Firefly

firefly

As a child I would chase fireflies to catch and put into a jar.  I would sit on the porch in the cool of an evening summer night and be filled with the wonder and awe of nature. A firefly on its own doesn’t seem like much but put a few in a glass jar and a dark night is transformed. Sometimes I feel like a firefly; small and insignificant but I know I carry a powerful spark. I set my world on fire. When I believe in the power of me, I can turn that spark into sparkle. I can do this. I am worth this. I am trying to have the time of my life doing this.

I was tired of mistreating myself. I wanted more of myself than feeling sorry for the shape I put myself in. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to embrace my world. The time had come for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. You can’t un-fry an egg but you can make one hell of a breakfast sandwich  =  ) no more self pity.

I gave myself permission to say NO to things I feel are unhealthy or unhelpful. I try to be mindful about the choices in front of me.  I am learning it is okay to make mistakes. It is not okay to ignore mistakes. Ignoring a problem only makes it grow in SIZE. Figure out the whys,{ I find being honest with myself cuts the journey in half = ) } make an adjustment, walk away from it. Let it go! Forgive yourself and move forward. I am learning to embrace who I am not what I see in my mirror. My mirror is too judgmental. It doesn’t add up to the who that I envision in my mind. I have worked on who I want to be for a long time. I am beautiful, giving, thoughtful and kind. My self worth is based on how I treat myself and others. I want people who come across my path to leave feeling inspired. A small gesture on my part that leaves you with a warm feeling in your soul. I call that happiness!

I am a WW because I need help to keep myself on my path. It is okay to ask for help. For too many years I ran from myself. Not wanting to face my whys. Not wanting to face my truths. My truths will be different from yours and that is ok. It doesn’t matter which road you choose; we are all on the same journey. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Don’t let anyone take away your sparkle,not even you! I try never to dwell on that age old question; if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? beauty is like love; misused to cover a myriad of truths and emotions. What does appearance have to do with how much you are truly loved? or respected? or wanted?

A kind gesture towards someone will be remembered longer for the way it makes them feel, than how you looked when you bestowed it upon them.  What you do matters. Learn to be kind to yourself so you can be kind in return. Respect yourself and others will follow your example. You are amazing just the way you are; never forget that. Work on your foundation and your structure will only be stronger for it.

So be calm, be in your moments and Weight Watcher ON!!!

Pop, Dad, Old Man, mine <3

Our relationship has once again repositioned itself. I tread unfamiliar ground. How childlike my Dad has become in such a short span of time. I was growing so weary in my role as primary caregiver. I never had any real amount of time off from my duties. Dad was ever needy. On his good days though what fun we would have. I like to believe that he looked forward to seeing me everyday. We had a routine. I would come home from work, start coffee, hit the bathroom and get ready to go out the door to Dad’s. Some days Pop even waited long enough for me to be almost done with my afternoon prep before he’d start ringing my phones. He would sometimes call every thee minutes, not absorbing enough info from the first six calls. Some days I would find it amusing, others infuriating. I could always hear the angst in his voice when he was feeling afraid or uncertain. I looked forward to the calls where he would call jovial and mischievous.

Christmas time is not easy for me. I feel alone in the world, without a connection to the family I once had. I felt even more off balance this year with my life and Dad’s being set aflutter on the winds of change. I know in my heart of hearts he is being looked after and taken care of but I miss the old goat. I thought that when the time arrived and the day passed when my phone no longer rang, I would finally know peace. Why don’t I feel that way? Why? I am sad. I am angry. I am suffering from decision remorse. I am having regrets about doing the right thing. You know they say you can’t unboil an egg. I might as well come to terms with what has happened.
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I try to go see Dad every night and help him with supper. His face lights up when I enter the room. He always thanks me for coming, like I have been away on a long voyage. I greet everyone with the warmest hello and smile I can muster. The conversation I have with Dad is generally the same every night. How is your old man? How is everyone else? How is work? When can I live with you? Why can’t I go home? Am I sleeping here tonight? How long have I been here? Do I have to sleep in the attic? Do they have a bathroom in here? I reassure him the best I can but I see the pain in his face. I feel he is nervous almost afraid. It is hard for me to cover my own misgivings about this new adventure we are on. I sing for him. I hold in my tears. I joke with him. I owe him so much. I love him. I give him what I have; me. I hope it is enough.