Thoughts…

that I am thinking at about 4 a.m. Today is not like any other day for me. Today for the first time in forty years I am having major surgery. I am nervous but confident that things will turn out as they need to. Somewhere along the path on my journey through life I figured out how to be a good person. I know? Right? I don’t know how things are going to play out but let me say this; I LOVE YOU. I love having you in my life. I enjoy our time together and you are valuable to me. You have taught me how to listen and to be heard. You have taught me it is okay to be myself, even if sometimes that self is an ass. You let me be a part of your lives and for that I am so blessed. Growing up I always felt like I was not worthy enough to have friends. Wow, how wrong could I have been? At this moment in my life, right now, today I am the most content I have ever been. My life is surrounded by good vibes and great people.

The pandemic we are all trying to live through has been tough on everyone for many varied reasons. I have let a few people slip out of my life quietly but on purpose (TOXIC). Knowing your value is being wise enough to let someone or something leave your plane of existence when it is not HEALTHY or helpful to a life worth living. I struggle with my own sense of self worth and love. I DO NOT need the burden of carrying around someone else’s negative juju. It is amazing just how light that can make you feel. There is no reason to be nasty to them just LET THEM QUIETLY stop being a part of your parade.

Because I felt unloved in my youth I felt alone in the world. Because of YOU I have learned how to be loved. Because of you I am no longer feeling alone. I love having you in my life. I love being in your lives. Thank you for taking the time to try solve the riddle that is me. Because of you, for you I shall live on in a much better place than the one I started out in.

My fear is that I will lose my voice. I love to sing. It s my therapy. Singing brings my world into tune. It makes me feel beautiful both inside and out. It is my happy place. Thank you for putting up with me singing in the most inappropriate of places. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being pleasantly surprised that I can carry a tune. Thank you for just being my friend, my family, my framily.

Love the people in your life. You never know what you mean to someone else. You are someone’s everything. You are ENOUGH. You are loved. You are my world.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE.

Framily

I often forget, well, I don’t really forget I get complacent and take for granted all of the things I am grateful for. I had a terrific weekend. I went to a parade in Plymouth MA with a friend. It was a lovely day. A little windy but bright and inviting. I sang to the breakfast crowd at Will & Co. Café. I have a habit of breaking out into song in the oddest of places but I was loving life and I wanted to share my joie de vivre.

My friends (the people I love most in this world) allow me the indulgence to be. I am pretty sure that I have never expressed my gratitude adequately enough. I apologize. You are everything wonderful to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life. Family is sometimes made up of people you are not related to but who you can relate to.

In recent years I have lost my sister, my mom, my dad; me, but in a different way. It’s  difficult to be thankful. I spent so many years feeling trapped by the constraints of family and its obligations that I never put much thought into what would become of my world when these minor inconveniences were no longer of my daily life. Being part of a family is tough not being part of a family is tougher. I now know what it feels like to get invited to a party where I am the only who shows up in drag. Oh that isolating swirl of emotion that sets you aside from those around you, wonderful really.

I wish I could turn back time. I would hold my mom in my arms and tell her how much I love her because I never told her enough. I would tell my dad he was my hero. I would HUG my kid sister. And I would be thankful for every ugly, angry, happy, loved moment of being part of something.

Do you  know how blessed you are? Find out. Sit back, be quiet. Drink in the laughter of your loved ones. Embrace what you have been given, make a memory and hold on as long as you can. somethinggratitude

 

 

 

 

The Unbirthday

It’s a marvelous concept, find happiness in the 364 other days of the year that are not about you and celebrate your UNBIRTHDAY. My real birthday is hiding just around the corner and I hate her. My birthday always disappoints me. I won’t let myself be happy on that day. I have a tendency to become withdrawn and melancholy because I set the bar of expectations way too high. I decided that this year I was going to use this time of Unbirthday  to celebrate the people in my life and for once give presents instead of feeling sorry for myself because there is no one (except hubby, of course) to have a party with.

You know what? I am happy. I am looking forward to being on vacation and just living in the moment. Sure I have less family but I have discovered I have more people in my life that I enjoy and that I talk with and laugh with than I have ever had before. I am blessed.  Reap what you sow. Send kindness and joy out into the world and see what rewards you truly gather.

UNBIRTHDAY