Where Am I Going?

O-M-G will Spring ever get here? I swear if the sky spits one more snowflake at me I-AM-GOING-TO-CRACK. I am now at that part of my circular journey where I am at the beginning again. Bursting at the seams on all of my favorite clothes, swearing that this time it will be different because of course I am different {really?} The thing about lying face up in a gutter on a busy street is it gives a person a weird perspective. Everyone is so much taller. All joking aside, I have hit rock bottom. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been careening down this slope at break neck speed not trying to gain any type of control on my descent. Wanting to change and affecting change are two very different roads.

I have been unwilling to put forth any real hard work. I let my determination fizzle away like a dropped ice cream melting on a sidewalk on a hot day. Why? Why don’t I care enough about myself to want to be the better version of me for any length of time, why?

Because being a SLOTH takes very little effort.

sloth

Today is another chance to change. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. All of my emotions right below the surface, close to the cuff just in case I NEED them right away. I allow myself to become overwhelmed with possibilities before any situation truly presents itself. Definition of a perfectionist? All or nothing. My life journey is not perfect neither is anyone’s for that matter. Why do I always approach everything as if I can’t have any mistakes or my efforts are for nothing? Flawed belief system. Gives me the excellent excuse to simply stop trying, except I am also insanely stubborn. There will be no waving a white flag, no surrender, no. Not while I still have a fighting chance of being a better me.

Here’s to my thirty-ninth second chance! (raising my cup of coffee high) I’ve run this course before let’s see if this time I don’t crash and burn. I know it will take sometime before I start to feel better. There is a long road ahead of me but I am always up for a grand adventure. I will have to learn to listen to my body again. I need to get back to eating on a schedule to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. I am diabetic and lately I am having episode of the shakes, which are dangerous peaks and valleys in my blood sugar levels caused by eating JUNK. giphy

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

UPDATE: I summoned all of my left over courage this morning and drove myself to a WWs meeting. The house was packed. I haven’t been to a meeting in a month. I am up just over 2 lbs. Excellent considering I had spent this whole time building it up to be a weight gain of MAMMOTH Proportions. My journey continues…

Cat and Mouse

from Wikipedia… “a contrived action involving constant pursuit, near captures, and repeated escapes.” the story of my life…smh

Have I ever told that I am a diabetic? No? Well, that might be because I have always felt that was a private issue. I often worry I reveal way too much of myself here but isn’t that the reason why I started blogging in the first place? Let out all of my thoughts, my fears, empty my emotional baggage in an attempt to know peace?  As far back as I can remember I have been overweight. I have allowed myself to self-bully over it since forever ago. I set all of my value on my appearance or the lack of a Hollywood one.

I have been chasing “the perfect Diet” since I was ten years old. Cat and mouse, mouse and cat, who’s chasing who?icebox Who wins? Who loses? Not me. I know better. I know I am loved by everyone in my life, except by ME the one who matters the most in this relationship with the world. All because a long time ago before I learned how to reason like an adult someone crushed my soul by comparing me to someone I wasn’t. “Oh, why can’t you be like…” If I had been the person I am now I would have told that well meaning aunt to PISS OFF. I am not, nor will I ever be, anything more than who I already am. This aunt used to snide remark me all the time because I was “bigger” than my sisters. I still am by almost six whole inches. What this aunt meant was that I was heavier; therefore, I was of less value. “No one wants a fat wife.” “Girls are supposed to be thin and beautiful.” “You don’t need seconds” Seriously? The first time I ever remember throwing up because of eating anxiety was at her house.

My aunt was wrong. I have been married for over twenty years to a man who married me at my heaviest weight. You DON”T have to be THIN to be beautiful!  Lastly, there is nothing wrong with wanting seconds. Know your limits! Nothing tastes as good as being healthy feels!

We are all only young once, at ten years old life should be about being a child.  Instead I started obsessing about food. Why it makes me happy. Why it makes me angry. Why I love sweet vs savory. I was not diabetic in my youth. Like millions of Americans, I have adult onset or Type 2, (IMHO) poor diet in youth can equal Karma with needles later in adulthood. I have been very fortunate with my Type 2 as mine is essentially controlled by maintaining a healthy weight; which is usually accomplished by adopting healthy EATING habits!!! I take a pill every night before bed and for the most part I am doing well. I have used medication for my condition for nearly twenty years. I used to take the max dosage allowable by pill. My next stop would have been needles and all of the business that goes with that lifestyle but I chose to step away from mistreating myself with food and embrace my well-being. I am; however, not prefect and occasionally I forget where I am in the world, what I am trying to accomplish and I go on a bender. Willy Wonka has nothing on me.WonkaThere are always consequences for the choices we make. I chose to make some bad choices while on vacation. I had FUN oooooooooooooooooooooooh but  I made myself sick.  I got caught up in a very serious game of Cat and Mouse. I am getting way too old to keep falling for the same one liners but fall I do and usually very hard.

I want my life to be about other things. I want to write about other things. Vacation was great but now it is time for me to get back in line and return to the rank and file. The rest of my life is waiting in the wings. I have more to accomplish before I can feel like I am where I need to be.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE