And So It Begins…

Over the course of last week(June 8th) the job called and summoned the hubster back to work. Joy and anxiety, two emotions that should not be holding hands, and yet…

The hubster and I work for the same company. We have two very different types of jobs.  While we occasionally see each other at work more often than not we do not see each other until the end of our day. I did not get a call back. At this moment my skill set is not needed. I know how anxious I am feeling being home alone; I can only imagine how he is doing right now at work without me. And so it begins…

I have missed the faces of my family, my friends, my co workers{sigh}. We are all bound by the rules of the Governor of Massachusetts to wear masks while in public spaces. Until further notice, while I am allowed to “see” my family, my friends, my co workers it has to be from a distance under the cover of a mask. This alone makes my soul heavy. My parents did their best to raise me to be kind, to be strong, to be open minded, to love with an open heart. I feel like all of those good qualities have been put through the ultimate test. I have chosen to let some friends quietly leave my circle. Why? their wheel house, too many wheels. I want what is best for them. I chose what makes my mental health better. I just don’t want to deal…Some times you can love someone for ALL the wrong reasons. You have to be strong and wise enough to set them free, to set yourself free.

I started writing this blog because I needed someone to talk to because the voices (my thoughts, not pyschosis) in my head were too loud, too negative, and were void of love. My anxiety and negative vibes so strong I couldn’t hear myself think. Writing what is on my mind helps My voice( the things that I really am, what I believe in) to be strong and loud. When my insecurities get too weird for me to manage writing helps me to filter out the menusha.

I have now been back to work for almost eight weeks. I don’t feel I am any safer or unsafer than before. I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Remember when you went through life everyday NOT worried you were going to end up a pandemic statistic? Me either. I am tired of watching the talking heads come to no good solutions. People are making me afraid of my own shadow. Remember when reckless behavior was sleeping around? hanging out with sketchy friends? smoking things? drinking? Now it is all about spoiled people thinking their rights are being infringed upon. Misplaced, dangerous anger never once fixed ONE SINGLE ISSUE! I go to bed anxious. I wake up anxious.

Every thing in the world is screaming to a halt. If we promise we have learned a lesson and we will try to behave, can we be let out of timeout?

 

 

Changes

Some times I become very aggravated because life can feel like a cycle of routine where nothing ever changes, nothing is ever new, exciting, wonderful. AND…I am so wrong about that, so so wrong. I think if this viral attack on the world has taught me anything I can honestly say that life is ever changing. Life moves at its pace not mine. Slow your roll, I’ll get to it. i think I finally get it.

March 19, 2020 seems like a lifetime ago. Hubster and I had just finished lunch. We were spending a few moments as a couple before returning to our respective duties as employees, when all hell rained down. Everyone at our warehouse was furloughed immediately until further notice. 

Today is May 29, 2020 . We are in the 72nd day of together time! 72 days of every meal being made by me, every grocery run, every chore, every errand, every, Every, EVERY, eVeRy thing rests on me. I do it alone. I GOT ANGRY yesterday, over the top anger. Listen, I know it is my fault. I spent my childhood watching my Dad do everything for my Mom. I hated how she was. She was so damaged from her traumatic childhood she never truly lived a full healthy wonderful life and my Dad enabled her. I swore my marriage would be different. So I spoiled my hubby. BIG MISTAKE! My mistake. Just like my Dad, I am an enabler. 

No matter how much a person tries you can not unfry an egg. 

Having a blog is a wonderful thing. Having a blog is a terrifying thing. I can be myself at the keyboard. The only time I really feel pressure about what I write is if I think my MIL is trolling or I leak my frustrations out about my hubster. Truths even when they are only mine can hurt the people on its periphery. I was angry with myself so yes, I yelled and carried on at my hubby. He can be such a lump sometimes but he is my lump. In sickness and in health…traditional vows blah, blah, blah…Here is my view, my truth. iloveu

Loving is not easy. I often do not love myself.  True love is more than a feeling. It is actions. ACTION by its very nature is a verb. Love is something that dies when not shared or rejected but its strength so powerful that it won’t be forgotten. It can not be contained. Nor can it be controlled or measured or handed out. It is given willingly. It lasts. It takes commitment from all parties to remain true. Love defines each relationship in its own unique wonderful way. Never take anyone’s love for granted. It is the best gift they will ever give you.

