Walk Into A Brighter Future

February 28, 2023 kidtrishLeave a comment

I wonder if you realize how brave you are? how strong? how wise? I admire you. You treat the people around you as if they are an intimate part of your life. You walk this life with a quiet dignity that makes people stop and take notice. You bring calm to a rolling storm with the utterance of a few kind words.

Your life path is headed in a new direction. I am so excited for all of the possibilities that await you. Remember that you are seen that you are enough just as you are and that is where the beauty lives.

I see you for all the things that you are. I see you for all the things you are capable of. I see you for the kindness you carry in your soul. True beauty is found in the things that you do, in what you say and in how you treat others. Kindness is an odd gift. You can be touched by kindness, yet you can’t own it. Its very nature demands that it be given away. That is its secret power. Its strength lies in the act of being given. It is not anyone’s to keep it needs to be shared.

I want you to know how important you are to me, to the people in your life, to you yourself. You are enough. You mean everything to someone. You are loved.

Today this is for me, I needed to remind myself of who I am because I have fought tooth and nail to become a better human. I am not the same person I once was. I like the human I am ever becoming.

In My Own Little Corner…

February 4, 2023 kidtrishLeave a comment

In my own little chair… Rodgers and Hammerstein

I’m as mild and as meek as a mouse
When I hear a command I obey.
But I know of a spot in my house
Where no one can stand in my way.

In my own little corner in my own little chair
I can be whatever I want to be.
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open its arms to me. https://youtu.be/zLzWe2FXMIA

I am a child of the 60s & 70s. There was no internet or shopping on Sunday, no cellphones, and color television was in its youth. Disney was a family event on Sunday nights on NBC (the peacock network) and we watched all of the magic as a family. I first saw Cinderella sometime in the early 70s, not animated but with the most beautiful people a five- or six-year-old girl could ever imagine were real. Our family did not own a color television until the late 70s. As I remember it was not a new purchase but a cast off from a relative who could afford to buy a newer model. The colors on our secondhand TV were skewed a little? People should not be orange hued. Stereo sound was not an option until the 80s, yet I thought our secondhand TV was the most magical gift. Remote control channel changing was not a bonus on this set so one of us (the children, of course) always had to be on the ready for a channel change, which meant dashing across the room to spin the dial. I never wanted this job, as I might miss something of importance in a commercial or the opening scene of a show.

I was smitten (still am) with this adaptation of Cinderella. The actress (Lesley Ann Warren) who played Cinderella was in my young eyes so beautiful, so timid, so brave, so many things I tried to manage my feelings for. I really believed she was in that kitchen by the hearth dreaming of a better place, a happier place, a place where she was not afraid, where she could be anything she dreamed she could be.

Where is the wonder that I once knew? The reality of being an adult is that we lose our ability to see the world as we once did. I am at that point in my own life where all of my “heroes” are leaving this plane of existence. Lisa Loring, Cindy Williams, Olivia Newton-John, Irena Cara, Robbie Coltrane, Kirstie Allie, Sidney Poitier. For the record, Lesley Ann Warren is alive, and hopefully is doing well. In my heart of hearts she will always be my favorite Cinderella although Brandy comes in a very close second place.

To all of the people who have sat in their own little chair dreaming of better versions of themselves or that which surrounds you. I see you. I hear you. We are all capable of being more than we accept. You are ENOUGH. You are LOVED. You are beautiful. You are a wonder! You are everything to those that you love. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
    Of the world for ever, it seems.^[2]

— Stanza 1 from Ode by Arthur O’ Shaughnessy 1873 borrowed by Roald Dahl for inclusion in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Tuesdays with Mary Beth

November 30, 2022 kidtrishLeave a comment

First and foremost, I hate Tuesdays. Adulthood is nothing but living through endless Tuesdays as they plod along on a continuous loop replaying all the drama of the bad decisions you have made in past lives. I know a tad dramatic; but am I wrong? If you work Monday through Friday, no one and I mean no one ever says “Oh, I love TUESDAYs!”

