The Road Untraveled

I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.

 

Whatever Just Wash Your Hands

img_20190212_1744231401245892.jpg The times they are a-changin’. I have been fighting my own personal battle with depression??? for just over a year. I don’t feel sad all the time; I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know how else to articulate how I am feeling.  My journey down into the abyss of menopause has been uneventful yet full of emotion. I hate when I cry. Somehow though I have become really good at it. Dropped a hat did you? The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish? family commercial on TV about Al Fresco cooked chicken sausage, yup tears, WTF?

Last year before Christmas I was doing so well. I had lost 60 pounds. I was feeling like I was living my best life and then just like that…snap
shit changed. My MIL was recovering from hip replacement surgery. I volunteered to host Christmas at our house. I never should have suggested it. I let myself become overwhelmed. I turned to my old stand by FOOD. Food never lets me down. I can not resist her charms. Once I start placating myself with treats, I spiral. I gained back almost all of the 60 pounds I lost between December of 2017 and October of 2018! WHY? why will I never learn? I was even dumb enough to host Christmas again this year. HELLO! DUMBASS! Just stop doing this to yourself.

I am fearful of posting the link for my blog on FB anymore. I used to feel safe in the knowledge that I could just be me but my MIL now has an account on social media. I know there is no expectation of privacy on social media but at least I was safe from her prying eyes. Now I feel NAKED. She can see everything. I did not accept her friend request much to the anger of my hubster. She will not understand. She will take it as an attack. It’s not. No matter what I choose to do it will be the wrong choice. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it will happen.

I became the ambassador of adventure, sometime during the summer of 2018. In the midst of my semi-funk I decided that my bestie was too busy to hang with me so…I cheated on our friendship with gals from work. I planned a different adventure almost every Saturday from July to October. I drove, played tour guide, museum curator and foodie extraordinaire. Newport RI mansions, Gloucester’s Hammond Castle and sea shore, Maritime Salem and Hocus Pocus shenanigans. What a whirlwind! that did absolutely nothing to get me out of my funk…amok

Don’t get me wrong it’s not the company. You’ve all been great fun…and oh the fun we’ve had. I am a little broken at the moment. I will be hosting adventures again this year. Why? because it feels wonderful to get away from the muck and boredom of everyday life. I will get my groove back. I refuse to give up. I am trying to find my way back to the happier version of myself.

I have gone back to WWs.  I am sure as soon as I apply myself to the task at hand, relax,  do what I know works I will be back on track. To the people in my life who never give up on me, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my everything. (The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish?) freakin’ menopause, smh!

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!!!!

TEN

On a scale of one to ten please rate your pain today. The little smiley/sad faces on the chart at the doctor’s office are there to help you express how you are feeling. You have the oil changed at your local car dealership or lube shop and they want you to fill out a survey. On a scale of one to ten  with one being the lowest score how would you rate your visit today? Were you satisfied, somewhat satisfied, depressed, ecstatic or just plain giddy? Questions, questions, questions. How am I ? I feel wonderful, alive and at peace. I am in a good place right now. I plan on enjoying this journey back to me. I am learning to live my life again. I am making better choices. I feel like I have new avenues to explore and adventures to take part in. I am watching my confidence bloom into an amazing bundle of hope. With hope anything is possible.

I had a great week. I guess I had my first real “feel good” non scale victory. I logged all of my food and all of my sins. I chose more than once not to take the easy way out by grabbing a fast snack. I am planning out more of my meals. I have returned to the all important making of shopping lists. I am reading my labels with better understanding. I am scanning labels I am unsure of and making educated purchases. Damn, it feels good. All it took was a glimmer of self belief. You really can start a fire with a spark.

I love getting up early on Saturday mornings to go to my meeting. I have promised myself to go and to stay for my meeting each week. So far so good  =  ) I have challenged myself to join water aerobics and buy a waterproof fitness band. I am trying to move more.

On a scale of one to ten? Yes, I am a TEN and not just two fives in the wrong place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.