upon a time ago I was aging away from being considered young when I started dating my future (still mine) husband. I was VERY against “meet my parents”, “meet my family”. I could barely handle the oddness of my own family without trying to navigate new folks that ultimately had the power of judgment on their side. I was newly entranced by love. I wanted nothing to do with the possibility of losing him to an unhappy relation who felt I would NEVER be GOOD ENOUGH.

Our first big venture as a couple was to the Big E in Springfield MA. Somehow my future hubster convinced me to go to his Grandmothers house after for Sunday dinner. It was to be the last Sunday gathering there. This old family home was being sold. Nana was getting ready to embrace her new journey into elderly housing. It was on this day that I met Debbie for the first time.

I was asked about myself. I was showed into the house. I was welcomed and I am sure judged by many that day but she herself had an easy smile and a friendly way about her that I instantly liked. She invited my hubby and I to her house many times for gatherings over the years. She never wavered in her manner. She was always gracious to me. I will/do miss her. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. Debbie always made me feel like I belonged. She loved her family very much. I am a better person for having known her. When I find myself in front of her resting place I always stop, say my hellos, and I say a silent hopeful pray that she knows she is loved and is missed.

Hello Darkness,

my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again… Only this time I am the one pulling the strings, not the other way around. There is something going on in the background of my existence. I have been “not feeling well” lately. This whole be in your moments. Be happy in your life. Be grateful. I am trying to be content and adjusted but I am still struggling with the demons of to have or not to have. “it is only a cookie”, “a little bite”, “just this once”, but some times the landslide comes. I tumble down the side of my best intentions. I can feel myself slowly climb back onto the beast of self loathing because I want to give up. NOT TODAY !!! I DO NOT GIVE UP! Instead I choose me, my happiness, my life, my path.

I cannot entertain the silly notions I let loop in my mind. Yes, I am tired; I know I have less miles to go before I can safely exhale and take stock in all that I have accomplished. Today I will pick up my path where I laid my burdens down. Thankful in the journey and all I have learned about myself so far. Fake it until you make it , right ?!?

Why does change hurt so much? yet other times it is like a long awaited sigh of relief? I am unwilling to allow my worst self to take control of my well being. My life, and my perspective in my life has changed. There are days when I am in a constant battle over the joy a memory brings me and the anguish of trying new things. The problem with memories lies in the fact that emotion is what keeps us tied DOWN to them. We as humans try to hold onto happiness by recreating a favorite memory even if it is NOT A GOOD IDEA! Over the last few short years I went from being someone’s bestie to their DEAR friend. AM I happy for her but sad, angry and a little/lot hurt? YES…BUT!!! Our lives have changed. Her unique friendship skills are needed elsewhere. Her children are now mostly grown. I am no longer needed in the ways I once was. There is new found freedom for us both. Truth is; her new bestie needs her more.

She has no trouble finding new friends or new besties. I am not good at making new friends. I do poorly with the small things; sending cards, buying trinkets, remembering tiny details. I love with my heart and soul. I try to make you feel how much you mean to me in our moments. I will do most anything you ask. Movies? Let’s go! Lunch with your IN laws? Sure! Babysit a cat/dog or your house, drop everything to pick up that package from your stoop? Me, that’s all things I am, all the things I do, because YOU have value to me as a person and you are my friend. It hurts to be relegated to a new category. I feel uncomfortable in my new roll. Things I once would have easily shared I now keep to myself. I have found other people to hang out with. I enjoy my new friends but I miss what I once was a part of. I no longer chase anyone for their time. The other thing about change, no matter how badly you want something to be what it once was it can’t ever be. It just doesn’t work that way. The ultimate plan of the Universe? I don’t really know. I do know that there is no such thing as time travel. lol. Time has come for me to stand alone, to find new…?

I didn’t want to like you when we first met. I didn’t think my friend needed someone in his life with a premade family. Of course, I was wrong. I learned to love you. You are smart, beautiful, adventurous, caring, and so many things I admire. I used to joke that I would keep you over him. Funny, how time changes things. There is a season for everything in life, right? ETHFAR

But…we didn’t get to say good bye. WE just stopped trying to be friends.

I had major surgery in May. I am mostly fine but I am now realizing how mentally unprepared I was. I am a woman of a certain age and so menopause? will some day be in my future. I have a female reproductive illness and I had a shitty thyroid so my body is writing its own version of “when I am damned good and ready!” Seriously body stop being such a bitch. Hallelujah! for no hot flashes or sweats but MAJOR BOO for the tears over nothing, the sadness about my aging, the waves of anger I have never felt before, and my scar that I can not unsee! Anger and I have had an off again on again relationship for years so I foolishly thought I could handle these waves of emotion that sometimes feels soul encompassing. WRONG. I am not OKAY! Will I be OKAY? The answer is yes, in time. Right now I am happy treading water. I have done something with my health that I have always been unable to do before. I am making amazing choices for myself so my health gets better every day. I am proud of myself for finally choosing my well being.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS, inquire within

