sometimes gets in the way of my 55 years of age. I had a panic attack today. In my life I have gotten myself into some shitty situations because I tend to leap before I look, or plan, or think. In a very short short span of time (6 days to be exact) I will be going on an adventure to of all places to Universal Studios in Florida. Wait, wait for it…without my hubby. I have never been to Florida. The last time I went to an amusement park? Just about 26 years ago in 1994, my kid sister and I took our nephews to Rocky Point Park in Warwick RI. A lot has changed since then.
My inner child decided late Spring of 2019 to be bold. I was out somewhere with my friend Jadira when inspiration hit me. I NEEDED a grand vacation. I needed to see Harry Potter in all its glory. I needed to feel like part of something bigger than myself and my small life. I think a little back story is necessary here just so there is no WTF moment later on.
My Dad always wanted to take his kids to Disney. After my Aunt Mary died in March of 2004, my kid sister and I were going to surprise him. We were going to find a way to get my Dad and his three girls to Disney. We never got to because life often has other ideas. My beloved kid sister died in a car accident, just two months after my aunt passed. I was broken, the family was broken. I struggled for years with my parents declining health. I was never really in a good frame of mind for long. I just sort of lived on the periphery of life pretending to be in my moments, being happy, “moving on “. Don’t get the wrong idea. I had plenty of happy. I have a good life. I love and I know I am loved but grief is like a scarf you can’t take off. It hangs around your neck both easing your pain and causing it. Eventually both of my parents died and I was suddenly free but still a captive.
I wanted to be more for myself so I decided some time ago to work on being better to myself…and that is when my inner child took that leap of faith. I was finally ready to let my soul soar to new heights, to be invested in my well being. I am excited to be flying, to be traveling, to be on an epic adventure but I am also anxious. Over the years I have fallen into the habit of singing in public. I guess you could say it is my therapy animal. Singing is my escape, my solace, my friend. It doesn’t matter if my notes fall flat. It is who I am. It is what I do for me. It can also be highly inappropriate, embarrassing and a burden to the people I am hanging with. I want to have fun on my mini vaca. I want to sing with reckless abandon but it’s not fair to my travel companion or her kiddles. I am feeling anxious because I am trusting the journey. I am not in the drivers seat. I am being in the moment without a safety net.
I have let Jadira make all of our travel arrangements as I have no experience at all in this arena. She is very knowledgeable about destination vacations and all of the manusha that goes with it. We will have the best time.
like a tall glass of ice cold lavender lemonade on a scorching hot day. I think about my Saturday WWs meeting this way; a pause in an otherwise busy life. Once a week I weigh in, find my motivation and strength to face another challenge. Let’s face it life is hectic. Mine is filled with work, hobbies, hubby and various and sundry things I neither enjoy or want to participate in; but, adulting is about doing what’s right. Well, it is if you are trying to be a good adult = )
I have learned that my adventure in adulting is a whole lot easier when I am willing, when I am patient(toughest thing), when I ask questions and when I am honest with myself when I need help. I took a leap of faith in myself last February and walked back into a WWs meeting. I have been trying to go faithfully every week and I am proud to say I have missed only 3 or 4 meetings in over a year! There is more to my success though than meets the eye. I feel like it is time for me to sing the praises of the people I have met at my meeting. Here’s to the women who make my meeting fun, informative, inspirational, motivating, and well worth my time. I have come to know that I can lean on you for moral support when I am feeling low. You never tire of the questions I ask. And let’s face it you offer great advice.
This program would be nothing without your help. Amazing to me that each of you was once on my side of the scale. You overcame the obstacle of SELF. I draw inspiration from you whenever I feel myself sliding. I find myself asking, “What would Kathy do?” or “I want to write a blog post for Danielle!” I worry if Auntie Phyllis is not at my meeting. She may be the sweetest person I have ever met. Is she Okay? I like that Dixie laughs at my weirdness and sometimes gently reminds me to behave when my mischief needs to be managed. Everyone’s life story has its own path but for one hour a week in the early part of my Saturday you join me in my quest to a better self. I owe you a level of gratitude I can never repay. I look forward to our time together. You make me feel like I can accomplish whatever I work for.
Thank you for being the wonderful people that you are.
