Tag: believe

I Believe I Can…

kidtrishLeave a comment

WWs has decided to end the virtual Sunday morning meeting I attend. I am not happy about their shortsightedness. I have wanted to leave the WWs for sometime now, thanks for the assist corporate overlords. I have never been a fan of large meetings. I enjoy a smaller assemblance of people who are struggling with the same issues that I am. Smaller meeting sizes ensure that every voice has a better chance to be heard. Every participant feels included, valued, really seen. I feel like we became framily. I have made many friends over the years from my meetings. The corporate overlords have once again made the mistake of thinking that they know what I need better than I do.

The time has come for me to leave the nest. All these years I have been preening when I could have been flying. If this pandemic has taught me anything it is that I am stronger than I knew. I can lose weight. I am able to stick to a regimen of better food choices. I am capable of great things. It is all in my mindset. Negative thoughts and actions bring more negativity to a life. Positive thoughts and actions bring positive things. Life is about balance. Have I grown up? LOL! I have learned to ask for help when I need it. I am determined to see myself succeed. I am worth all of my best efforts. Today may very well be the last meeting I attend. The internet is full of FREE apps to track food intake, exercise, mental well being. I have taken steps to make my life better. I let go of some toxic people and toxic feelings I was holding onto. Maybe WWs is becoming toxic for me. The time to take a chance on myself has come.

I stayed at WWs all these years because I was afraid to fly. I didn’t trust my journey. I have confidence in my own power. I am not afraid. Let the journey take flight on a new path.

I GOT THIS

I am, am I?

kidtrish1 Comment

Life is a strange journey. Last June I decided to stop being an ass, embrace my inner thin chick, make an unquiet peace with her, and try to get back to the business of losing weight so I can keep my good health. OH MY GAWD what was I not thinking? It has been a frustrating, sad, heart wrenching time in the world. Some days so filled with fear, apprehension and uncertainty that I can easily become anxious about every little thing. Yeah I know, preach. I am finding it very difficult to stay in the moment, to enjoy the peace that surrounds me.

A few years ago I used to blog about my weight loss. I learned a lot about high expectations from that failed exercise ( see what I did there{{{wink, wink}}} ?)! The pressure I put on myself to keep succeeding when I didn’t feel like circling the block anymore got to be too much and just like that [a quick snap of my fingers] I was back to being the “fat girl” with a killer smile, a quick line, a song … and a broken heart. I say broken because every time I walk away from the version of myself where I feel I belong a little more of who I know I am disappears.

The odd thing about losing weight is I know how to do that. It is staying in the mindset of healthy habits difficult to maintain. I have struggled all week with feeling enough. Am I doing enough? Am I enough? Have I exercised enough? ENOUGH of ENOUGH! I promised myself that on this leg of my life’s journey I would not give into that little girl lost that lives in my head. I AM ENOUGH! A mountain can not be climbed without effort. NO more obsessing. It is unhelpful, it is unhealthy, it is soul crushing. I deserve more from myself, for myself. I have always been enough. The scale does not define me! I DO!

Today for the first time I got to see “The Greatest Showman” on Disney +. I know I am late to the show( no pun intended) but that is what happens when you are afraid to go to a movie by yourself and no one else you know wants to see a musical. Live and learn but if you are a believer in everything happens for a reason then I wasn’t meant to see this movie until today.

The song THIS IS ME is me. I needed to hear those words. So often in my life I have felt like I was too broken to be valued, to have value. I was starting to slide back into that feeling…but an odd thing happened on my way to giving up on myself and it all started with a song. This journey is long. This journey is tough BUT I AM WORTH the journey! This is ME!

I have learned that I am not on the road by myself. Asking for help makes the journey easier to shoulder. I am strong. I am brave. I am. I can and I will…succeed, keep on keeping on, being in my moments, loving my life and all the wonderful people that help to make it worth the ride.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

Janus Man

kidtrishLeave a comment

JanusMeans “archway” in Latin. Janus was the Roman god of gateways and beginnings, often depicted as having two faces looking in opposite directions. The month of January is named for him. January is the month of reflection. We all look back on the year that is leaving and we worry about what is rounding the corner of what will become the new year. I stopped making New Year resolutions before I was out of my teen age years or did I? That is a question I have been chewing on since mid- December. I think my life long resolution remains; be the best version of yourself everyday!

In my heart of hearts I know I am a good person. In the words of Popeye,” I yam what I yam.” Popeye poster I refuse to waste anymore time on the year that has just ended. My life is not a script. There are no re-writes to be handed in, no rehearsals for opening night. This is it kid, your life in glorious Technicolor. I don’t always like the path I am traveling on. I whine. I complain. I cry. I carry around resentment like a toy poodle in a hand bag. I get so sick of myself I want to be anyone but ME. No matter where I try to run I am right there with ME baffled by own stupidity. I have had enough. I will not continue to punish myself for my shortcomings anymore.

I have finally accepted that I actually prefer to eat clean rather than to bog myself down with JUNK. It is okay to be kind to yourself. You are the only copy of the book called This Is Your Life. Below please find the love letter I have in my heart.

Dear Trish,

You have an amazing capacity for love, share it. You are friendly and welcoming to everyone around you; learn to be kinder to yourself. You give everyone else the chance at making things better. Extend the same patience to yourself. A smile and a heart felt compliment does more for a person’s soul than any amount of chocolate. Celebrate all the wonderful things that make up your life. You have great friends. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. Stop under estimating your ability to be the best example of yourself. Embrace who you are, look at where you have come from, make plans to get through the obstacles on your path and play on. You just have to BELIEVE in the power of you. Kudos to you for getting out of bed today = ).

Love….ME

I showed up today. I went out this morning in the gusty winds and drove myself straight to my favorite Saturday morning WWs meeting. I swallowed my pride and stepped onto the crusher of dreams, (key music), the Scale.  Guess what? The world has not ended or stopped turning. I was angry for a few minutes but I have to accept what I have done to myself once again in the guise of “taking a break”, “relaxing” or any of a hundred other excuses I could use. The time has come for me to pull up my Big Girl panties, dust myself off and return to my spot in the grand parade.

I did not enjoy my time away from program as much as I convinced myself I would. I really hate the way craptastic food makes me feel and look. When I stick to my version of the WW program, the things that work the best for me ; ), I am a much happier person. I am more positive in my approach to the world and its human beans. I like myself more. Eating in a healthy way helps me to live a better life for myself and the people in my life.
My road is long and arduous, the scenery (me) beautiful. I am making my journey worth every step I make.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be…EVER

Wise on Whys

kidtrishLeave a comment

I am honest. I am real. I try to be true to myself. Sometimes I pitch a fit and I am not kind to myself. I have never been able to figure out why I can’t be my own best friend but I  can’t. I have been trying for so long to accept myself, to like the person I am, and to be at peace with myself that I forget that once upon a time I was all those things. Children are wonderful at knowing who they are. Sadly most of that awesome self acceptance and awareness gets changed by adults who think they know better.

Once upon a time in small town America there lived a little girl with golden hair, a cherub face and a soul filled with the lightness of being. I am cursed with a memory that holds onto useless info as readily as a wrapper holds a candy. With knowledge comes power, sometimes that power is not a good thing. I was a golden child until I started school.I was happy to live in ignorant bliss, public education changed all that. My childhood in a nutshell, before going to school, I was precocious. I asked a lot of questions. I was encouraged to be bright and full of life. With the coming of age I was  required to be educated. Off to school I went, only to find out there were queues to stand in for everything, no one cares if you are bright, no one wants you to be full of life; they want you to be compliant, obedient.

And that’s where all the fun and frustration began…I lost my sense of awe. I stopped wanting to know why.

I have decided that I have had enough of being a jerk to myself. I stopped thinking about my whys. Every time I allow myself to forget my whys I fall flat on my face. One would think that at my age I would be wiseR but I am not. I have always sorted out my feelings by trying to hide them. Why? I have a right to experience how I am feeling yet I try to suppress or deny them. Why? My response to raw emotion is not pretty. I have never learned to find peace in the chaos. I was not allowed to “feel” my way through sadness or stress or anger. I found other coping skills. FOOD:  my lover, my enemy, my friend, my partner in crimes against crumbs.

I have learned many things about myself and this crazy WW program that I try (yes, sometimes I actually try) to live with. Nutella is not my friend neither is any other processed carby junk food which hates me but makes me crave for its attention. I often struggle with my whys. I started obsessing with my being overweight so many years ago now that I am not sure my original reason why is still valid. I have come to a place of understanding that I do not need to be a size 8 to be happy or to be loved or to be friended or valued. I know those things are not my WHYs.

Why do I worry about my whys? What are my whys? Do have any whys? The answer?

I WANT… to be a better example of myself. I WANT…truth over lies. I just WANT to be happy with the person I am and the honest effort I put into being me everyday. No strings, no promises, no bullshit. I WANT…to be able to breathe, to climb a flight of stairs (without going into cardiac arrest), to button jeans [without having to stuff my muffin top into the pockets], to let go of self loathing because hating myself is easier for me than love. I WANT to remember how wonderful it felt being that little girl who knew her whys. I love the way I feel when I eat food I don’t have to be angry about or worry over its negative effect on my health. When I eat/drink the right things I am not thirsty from diabetes. I don’t crave more junk. My moods are better. I like being with me. I am more optimistic in how I approach every single day.

I am over feeling angry about the program changes that have once again tipped my cart over. There are bigger concerns in my world. Today I found the path again that led me back to my WHY.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Did You Miss Me?

kidtrish1 Comment

I apologize. I missed my usual Friday night musings about me, myself and I. Our house break-in happened on the afternoon of October 6th. The complete nerve of that douchekabob who broke into my house and shattered my FALSE sense of security.  Lessons have been learned. My eating habits are a new kind of messed up. I have been crying with no true reason to connect to. This must be what post traumatic stress is kind of about. My “bad experience” was really on a mild level compared to others in the world who have had to live through hell.  Life rolls on even when we are not ready. My hat is off to the wounded in the world for getting up everyday and facing their reality.

I taught myself years ago to be a stress eater as a way of containing my emotions. How do I control anger? Numb it with ice cream. How do I control fear? Subdue it with hot and spicy whatever. How do I combat loneliness? Vast quantities of sweet :  cookies, pie, M&Ms, trail mix. I battle my sadness with writing and tears. I apologize but some of my best writing happens because I am SAD. I swear it is a funky type of sadness that follows me, haunts me, keeps me searching for the correct combination so I can own the key to self-acceptance. Why have I never learned to like myself? Why?

I have choices. I can continue on my current path(not a good idea), I can find the path I was on(Okay, but really needs some excitement), or I can forge a new path(winner, winner chicken dinner!). I stood in my bathroom for a long time tonight looking at my old self in the mirror. I deserve more than I give myself. I want more. I am tired of basing my self worth and my self esteem on my fucking dress size. I don’t even wear dresses!  More importantly why do I know so many other women who feel just like I do? I often have women tell me that they feel like I am inside their heads. How do I mirror how they feel? The more we think we are different from others around us the more we come to realize just how similar we are.

This is for the women in and around my life. You are worthy. You are loved. You are needed. You are everything wonderful to someone in your life and you might not even know it. Stop hiding who you are and what you want. Be kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are stronger than you know. Embrace that little girl who lives in your soul. She holds all of your JOY.  Just BELIEVE! We all have the power to fly we just forget sometimes that we control the WINGS! You are beautiful!

Tonight I do. Actions not words. I can tell you that I am going to turn on the lights but if I don’t move from my chair I will still be sitting in the dark. I will do better for myself from this point on. I will return to the gym. I will return to WWs this Saturday. I will, actions not words.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

A better use for an ancient torture device.

 

You Are My Obsession…

kidtrishLeave a comment

I sit here at my laptop week after week. I spill my heart out all over the place. I never tell anyone the whole truth just the parts I think you might want to look at. How do I always find myself back at the one place I loathe? I am filled with dread. I have to learn to stop being my favorite subject. I am obsessed with myself and what is wrong? with me. Look at me. Let’s talk about me. I am sad. I am angry, I am…, I am…

REALITY CHECK blogging can be very one-sided; sometimes the truth is that I don’t want to talk about me.

Enough!

It is time for me to do other things with my free time. Something constructive instead of destructive. I went back to the YWCA. I purchased a membership for a 13 week run. Today I went to the gym to get a schedule and register. I walked around the place to see what has changed. More than a few years ago (2008) I joined the Y and went to aqua aerobic classes with Mrs. Cooper. She was a great friend to me. I got a little teary eyed today in the locker room remembering how much we laughed, how much fun we had. She was a sweet soul. I really miss her. She changed my life in so many ways. She helped me to believe in myself.You don’t need to be aware that your kindness changes another human being for the better; just be happy in the knowledge that you can make a difference just by being YOU.

I left the Y feeling like I am now going in the right direction. I need to get back to taking better care of myself. I did not try this Summer to be an honest WW. I allowed myself to bend the rules. I stopped doing everything that helps me to be successful. I am ready now for the next leg of my life journey. I got this!

I would also like to clarify something for my fellow WWs. Never be embarrassed about weight that you have “reclaimed”. Everyday you are given is a chance to learn something new and wonderful about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can give up or you can get up. It is your choice and your choice alone. Some days I don’t want to adult either but eventually I return to myself, my dreams, my hopes for a better day because I AM WORTH it.

Never Give Up ON The Person You Are Meant To BE! See you at the pool!

SWIM swim Swim
soul shine
because you are worth it

My UnBirthday Project

kidtrishLeave a comment

As I have told you before, I am not a big fan of my birthday. Like the witch that she is, my day, lived up to all of my low expectations (I never set the bar too high). Being the bigger personality, I have called a truce with myself over my losses. I have started an UnBirthday Project. I am now trying to make or buy small gifts to randomly hand out to people I enjoy. So we can share a genuine moment with no strings attached.  I want to spread some good vibes around. A little something nice in a not so friendly world. Nice matters. Because there are not enough people in the world who smile freely or share of themselves like they won’t get hurt. If you build your walls too high only the thorns thrive, just ask Sleeping Beauty ; )

A few weeks ago I dropped my first gift. Tomorrow is another chance to gift someone some beauty. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

IMG_20170811_171022931

Who knows YOU could be next!

Avalanche

kidtrishLeave a comment

I don’t always know what to do. I am the first one to admit that. Why people take it upon themselves to believe otherwise is beyond me. They are only fooling themselves. I went to my WW meeting last week. I was down at the scale. Usually that is enough to make me happy and ready to face my next week. I guess a few things have been feeding off of my psyche lately. People hearing me yet not listening to a word I say.  Me returning the favor in kind. It happens. I plan on being in my day, everyday but some times I catch myself not really being where I am supposed to be. That’s when my conversations sound more like yes, Dear. Yes, I am listening, uh huh….yada yada yada but I am the guilty person not really listening. I hate when I do that. I hate it more when I am full in the knowledge that I am doing it.

I am trying to live in a small space of happiness that I create for me. I am still struggling over the loss of my beloved Pops. The rush of powerful emotions that bubble up to the surface before I can stop the well of tears is ripping me apart. My frantic swim against the roll of the tide started Saturday afternoon and finished sometime Tuesday. I crawled back to a set of bad habits looking for comfort. Surprise there was no comfort, only anger at myself for making a really bad choice. avalance1 I have been desperately trying to stay above the onslaught of debris. I feel like I just barely survived an avalanche. Once again I found myself at the edge of that cliff. Do I keep climbing to get to my goal? or is it time to turn tail and head back to base camp to lick my wounds? I was going to quit. I know how to quit. I am rather good at it, actually. It is not what I want for myself anymore.

Should I stay or should I go? It is equally difficult to choose either path. Quitting something comes with a certain level of relief, anger and grief. The last time I quit this weight loss journey was nearly ten years ago. Ten years I have floundered. Ten years I have been hating myself. Why? because I quit. I disappointed myself. Continuing my quest to my version of a better me also a hard sell. Taking personal inventory,checking supplies and getting up the steam to hit the trail again also comes with new doubts and fears. I have decided my best chance of being happy lies with continuing my journey forward.

Never under estimate the power of a kind word or two. At my lowest point this week someone told me how good I am looking. They commended me on the hard work I am putting in. Those words came to me when I needed them the most. I am going to try something new this trip around; I am not going to quit.  I try very hard to be happy, confident,welcoming and full of joy even though some days it is the farthest thing from the truth. I am not the only person in pain. I don’t want that pain to define who I am. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am strong. I am brave. I do have the right stuff. I am beautiful, just breathe and BELIEVE!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

Almost

kidtrish1 Comment

I almost didn’t make it… I almost called you…I almost made the biggest mistake of my life…I almost…

Once a few short years ago I ALMOST made it to goal but I gave up. I was tired of just being out of reach of that magic number. I was scared of being “normal.” I was losing belief in myself to survive maintenance. I felt very conflicted about the “new” me.

What makes this time around different? Simple answer : ME

I am handling myself much better now than I did before. I believe in what I am accomplishing for myself. I am trying to stay positive. I forgive myself when I falter. I am trying not to drive my framily crazy with constant chatter over my lifestyle changes. I am having fun. I am jumping at the chance to partake in the world around me like I have never done before.  I am having the time of my life. I think they call it “FUN”!?!

Adulting is hard. It is the tough job. The vacation schedule sucks and often there are not enough carefree days. I have accepted that what I am doing is the best course for me to achieve a healthier lifestyle. I have accepted that I CAN NOT trust myself around certain foods or food situations. I have accepted that there is no FINISH LINE or complete date. I am a work in progress and will remain so the remainder of my days. But don’t we all have things we are working on?

Last week I was kind of pitching a party tent for myself. I knew I was heading for a plateau so I dusted, got myself ready to set up camp to stay awhile, but a funny thing happened on my way out of my meeting. I felt like it was time to go after it,to keep moving forward so I did. I put more moves on my Jawbone this week than I have in a long time. I went on two adventures. I had a great week. I may make stops along my way but there is no stopping me.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be =  ) Journey on!

Just a Number

kidtrish1 Comment

because you are worth it

I think often in our quest to a better version of ourselves we forget we are more than just a number. THAT ugly number you start with is really a stepping stone on your way to a happier, healthier you.  What brought me to Weight Watchers may not even be close to the reason you joined. That is the great thing about each of us. We are alike yet we stand apart. Unique in our own way.

I was on vacation this week. I am not good at relaxing. I am not always good at adulting either but I never give up. I tried to approach this week from a different view point. I didn’t plan out any of my meals. OH NO! I didn’t “Karenize“. I just went with the flow. You know what? I am Okay. I feel good about the choices I made for myself this week. I didn’t grub down and fill myself with foods I have been saying no to. I stayed on plan as much as I could. I went out to dinner with my hubby. I spent time with my Dad. I read. I watched some TV I have had saved on our DVR for eons. I was IN my moments.

I am more than a number on a scale. I will face whatever the outcome of my choices have led me to. I am worth my journey. I believe in myself. I CAN do anything I set my mind to. Winning this war is about coming prepared for the battles.  I used to be my biggest obstacle like a rockslide in the middle of the road. I got in my own way. I blocked my path. I have since made peace with myself.  This week I focused on the positive things I see in myself, Non Scale Victories, intangible but powerful. I ran up three flights of stairs, without stopping(not out of breath). I walked the long way around to my doctor’s appointment. My face looks thinner when it stares back at me from the mirror. I have “found” my collar bones  =  )  I have more energy. My mind is more focused.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Choose to be happy, to believe in yourself. Trust that you are learning how to live a better way. You are more than a number my friend, you are amazing!