I have been here before. Surrounded by people I love but lost in the vastness of my own despair. People are talking to me but their voices carry over my head like the sounds you hear while submerged in a hot bath tub trying to soak away the worries of the world. Muted tones, blurred words. My pain raises in my throat like a lump of hot coal. My throat burns as I try to swallow. I suppress the urge to cry out. I choke on my own grief. Tears spill out, roll down my cheeks and expose me. This is my reaction to someone else’s loss. Why? The question I ask myself every time someone I love loses someone they love.
Grief is a strange thing. Emotions crash over me like waves on a sun soaked beach. People in the business of Psychology will tell you grief has stages. I always thought that was horseshit and feathers until I joined the club. This club has many members and no one is here willingly. If given a choice most people want more time with their loved one; to live another day, to love with every ounce of their being, to laugh until they can’t, to hold onto the magic of them, to make one last memory, to acknowledge their stronghold on your heart.
Seldom does anyone get those chances. Love the people in your life while they are with you. Get angry, fight, be involved, just don’t forget to STOP and LOVE and LAUGH and EMBRACE. Make a memory. Have you ever seen the movie Artificial Intelligence ? I can not watch this movie without crying. It portrays happiness in it’s purest form and grief so raw it burns. This movie pulls at all the important emotions that make life worth living.
I’ve spent many years unable to accept kind words or deeds done in memory of my loved ones because my soul was too broken and numb. I was unable to hear anything above my own anguish. Perhaps that is why I cry when I am faced with a loss that is not mine. I still struggle to maintain a peace within myself over the loss of my family. I often wonder if I will ever feel whole again. Never under estimate what you mean to someone else.
Often I have sat on this side of my keyboard waxing poetic about the goings on in my life or the spinnings of my mind. I started on this writing journey with the thought that I could rediscover myself by sharing my soul with a close friend. I only ever intended to ride the bus not pick up the passengers but here we are. I try to write something new every Friday night. I write about whatever I find floating around in my grey matter. I post my finished musings onto my Facebook page and if I am lucky a few fellow bloggers happen upon my post or they find a keyword tag that sends them to my blog. Thanks for all the follows and good vibes. ; )
I guess what surprises me the most is how similar we all are. I have had more than one friend/follower/co-worker ask me or comment to me about how I seem to be able to “know” how they are feeling. Honestly I don’t; but, I know how I feel. I kept all those “feelings” to myself for years because I was afraid of being judged for being real. Well, guess what, too bad so sad, we all have stories to tell. Some are funny, some are poignant, some are just depressing. It’s all Okay. Any one who is truly in your life already knows the hot mess that you are and they choose to love you anyway so why not “love” yourself? Be in your moments, invite the neighbors, make new friends…
I have reached that magical time in my life where I finally feel like I have something to give to others. Turns out it is me. = ) Who knew? I sure in Hell didn’t for a really LONG time. It is a great time to be alive but only if you are willing to live a little, love a lot and forgive shit you can’t change or control.
I try to blog once a week. Last week I JUST wasn’t feeling it. I was tired, grumpy, and I hate to say it; I felt like the little old lady I am slowing turning into. While I was growing up I dreamt of being older, I never realized someday I WOULD BE! I guess you could say I’m living the dream!
Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!!
You were like a Spring rain. Intense with high potential for damage. Just like a storm you left someone else to do the clean up, me. In your wildest dreams I bet you never imagined one little girl could leave behind such devastation. Hearts were broken, lives ruined; and yet the sun came out. The sun always shines after a storm. Even the heavens want the world to know there is light after darkness.
You taught me to be brave. You forced me to embrace my life. You have brought me places I wouldn’t go myself, you made me participate in my own life. All it took was you dying. So very sad , so very true. Why did you self destruct? Why didn’t you try harder to leave him? why didn’t you value yourself like I valued you? why didn’t you believe in the wonder that was you?
I have lost my way without you. I like to pretend I am above my feelings. I am drowning in my own pool of denial. The more I try to lie to myself about how I am doing the deeper the pool becomes. My tiny craft is taking on water. I am unable to bail the water fast enough. I am circling the drain wondering where all my time has gone off to adventure without me.
I am becoming an old lady without you. I used to wonder what that unknown part of me was. I finally figured it out. It’s the shards of my broken heart. Just when I think I am in a good space, I feel their pain as they push against my soul. Your laugh I hear only in dreams. Your smile a faded memory that mocks me from photographs. I miss the sound of your voice. I am afraid if I let you go, I will lose what little I have left of you.