Not My Best = (

I struggle with being patient. I hate to wait. I try to keep my inner rage a secret. Sometimes though it bubbles to the surface, a meltdown starts and I have a mini explosion before I can fully regain my composure. Sorry.

Contrary to my own popular belief, I am human. I make mistakes. I can be hateful, mean and petty. I strive everyday to be better than the worst example of myself. This week has been a bitch. A slight runny nose blossomed into a full blown head cold early Tuesday morning. As I sit here writing I am huffing and puffing through my mouth as my nose refuses to breathe. I am angry and frustrated. I needed this cold to be gone Tuesday night! Last week I missed my Friday night writing deadline for my WWs meeting. Truth be told I was exhausted and emotionally spent. I wasn’t feeling the love for myself or anyone else to sit long enough to capture my thoughts in the hopes someone would feel inspired. I wasn’t feeling inspired. I am sorry. I was not my best.

I sort of tracked this week. I am sure my relaxed attempts will reflect back at me tomorrow from the scale. Am I okay with that? I should be and yet I am not. I need to be at my best to really put forth the effort needed to change a lifelong bad habit of abusing myself with poor food choices. Do you know what happens when I don’t feel my best?  I don’t DO my best. I start to feel sorry myself. If I start listening to the dark voices of my addiction that tell me, “just ONE won’t hurt!” I will be finished. When your addiction is food,” just one more” can ruin every thing you have accomplished.  It is hard for me to be good to myself when I have medicine head. All I really want to do is lie down in the middle of whatever it is I am pretending to do and CRY.

I haven’t cried but I have struggled.  I want to feed my anger and my frustration. I know it is not a great idea.  I am forgiving myself for not being at my best. I am trying to accept that on this journey I will falter and make mistakes. I have learned the most amazing things from some of the mistakes I have had. I will pick myself up, pull up my big girl panties and work through this! I will hold my head up high (my nose runs less this way) I will move forward and carry on. I can do this. I will do this. I want to be in every minute of this journey, bumpy road and all. img_20161104_174522668.jpg

Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant to BE !




A Hangover

for a person who has an eating addiction can be horrible. Eat too much  and your tummy  may not be the only thing that hurts you. I woke up this morning with a full blown migraine, blocked ear and a sour stomach from too much hot sauce. WTF! Will I ever learn?

I am one of those people who talks a good game but is horrible at go time. I will fix my eating habits tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next month and so it goes year after year. Sometimes I let myself win, sometimes I throw obstacles in my path that are tough to move through.

Food is not my problem. I AM.

I want to like myself. I wish I could be comfortable in the who that I am and wouldn’t need to hide behind food. I have wasted so much of my time on being fat. I just want the pain to go away. I want to stop hating myself. The worst thing you can ever do is lose faith in yourself.  I never even taste the food I eat when I am in throes of my addiction. I am trying desperately to numb my emotions. I don’t want to feel anything;  but, I am surrounded by life.

The bottom of the hour glass is filled will the grains of my wasted life. To the casual onlooker it appears to be sand, sadly it is the tiny grains of time that I have let spill away from me unused or wasted on trivial,meaningless pursuits. I know I have less time to write that book, sing that song, love my life, my friends, my family. I feel hopeless. It is not a passing thing. I have fought the way I feel about myself most of my life.

I wasted most of today on self-pity. I have to say I throw a grand party. I blew up all my own balloons and had myself an awesome cry. The toxins from too much sugar are finally leaving my body. I can feel my head clearing. I am still sad but I will soldier on just like I always do.

Until the next hangover    = (