Hello Darkness,

my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again… Only this time I am the one pulling the strings, not the other way around. There is something going on in the background of my existence. I have been “not feeling well” lately. This whole be in your moments. Be happy in your life. Be grateful. I am trying to be content and adjusted but I am still struggling with the demons of to have or not to have. “it is only a cookie”, “a little bite”, “just this once”, but some times the landslide comes. I tumble down the side of my best intentions. I can feel myself slowly climb back onto the beast of self loathing because I want to give up. NOT TODAY !!! I DO NOT GIVE UP! Instead I choose me, my happiness, my life, my path.

I cannot entertain the silly notions I let loop in my mind. Yes, I am tired; I know I have less miles to go before I can safely exhale and take stock in all that I have accomplished. Today I will pick up my path where I laid my burdens down. Thankful in the journey and all I have learned about myself so far. Fake it until you make it , right ?!?

Why does change hurt so much? yet other times it is like a long awaited sigh of relief? I am unwilling to allow my worst self to take control of my well being. My life, and my perspective in my life has changed. There are days when I am in a constant battle over the joy a memory brings me and the anguish of trying new things. The problem with memories lies in the fact that emotion is what keeps us tied DOWN to them. We as humans try to hold onto happiness by recreating a favorite memory even if it is NOT A GOOD IDEA! Over the last few short years I went from being someone’s bestie to their DEAR friend. AM I happy for her but sad, angry and a little/lot hurt? YES…BUT!!! Our lives have changed. Her unique friendship skills are needed elsewhere. Her children are now mostly grown. I am no longer needed in the ways I once was. There is new found freedom for us both. Truth is; her new bestie needs her more.

She has no trouble finding new friends or new besties. I am not good at making new friends. I do poorly with the small things; sending cards, buying trinkets, remembering tiny details. I love with my heart and soul. I try to make you feel how much you mean to me in our moments. I will do most anything you ask. Movies? Let’s go! Lunch with your IN laws? Sure! Babysit a cat/dog or your house, drop everything to pick up that package from your stoop? Me, that’s all things I am, all the things I do, because YOU have value to me as a person and you are my friend. It hurts to be relegated to a new category. I feel uncomfortable in my new roll. Things I once would have easily shared I now keep to myself. I have found other people to hang out with. I enjoy my new friends but I miss what I once was a part of. I no longer chase anyone for their time. The other thing about change, no matter how badly you want something to be what it once was it can’t ever be. It just doesn’t work that way. The ultimate plan of the Universe? I don’t really know. I do know that there is no such thing as time travel. lol. Time has come for me to stand alone, to find new…?

I didn’t want to like you when we first met. I didn’t think my friend needed someone in his life with a premade family. Of course, I was wrong. I learned to love you. You are smart, beautiful, adventurous, caring, and so many things I admire. I used to joke that I would keep you over him. Funny, how time changes things. There is a season for everything in life, right? ETHFAR

But…we didn’t get to say good bye. WE just stopped trying to be friends.

I had major surgery in May. I am mostly fine but I am now realizing how mentally unprepared I was. I am a woman of a certain age and so menopause? will some day be in my future. I have a female reproductive illness and I had a shitty thyroid so my body is writing its own version of “when I am damned good and ready!” Seriously body stop being such a bitch. Hallelujah! for no hot flashes or sweats but MAJOR BOO for the tears over nothing, the sadness about my aging, the waves of anger I have never felt before, and my scar that I can not unsee! Anger and I have had an off again on again relationship for years so I foolishly thought I could handle these waves of emotion that sometimes feels soul encompassing. WRONG. I am not OKAY! Will I be OKAY? The answer is yes, in time. Right now I am happy treading water. I have done something with my health that I have always been unable to do before. I am making amazing choices for myself so my health gets better every day. I am proud of myself for finally choosing my well being.

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS, inquire within

I love to go to museums. I have a huge interest in clothing from bygone eras. I love the theater. I love a good musical. I sing, no joking; all the time. I am no longer apologizing; it brings me joy and peace{kind of like Christmas but without the meaningless gift giving}. I love to adventure : walk trails, hike, shop, sail, browse a good sidewalk sale, drink great coffee, try a new hot spot. I love books, libraries and other centers of knowledge. I compliment complete strangers because being nice matters. I enjoy being amongst people I have things in common with. If any of this appeals to you LMK, K? we could so totally hang out. Who knows we could even end up BFFS? There is a position open = )

DISCLAIMER Some content is meant to be “tongue in cheek” no offense meant.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE