Get Into The Groove

I feel like Stella. I need to find a way to get my groove back. Every day I find myself searching for something I lost along my way but what is it that I have lost? Well, my words for one. I used to be able to sit alone with my thoughts and bang out a blog post about how I was feeling, things I was experiencing, adventures I was having. I like to think that occasionally I made you laugh, cry, think, and maybe remember or appreciate the love you have been gifted with from the people in your life.

Life is in the doing. I guess I need to get back to the doing, going, pursuing, being in my life. I am saddened by the hatred I keep seeing in my feeds on social media. Fake news, fake people, fake lives. It distresses me. I have started to purge people from my lists that bring nothing to the table. No joy, no happiness, no laughter = (equals) no longer on my list of friends.  I am having a difficult enough time not losing my own happiness thread. I really don’t need people unhappy in their own circumstance dragging me into things I know nothing about that I want to know nothing about. I guess you can say I am being smart enough to come in from the rain.

I am not enjoying my journey into menopause. I think it is the most horrible gift the Creator ever bestowed on women. Don’t we suffer enough? I think I would have rather preferred to receive a telegram.

via WESTERN UNION

ATTENTION! stop NEWS FLASH! stop

You are far too old to pro create stop

You will no longer be visited on by FLO stop

Love, your Creator stop

But… we ladies all know that is not what happens. I have noticed that some days I am so warm I could probably dry wet laundry. I am not a small woman. I have only occasionally felt the ickyness of boob sweat, eww so gross, no seriously never before in my life have my boobs been so prone to sweat, yuck. I even thought about buying TaTa towels® but l lack the confidence to buy them online. Can I get someone to please tell me why I find everything so worthy of tears? I have never been a big crier. My forte has always been ANGER. Resting Bitch Face a daily exercise when faced with a situation I wanted no part of. Now, I find myself crying over, I am sorry to say it but it is true, spilt milk.

There are other troubling things though I have not seen them yet, I am warned that my beautiful hair will thin as my waist line expands. Since I am already overweight I hope this part does not come true. I like my hair the way it is, on my head, and I really want my waist line to thin down. I have been working on the latter for some 25 years now! I’d really hate for the struggle to be over before I am truly ready to give up and throw in the TaTa towel®

 

Love Handles

I was thinking in the shower this morning, while I was shaving my legs of all things, that lately I feel like my love handles have turned into carry-on luggage.

It is no big secret that I jumped off my wagon and pushed that bitch right off a cliff but the time has come for me to get back to the journey at hand. This morning I woke up with a feeling that there is a fast approaching corner that I am speeding into. I need a new wagon. I need to start managing my health in a different way.

Hockey starts next month and then in short order, my anger becomes a problem, for me. I turn this misplaced disappointment in on myself. I sulk, I feel sorry for myself, and then I eat things no serious diabetic should. I feel trapped by something that is not my passion. The days get shorter as well as my temper. I say hurtful things, sometimes to the people I love the most. Hockey and all things pursuant of hockey is my hubster’s passion, not mine.  His full on zest for hockey has killed all of the like I once held for this sport. Every year I promise myself not to sit at the booster club table and eat the candy…every year that promise lasts maybe ten minutes. I will not do this to myself this year.

If you really read my blog and not just “like” it to be nice, you know that I often say never under estimate what you mean to someone. I am always surprised when someone from WWs reaches out to me and asks how I have been or why I have stopped going or the level of kindness that is shown to me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. I really like the back and forth when I am at a meeting. I have met many amazing people. I make them laugh, they make me think. I just wish the corporate side of WWs would stop reinventing their program EVERY YEAR! We all know that if you eat twice as much as you need, you will weigh twice as much as you should! I am always the one I hurt the most when I give up on myself. It is time I start to believe in what I am capable of again. I miss feeling wonderful, healthy, and alive!