Life is pleasant unplanned for, wonderment. Growing up I can honestly tell you that I didn’t have many friends. Most of my friends were related to me or were kids in my neighborhood. School can often be a lonely place. If you are different from the norm it can be a brutal battlefield. Open season by others who lack the maturity to realize that it is the person(s) who are different that usually make the greatest effort to be better to you than the shits you hang around with. I survived public school. I was bullied; I became a bully. I am not proud of either experience but I walked away with life lessons I will never forget. I became a strong believer in random acts of kindness. I often sing in the middle of a store, a museum, or town square. I engage people in conversation about the loveliness of the day or an article of clothing that looks nice on them. I embrace my life with a joy I did not know growing up and I am a better person for it. Because I changed my attitude my life changed.
I am blessed to have amazing people in my life. My hubby has taught me so much about myself that I didn’t want to believe was true. I have the BEST bestfriend anyone could ever want. I belong to a book club that is filled with life affirming, positive, intelligent, well spoken females who inspire me. I learn something new about friendship from these ladies every time we meet. I have learned to be comfortable with who I am. Thank you = )
Yesterday I had the pleasure of undertaking an adventure with two ladies I met at hockey. Yes, I said hockey. My hubby is a HUGE hockey fan. As long as there has been hockey in our city we have held season tickets. I am more of a casual fan of the game. Often while hubby is engrossed in the goings on of the game I am being a social butterfly. That is how I met Christine and Allyson. Chris was doing duty at our team Booster Club table and I was trying to annoy her. Instead, I made her laugh (one of my more endearing qualities) I think. Allyson, whom I casually met at a game is friends with Chris. We met during intermission in between periods; a time spent by the diehards, hitting the bathroom, consuming snacks, trading stories about the shared love of the game and gossip. In time we became friendly.
Our first attempt at adventure in the last days of July showed me what great people they really are. Summer can be a busy time, we finagled our schedules to converge so these two could try to teach me all about kayaking. Our adventure day dawned with soaking rains. Time to break out Plan B. I find Plan B helps me to separate the true hearted from the PIAs (pains in the ass); sad but true. A like minded person will be willing and able to adapt to a new course of action and adventure while a PIA becomes like their moniker. Whining ,unless we are going to a winery, is just not cool. I have to hand it to these two. We adventured on. After some thinking we settled upon a walk around The Tower Hill Botanical Garden. We all got in a great walk, met some wonderful older generational people coming to Tower Hill for an event, and talked through a grand spectrum of life events. We found we have a lot in common besides the hockey. While we ate lunch we agreed to meet again before the doldrums of winter make life grey.
Yesterday we all piled into Christine vehicle and made our way to Gloucester, MA to have brunch at Sugar Magnolias. This place held up to my every expectation. I have eaten there once before. I found them just as wonderful this time around. Great food, small town feel, not mad expensive. The girl at the counter even remembered me =) . After we finished eating we headed over to Hammond Castle. We walked around the grounds before going into explore the castle’s secrets. The day was muggy and overcast. The sound of the ocean crashing over the rocks always makes my soul shine. I could have stood in that backyard all day and just watched the ocean but a catering service was setting up for an afternoon wedding and we were in the way. OOPS
We paid the admission and wandered through the castle. I am guessing insulation wasn’t a big thing back in the 1920s. It was stifling hot and the rooms smelled like a tomb. Still we had fun. I even sang in the Great Room and the gift shop. I couldn’t help myself 😉 After about an hour of roaming through the many landings and rooms we decided we needed fresh air and ice cream.
I had a lot of fun and we plan on more adventures soon. Thanks again for a great day.
I try to write something new every Friday night before my Saturday WWs meeting. I usually have ideas filtering through my mind all week, so there really isn’t much of an issue for me to find the right words for how I am feeling. I sit at my laptop and engage you in a (one-sided conversation) like we are together in a room, enjoying a drink and catching up on our busy lives. I didn’t do it this past Friday. I am sorry =( I decided I was on a vacation. Ok, that’s not really true; I was just super exhausted. I fell asleep half undressed before 9 p.m.
I wanted to spend some father /daughter time with my Pops. I decided to take him out of the nursing home for some fresh air and a haircut. Sometimes when I am on vacation I allow myself to get too busy and I don’t spend much time with him. I am not a Spring chick anymore so by the time I returned him safely to his residence I was POOPED.