I love to go to museums. I have a huge interest in clothing from bygone eras. I love the theater. I love a good musical. I sing, no joking; all the time. I am no longer apologizing; it brings me joy and peace{kind of like Christmas but without the meaningless gift giving}. I love to adventure : walk trails, hike, shop, sail, browse a good sidewalk sale, drink great coffee, try a new hot spot. I love books, libraries and other centers of knowledge. I compliment complete strangers because being nice matters. I enjoy being amongst people I have things in common with. If any of this appeals to you LMK, K? we could so totally hang out. Who knows we could even end up BFFS? There is a position open = )

DISCLAIMER Some content is meant to be “tongue in cheek” no offense meant.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

It Began With A Tear

It came from a song. I have the hardest time singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” It is not because I don’t know the words or that I can’t carry a tune. This is a song about longing, wanting something, or someone or an event that for some reason you can not have. Or maybe you once had it and now it is gone. Or say as in my case I believe it is where I will someday see the face of my kid sister, long since passed away, waiting for me on the other side of this life. Every time I start this song, I stop myself. I feel my emotion catch in my throat. I feel small, alone, and abandoned. A friend asked me today why I never finish this song. For the first time in a long time I told someone why.

I am a broken soul. Most days with a little flair and a jingle or two most people don’t see through the cloud of smoke I lay out. Loss of a loved one is the toughest things that we as survivors have to live with. Tears spill because love cannot be kept. Sometimes all of that love that I am trying so desperately to contain breaks free from my heart and rolls down my cheek. Love

I never realized until today how often I don’t finish this song. This song reminds me of what once was but is no longer. It is a wish, a dream, a fear, a hope, a wanting. It is beautiful. It is haunting. It makes me happy on a good day and crushes me on a bad day. I have a habit of singing in public without invitation. My quirk, my passion, my link to sanity. I promise you that I can sing. I sometimes embarrass the people I am with but singing makes my soul feel alive. If I can make one other person’s life better even for just a span of a moment I feel like maybe I am seen, that what I do matters, that I have a reason to be. For a very long time after my sister died, I felt empty. Singing changes my aura and fixes my broken.

I try to go somewhere every Saturday. I must start this song every adventure and leave it mid verse. Somewhere in the presence of my own grief I forgot that this song means other things to different people. It is not my song and if I am going to start out on this journey I need to get to the end of the yellow brick road. So live like no one is watching, love with everything you have, make those memories and finish your song.

brain pain, migraine, insane and other disparaging words

STOP! holding your breath and exhale! My head hurts. I live with diabetes. I try my best to control it with diet and exercise but some times it still kicks my ass. This weekend in New England the temperatures were Texas-like but with extreme humidity. All Summer I have been waiting for the vibe of summer to arrive. Well, she finally showed up, dumped her luggage on the lawn, and proceeded in making her presence known. Whenever I push myself too hard my body reminds me that I am indeed mortal and not Wonder Woman ( wouldn’t I love that costuming, lol). I know I drank plenty of water. I stayed in the shade as much as possible but I still feel weak in my knees today. I woke up to hit the lav about 3 am and wham! HELLO MIGRAINE! AND… No one enjoys a migraine. It is now almost 1 o’clock in the afternoon and I am still in my jammies.

I have grown weary of this season. I want the comfort of Autumn. Hoodies, pants, Hocus Pocus. Cool, depressing temperatures that make me dread the onset of winter but it’s what I want today. It is what I need today. I should be out shopping, after all it is TAX FREE weekend here in Massachusetts but I could not care less. Since I am still sporting my jammies I think I will climb back into my bedstead, set the AC to mortuary levels and shut out the world.

LOST

I am out too far. I cannot safely return to the shore. I have many more strokes to execute before I reach the other side. Dark thoughts haunt me as I tread water just managing to keep my head above the swirling darkness. I have come this way many times before. I never manage to make it to the other side…

Have you ever wanted to freeze your perfect moment in time? One of my favorite movie special effects happens with time freeze. All of the action is frozen except for the principle player and maybe one or two other key role players, a theatrical aside. Brilliant; until that is how you feel your life is unfolding. I plod along. I feel like I am finally gaining an understanding into why I rely on food so heavily to keep me happy and then I have an aside. I have been on program this time around for almost two years! I have been doing well. I know what I want. I know I can I break that tape across the finish line, and then I have an aside. I pause the action so I can freeze all the good things that I am doing with my life… so I can have an aside and misbehave.

WHY? wHy! whY?!?

It is late at night and in this moment I am LOST. I am surrounded by people I love who love me and yet I feel singular, alone, one. I feel abandoned, cast away to fend for myself. I blew up at my hubby yesterday over nothing and everything. The battle I rage against is mine and mine alone. I create the walls, the monsters, the self-hatred. THIS IS how my ANXIETY manifests itself. I begin to doubt everything that I am doing. I OVERTHINK the smallest of details. I have a difficult time remembering my worth. I feel like people can see the tears in my fabric, that like a prop I am not real.

I feel the rut of sadness fast approaching. I feel uneasy. I just want to have the strength to stay the course, putt through to the next hole. I head back to work, my regular routines in a few days. I know I will be able to do this. I just need to find a way to be honest when I am feeling overwhelmed. As my kid sister would say, “You are not lost. You just haven’t been this way before. All roads lead somewhere. You’ll figure it out.”

For her I will keep on until I figure it out and I am not lost anymore.