The time has come to pick up the pieces of my life once again, pull up my big girl panties and continue on from where I left the ride. The sad reoccurring theme to my life, the never ending cycle of circular logic. I EAT BECAUSE I AM ANGRY, I AM ANGRY BECAUSE I AM DISAPPOINTED. I FEEL SAD FOR FAILING, I AM SAD SO I EAT WHICH MAKES ME ANGRY WHICH MAKES ME EAT… it never ends.
I guess the real question should be why? Why do I always stop myself from completing my journey. When did I decide I had to “fix” myself? I don’t know but I was a young girl possibly second or third grade. I think that would have put me in the eight years of age range. I am so tired of not being enough for myself. I am a good person. I like to think I am the type of human you might want to hang with. I have excellent communication skills. I love to laugh. I love with my whole being. I am tender hearted. Jeez zus ! I sound like an ad for a shelter animal. “Trish is a sweet old girl who is good around people. She is potty trained. She would do well in any home situation…”
I need to STOP trying to fix myself, relax, be in my life the way I want to be. I would love to move onto the next phase of my life’s journey. You know what phase I am talking about? That place in your psyche where you finally feel at home with yourself? Boldly facing the world and its haters; telling them to go fuck themselves. I don’t need to change! I am beginning to realize that sitting through every WW meeting waiting to learn something new about food and its role in my life is foolish. Food is my drug of choice. Meeting or no the only true way out of this hell I live with is to work through it. No shortcuts, no lying to myself, no eating crap like I am a kid at a candy store.
Learn to alter my behavior for once not my clothes. Live through and experience all of it; the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, the joy, the exuberance, the love. I wasn’t kidding when I told you that while I may wander from my place in line, I will never leave the parade until the last float crosses the finish line.
Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE. = )
It’s me, not you. I’ve changed. What is it about change that people hate? Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word. Let’s go with strongly dislike. Change is not a bad thing. It has a terrible reputation. Without change things would become boring, routine, mundane. Life is messy. It never comes wrapped in a tight little package with instructions that say: just add hot water, cover, let stand for 5 minutes and then enjoy. That only happens with Ramen noodles and there is nothing good about that. Let’s be honest.
Change is scary. Change is intriguing. Change is inevitable.The seasons change. As we age we change. New love changes into something life long and wonderful or divorce depending on life circumstance. Change equals growth. It takes courage to change.
I’ve changed. I decided it was my time. It was time for me to stand up for the lost soul I allowed myself to become and reclaim my life, my way. I walked back into WWs because I deserve to treat myself better than I have in the past. I walked away from bad habits. I am no longer willing to be afraid of change. In fact, I embrace it. I have grown. I am better at giving hugs and taking them as well. I am better at stopping to think about why something is making me angry or tense or nervous. I am learning to let go of things beyond my direct control. Sort of a cosmic live and let live attitude, I guess. I was willing to take a chance on myself one more time. Take a chance on yourself. Change just one thing and watch where it will take you.
It started out with a touch of discomfort. My throat was dry and scratchy, my ears itchy, my eyes weepy; I thought to myself, “wonderful ! my Spring allergies have decided to rear their ugly head, ERGH !” I was determined though. I had just left my morning WWs meeting feeling UP. Today I had plans and no amount of impending allergies was going to keep me DOWN. I felt it was time to take the plunge and say good bye to my double digit underpants. I was treating myself to some well deserved new SMALLER undies.
No one likes to talk about under garments. The conversation gets smaller the larger you are. Pun intended. No girl I know wants to talk about their size or that they may have to specialty shop for foundation things. Well, I am here to change that. I was brave enough to face myself at the scale now I need to learn to have faith in the power of me and try on new clothes. I am not going to lie to you. I was nervous. I hate any kind of clothes shopping but I’ve made a promise to be better to myself. I am happy to report that after nearly an hour of self-doubt, with an ever rising anxiety level; I made my selection of not one but two packs of brand new smaller DIVA approved undies. I am worth it. = ) I have lost enough weight that I have moved DOWN the size scale.
Yes, they fit; and better than I thought they would, too! Yeah ME ! Atta Girl !
My allergies turned into a full blown Spring cold. I had fever, chills,and a general feeling of despair paired with the worst case of self-pity I have ever had, but I got over my bad self. I want this. I tracked all week. I planned the best I could. I tried very hard to keep my head in the game. I did it.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.