I apologized for yelling. I could’ve handle that so much better, maybe next time. Who knows? Everything changes…even me.

Mulligan Anyone?

A mulligan is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. Its best-known meaning is in golf, whereby a player is informally allowed to replay a stroke, even though this is against the formal rules of golf. The term has also been applied to other sports and games, and to other fields generally. The origin of the term is unclear. I lifted this definition from Wikipedia.
that-golf-swing

What if this is your chance? a do- over? Reach out to someone you have lost touch with.  Maybe it is someone you miss, apologize and make that relationship whole again. Or does there need to be a deep cleanse of your Facebook page? Unfriending is an option. I found myself tempted by the prospects of letting go of the toxicity that often comes with “social media”. I have set a few people free and in doing so I have set myself free. Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time!” If I had only heeded this advice more often than ignored it I would have been in a much better space right now. = )

Truths? Most people on the periphery of your life DO NOT GIVE ONE DAMN about you. I am learning real friends ask how you are. Real friends owl mail special things to your door on a rainy day. Real friends laugh with you. Real friends hold each other up, build bonds, offer help. Even if that help is just a video chat, a text, or a phone call. Everyone has a village. I am proud to say that my village has the best people. Some I chose, some chose me. My family, my book club ladies, my WWs peeps, co-workers, hockey peeps,  have all become more of an important part of my life. Something in my life I never dreamed of having, acceptance for everything weird thing that makes me who I am. You know what makes me stronger? and helps me see the next day and the next day and the day after that? YOU. So in case you still have not heard my message: you are important, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are enough. I love you. I am always waiting in the wings. Curtains up!

(virus) We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important message. Love the people in your life while they are in your life. Life is a precarious balance between good and bad, love and hate. Be in your moments, all of them, make memories, be honest, be true to who you are not what people want. Try to leave warm thoughts of you with someone instead of a trail of sadness and anger. Try to be kind to everyone, self included. You will return to your busy lives soon enough.

Unwritten

I remembered the first time I actually listened to the words of this song. It really is the truth about life. Nothing in your life is etched in stone. No one knows what time or life will bring you, or how you will change, or when or why precious loved ones pass on. The one thing that is certain, today is unwritten. I can make my today anything I want.

Today I decided to use my first paid sick day of the new year. I like so many people in New England right now have been fighting off some nasty virus (not the flu) that takes hold of your soul and threatens not to let go for three weeks or more. My Christmas holidays were not any fun for me. I was just too sick. I long for my feeling of wellness to return. I am tired of feeling BEYOND tired. Truth is I called out from work today because I was up most of the night coughing. Looks like another call to my doctor for more “miracle elixir” antibiotics.

I work for an off priced retailer, in one of their many distribution centers that can be found across the United States and Canada. I am a data analyst. I know so exciting; but, please try to contain your enthusiasm. I need to be top form to do my job well. I check and correct reports for more than 300 people on a daily basis. If I am “off my game” I am more likely to make errors. I am supposed to be fix problems not create them.

I started working for this company in 1984 when I was young, beautiful, and full of dreams for myself. I often tell college interns and new associates “When I started here I was young and beautiful, now I am just beautiful.” usually after they ask me about myself and my illustrious career. I am just trying to ease the situational anxiety for them by injecting a little humor. I try to be an informed person. I am often approached about scenarios that are not work related because I have the reputation of being quite knowledgeable. I feel that I do my job well, but I can’t help wonder if I am capable of doing something else, in an entirely different company, doing something I have never done before.

Over time I lost faith in my dreams. I forgot that life is unwritten. I lost hope of ever being who I wanted to be. Am I too old to become a counselor? a nurse? an author? a singer? a ??? Dreams change with time. I can remember living in my small home town yearning for the day I was old enough to get my license. My license, for me, was the door that opened to the world of endless possibilities. I could go anywhere, be anybody I wanted. I was angry at the world for not having the good fortune that I perceived beautiful people had: nice family, nice house, bright future. It took many years of living for me too realize that what you see is not always the truth. People can have everything and nothing at the same time.