Hubby and I went to our favorite local pizza joint for our “yippee we are on vacation” supper. “The plan” was to stay up and watch bad TV, enjoy each others company and then go to bed. I altered “the plan” by walking into the bedroom. I wanted to change into my jammies. I had every intention of joining hubby in the living room. My alarm slammed me awake at the ungawdly hour of 5 a.m. I don’t remember falling asleep. I never made it into my jammies, nor did I brush my teefs (teeth). My morning was less than glorious. I wasn’t feeling it. I had made plans with a friend from work to go on a pre-Zombie adventure to Salem, MA. I didn’t want to go to a meeting. I didn’t want to weigh-in. I didn’t want to go on an adventure. I woke up crabby!
It is rare for me to wake up and be in a bad mood. I assure you it does happen, my hubby can attest to it. I talked myself into getting into the shower. I grudgingly ran through my normal morning routine. I pep talked myself into being in a better mood. I talked to myself all the way to my meeting. I was going to make it a great day. You know what? It turned out to be a GREAT DAY!!! Attitude really does have a lot to do with how successful or how much we struggle on this path. Once I made up my mind to be in my moment, crabby or no, my attitude changed.
I logged nearly 15,000 steps on Saturday, the most steps I have ever walked in one day ! Kim and I walked all over that crazy town. Kim graciously took my pic with the Bewitched statue. Cross that one off my bucket list. I am proving many things to myself. I am a force. I can do this. I am having fun while doing this. No one can do it for me. Your life is waiting for you…go find what makes you happy and DO IT! Never give up on the person you are meant to be!
makes us the same.
It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care. Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something : loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.
I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.
I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change. I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me. = )
The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.
You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now. You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
What makes us different makes us the same = ) We can do this Cupcake!
This Saturday I am celebrating a NSV or to the non-Weight Watcher a non scale victory. Last week’s meeting was about support. Everyone should have a good support system in place. It is life’s journey made much more fun and adventurous. It is amazing what happens when you have the support you need. A statement that has never been truer than this week. Most people are a little shy about saying things that need to be said. I have never suffered from this problem. I have often gotten myself into trouble because of it. Surprised? Well, you shouldn’t be.
I have been giving all of my best efforts to myself and this new WWs program. Some moments are really tough. A slide towards the danger zone difficult to steer my way out of. I have talked myself down from the cliff of doom of few times. I nicknamed the weak moments of good Trish/bad Trish, the cliff. I see it as me standing on the edge of a cliff wanting to reach new heights yet finding myself rife with uncertainty. I need to make the choice. Will I be good Trish? and do what’s right for me or will I be bad Trish and choose not to care, jeopardizing everything I am working so hard for? This journey I am trying to always pick good Trish. I find that every time I chose the right thing for myself I am more happy, more at peace, more confident.
It is a wonderful feeling when you weigh-in and the scale rewards you for your hard work. I had a tough week. I barely hung on some days. I was not overly surprised that I was up a little bit. I am still here. I am doing this for the long haul. There will bumps along my way. It is on me whether or not I trip and fall. I am learning new things everyday about myself and my strength.
I have been lucky in my adult life to have a great support system. My hubby, who loves and supports my journey. He is very accepting of the hot mess that makes me the girl of his dreams. Every Saturday morning he gives me a pep talk before I leave for weigh in. My bestie, without her I would wither and die. She brings light to my soul. She makes me laugh. She is my adventure buddy. She is the secretary at my piss and moan sessions quietly “taking notes” until the bullsh*t meter gets too high. She brings me back to reality with a quick quip and the best giggle. She makes me see that not all is lost. The readers of my blog, thank you for all the positive feedback both in person and behind the keyboard. It gives me a sense of accomplishment I have difficulty accurately expressing. The peeps at my WWs meeting, I enjoy every single minute we are together. You make me think, laugh, and sometimes cry. You are a happy thought during my week when things get tough. I can’t lose without you. Only at WWs can you win when you are losing = )
I have never been happier to be a LOSER. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
You were like a Spring rain. Intense with high potential for damage. Just like a storm you left someone else to do the clean up, me. In your wildest dreams I bet you never imagined one little girl could leave behind such devastation. Hearts were broken, lives ruined; and yet the sun came out. The sun always shines after a storm. Even the heavens want the world to know there is light after darkness.
You taught me to be brave. You forced me to embrace my life. You have brought me places I wouldn’t go myself, you made me participate in my own life. All it took was you dying. So very sad , so very true. Why did you self destruct? Why didn’t you try harder to leave him? why didn’t you value yourself like I valued you? why didn’t you believe in the wonder that was you?
I have lost my way without you. I like to pretend I am above my feelings. I am drowning in my own pool of denial. The more I try to lie to myself about how I am doing the deeper the pool becomes. My tiny craft is taking on water. I am unable to bail the water fast enough. I am circling the drain wondering where all my time has gone off to adventure without me.
I am becoming an old lady without you. I used to wonder what that unknown part of me was. I finally figured it out. It’s the shards of my broken heart. Just when I think I am in a good space, I feel their pain as they push against my soul. Your laugh I hear only in dreams. Your smile a faded memory that mocks me from photographs. I miss the sound of your voice. I am afraid if I let you go, I will lose what little I have left of you.
I talk too much. I know it. Anyone who knows me has felt the pain of my inability to just be quiet. I have an opinion about most things. I am oddly happy when I am in the midst of an adventure with my bestie. I talk to people I do not know as if we are life long friends comfortable with each other that only familiarity gives you. I can’t contain my joy; it tends to spill out. I chat up whomever we come in contact with. Today my bestie and I went on a road trip to one of my favorite nearby destinations, Pickity Place a little slice of happy away from the crazy busy world. I love this place.
When we are there I feel removed from all the stresses of adult responsibility. I feel lighter in spirit. We walk the grounds and visit the herb shack and the little gift shops; there are two of them, each with different surprises. I feel like I can relax and draw breath and just BE happy. The staff are wonderful here, friendly and inviting. This place is more than just a unique dining experience. I step through the looking-glass to a time in the distant past before the madness of modern conveniences.
After our luncheon, delicious to say the least, we decided to pop into White Home Collections an old white house transformed into a shopping adventure. Here they offer antique clothing, dishes, furniture and one of a kind objects and objets d’art. Each room a different sellers niche. Beautiful arrangements of the Christmas kind to be found there now. There are even spaces in the attic full of interesting, thought provoking, inspiring items. An artist’s heaven. An antiquer’s paradise a dreamer’s wish come true.
Make someone’s day. Take them on an adventure, make a memory. Talk too much, be in your moment. = )
Our relationship has once again repositioned itself. I tread unfamiliar ground. How childlike my Dad has become in such a short span of time. I was growing so weary in my role as primary caregiver. I never had any real amount of time off from my duties. Dad was ever needy. On his good days though what fun we would have. I like to believe that he looked forward to seeing me everyday. We had a routine. I would come home from work, start coffee, hit the bathroom and get ready to go out the door to Dad’s. Some days Pop even waited long enough for me to be almost done with my afternoon prep before he’d start ringing my phones. He would sometimes call every thee minutes, not absorbing enough info from the first six calls. Some days I would find it amusing, others infuriating. I could always hear the angst in his voice when he was feeling afraid or uncertain. I looked forward to the calls where he would call jovial and mischievous.
Christmas time is not easy for me. I feel alone in the world, without a connection to the family I once had. I felt even more off balance this year with my life and Dad’s being set aflutter on the winds of change. I know in my heart of hearts he is being looked after and taken care of but I miss the old goat. I thought that when the time arrived and the day passed when my phone no longer rang, I would finally know peace. Why don’t I feel that way? Why? I am sad. I am angry. I am suffering from decision remorse. I am having regrets about doing the right thing. You know they say you can’t unboil an egg. I might as well come to terms with what has happened.
I try to go see Dad every night and help him with supper. His face lights up when I enter the room. He always thanks me for coming, like I have been away on a long voyage. I greet everyone with the warmest hello and smile I can muster. The conversation I have with Dad is generally the same every night. How is your old man? How is everyone else? How is work? When can I live with you? Why can’t I go home? Am I sleeping here tonight? How long have I been here? Do I have to sleep in the attic? Do they have a bathroom in here? I reassure him the best I can but I see the pain in his face. I feel he is nervous almost afraid. It is hard for me to cover my own misgivings about this new adventure we are on. I sing for him. I hold in my tears. I joke with him. I owe him so much. I love him. I give him what I have; me. I hope it is enough.