I have been wanting to return for some time now but have lacked the faith in myself to overcome my fear of failure. Failure is a great teacher, even if she is a bitch to live with. Failure has taught me that I have the strength to try again. I am more than I think I am.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

 

 

muffintop
A movie? Seriously? 
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muffin top anyone?

 

And So The Story Goes…

… Once upon a time in the Woo there lived a malcontent that went by the name of  Didi(disappointed damsel in distress). Okay, so maybe there are three Ds but did you really think I was going to call myself the girl with the Triple Ds? Not going to do it, nope.

I have had a very interesting July/August so far. I have made myself get out into the world for Saturday adventures with people in and around my life. It has RAINED every single trip. I must say that all of my companions have been great sports about the weird weather. The question is, what am I looking for? Why do I feel the need to chase peace? I am trying to have fun hitting some of my favorite spots with new people and exploring new places with companions I have adventured with before. Why does it feel like I am just going through the motions? When will I start to feel the wonder, the excitement, the rush of adrenaline from the unknown variables that make adventures enjoyable? Do you know the feeling I am talking about? It’s that child like awe of Christmas mornings, that intangible feeling of awesomeness from the things, the sights, the smells all around you.

It begins as it always does with the mere glimmer in my thoughts that I can do better, that I can be better. I am slowly returning to myself. I let myself get too caught up in the WWs mantra and lost me on the way. I am back on my journey. I am trying to make healthier food choices. I know what I am doing. I just have to believe I can do it. Hell, I have been doing this since I was in my 20s. I had zero confidence when I was younger. No belief in my own power. I felt at odds. There are no established rules about growing into the amazing person you are meant to be. It comes with self acceptance, friends that love you, people in your life who get you, and a glimmer of light that comes from your soul. Remember  just because you are able to recognize the beauty in others does not mean you are good at recognizing it in yourselves! I have always made the mistake that my beauty is less than someone else’s, which is an untruth. My beauty is uniquely mine.

I have truly been blessed and foolishly I have been wasting so much time feeling unworthy. Every time I embrace who I know I am, I am better. I do better. I believe in myself. It is my inability or my unwillingness to let go of my anger that harms me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I really need to break off from this toxic relationship. Yo, Anger it’s been real but you and me, we have to go our separate ways. I know you think you are protecting me but it’s a lie I like to trick myself into believing.

 

I face tomorrow with a renewed hope in myself. This time I will hold on so I can see what is on the other side of the rainbow. Never Give Up On The Person You Are meant To BE!

life-quote

What About Today?

I mean what about it? I am in any given day but rarely is about today. This day, the NOW. I am giving up on the things that just don’t make me happy. I am in the Autumn of my life. You know that crazy dozen or so years where we the older generation folks go through all of our worldly possessions and think, “Why the f*ck did I waste money on that? We relegate our life’s belongings into neat piles: donate, keep, BURN. I am saying good bye to my dreams for Tomorrow Land. A land that exists only in dreams where everything is shiny and perfect and? I am sure whatever you need it to be. The only day anyone ever has is today. Why have I been putting my whole life on hold waiting for a better tomorrow? I am never going to be… (the list is really super long so let’s just say that I am who I am )… and that’s okay. I am setting the balloon of expectations free to go haunt someone else with unrealistic goals ( good luck honey whoever you are ). It turns out those dreams were set in the false belief that I would never know profound love if I was not perfect. WRONG!

I am not going to keep being my own biggest disappointment. I am fluffy. I have been in various stages of fluffiness my entire life. I have spent endless vacations, birthdays, anniversaries, regular life days, banking holidays, you name it, raging over my inability to slim down so I might be lucky enough to be considered desirable as a person. Somehow being “perfect” might make it easier for people to love me or like me or want to be my friend or? What a waste of a perfectly good lifetime. Guess what? I am beautiful. My soul filled with love, kindness, understanding, compassion. I just struggle with believing it for some reason. Somewhere in my childhood someone must have made me feel like I deserved less. I decided this morning that I don’t care anymore. I am embracing my truth. I am Trish! Hear me, see me, enjoy me, be part of my life, don’t be part of my life but from now on I am LIVING for today.