I often say,” Life is what happens when you have other plans.” Story of my life. I am not unhappy. I married a good guy. I have worked for the same company for 34 years. I have made many lifetime connections but sometimes I want more…

Carpe Diem! I still have time. My life is not finished. I have many chapters left unwritten.  The best version of yourself could just be out of your reach for the moment. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE.  Be a good human. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You’ve Got This!

On My Way to You

I wasn’t overweight until I hit my teenage years. I was always taller and bigger than my two sisters. I am just under 5’8″. My sisters topped out at around 5’3. Of course I should weigh a little more I AM taller but when you are young and impressionable adults sometime say and do mean things. Growing up between two thin sisters was not an easy job. During my teen age years I felt at a disadvantage when it came to the opposite sex, partly because I could not compete with my own sisters ravishingly beautiful facades. Boys would some times ask me out on a date just so they could get near one of my sisters. Sad, but true and also confusing for a girl who was not quite sure of herself who walked around with dented self-esteem.

I did not date much during high school. I never thought I would be blessed enough to find a life partner, but HE changed all of that. I spent many years floundering through life trying to find my way. I helped my older sister care for her two small sons. I watched over my wild child kid sister. I spent a lot of time wanting to be wanted. Everyone in my life needed me but no one outside of my life wanted me. I felt like the ugly duckling from that childhood storybook.

ugly duckling

In time I sort of just gave up. I stopped waiting for “Mr. Right” and I started to live my life at least hoping that someday “Mr. You’re Better Than Being Alone” would be around for some harmless shits and giggles, no commitment, no real love, no expectations. HE spoiled everything. I had had my eye on him for some time. I liked the way he looked me in the eye when I talked to him. He read a book everyday during lunch. He was tall. He was quiet. He had the most amazing blue eyes…and I thought I ‘d never have a chance; but, he was flirting with me in the lunch line, he was going out of his way to get in my way, he was laughing at my poor attempts at humor.

I told my kid sister that I thought he might like me. I had no idea how to ask him out. I was suddenly nervous and shy. He asked me out to an arena football game (August 20, 1994). We have been together ever since. He sees me. He loves me. He wants me. He needs me. He is my Mr. Right. Because of him I have learned to KNOW commitment, to know real love, to know acceptance. I love you Big D. wpid-big-d-me-7-7-12.jpg.jpeg

Loss, grief, and LOVE

I have been here before. Surrounded by people I love but lost in the vastness of my own despair. People are talking to me but their voices carry over my head like the sounds you hear while submerged in a hot bath tub trying to soak away the worries of the world. Muted tones, blurred words. My pain raises in my throat like a lump of hot coal. My throat burns as I try to swallow. I suppress the urge to cry out. I choke on my own grief. Tears spill out, roll down my cheeks and expose me. This is my reaction to someone else’s loss. Why? The question I ask myself every time someone I love loses someone they love.

Grief is a strange thing. Emotions crash over me like waves on a sun soaked beach. People in the business of Psychology will tell you grief has stages. I always thought that was horseshit and feathers until I joined the club. This club has many members and no one is here willingly. If given a choice most people want more time with their loved one; to live another day, to love with every ounce of their being, to laugh until they can’t, to hold onto the magic of them, to make one last memory, to acknowledge their stronghold on your heart.

Seldom does anyone get those chances. Love the people in your life while they are with you. Get angry, fight, be involved, just don’t forget to STOP and LOVE and LAUGH and EMBRACE. Make a memory. Have you ever seen the movie Artificial Intelligence ? I can not watch this movie without crying. It portrays happiness in it’s purest form and grief so raw it burns. This movie pulls at all the important emotions that make life worth living.

I’ve spent many years unable to accept kind words or deeds done in memory of my loved ones because my soul was too broken and numb. I was unable to hear anything above my own anguish. Perhaps that is why I cry when I am faced with a loss that is not mine.  I still struggle to maintain a peace within myself over the loss of my family. I often wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Never under estimate what you mean to someone else.
the-most-beautiful

Friday, Fried Day, Fry DAY!!!!

