The Unbirthday

It’s a marvelous concept, find happiness in the 364 other days of the year that are not about you and celebrate your UNBIRTHDAY. My real birthday is hiding just around the corner and I hate her. My birthday always disappoints me. I won’t let myself be happy on that day. I have a tendency to become withdrawn and melancholy because I set the bar of expectations way too high. I decided that this year I was going to use this time of Unbirthday  to celebrate the people in my life and for once give presents instead of feeling sorry for myself because there is no one (except hubby, of course) to have a party with.

You know what? I am happy. I am looking forward to being on vacation and just living in the moment. Sure I have less family but I have discovered I have more people in my life that I enjoy and that I talk with and laugh with than I have ever had before. I am blessed.  Reap what you sow. Send kindness and joy out into the world and see what rewards you truly gather.

UNBIRTHDAY

Sunshine

Every morning during my work week I get out of bed before 5 am. I gather the things I need for my shower. I waltz into the kitchen and start the coffee. I bring my stuffs into the bathroom. I try to float around in the quietness between my husband’s sleep sounds and our cat’s need for immediate attention. She is a bit of a diva and can become quite loud if I fail to pay attention to her before I get into the shower. I love my mornings. It is the only time of day I am completely alone with my thoughts. I turn on my laptop, I begin to think about my day. I look forward to Friday. I needed Friday afternoon to come early this week but it rolled along following its own schedule as usual. I am tired. My feet hurt. I want the beauty of Spring, her gentle warming breezes and the way her foliage brings the smile out of an otherwise gloomy day.

Sometimes the sunshine we so desperately need comes from the people in our lives. Last night hubster and I stepped away from our usual Thursday night adventures and went to a hockey event. There have been far too many tears from me lately and not enough things to smile about. I wasn’t looking forward to being a part of a “hockey family” again. I have been enjoying the peace of FREE TIME. I did not want to go to this event but love sometimes requires us to partake in things as a show of support for something our loved ones are mad for. So loving my hubster, I drove him to be with his hockey peeps.

The smile of recognition from a face across the room tells me she is glad I came to the event. We make small talk. I congratulate her on her new grand baby. I think his name is wonderful and a strong indicator that he will do grand things with his life. I mean this. I tell her I am happy that she and her husband have bought season tickets for the upcoming season. She tells me is happy to see me. She tells me she loves reading my blog. My heart melts…and swells with pride at the same instant. How can I ever tell her what those little words of sunshine mean to me?

Sunshine needs no introduction. We have all felt her warmth, her vibrancy. Happy to be by her side; we miss her when she is gone. We write songs in her honor and poems extolling her virtues. Sometime friends are the sunshine you have been longing for. Lately I have been searching for my happy.

Last night I found it. Thank you for being the ray of sunshine I needed.

Say Hello Wave Goodbye

Have I ever told you before that February is the LONGEST month of the year? Well, trust me, it is. February is the bottom of the barrel month for me. My ambition and energy are usually at an all time low. There is the slightest hint of Spring to the air but like a sealed box of jelly doughnuts it taunts me =  (  I want to be able to come home from a day on the job, grab a quick snack and hit the great outdoors for a short walk around my block. Right now I am far too busy watching my walkway for ice patches so I don’t hurt my old lady bits.

Contrary to popular belief I do not bounce (unless my bra hookup goes awry)!Tonight I am supposed to be hitting a friend’s house to go to book club but I am worn out. I have decided to be kind to myself and stay home. I am going to turn the heat up in my house, wrap myself in a snuggly blankie and play online video games with my hubby = ) Sometimes even I forget to take care of my needs. I really need to sit, be quiet within my mind and listen to what my soul is telling me. Am I in a good place? Yes, I am. I am allowing myself to be at peace with who I am. I am enjoying my journey. I feel so much more alive. Even though I know happiness is fleeting and cannot be forced or saved; I might even take a risk and say that I am happy. I have given up worrying about whether or not happiness will last and instead I am enjoying its company while it is here.

Maybe wisdom really does come with age and life experience. Life is not about the destination but in the journey getting there.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Happy Anniversary Baby!

Got you on my mind. A catchy opening line from the Little River Band song. It’s really a song about a break up and the lingering feelings you have for that relationship. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my breakup with myself. Last year I decided I had had enough of mistreating myself and not loving who I am. So I let that destructive relationship go.