Friday Night Freedom

I chose quiet over crowds. I chose silence over screaming. I chose to be comfortable in front of my laptop screen unwinding from my work day instead of going to a hockey game tonight with my hubby. I just need a break from all the noise. This is about me making some much needed quiet time for myself. I don’t often talk about what it is that I do for a living to pay my bills, I don’t want to bore the snot out of you. Let’s suffice to say that yes, I am gainfully employed and be done with that messy business. I think I can say with all honesty that we all have the same frustrations in common. I gave up a boring job in a boring department to move onto the bright lights of a job no one had before me. Nothing like jumping out of an airplane without a chute. I always wanted to learn to fly.

I have worked for the same company for just shy of thirty-four years! We are like an old married couple afraid to move on to greener pastures, finding comfort in each others existence but most days the sight of you turns my stomach. Wow! when did this happen you might be wondering? I think somewhere in the late 1990s if I were to wager a guess. But there is something to be said about the sameness of something. There is comfort in routine. I like to think that I am good at what I do. But…sometimes I just want to be an extra in a Hollywood production of “This COULD Be Your Life But It Isn’t” Change my routine, have some fun, think outside the box. When I first started my JOB I was barely nineteen. I often joke with new hires and visitors that when I started my job I was young and beautiful; now, I am just beautiful. The crowd laughs but it always makes me a little sad.

I now belong to that crowd of “not young anymore”. I have been downgraded to the  “matronly” category. Thank the Fountain of Youth gods I haven’t hit the “older than dirt, die or retire” set just yet. Not “old” old just older. I am not having an easy go at it. I feel out of step now. My life is ok, I feel vibrant and alive. It’s just I feel like all the people I work with are so much YOUNGER than I am. Once upon a time I was on their side of the tracks now I live on the dark side. Growing up I loved that Disney movie Freaky Friday but this is ridiculous. Some mornings I do feel like the crypt keeper. People around me ask for my sage advice; while I am honored it kinda bums me out. It bothers me more than I like to admit, must be my “age” hang up. I know I need to find my zone. I need to reacquaint myself with my inner child, find my internal fountain of youth. Maybe I am just suffering with that ‘lack of energy and enthusiasm (lethargy) which can be a sign of winter depression. Known medically as seasonal affective disorder (SAD)’. They actually have a depression syndrome called SAD!  How poetic. Nice that science finally admits that winter makes people sad! About damn time sciency people! About damn time.

I love Maxine. She is my spirit animal. I am already feeling better. I have enjoyed being alone with my thoughts. Time for me to get back into the mainstream of my life.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To Be

 

Saved

Lately I have been allowing myself to wallow in my sadness. I’ve kept warm with a side of self pity for good measure. I have come to a place where I have plateaued on my journey because of my actions. While I was busy contemplating my importance in the space time continuum, actually trying to decide if I wanted to keep trying or throw my hands up in faux despair and fail; I was saved. Yes, I said saved…by a set of bra hooks.

One of my best feel good moments is my sense of accomplishment. How wonderful to know the feeling of satisfaction over a job well done. Bras are the worst invention, torture for a gal with some fluff to her form. I have hated bras my whole breast laden adulthood. The other day as I was getting myself dressed for work it dawned on me. I LIKE my bras! Not for their supporting role in my life (pun intended) but because for the first time in my womanhood they fit. Not last set of hooks before I have to size up FIT but third set in I have to go be fitted for a smaller bra FIT. THAT FIT! They fit because I made a choice to start taking better care of myself. I felt a sense of pride in myself and a flash of happiness I haven’t experienced in quite some time. My journey is not over. I have accomplished a lot in a year. I feel more alive, more beautiful than I ever have. I have more work to do. I am willing to put in the work. I want to keep doing the right things for my health.

