I rained on my own parade. Today was not a good day. There was a snowstorm today. I like to tell myself that I am Okay, that I can survive anything but I have a secret. It’s a lie. I was blessed/cursed (depending on my mood it could be one or the other) to have one parent with serious mental illness. I like to think that I am above that affliction and that there is nothing in the world that can get under my skin. If I work hard enough and fight the gallant fight I will always overcome whatever obstacles lie in my way even when I am the obstacle.

My mother had anxiety about everything. The TV, the weather, medicine, news of any kind. You name something, anything and she had a fear or a superstition or a complaint about it. She couldn’t calm the thoughts that raced through her mind and often screamed out when her nerves gave her a run for her money. Yes, she was one odd duck but she was my mom. I learned to become who I wanted in spite of her shortcomings as a parent and  with no solid direction as to which way to start this race.

I picked up more than a few unhealthy habits form her. Instead of finding a way to deal with something that is bothering me, I simply picked up on her cue to avoid any bad situation by stuffing a bag of chips down my gullet.  Man, there is nothing like a sugar high when your anxiety is running off the scale and you need (not really) to feel the rush from a case of the jitters brought on by too much crap.  I HATE WHEN I DO THAT!

I was not kind to myself today. I tried to have a good day. I kept busy. I did not watch storm coverage. I filled my (trapped indoors by a storm) day with chores. My house is sparkly. I was trying so hard not to dwell too much on the fact that I was stuck inside that my anxiety get the better of me. I fed those emotions with crap that I don’t care about or for that matter, particularly like but I did it. Why? I learned to calm my anxiety that way… my mother self medicated so I self medicated. BAD, bad idea; but, I am learning to learn from my mistakes. I do not enjoy the hangover from food burnout. I have come to enjoy eating healthy to feel healthy. I am feeling better now. Tomorrow is a new day. There is no more giving up on myself. I need to work harder on not giving into my inner demons by letting them have their way. I am not a spoiled child that needs to be told yes over and over again in order to feel validated. I stopped being the worst example of myself over a year ago. I am not going back to that dark place ever again if I can help it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be


Help Yourself

Two simple words and yet it is the hardest undertaking. “I couldn’t help myself” is heard whenever someone gives into a temptation. I say it myself like it is the best solution to explain away a natural urge to want things. A fitting excuse for when you have gone too far over your limitations, purchased something you wanted instead of needed or eaten that one small thing you couldn’t live another minute without and then eating way more than you wanted to.

Help Yourself. You have to make that choice. Help yourself or continue down the path you are on. No one can make you a better you, except you. You have to want to be better. It is not always easy to pick your health and well being over every other thing going on in your life. It is OKAY to want happiness. Happiness does not come in a box wrapped in pretty paper and a ribbon. Happiness is a state of mind that needs constant attention to help it last. Choose to nurture yourself and happiness is easier to sustain.  Help yourself. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.


Let IT GO…whatever it is that is holding you back. Claim your life. Every rotten, wonderful moment of it. You are worth your best effort. Forgive yourself. You don’t have to be your toughest critic. Why is it we are all willing to cut our loved ones some slack but not ourselves? Perfection is a farce; a carnival mirror that plays tricks  with your mind. Learn to see yourself as others see you:  kind, intelligent, loving, friendly, determined. Ugly self-thought serves only one purpose, sabotage. Stop doing it! You are amazing! You just have to believe in yourself.

It only takes a spark to ignite a fire. Be the spark in your own life. I stopped believing in myself. I was lost for a very long time. My road has been mostly an uphill climb because I made it that way. I allowed the darkness of my inner turmoil to take over who I know I am. It nearly cost me every part of who I grew to be; the wonderful things that I liked about myself. We all have wonderful things about ourselves. You know its true. Ask that one person in your life that LOVES you just the way you are. What do they like about you? You may be surprised to find out that it has NOTHING to do with your appearance and more to do with the intangibles, like the gentleness of your love or your ability to see the goodness in people or…?

I got tired of feeling tired and sad. I missed happiness. I choose to help myself. Be well. Believe in the power that is you. YOU can do this!  Help yourself =  )