Extraordinary

52592516_10155845309072676_6878891334342541312_oWe walk right by it everyday. Extraordinary beauty in ordinary things. I hung out this weekend with my BFF. Sometimes I forget about the beauty, in the kind of person she is. The little thoughtful things she does for people because she cares. I would be lost without her. She takes NONE of my bullshit. She lets me be silly. She lets me sing no matter where we are. She listens to me when I feel like no one hears me.  Do you have anyone in your life who take you for all that you are? No? I feel sad for you. She is a perfect bloom. A rose in a bunch of flowers that catches your eye. Sunshine when there is only rain. She gives so much of herself to others. I am truly blessed to be able to call her my friend.

I am not sure she knows how much of an impact she makes on the people in her life. She is an amazing friend. I don’t tell her enough just how much she has added to my life. Our friendship flows as easily as if we have known each other a lifetime. We started out as strangers, who became friends, who became family. Friends are the family we get to choose. Choose wisely it will enrich your lives in ways you never expected.

You just call out my name and I will be at your side, I promise.

 

Framily

I often forget, well, I don’t really forget I get complacent and take for granted all of the things I am grateful for. I had a terrific weekend. I went to a parade in Plymouth MA with a friend. It was a lovely day. A little windy but bright and inviting. I sang to the breakfast crowd at Will & Co. Café. I have a habit of breaking out into song in the oddest of places but I was loving life and I wanted to share my joie de vivre.

My friends (the people I love most in this world) allow me the indulgence to be. I am pretty sure that I have never expressed my gratitude adequately enough. I apologize. You are everything wonderful to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life. Family is sometimes made up of people you are not related to but who you can relate to.

In recent years I have lost my sister, my mom, my dad; me, but in a different way. It’s  difficult to be thankful. I spent so many years feeling trapped by the constraints of family and its obligations that I never put much thought into what would become of my world when these minor inconveniences were no longer of my daily life. Being part of a family is tough not being part of a family is tougher. I now know what it feels like to get invited to a party where I am the only who shows up in drag. Oh that isolating swirl of emotion that sets you aside from those around you, wonderful really.

I wish I could turn back time. I would hold my mom in my arms and tell her how much I love her because I never told her enough. I would tell my dad he was my hero. I would HUG my kid sister. And I would be thankful for every ugly, angry, happy, loved moment of being part of something.

Do you  know how blessed you are? Find out. Sit back, be quiet. Drink in the laughter of your loved ones. Embrace what you have been given, make a memory and hold on as long as you can. somethinggratitude

 

 

 

 

Almost

I almost didn’t make it… I almost called you…I almost made the biggest mistake of my life…I almost…

Once a few short years ago I ALMOST made it to goal but I gave up. I was tired of just being out of reach of that magic number. I was scared of being “normal.” I was losing belief in myself to survive maintenance. I felt very conflicted about the “new” me.

What makes this time around different? Simple answer : ME

I am handling myself much better now than I did before. I believe in what I am accomplishing for myself. I am trying to stay positive. I forgive myself when I falter. I am trying not to drive my framily crazy with constant chatter over my lifestyle changes. I am having fun. I am jumping at the chance to partake in the world around me like I have never done before.  I am having the time of my life. I think they call it “FUN”!?!

Adulting is hard. It is the tough job. The vacation schedule sucks and often there are not enough carefree days. I have accepted that what I am doing is the best course for me to achieve a healthier lifestyle. I have accepted that I CAN NOT trust myself around certain foods or food situations. I have accepted that there is no FINISH LINE or complete date. I am a work in progress and will remain so the remainder of my days. But don’t we all have things we are working on?

Last week I was kind of pitching a party tent for myself. I knew I was heading for a plateau so I dusted, got myself ready to set up camp to stay awhile, but a funny thing happened on my way out of my meeting. I felt like it was time to go after it,to keep moving forward so I did. I put more moves on my Jawbone this week than I have in a long time. I went on two adventures. I had a great week. I may make stops along my way but there is no stopping me.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be =  ) Journey on!

The Perfect Excuse?

Yesterday was rude awakening day for me. I took Pops out for a haircut, lunch and to the optician to pick up his new glasses. My Pops has been in an alternate living situation since right before the Christmas holidays. Yes, that is my fancy way of saying nursing home. Ok, so it is taking me a while in the acceptance department but I am working on it. I am. I promise. I say it was rude awakening day because I guess I never realized before how draining being with my pops can be. I enjoyed his company while I was with him but I felt so tired and sad after I returned him to his place. I am still working on how our relationship has changed. What part I play now versus the role I used to have.

Sometimes the people that a person works with can become like family. Over the years I have grown close to quite a few of my fellow employees. We have formed our own unique family. I would be lost without them. We help each other through some pretty large mine fields of BS. Anyone who works for their $$ knows what I am saying without having to put it to words. More importantly my framily have been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on. I like to think I have provided them that same support. The flip side of that closeness however, is that one or two people that runs through the vein in everyone’s family tree; the nay sayer, the contrary Mary, that one person who makes it their personal mission to tear people down.

I have personality quirks, who doesn’t? When someone goes out of their way to sting home a point, I hold onto those biting words, turning the selfhate over and over in my mind trying to figure out why or what I did to this person to make them act this way towards me. I believe that her personal burdens of hurt, anger and disappointment run deep. Striking out at me eases her own self loathing I am guessing or perhaps it may fuel it. Either way I have been a willing target. It is my own fault. This person pretends to want closeness and friends but strikes out at people to keep them at arms length. She can be helpful as long as you are on guard for the payment she seeks. That jibe to your personality that she just can’t stomach. You’re too negative, or too funny or too cute or too smart. I have never met anyone like her and I hope someday to leave her and her pettiness behind. As I try to come to terms with what is going on with my Dad her words roll around in my head like an old album with a skip that you are sure won’t ruin the soundtrack. That skip bothers me a lot. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU CAN’T USE YOUR DAD AS AN EXCUSE ANYMORE? hurtful, uncompassionate, cutting and true.

I put my life on hold to take care of my Dad. In more than a few ways he did become my excuses. I couldn’t go away for any length of time. I had to have a cell phone for those in case moments. I lost time from my job to run errands for him and take him to appointments. I lost time with my hubby and my friends. I forgot how to be in my own life. What am I going to do now that I can’t use Dad as an excuse? I honestly have no idea. I can read a book now whenever I want. I can go to dinner and a movie with friends. I can go on long walks in the evening with my bestie. I am free to become that girl I have always wanted to be.

Truth
Truth
I am going to work on the things I want to be and the things I want for myself. Every new day opens with endless possibilities for amazing things to happen.