Mondays are what they are. Wednesdays are hump days and who doesn’t enjoy a good…Thursday is payday for most but “the end of the work week is near” for me. Fridays are typical Fri,yay! go out with your friends, relax, order take out, and finish Wednesdays intentions, lol. Saturdays are not heavy with chores and Sunday is what Sunday is. Different for each of us but I try to make my Sunday as worry free and peace filled as possible. What is Tuesday for? Until recently I would have said not a thing but pent-up anger and work- a- day sludge, that is until I found the courage to join yet another gym.

I pulled my self-confidence out of moth balls, bought some yoga pants, and took a leap of faith. I have been a Weight Watcher for many years. I have lived through many “program” changes, some good, some horrible but I always manage to hang on. Why? because I need to. One day in October after I found that recent surgery results were benign, I strolled in off the street and asked for a tour of facilities. I have had my eye on Worcester Fitness for more than a few years. Nice location, super clean, dedicated, friendly staff. I will admit what drew me in was BARRE. One of the leaders at WWs, Glorya, inspired me. WWs always talks to members about exercising or our need to move more. Glorya always seems so excited when she talks about her BARRE classes. I wanted to be a ballerina when I was five. I know, a lifetime ago but a dream is a dream as long as you keep it alive by working on it.

Adulting is hard. Facing an unknown variable at any age is tough but I DID IT. I want something better for myself. Something that belongs to me, that I work hard for. I chose my health. As soon as I was signed up and an active member, I celebrated by hitting up Starbucks for my favorite iced cold brew. I drove home, told my hubby, my friend Suzy and then the tears of realization hit. I have joined so many gyms in my past, always full of hope and inspiration. I practically had myself quitting before I even started. Not this time. I went to the website and signed up for YOGA with Mary Beth for Monday night. I looked at the BARRE class for twenty minutes before I had enough courage to book that class as well for Tuesday.

A life really can change in a blink of an eye. I showed up for my first group class, YOGA. I loved it. The coach/instructor? Welcoming, friendly, easy to understand, patient, encouraging. I was hooked. I left that class feeling like I finally found my gym. I started BARRE class the next evening. I thought I was going to pass out. I slayed it! Ok, so maybe I hung on but I did it, an adult ballet class! Little girl Trish overcome with JOY as pure as a Christmas morning from my youth. I am learning so much about myself, about what I can do. I go to every class wanting to learn more, to absorb it all. I have met new wonderful people in all of the classes I sign up for. I am looking forward to the winter months. Really, who says that? And to my Tuesdays with Mary Beth and BARRE.

Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE !

Rolling Stone

September 24, 2022September 25, 2022 kidtrish1 Comment

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

Untitled Four Days Ago…

April 5, 2020April 5, 2020 kidtrishLeave a comment

Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto. true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me.

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey. A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS, people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.

My Inner Child

February 15, 2020February 15, 2020 kidtrishLeave a comment

sometimes gets in the way of my 55 years of age. I had a panic attack today. In my life I have gotten myself into some shitty situations because I tend to leap before I look, or plan, or think. In a very short short span of time (6 days to be exact) I will be going on an adventure to of all places to Universal Studios in Florida. Wait, wait for it…without my hubby. I have never been to Florida. The last time I went to an amusement park? Just about 26 years ago in 1994, my kid sister and I took our nephews to Rocky Point Park in Warwick RI. A lot has changed since then.

My inner child decided late Spring of 2019 to be bold. I was out somewhere with my friend Jadira when inspiration hit me. I NEEDED a grand vacation. I needed to see Harry Potter in all its glory. I needed to feel like part of something bigger than myself and my small life. I think a little back story is necessary here just so there is no WTF moment later on.

My Dad always wanted to take his kids to Disney. After my Aunt Mary died in March of 2004, my kid sister and I were going to surprise him. We were going to find a way to get my Dad and his three girls to Disney. We never got to because life often has other ideas. My beloved kid sister died in a car accident, just two months after my aunt passed. I was broken, the family was broken. I struggled for years with my parents declining health. I was never really in a good frame of mind for long. I just sort of lived on the periphery of life pretending to be in my moments, being happy, “moving on “. Don’t get the wrong idea. I had plenty of happy. I have a good life. I love and I know I am loved but grief is like a scarf you can’t take off. It hangs around your neck both easing your pain and causing it. Eventually both of my parents died and I was suddenly free but still a captive.

