Do YOU Believe…

in magic? I mean the kind of magic we are surrounded by everyday. A smile you weren’t looking for? A kindness not sought after? Yes, that kind of magic, not HOCUS POCUS but the simple magic. Simple magic exists in the every day moments and in people around us who have no idea of the power they possess. I did not start to write this to wax on about the beauty in the friends that I have around me and yet this is what this post is about.

Do you know how to tell if you are a successful person in life? No? Yeah, I could never quite grasp that either until I noticed how the room I walk into where my friends gather feels warm, inviting, inclusive, safe. That, my friends, is the magic. The magic of the smile I give/receive just by being in their presence. Knowing that even if it is a momentary thought shared that our days are made better by the happenstance of the moment. I used to be of the school of thought that I had no real friends. My life empty of people who I enjoyed that enjoyed me. What a fool I am some times. It is not the length of the parade that you remember but the spectacle of the joy it gave you.

I used to laugh reading those corny sayings. You know, “be the change you want to see in the world”, “to have friends you must first be a friend”, “live, laugh, love” and so on. Well? who knew all of these sayings work? I try to apply them in my life and I am better for it. I love in a grand way. If I let you into my life as my friend I will always be in your corner. I will do my level best to be present in our conversations or our time together. I want you to enjoy our friendship as much as I enjoy yours. I am odd. I own that shit. I used to just want to be “normal” but that is not where my groove is, sorry, not sorry. I will take odd and magical any day over normal and mundane.

Cheers to the people in my life who have made it past the preliminary rounds. A lifetime of adventures await.

To know the value of a true friendship is the best gift you can give yourself. Love the people in your life. I do.

For my BFF, for…Marie, Raven, my Book club ladies, Peg, Emily, my adventure ladies, my work peeps, my WWS peeps, my hockey framily, for all the wonderful friends that my life has…thank you for you time, your attention, laughs and love. You make my life so much better just by being a part of it. You mean every thing to me and I don’t tell you often enough how much I appreciate you. Thanks for all of it.

My favorite kind of MAGIC…

Changes

Some times I become very aggravated because life can feel like a cycle of routine where nothing ever changes, nothing is ever new, exciting, wonderful. AND…I am so wrong about that, so so wrong. I think if this viral attack on the world has taught me anything I can honestly say that life is ever changing. Life moves at its pace not mine. Slow your roll, I’ll get to it. i think I finally get it.

March 19, 2020 seems like a lifetime ago. Hubster and I had just finished lunch. We were spending a few moments as a couple before returning to our respective duties as employees, when all hell rained down. Everyone at our warehouse was furloughed immediately until further notice. 

Today is May 29, 2020 . We are in the 72nd day of together time! 72 days of every meal being made by me, every grocery run, every chore, every errand, every, Every, EVERY, eVeRy thing rests on me. I do it alone. I GOT ANGRY yesterday, over the top anger. Listen, I know it is my fault. I spent my childhood watching my Dad do everything for my Mom. I hated how she was. She was so damaged from her traumatic childhood she never truly lived a full healthy wonderful life and my Dad enabled her. I swore my marriage would be different. So I spoiled my hubby. BIG MISTAKE! My mistake. Just like my Dad, I am an enabler. 

No matter how much a person tries you can not unfry an egg. 

Having a blog is a wonderful thing. Having a blog is a terrifying thing. I can be myself at the keyboard. The only time I really feel pressure about what I write is if I think my MIL is trolling or I leak my frustrations out about my hubster. Truths even when they are only mine can hurt the people on its periphery. I was angry with myself so yes, I yelled and carried on at my hubby. He can be such a lump sometimes but he is my lump. In sickness and in health…traditional vows blah, blah, blah…Here is my view, my truth. iloveu

Loving is not easy. I often do not love myself.  True love is more than a feeling. It is actions. ACTION by its very nature is a verb. Love is something that dies when not shared or rejected but its strength so powerful that it won’t be forgotten. It can not be contained. Nor can it be controlled or measured or handed out. It is given willingly. It lasts. It takes commitment from all parties to remain true. Love defines each relationship in its own unique wonderful way. Never take anyone’s love for granted. It is the best gift they will ever give you.

I apologized for yelling. I could’ve handle that so much better, maybe next time. Who knows? Everything changes…even me.

Sister Act>>>Frustration & Doubt

I thought about you for most of my day yesterday. I have thoughts …if you will indulge me. I say this from my personal experience with this journey. Frustration, boy….she can be a great friend or the worst enemy you’ve ever had. I find when I am frustrated with a project that she (Frustration) often helps me to take a moment which helps me plan a new strategy or new path. However, when I am uncertain what to do she can linger longer than she should and then I find myself full of her best friend Doubt. All I can say is when those two start hanging around, Failure ,Abandonment, and Anger are usually close behind looking to get their party on. These party guest sometimes take me years to clean up after so I suggest you DON’T entertain them! Frustration is not like Joy. We all know Joy is wonderful to have around but she is fickle and often leaves a party without anyone noticing she is gone until it is too late and the air has gone out of all the balloons. Am I right? Then you might feel a little Frustrated but you know deep down that when Joy returns you will try to enjoy her more so you let Frustration go. You have the power to have Joy or Anger or Frustration or any of her other friends when you need them. Those emotions tend to be controllers in our lives instead of us guiding their use. I have often left my own journey because I GAVE UP on the power of ME! I let all of my unnamed anger, frustration, doubt rule what I want, who I want to be.

I have often dumped Joy, Love, and Acceptance by the wayside because I felt unworthy to accept their unconditional friendship. Know Your worth. Stand up for the distance you have traveled on this journey. Bad feelings are temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS! You are worth all of the struggle. You are enough. You are stronger in ways you never give yourself credit for.

I had to learn to make peace with who I am. I did not become overweight overnight. I will not get healthy overnight either. This time I do this for the best version of myself. The one I love. The one I respect. The version of myself that has learned to be JOYFUL, LOVING, ACCEPTING. Sure I still feel Frustrated but I just stopped entertaining her and her motley crew. I busy myself with things that I enjoy and things have a way of calming down.

Don’t throw your successes away, keep fighting the good fight. I am proud of you!

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

Mulligan Anyone?

A mulligan is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. Its best-known meaning is in golf, whereby a player is informally allowed to replay a stroke, even though this is against the formal rules of golf. The term has also been applied to other sports and games, and to other fields generally. The origin of the term is unclear. I lifted this definition from Wikipedia.
that-golf-swing

What if this is your chance? a do- over? Reach out to someone you have lost touch with.  Maybe it is someone you miss, apologize and make that relationship whole again. Or does there need to be a deep cleanse of your Facebook page? Unfriending is an option. I found myself tempted by the prospects of letting go of the toxicity that often comes with “social media”. I have set a few people free and in doing so I have set myself free. Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time!” If I had only heeded this advice more often than ignored it I would have been in a much better space right now. = )

Truths? Most people on the periphery of your life DO NOT GIVE ONE DAMN about you. I am learning real friends ask how you are. Real friends owl mail special things to your door on a rainy day. Real friends laugh with you. Real friends hold each other up, build bonds, offer help. Even if that help is just a video chat, a text, or a phone call. Everyone has a village. I am proud to say that my village has the best people. Some I chose, some chose me. My family, my book club ladies, my WWs peeps, co-workers, hockey peeps,  have all become more of an important part of my life. Something in my life I never dreamed of having, acceptance for everything weird thing that makes me who I am. You know what makes me stronger? and helps me see the next day and the next day and the day after that? YOU. So in case you still have not heard my message: you are important, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are enough. I love you. I am always waiting in the wings. Curtains up!

(virus) We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important message. Love the people in your life while they are in your life. Life is a precarious balance between good and bad, love and hate. Be in your moments, all of them, make memories, be honest, be true to who you are not what people want. Try to leave warm thoughts of you with someone instead of a trail of sadness and anger. Try to be kind to everyone, self included. You will return to your busy lives soon enough.

The Road Untraveled

I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.

 

Whatever Just Wash Your Hands

img_20190212_1744231401245892.jpg The times they are a-changin’. I have been fighting my own personal battle with depression??? for just over a year. I don’t feel sad all the time; I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know how else to articulate how I am feeling.  My journey down into the abyss of menopause has been uneventful yet full of emotion. I hate when I cry. Somehow though I have become really good at it. Dropped a hat did you? The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish? family commercial on TV about Al Fresco cooked chicken sausage, yup tears, WTF?

Last year before Christmas I was doing so well. I had lost 60 pounds. I was feeling like I was living my best life and then just like that…snap
shit changed. My MIL was recovering from hip replacement surgery. I volunteered to host Christmas at our house. I never should have suggested it. I let myself become overwhelmed. I turned to my old stand by FOOD. Food never lets me down. I can not resist her charms. Once I start placating myself with treats, I spiral. I gained back almost all of the 60 pounds I lost between December of 2017 and October of 2018! WHY? why will I never learn? I was even dumb enough to host Christmas again this year. HELLO! DUMBASS! Just stop doing this to yourself.

I am fearful of posting the link for my blog on FB anymore. I used to feel safe in the knowledge that I could just be me but my MIL now has an account on social media. I know there is no expectation of privacy on social media but at least I was safe from her prying eyes. Now I feel NAKED. She can see everything. I did not accept her friend request much to the anger of my hubster. She will not understand. She will take it as an attack. It’s not. No matter what I choose to do it will be the wrong choice. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it will happen.

I became the ambassador of adventure, sometime during the summer of 2018. In the midst of my semi-funk I decided that my bestie was too busy to hang with me so…I cheated on our friendship with gals from work. I planned a different adventure almost every Saturday from July to October. I drove, played tour guide, museum curator and foodie extraordinaire. Newport RI mansions, Gloucester’s Hammond Castle and sea shore, Maritime Salem and Hocus Pocus shenanigans. What a whirlwind! that did absolutely nothing to get me out of my funk…amok

Don’t get me wrong it’s not the company. You’ve all been great fun…and oh the fun we’ve had. I am a little broken at the moment. I will be hosting adventures again this year. Why? because it feels wonderful to get away from the muck and boredom of everyday life. I will get my groove back. I refuse to give up. I am trying to find my way back to the happier version of myself.

I have gone back to WWs.  I am sure as soon as I apply myself to the task at hand, relax,  do what I know works I will be back on track. To the people in my life who never give up on me, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my everything. (The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish?) freakin’ menopause, smh!

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!!!!

Framily

I often forget, well, I don’t really forget I get complacent and take for granted all of the things I am grateful for. I had a terrific weekend. I went to a parade in Plymouth MA with a friend. It was a lovely day. A little windy but bright and inviting. I sang to the breakfast crowd at Will & Co. Café. I have a habit of breaking out into song in the oddest of places but I was loving life and I wanted to share my joie de vivre.

My friends (the people I love most in this world) allow me the indulgence to be. I am pretty sure that I have never expressed my gratitude adequately enough. I apologize. You are everything wonderful to me.  I am so lucky to have you in my life. Family is sometimes made up of people you are not related to but who you can relate to.

In recent years I have lost my sister, my mom, my dad; me, but in a different way. It’s  difficult to be thankful. I spent so many years feeling trapped by the constraints of family and its obligations that I never put much thought into what would become of my world when these minor inconveniences were no longer of my daily life. Being part of a family is tough not being part of a family is tougher. I now know what it feels like to get invited to a party where I am the only who shows up in drag. Oh that isolating swirl of emotion that sets you aside from those around you, wonderful really.