When I walked back into WWS last February my bras were stretched to their limit. You know what happens when you try to squeeze ten pounds of mud into a five pound sack? Back bulge, side ooze, unicleavage. All embarrassing, all uncomfortable but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make to keep the façade hidden. I didn’t want anyone to know how tight I felt in my own skin. So I lied to myself to keep the anger and depression from taking control of my life. I lost that battle over and over. Why do I keep making the same mistakes? Because I haven’t learned enough from them yet. Truth is a double edge weapon; it sets you free but leaves a wound that only time and love can cure.

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I have always been girl lost. I try everyday to become woman found. It is not an easy job. I am worth the best version of myself.  The sadness I am trying to work through is a temporary thing. The sun will shine another day. I will welcome its beauty again with open arms to enjoy the warmth on my soul. When I am struggling to make it to the end of a tough day I will remember that once upon a time a set of bra hooks set my efforts on a new path. I am worth the struggle.

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Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant to Be  =  )

The Usual/Unusual

I have been called many things in my life ; weird, strange, odd, peculiar even unusual. Fine by me, I have rather enjoyed being a square peg in a round hole kind of world.  I have felt at odds with myself this past week. I have gone to extraordinary measures to punish myself for imagined shortcomings.  Guilt does not have an exclusive contract with anyone. It is a rotten emotion that is tough to shake.  This week I have been fighting a battle with myself over things beyond my control. I hate to admit this but guilt has been my steady companion.

I gave into the Dark Side. I am here to tell you that yes, they do have cookies. I ate them freely and willing but it is time now to put the emotional pain I am feeling in its proper place. I am not the same person who walks away from her own best success to eat her way through the tough times. Eating a path through your own suffering is like slapping yourself repeatedly to attain a glow to your complexion! Huh? What? I love to obsess. PERSONALITY QUIRK!!!! I love to worry over the smallest details just in case I missed something I can make better. Give it a rest already, Trish!  No one is perfect!

I had to sit myself down, have a heart to heart convo about righting my path. Sometimes the path of least resistance seems like the best idea but for me it always spins out of control somewhere between the cookie and chip aisle. I have no desire to wake up in the Lost and Found Department again wearing three day old pizza stains on my shirt and dried drool on my chin wondering when the party ended and why nobody made sure I got home safely. The older I get the easier it is to become lost and not found. For the first time in my recent history I have been right where I needed to be and I was enjoying how wonderful I was feeling; then Death came to sit with me awhile. While I am happily alive some of the people that were once in my life are now no longer of this life. No problem for them but for me, the gal who prides herself {insert lie} on not feeling {insert lie} the BIG FEELS,  I can’t seem to shake the leftover sadness.

Where am I supposed to spend all of this love that I have sitting around unused? Sadness CAN NOT be cured by eating your way to the bottom of a cookie jar. I will not give up on working to be the better version of myself. The people in my life that love me accept me as I am. It is me that makes the monsters. I chose to silence my emotions with poor food choices. Guess what? My home remedy didn’t work. The only things I accomplished? I made myself sick on junk food. I cried a lot. My anger only grew. The minute I owned what I was doing to myself I began to feel better. I am worth more than I give myself.

One of my favorite quotes by Maya Angelou “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

 

Choices

I start my routine in the darkness of early morning. I have been following this particular routine for many years. Sometimes under the guise of wisdom I try to change my set patterns for a new bag of tricks,which in all honesty, is the same routine only with more swearing caused from not applying my new found wisdom correctly. What? ; )  Sometimes I am such a dumbass! Do I get points for stubbornness? Having routines helps me to stay on point. The only problem is that sometimes I find myself grumbling over being bored. Routines can be so mundane… I fall out of love with having order where once there was chaos. Silly right? Everybody wants peace but if Peace and I go steady too long I get antsy. That is why I created cheat day. It can only happen once in a while and I can’t waste a cheat on something I could have everyday. You know like going hog wild and ordering croutons with my salad. Really? That’s all you got?

