I apologize. I missed my usual Friday night musings about me, myself and I. Our house break-in happened on the afternoon of October 6th. The complete nerve of that douchekabob who broke into my house and shattered my FALSE sense of security. Lessons have been learned. My eating habits are a new kind of messed up. I have been crying with no true reason to connect to. This must be what post traumatic stress is kind of about. My “bad experience” was really on a mild level compared to others in the world who have had to live through hell. Life rolls on even when we are not ready. My hat is off to the wounded in the world for getting up everyday and facing their reality.
I taught myself years ago to be a stress eater as a way of containing my emotions. How do I control anger? Numb it with ice cream. How do I control fear? Subdue it with hot and spicy whatever. How do I combat loneliness? Vast quantities of sweet : cookies, pie, M&Ms, trail mix. I battle my sadness with writing and tears. I apologize but some of my best writing happens because I am SAD. I swear it is a funky type of sadness that follows me, haunts me, keeps me searching for the correct combination so I can own the key to self-acceptance. Why have I never learned to like myself? Why?
I have choices. I can continue on my current path(not a good idea), I can find the path I was on(Okay, but really needs some excitement), or I can forge a new path(winner, winner chicken dinner!). I stood in my bathroom for a long time tonight looking at my old self in the mirror. I deserve more than I give myself. I want more. I am tired of basing my self worth and my self esteem on my fucking dress size. I don’t even wear dresses! More importantly why do I know so many other women who feel just like I do? I often have women tell me that they feel like I am inside their heads. How do I mirror how they feel? The more we think we are different from others around us the more we come to realize just how similar we are.
This is for the women in and around my life. You are worthy. You are loved. You are needed. You are everything wonderful to someone in your life and you might not even know it. Stop hiding who you are and what you want. Be kinder to yourself. Forgive yourself. You are stronger than you know. Embrace that little girl who lives in your soul. She holds all of your JOY. Just BELIEVE! We all have the power to fly we just forget sometimes that we control the WINGS! You are beautiful!
Tonight I do. Actions not words. I can tell you that I am going to turn on the lights but if I don’t move from my chair I will still be sitting in the dark. I will do better for myself from this point on. I will return to the gym. I will return to WWs this Saturday. I will, actions not words.
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be
A better use for an ancient torture device.
makes us the same.
It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care. Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something : loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.
I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.
I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change. I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me. = )
The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.
You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now. You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.
What makes us different makes us the same = ) We can do this Cupcake!
Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself. I chose my health over my anger. = ) Yea me!!!
I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.
Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.
Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.
Never give up on the person you are meant to be.