Tag: happy

3:33A.M.

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WHY? am I awake at this feckin’ early hour? Simple the pain of being. I am older and as such sometimes my body hurts, a lot. In my past I have broken a leg, an ankle, and my acromion ( top of one’s shoulder )of my right arm. My hips ache and my bony knees need cushioning while I sleep. There was no article of reference for this in my “How to Adult” booklet that was handed out in tenth grade! Wait, What? there was no hand out? WTF, serious mistake made by someone in Housekeeping that is all I can say.

The hubster and I are on our yearly two week break from taking orders and behaving like adults venture. I know most people refer to this time as vacation but seeing as we STAYcation most years it doesn’t hold the same allure for me. I do enjoy a good stretch of time off for good behavior though, truth be told. Anyone who knows me understands that I loathe my birthday; a long standing tradition of mine dating back to when I was wee, when I lacked the understanding of sharing a birthday with the county that I call home. One of us (not me, just to clarify) has much better fireworks and guest participation.

I have learned from the older version of myself that my Birthday can be quite amazing if I just go with the flow and set my inner child expectations to low instead of STUN. This year’s birthday; however, did indeed STUN. Hubby and I ventured to Gillette Stadium to go our first ever professional soccer game. We met up with some friends from our extended hockey family, tailgated (another first), laughed, and enjoyed our surroundings, the mayhem of the crowds, the heat of excitement and post game fireworks and music.

SO many things were different this rotation around the SUN this July versus last July. I know most people live January 1st to January 1st but my calendar is July to July, sorry not sorry. If you are a fellow July Peep, you get it. It’s not my fault the rest of the World lives within the Gregorian Calendar, formerly known as Julian time. I march to beat of the TRISH event calendar. Huzzah! I say! WHAT? Last year I was in turmoil. I was getting over major surgery. I was not in a healthy mind space. I felt adrift. Life moves on; if you can accept that some times paths, courses, and people change. I have changed. My tastes in all things is on a path of discovery. I am learning new things, accepting new challenges, meeting new people, I am maintaining my weight loss! For the very first time in my old lady life, I am choosing to stay healthy. I am wearing last seasons SUMMER clothes! Huge victory for me.

As of this musing, I no longer feel adrift. Who knew this feeling was normal and to be expected after surgery, not me, but then again I have NEVER had major surgery before. Life lesson learned = ) I will never understand why mental health still carries a stigma. Every person who draws breath sometimes struggles with feeling OKAY. I know life is a tough battle that is sometimes carried out on the battlefields of one’s mind. We all have value as individuals. We each have a life story. I am still working on mine. Welcome to the adventure. We will be traveling at a speed in which I feel comfortable. If you are boarding, please have your attitude ( only good vibes accepted at this time) and luggage ready. I promise you love, laughter, acceptance, and a rip roaring good time now and then. Remember…you are enough, you are beautiful, you are loved. Love the people in and around your life. Embrace your moments. SIDE NOTE…? I have even learned to enjoy the ART of a hug. It is sort of like the tiny libraries everyone has on their lawns these days: leave one, take one. LOL

Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant TO BE

Impossible!?

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or is it I’m possible? Sometimes the things we want to accomplish in life are near impossible to obtain. Things and situations we feel we need in our lives can seem out of our reach: the perfect job, the perfect spouse, THE HOUSE of our dreams, the gaggle of cool friends. It can all be yours. You just have to believe in yourself, that your dreams are possible, and…then WORK your ass off to achieve your goals. I mean, sure, maybe there is no such thing as a perfect spouse but love eventually finds its way to most people. It can feel like perfection if the chemistry is right and both players are not ass hats. I never wanted perfect just someone to love; to love what we made together (our life), and to accept that our road might have twists, turns, adventures, and a never ending supply of sarcasm. I am thankful we both have jobs (far from perfect), we eventually bought a house we both love (not the dream house) and we have some pretty amazing friends.

Right now as I sit in my office waxing on, I can hear my Mr. Right yelling, “shoot the puck!” at his computer. I never used to believe in finding a Mr. Right but rather a “Mr. You’ll Do For Now” as I always seemed to get whoever was left! over. Funny how life surprised me, how it keeps on surprising me. I know he is watching or listening to a hockey game. He is in his happy zone even if it doesn’t always sound that way. I am happy, drinking coffee, planning adventures for the up coming summer season and feeling that my “dreams” are possible. It is possible for me to? do whatever I set my mind to.

Letting go of something that doesn’t fit into my life anymore is hard for me but I am getting to a better place about it everyday. Change what you can when you must. Accept that which is unacceptable. Acceptance is the key to becoming a better version of yourself.

Food for thought? One cannot unfry an egg nor can One drink from an empty cup.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Changes

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Some times I become very aggravated because life can feel like a cycle of routine where nothing ever changes, nothing is ever new, exciting, wonderful. AND…I am so wrong about that, so so wrong. I think if this viral attack on the world has taught me anything I can honestly say that life is ever changing. Life moves at its pace not mine. Slow your roll, I’ll get to it. i think I finally get it.

March 19, 2020 seems like a lifetime ago. Hubster and I had just finished lunch. We were spending a few moments as a couple before returning to our respective duties as employees, when all hell rained down. Everyone at our warehouse was furloughed immediately until further notice. 

Today is May 29, 2020 . We are in the 72nd day of together time! 72 days of every meal being made by me, every grocery run, every chore, every errand, every, Every, EVERY, eVeRy thing rests on me. I do it alone. I GOT ANGRY yesterday, over the top anger. Listen, I know it is my fault. I spent my childhood watching my Dad do everything for my Mom. I hated how she was. She was so damaged from her traumatic childhood she never truly lived a full healthy wonderful life and my Dad enabled her. I swore my marriage would be different. So I spoiled my hubby. BIG MISTAKE! My mistake. Just like my Dad, I am an enabler. 

No matter how much a person tries you can not unfry an egg. 

Having a blog is a wonderful thing. Having a blog is a terrifying thing. I can be myself at the keyboard. The only time I really feel pressure about what I write is if I think my MIL is trolling or I leak my frustrations out about my hubster. Truths even when they are only mine can hurt the people on its periphery. I was angry with myself so yes, I yelled and carried on at my hubby. He can be such a lump sometimes but he is my lump. In sickness and in health…traditional vows blah, blah, blah…Here is my view, my truth. iloveu

Loving is not easy. I often do not love myself.  True love is more than a feeling. It is actions. ACTION by its very nature is a verb. Love is something that dies when not shared or rejected but its strength so powerful that it won’t be forgotten. It can not be contained. Nor can it be controlled or measured or handed out. It is given willingly. It lasts. It takes commitment from all parties to remain true. Love defines each relationship in its own unique wonderful way. Never take anyone’s love for granted. It is the best gift they will ever give you.

I apologized for yelling. I could’ve handle that so much better, maybe next time. Who knows? Everything changes…even me.

A Fit About FIT

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I guess my question to those who make dress clothes for “overweight nation’ is, why do you insist on multiple closures on a pair of pants that are countersunk or gathered? Isn’t it humiliating enough that often my clothes are of garish prints and horrible materials?

I am overweight. I am not void of style. You, dear clothing manufacturer just make it more difficult to express. I have struggled with finding the who that I am. I clearly, solidly identify as female but your clothing forces me to shop in mens clothing sometimes and I feel generic. While I am on the subject, what is it with all the size increments? I might be a 17 Junior or an 18 or a 18 Misses but more likely I could be an 18 Womans? and you wonder why females have body image issues!img_20181020_131256399-1932535022.jpg

Recently I have come to the decision that I miss being happy, truly happy. I am in my life everyday and yet there are things I keep missing like the joy of a sunny day, laughs with a good friend, taking a walk on a calm day, being okay with the person that I am at this moment. I just want peace in my life.

I have always been more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of a girl. Poet blouses and soft sweaters. I would love a new pair of cowgirl boots = ). I am going to go back to the version of myself I feel most comfortable with. I like who I am! I just didn’t believe in me. I let the pressures of trying to be someone and something I am not guide my choices.

It is never too late to chose happiness. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

I would like to say thank you to all of the women in my life that accept me just as I am. I think that you are all amazing, beautiful, supportive, kind, generous…some times in life one can be surrounded by great people and not realize it. The true blessing is being smart enough to recognize your good fortune.

 

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The Unbirthday

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It’s a marvelous concept, find happiness in the 364 other days of the year that are not about you and celebrate your UNBIRTHDAY. My real birthday is hiding just around the corner and I hate her. My birthday always disappoints me. I won’t let myself be happy on that day. I have a tendency to become withdrawn and melancholy because I set the bar of expectations way too high. I decided that this year I was going to use this time of Unbirthday  to celebrate the people in my life and for once give presents instead of feeling sorry for myself because there is no one (except hubby, of course) to have a party with.

You know what? I am happy. I am looking forward to being on vacation and just living in the moment. Sure I have less family but I have discovered I have more people in my life that I enjoy and that I talk with and laugh with than I have ever had before. I am blessed.  Reap what you sow. Send kindness and joy out into the world and see what rewards you truly gather.

UNBIRTHDAY

Sunshine

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Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.

Say Hello Wave Goodbye

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Have I ever told you before that February is the LONGEST month of the year? Well, trust me, it is. February is the bottom of the barrel month for me. My ambition and energy are usually at an all time low. There is the slightest hint of Spring to the air but like a sealed box of jelly doughnuts it taunts me =  (  I want to be able to come home from a day on the job, grab a quick snack and hit the great outdoors for a short walk around my block. Right now I am far too busy watching my walkway for ice patches so I don’t hurt my old lady bits.

Contrary to popular belief I do not bounce (unless my bra hookup goes awry)!Tonight I am supposed to be hitting a friend’s house to go to book club but I am worn out. I have decided to be kind to myself and stay home. I am going to turn the heat up in my house, wrap myself in a snuggly blankie and play online video games with my hubby = ) Sometimes even I forget to take care of my needs. I really need to sit, be quiet within my mind and listen to what my soul is telling me. Am I in a good place? Yes, I am. I am allowing myself to be at peace with who I am. I am enjoying my journey. I feel so much more alive. Even though I know happiness is fleeting and cannot be forced or saved; I might even take a risk and say that I am happy. I have given up worrying about whether or not happiness will last and instead I am enjoying its company while it is here.

Maybe wisdom really does come with age and life experience. Life is not about the destination but in the journey getting there.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Happy Anniversary Baby!

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Got you on my mind. A catchy opening line from the Little River Band song. It’s really a song about a break up and the lingering feelings you have for that relationship. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my breakup with myself. Last year I decided I had had enough of mistreating myself and not loving who I am. So I let that destructive relationship go.

=  ) best thing I have done for myself in a long time. Today I am in a much better state of health but more than that I am happy with who I am. All it took was the spark of hope, a pinch of belief, support from the people in my life(thank you peeps),determination to reach for the stars and HARD WORK.

I am worth it. I am not the weak one. Failure is not in the trying and falling down. Failing is when you fall down and stay there. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be! I end my posts with this saying because it helps me to correct my path when I stray. I want to be the best example of myself.

Once upon a time … I felt like a beach ball with soft spots that wouldn’t stay concealed. Any idea how weary a gal can becoming spinning in her own circle of doom?  A self- perpetuating prophecy:   I can’t lose weight because I eat too much. I eat too much because I am angry. I am angry because I am unhappy. I am unhappy because I am heavy so I eat too much to distract my soul from my shortcomings which leads me to eat too much because I am angry that I can not let go of my anger so I cry because I know there has to be a better way but first I will eat this cake so I will “feel” better.  I was not getting better. I was harming myself. And the cycle needed to stop. So I took a chance on me. I stopped the cycle. I am living my moments and trying to take something good from them everyday. It hasn’t been easy, change never is but it is worth every rough patch and bump on the road. I accept sometimes mistakes will be made. I am just not willing to live in my mistakes instead I ty to learn from them and do better.

I found my true smile, not the one you paint on for other people. Do you know what I am talking about? Not the smile each of us use to cover anger and frustration, not that one, the other one, the real one you keep for yourself when you make the funny joke or solve the unsolvable puzzle or you are overjoyed by a random act of kindness or the smile love leaves you with. It is a simple thing, a true thing, beautiful really. It is contagious and makes even the most dour face shine. It costs nothing but it’s value is immeasurable when given away freely. Give one away today and see where it takes you.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!  =  )

 

New Weigh

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I have always held the belief that OVER eating is more than just not knowing when you have had enough of a good thing. For me indulging in the dark arts ( cookies, cakes ) has always been about my fear and anger of handling/not handling my own pain or discomfort. Growing up feeling inadequate with no one to tell me life is a learning curve, that we grow as we grow was tough. When I needed to be comforted and no one was there, food always was. If I was busy stuffing food into my mouth I couldn’t cry about feeling unloved. Food was always on stand by for times when I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or enough of whatever magical ingredient seemed to have not been shipped with my arrival into the world.

Food can not make you happy for long. Just like its calories, it is an empty friend. The only thing it ever truly gives me is heartache. Food can not hold my hand or help me to see that I am strong enough to work my way through the hard times. Food does not build character it tears down whatever small foundation I may have managed to put together. Food has proven to me that I have real weaknesses. It has taught me I can easily be swayed by an over processed smartly wrapped package of nutrient void glob whenever I am trying to avoid myself. Problems do not go away simply because I prefer them to.

I made the choice to get better. I am the only one who can guarantee my success by never giving up on trying to become the best version of myself. I decided to make peace with myself. The road is not always easy to travel but, what an amazing journey I am on.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

The Eye of the Beholder

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True beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. My face looking back at my own amazement over the realization that my face looks leaner. Gone are the full cheeks and double chins. I can’t help myself, I break into a full on smile nearly blinding myself with my own pearly whites! A huge NSV! I finally am noticing that all of my hard work is paying off.

There I am right where I left me! I knew I was somewhere close by. This is the version of myself that I feel like on the inside. The beauty matching on both sides. I feel like I  will accomplish anything I put my mind too. It is a wonderful feeling. I forgot how awesome being happy with myself felt. I have felt so beaten by life for so long that I forgot how happy felt. I am no fool, well, I try not to be. I know that happy is a fickle bitch and I should never completely trust that she will stick around but for right now I love her.

I am sitting in my office trying to get this to post and not fall asleep while typing. I am freezing, a side effect from the weight loss, and I have a headache. Holiday season has always been tough for me but I am determined not to eat my way through them this year. I am donating all of the clothes that I am shrinking out of to charity. I could store them in my closet, so I will have something to wear for when I “give up”, but I refuse to undermine my best efforts.  This time I will not give up; this time I will follow through. I will finish the entire course not just the front nine.

Everyday…I try to do better than the day before. I try to learn something new.  I try to remember to be thankful for one small thing.  I try to gently remind myself that I am made of the right stuff, that I deserve to know self acceptance. I talk to myself a lot! Thank God this time around I am actually listening = ) I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this and I will.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be