No! What I mean is that I allow myself to do or have something I really want. I won’t give into the dark thoughts that swim in the recesses of my mind. Those thoughts try to undermine my success by throwing guilt at the windows. Screw that! I think I have finally learned that it is ok to have a treat every once in a while as long as I stop and ask myself first, “Is this what you really want? or are you needing something else? like validation? or a hug? or some new pants?” Turns out sometimes I am not really looking for something to eat. I am looking for a nap, or a hug or clothes that fit.This morning while I was trying to decide if I should wear a pair of pants that fit or wear the baggier pants, I realized something. It feels great (wonderful and inspiring) to have more choices. Instead of trying to figure out what I am still able to squeeze myself into I have to figure out what won’t fall down around my ankles. It’s a nice choice to have!

This time around the Sound I have approached my weight loss efforts in a totally different way. I’ve changed my routine. I have not bought ONE frozen prepared entrée. I have made a lunch everyday. I have made better fruit and vegetable choices. I have been more patient with myself. I no longer hide my eating; instead I have expressed my needs and fears to my hubby. I am not obsessing over every ounce that I consume. I am having fun. I bought a Jawbone just so I could see if I can beat my own steps from the previous day. When I make a choice to eat something that is off the “grid” I try to leave a few bites behind. THIS IS HUGE for me. I was raised with the thought that leaving something leftover on your plate was not being thankful for what you were given. Horse pucky! It is my educated choice about the non nutritional value of that double dipped, chocolate swirl, caramel sticky bun surrounded with nuts, gooey heaven on my plate.  I only really want you because I am tired or stressed or any other myriad of excuses. It is okay to just have a taste. I can live without you BUN of DOOM! I’d much rather enjoy my new way of living than hang out with you anyway.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Mirror, mirror…

…on my wall.  I have had quite a few things on my mind this week. Thoughts that randomly invade my sleep, thoughts that nag at me in the check out line at the grocery store, questions that come to me when I am mid-conversation with someone. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about where I’ve been, how far I have come, and what is next for me on this adventure. I try to face my fears with humor, determination, and a good anxiety med now and then  o-O .  Last week I told you about my need for new bras. I was nervous about going. I  talked to myself from the time I left my morning meeting until late the next afternoon before I bravely ripped off the Band-Aid of fear, plunging headlong into the experience. You know what? It wasn’t as bad as I remembered; maybe I have changed,opened myself up to a new way of being myself. I am down both a cup size and a band size, Yeah!!!!  =  )   =  )  =  )

It is not just my body that is different. I feel different. Happy in a way I have not been happy in a long time. I noticed for the first time this week that my pace while I walk is quicker. I am not so out of breath any more. My feet don’t hurt.  I feel more confident in my ability to choose the right things for myself. I have enough energy to last through my workday and still have enough reserves left to go shopping or take an evening walk or enjoy extra curricular activities{{wink, wink}}. No nap needed =  ) I know there is more work to be done. I just thought I would take a moment to rest, appreciate the wonders I have seen before I continue the climb.

I look in the mirror. I see my smiling face. There is a feeling a self-worth. I am becoming the woman I want to be. Once upon a time I couldn’t see through my tears. I missed the beauty that was right in front of ME! The beauty (inner) has always been there; I just forgot. Life pushed me hard. I lost my balance. I fell down. I thought I would never be better. I got to a point where I was tired of feeling badly about who I was, who I was allowing myself to be.  I stood up to myself and took control. It has been tough on me to accept that my normal means being ever mindful about my mouthfuls; but, I am a big girl and I am learning to adult. I got this. I am doing this. I own this.

 

re·flec·tion(rĭ-flĕk′shən)n

1.The act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.2. Something, such as light, radiant heat, sound, or an image, that is reflected.3.a. Serious thinking or careful consideration: engaged in reflection on the problem. b. A thought or an opinion resulting from such thinking or consideration: wrote down her reflections.4. An indirect expression of censure or discredit: a reflection on his integrity.5. A manifestation or result: Her achievements are a reflection of her courage.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.