I made it! Le Weekend! Friday = )  What a week. Meetings, meetings, meetings, I am FRIED! Spent, wicked (yes, I am from the Boston area of New England) wicked [we say wicked a lot ;)] tired. Too tired to do much of anything; but, I have musings to posts and love to share so here I am thinking about how much life changes in a blink of an eye. Often I have yearned to be part of something amazing, larger than myself, something wonderful that sowed love, acceptance, kindness. I believed that wanting this was an unattainable fantasy, an improbable impossibility, a non happening happening. Once again I have been surprised by the people in my life. I am awed time and again by their ability to love unconditionally, to build someone up where others might have torn you down.

mypeople

This post is for my friends. Life is a weird, wonderful, sometimes sad, overwhelmingly happy roller coaster of people, places, and events. I am blessed to have all of you in my life for as long as you are able and willing to stay. When one of you is in distress it puts me into distress. I want all of my people to be in a constant state of nirvana where there is no negative Karma; but, life isn’t like that.

With your help I have learned to love. I have learned to believe. I am enough. I am loved. I am someone’s best friend. I am listened to. I am everything I need to be. Loss has a odd way of making you focus on what is important yet somehow has been put aside. If a word is never uttered it can’t be heard. Never under estimate what you MEAN to someone. I am never quite sure what it is that I bring to the people in my life but I hope it might be just what you need in the moment with a side of friendship that is accepting, warm, and full of surprises ; )
Love is a gift that only gets better when it is shared. Thank you for being a part of my world.

 


Love, Trish

Where Am I Going?

O-M-G will Spring ever get here? I swear if the sky spits one more snowflake at me I-AM-GOING-TO-CRACK. I am now at that part of my circular journey where I am at the beginning again. Bursting at the seams on all of my favorite clothes, swearing that this time it will be different because of course I am different {really?} The thing about lying face up in a gutter on a busy street is it gives a person a weird perspective. Everyone is so much taller. All joking aside, I have hit rock bottom. I am so disappointed in myself. I have been careening down this slope at break neck speed not trying to gain any type of control on my descent. Wanting to change and affecting change are two very different roads.

I have been unwilling to put forth any real hard work. I let my determination fizzle away like a dropped ice cream melting on a sidewalk on a hot day. Why? Why don’t I care enough about myself to want to be the better version of me for any length of time, why?

Because being a SLOTH takes very little effort.

sloth

Today is another chance to change. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. All of my emotions right below the surface, close to the cuff just in case I NEED them right away. I allow myself to become overwhelmed with possibilities before any situation truly presents itself. Definition of a perfectionist? All or nothing. My life journey is not perfect neither is anyone’s for that matter. Why do I always approach everything as if I can’t have any mistakes or my efforts are for nothing? Flawed belief system. Gives me the excellent excuse to simply stop trying, except I am also insanely stubborn. There will be no waving a white flag, no surrender, no. Not while I still have a fighting chance of being a better me.

Here’s to my thirty-ninth second chance! (raising my cup of coffee high) I’ve run this course before let’s see if this time I don’t crash and burn. I know it will take sometime before I start to feel better. There is a long road ahead of me but I am always up for a grand adventure. I will have to learn to listen to my body again. I need to get back to eating on a schedule to maintain healthy blood sugar levels. I am diabetic and lately I am having episode of the shakes, which are dangerous peaks and valleys in my blood sugar levels caused by eating JUNK. giphy

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

UPDATE: I summoned all of my left over courage this morning and drove myself to a WWs meeting. The house was packed. I haven’t been to a meeting in a month. I am up just over 2 lbs. Excellent considering I had spent this whole time building it up to be a weight gain of MAMMOTH Proportions. My journey continues…

If She Knew What She Wants

Whenever I am really quiet I hear a small voice screaming from the depths of my soul. She is my true self; the one that wants to be free but I refuse to let her into my life. I wish I could sort out what I want from what I need. My biggest fear? I will get to the end of my life and be the same hot mess that I am right now. I want to stop. I am not interested in punishing myself anymore. I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect in my WW journey. Changing out terrible eating habits for better eating habits is a job that never ends. One bad choice on my part and I spiral out of control, sometimes for years. When I say bad choice I don’t mean potato at supper instead of salad, I mean I get bored or angry or frustrated and then I just decide to stop going any further. I cave in on myself. I have been brooding about how I walk away from myself since before Christmas letting my anger fester, growing more and more discontent with myself.