I wish I could turn back time. I would hold my mom in my arms and tell her how much I love her because I never told her enough. I would tell my dad he was my hero. I would HUG my kid sister. And I would be thankful for every ugly, angry, happy, loved moment of being part of something.

Do you  know how blessed you are? Find out. Sit back, be quiet. Drink in the laughter of your loved ones. Embrace what you have been given, make a memory and hold on as long as you can. somethinggratitude

 

 

 

 

The Comfort Zone…

…and I how I escaped. On this crazy journey to the best version of myself I wandered a little from my path and entered  the comfort zone. That false plateau with the fluffy comfortable furniture and tasty snacks where nothing EVER seems to happen.padded cell Last year during this same stretch of September my beloved Pops passed away. I have struggled to stay on my path since. I will not give up. I absolutely refuse to go back to where I once was.

While dearest hubster and I enjoyed vacation earlier this month, I took the time to throw myself out of the comfortable place. I have been lounging in there for too long. It’s been a great party, Pity, but really you must be going now. Do you think I’ll ever learn? not to give into my darker side? I hope someday I will be stronger.

I am proud of myself; I am into my second completed week of going to the gym! {Enthusiastic cheer} and this morning I went with a friend to my very first Tai Chi class. I loved it! Thank you Christine = ) I left there feeling calmer, relaxed and refreshed. After class we took time to get in a two mile walk. Stress is an everyday life occurrence for people in all walks of life. Some days I handle it well, others not so much. For most of this week I was not in a good head space. I miss my Pops. It seems surreal to me that he has been gone for a year; I have struggled with a depression brought on by his passing and the void it left in my life.

I didn’t have things going on in my life to fill the space where he once was. I have spent most of the past year maintaining the weight I am currently enjoying. VICTORY! VICTORY! If you know me you have an idea how HUGE that is. My usual operating parameter is to go full on eat until my soul is numb and broken. I am just not interested in punishing myself anymore for feeling sad. I lost a wonderful human being. There will always be a void but it has gotten smaller because the sadness is slowly changing into peace and acceptance of the situation. I am different. I have changed. I want to be in my life even when it is ugly and uncomfortable.

It is time I return to myself and the things I find joy in. Wherever I go I take myself along. It’s time to put my grief in my pocket and test the world again.  I am most happy when I am honest about my feelings. I am most successful when I give myself permission to fail. I learn the most by never giving up.

Too pooped for Prose

Often I have sat on this side of my keyboard waxing poetic about the goings on in my life or the spinnings of my mind. I started on this writing journey with the thought that I could rediscover myself by sharing my soul with a close friend. I only ever intended to ride the bus not pick up the passengers but here we are. I try to write something new every Friday night. I write about whatever I find floating around in my grey matter. I post my finished musings onto my Facebook page and if I am lucky a few fellow bloggers happen upon my post or they find a keyword tag that sends them to my blog. Thanks for all the follows and good vibes.  ;  )

I guess what surprises me the most is how similar we all are. I have had more than one friend/follower/co-worker ask me or comment to me about how I seem to be able to “know” how they are feeling. Honestly I don’t; but, I know how I feel. I kept all those “feelings” to myself for years because I was afraid of being judged for being real. Well, guess what, too bad so sad, we all have stories to tell. Some are funny, some are poignant, some are just depressing. It’s all Okay. Any one who is truly in your life already knows the hot mess that you are and they choose to love you anyway so why not “love” yourself? Be in your moments, invite the neighbors, make new friends…

I have reached that magical time in my life where I finally feel like I have something to give to others. Turns out it is me. = ) Who knew? I sure in Hell didn’t for a really LONG time. It is a great time to be alive but only if you are willing to live a little, love a lot and forgive shit you can’t change or control.

I try to blog once a week. Last week I JUST wasn’t feeling it. I was tired, grumpy, and I hate to say it; I felt like the little old lady I am slowing turning into. While I was growing up I dreamt of being older, I never realized someday I WOULD BE! I guess you could say I’m living the dream!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!!

Sunshine

Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.