=  ) best thing I have done for myself in a long time. Today I am in a much better state of health but more than that I am happy with who I am. All it took was the spark of hope, a pinch of belief, support from the people in my life(thank you peeps),determination to reach for the stars and HARD WORK.

I am worth it. I am not the weak one. Failure is not in the trying and falling down. Failing is when you fall down and stay there. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be! I end my posts with this saying because it helps me to correct my path when I stray. I want to be the best example of myself.

Once upon a time … I felt like a beach ball with soft spots that wouldn’t stay concealed. Any idea how weary a gal can becoming spinning in her own circle of doom?  A self- perpetuating prophecy:   I can’t lose weight because I eat too much. I eat too much because I am angry. I am angry because I am unhappy. I am unhappy because I am heavy so I eat too much to distract my soul from my shortcomings which leads me to eat too much because I am angry that I can not let go of my anger so I cry because I know there has to be a better way but first I will eat this cake so I will “feel” better.  I was not getting better. I was harming myself. And the cycle needed to stop. So I took a chance on me. I stopped the cycle. I am living my moments and trying to take something good from them everyday. It hasn’t been easy, change never is but it is worth every rough patch and bump on the road. I accept sometimes mistakes will be made. I am just not willing to live in my mistakes instead I ty to learn from them and do better.

I found my true smile, not the one you paint on for other people. Do you know what I am talking about? Not the smile each of us use to cover anger and frustration, not that one, the other one, the real one you keep for yourself when you make the funny joke or solve the unsolvable puzzle or you are overjoyed by a random act of kindness or the smile love leaves you with. It is a simple thing, a true thing, beautiful really. It is contagious and makes even the most dour face shine. It costs nothing but it’s value is immeasurable when given away freely. Give one away today and see where it takes you.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!  =  )

 

New Weigh

I have always held the belief that OVER eating is more than just not knowing when you have had enough of a good thing. For me indulging in the dark arts ( cookies, cakes ) has always been about my fear and anger of handling/not handling my own pain or discomfort. Growing up feeling inadequate with no one to tell me life is a learning curve, that we grow as we grow was tough. When I needed to be comforted and no one was there, food always was. If I was busy stuffing food into my mouth I couldn’t cry about feeling unloved. Food was always on stand by for times when I wasn’t good enough or pretty enough or enough of whatever magical ingredient seemed to have not been shipped with my arrival into the world.

Food can not make you happy for long. Just like its calories, it is an empty friend. The only thing it ever truly gives me is heartache. Food can not hold my hand or help me to see that I am strong enough to work my way through the hard times. Food does not build character it tears down whatever small foundation I may have managed to put together. Food has proven to me that I have real weaknesses. It has taught me I can easily be swayed by an over processed smartly wrapped package of nutrient void glob whenever I am trying to avoid myself. Problems do not go away simply because I prefer them to.

I made the choice to get better. I am the only one who can guarantee my success by never giving up on trying to become the best version of myself. I decided to make peace with myself. The road is not always easy to travel but, what an amazing journey I am on.

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To BE

 

The Eye of the Beholder

True beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. My face looking back at my own amazement over the realization that my face looks leaner. Gone are the full cheeks and double chins. I can’t help myself, I break into a full on smile nearly blinding myself with my own pearly whites! A huge NSV! I finally am noticing that all of my hard work is paying off.

There I am right where I left me! I knew I was somewhere close by. This is the version of myself that I feel like on the inside. The beauty matching on both sides. I feel like I  will accomplish anything I put my mind too. It is a wonderful feeling. I forgot how awesome being happy with myself felt. I have felt so beaten by life for so long that I forgot how happy felt. I am no fool, well, I try not to be. I know that happy is a fickle bitch and I should never completely trust that she will stick around but for right now I love her.

I am sitting in my office trying to get this to post and not fall asleep while typing. I am freezing, a side effect from the weight loss, and I have a headache. Holiday season has always been tough for me but I am determined not to eat my way through them this year. I am donating all of the clothes that I am shrinking out of to charity. I could store them in my closet, so I will have something to wear for when I “give up”, but I refuse to undermine my best efforts.  This time I will not give up; this time I will follow through. I will finish the entire course not just the front nine.

Everyday…I try to do better than the day before. I try to learn something new.  I try to remember to be thankful for one small thing.  I try to gently remind myself that I am made of the right stuff, that I deserve to know self acceptance. I talk to myself a lot! Thank God this time around I am actually listening = ) I am beautiful. I am strong. I can do this and I will.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Choices

I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; )  Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?

No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!

This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate.  I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Vacation?

I try to write something new every Friday night before my Saturday WWs meeting. I usually have ideas filtering through my mind all week, so there really isn’t much of an issue for me to find the right words for how I am feeling. I sit at my laptop and engage you in a (one-sided conversation) like we are together in a room, enjoying a drink and catching up on our busy lives. I didn’t do it this past Friday. I am sorry  =(     I decided I was on a vacation. Ok, that’s not really true; I was just super exhausted. I fell asleep half undressed before 9 p.m.

I wanted to spend some father /daughter time with my Pops. I decided to take him out of the nursing home for some fresh air and a haircut. Sometimes when I am on vacation I allow myself to get too busy and I don’t spend much time with him. I am not a Spring chick anymore so by the time I returned him safely to his residence I was POOPED.

Hubby and I went to our favorite local pizza joint for our “yippee we are on vacation” supper. “The plan” was to stay up and watch bad TV, enjoy each others company and then go to bed. I altered “the plan” by walking into the bedroom. I wanted to change into my jammies. I had every intention of joining hubby in the living room. My alarm slammed me awake at the ungawdly hour of 5 a.m. I don’t remember falling asleep. I never made it into my jammies, nor did I brush my teefs (teeth). My morning was less than glorious. I wasn’t feeling it. I had made plans with a friend from work to go on a pre-Zombie adventure to Salem, MA. I didn’t want to go to a meeting. I didn’t want to weigh-in. I didn’t want to go on an adventure. I woke up crabby!

It is rare for me to wake up and be in a bad mood. I assure you it does happen, my hubby can attest to it. I talked myself into getting into the shower. I grudgingly ran through my normal morning routine. I pep talked myself into being in a better mood. I talked to myself all the way to my meeting. I was going to make it a great day. You know what? It turned out to be a GREAT DAY!!!  Attitude really does have a lot to do with how successful or how much we struggle on this path. Once I made up my mind to be in my moment, crabby or no, my attitude changed.

I logged nearly 15,000 steps on Saturday, the most steps I have ever walked in one day ! Kim and I walked all over that crazy town. Kim graciously took my pic with the Bewitched statue. Cross that one off my bucket list. I am proving many things to myself. I am a force. I can do this. I am having fun while doing this. No one can do it for me.  Your life is waiting for you…go find what makes you happy and DO IT! Never give up on the person you are meant to be!

squee

 

Just a Number

I think often in our quest to a better version of ourselves we forget we are more than just a number. THAT ugly number you start with is really a stepping stone on your way to a happier, healthier you.  What brought me to Weight Watchers may not even be close to the reason you joined. That is the great thing about each of us. We are alike yet we stand apart. Unique in our own way.

I was on vacation this week. I am not good at relaxing. I am not always good at adulting either but I never give up. I tried to approach this week from a different view point. I didn’t plan out any of my meals. OH NO! I didn’t “Karenize“. I just went with the flow. You know what? I am Okay. I feel good about the choices I made for myself this week. I didn’t grub down and fill myself with foods I have been saying no to. I stayed on plan as much as I could. I went out to dinner with my hubby. I spent time with my Dad. I read. I watched some TV I have had saved on our DVR for eons. I was IN my moments.

I am more than a number on a scale. I will face whatever the outcome of my choices have led me to. I am worth my journey. I believe in myself. I CAN do anything I set my mind to. Winning this war is about coming prepared for the battles.  I used to be my biggest obstacle like a rockslide in the middle of the road. I got in my own way. I blocked my path. I have since made peace with myself.  This week I focused on the positive things I see in myself, Non Scale Victories, intangible but powerful. I ran up three flights of stairs, without stopping(not out of breath). I walked the long way around to my doctor’s appointment. My face looks thinner when it stares back at me from the mirror. I have “found” my collar bones  =  )  I have more energy. My mind is more focused.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Choose to be happy, to believe in yourself. Trust that you are learning how to live a better way. You are more than a number my friend, you are amazing!

 

 

 

What Makes Us Different…

makes us the same.

It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care.  Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something :  loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.

I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.

I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I  try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change.  I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me.  = )

The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.

You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now.  You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

What makes us different makes us the same  =  ) We can do this Cupcake!