Depression is a merry go round I never truly get to escape from. Have you ever listened to the lyrics of the Pink Floyd song HEY YOU? It is the desperate cries of someone who feels invisible and wishes to be SEEN. I feel like people never really see ME. They see my persona, the shiny part of the mirror that deflects away from the broken shards that make up my soul. That persona draws people in like a moth to a flame.  HOLD IT! WAIT!! STOP!!! BULLSHIT ALERT!!!!

Is it okay to call bullshit on myself? The people in my life don’t always know when I am hurting or in a bad head space because I do my damnedest to keep them at arms length. Feeling invisible is on me no one else. {breathe, just breathe} No one is a mind reader. Sometimes I can’t make up my own mind so why would I falsely believe people don’t know me? or can’t see through what is causing me distress?

I don’t want to be like my mother. It was hard growing up in a family with a damaged parent. I am shrapnel in a wound that won’t heal. I am not sure how I ended up here feeling like this again. I feel like I am lost at the edge of the woods. I can see where I need to be but I am over run with anxiety about which path to take so I choose no path, which adds to my anxiety, which makes me spiral farther, which adds to my depression, which adds to…

I need to quiet the noise. I need to return to myself. I need to be the person I am. When I wander too far from myself all of my relationships suffer. I smile less, I worry more. I am dissatisfied with myself, my life, my hubby, my friends. I mope around. The only energy I am willing to spend is for napping.

Honestly, I have happy moments. I know that I am loved. I have wonderful friends. My lifemate stands as my rock. He steadies me when I feel all is lost. He angers me, he moves me, he loves me even when I don’t love myself. Is it possible to become a beautiful butterfly after the age of 50? I don’t know but I will never give up trying. The sun will shine again. Spring is here, more hours of sunshine and warmth are on the way. Adventure season starts soon. There are always going to be things in my life that need attention in order for me to feel my best. I need to learn to ask for help. [ What a novel idea = ) ] We are all on the same road trip called LIFE. Will you walk with me awhile?

I love this song from GODSPELL.

Have You Ever?

Caught a glimpse of what you are to someone who loves you? Understood how they value you? view you? regard you? Have you ever felt the emotion that is tied to their version of that unknown element, that je ne sais quoi, the beauty or wonderment that makes you the object of their love. Trust me when I say it usually has nothing to do with the superficial value of outer beauty and everything to do with the important things:  kindness, patience, wisdom, trust, understanding. Intangibles that turn love into the thing people will spend all they have just to catch a glimmer of.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

I am no stranger to depression. I have experienced it, survived it, lived with a parent who was deeply affected (paralyzed) by it. I struggle everyday with finding a reason to continue one more minute of one more day in a string of days that seem to never change but I manage because I refuse to give in. I want more. I will never stop searching for happiness, peace, well being. Love compels me to keep searching.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

He does not see the ugly things about myself that I do not like. He only sees me. He tells me I am beautiful. I am the one he trusts with his love. I am HIS one. Have you ever been that loved? Some times I am so busy being upset with myself that I don’t want to believe he stills loves me, needs me, desires me. I hate me! Why doesn’t he give up? How can he still love me! I lash out by throwing angry words against his soul hoping to break his bond to me but the holds are strong. He talks to me, he sees me, he understands I am fragile, he listens to what I am really saying. Sometimes things do not come out as words but as bad choices or hateful behavior. He cradles me to his chest, wipes away my tears and keeps right on loving me in his quiet gentle way.

I am finally gaining an understanding of who I am to him. I see the sparkle of joy as we see each other from across a crowded room.  US

Have you ever been so loved and unaware of what you mean to that someone at the same time? I was.

All these years and he is still my reason to face the day.

Never forget who  you are…https://youtu.be/TqsAElcHcZs