I wanted to be more for myself so I decided some time ago to work on being better to myself…and that is when my inner child took that leap of faith. I was finally ready to let my soul soar to new heights, to be invested in my well being. I am excited to be flying, to be traveling, to be on an epic adventure but I am also anxious. Over the years I have fallen into the habit of singing in public. I guess you could say it is my therapy animal. Singing is my escape, my solace, my friend. It doesn’t matter if my notes fall flat. It is who I am. It is what I do for me. It can also be highly inappropriate, embarrassing and a burden to the people I am hanging with. I want to have fun on my mini vaca. I want to sing with reckless abandon but it’s not fair to my travel companion or her kiddles. I am feeling anxious because I am trusting the journey. I am not in the drivers seat. I am being in the moment without a safety net.

I have let Jadira make all of our travel arrangements as I have no experience at all in this arena. She is very knowledgeable about destination vacations and all of the manusha that goes with it. We will have the best time.

Unwritten

January 11, 2019 kidtrish1 Comment

I remembered the first time I actually listened to the words of this song. It really is the truth about life. Nothing in your life is etched in stone. No one knows what time or life will bring you, or how you will change, or when or why precious loved ones pass on. The one thing that is certain, today is unwritten. I can make my today anything I want.

Today I decided to use my first paid sick day of the new year. I like so many people in New England right now have been fighting off some nasty virus (not the flu) that takes hold of your soul and threatens not to let go for three weeks or more. My Christmas holidays were not any fun for me. I was just too sick. I long for my feeling of wellness to return. I am tired of feeling BEYOND tired. Truth is I called out from work today because I was up most of the night coughing. Looks like another call to my doctor for more “miracle elixir” antibiotics.

I work for an off priced retailer, in one of their many distribution centers that can be found across the United States and Canada. I am a data analyst. I know so exciting; but, please try to contain your enthusiasm. I need to be top form to do my job well. I check and correct reports for more than 300 people on a daily basis. If I am “off my game” I am more likely to make errors. I am supposed to be fix problems not create them.

I started working for this company in 1984 when I was young, beautiful, and full of dreams for myself. I often tell college interns and new associates “When I started here I was young and beautiful, now I am just beautiful.” usually after they ask me about myself and my illustrious career. I am just trying to ease the situational anxiety for them by injecting a little humor. I try to be an informed person. I am often approached about scenarios that are not work related because I have the reputation of being quite knowledgeable. I feel that I do my job well, but I can’t help wonder if I am capable of doing something else, in an entirely different company, doing something I have never done before.

Over time I lost faith in my dreams. I forgot that life is unwritten. I lost hope of ever being who I wanted to be. Am I too old to become a counselor? a nurse? an author? a singer? a ??? Dreams change with time. I can remember living in my small home town yearning for the day I was old enough to get my license. My license, for me, was the door that opened to the world of endless possibilities. I could go anywhere, be anybody I wanted. I was angry at the world for not having the good fortune that I perceived beautiful people had: nice family, nice house, bright future. It took many years of living for me too realize that what you see is not always the truth. People can have everything and nothing at the same time.

I often say,” Life is what happens when you have other plans.” Story of my life. I am not unhappy. I married a good guy. I have worked for the same company for 34 years. I have made many lifetime connections but sometimes I want more…

Carpe Diem! I still have time. My life is not finished. I have many chapters left unwritten. The best version of yourself could just be out of your reach for the moment. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE. Be a good human. You are loved. You are someone’s everything. You are amazing. You are beautiful. You’ve Got This!

Friday, Fried Day, Fry DAY!!!!

April 14, 2018 kidtrishLeave a comment

I made it! Le Weekend! Friday = ) What a week. Meetings, meetings, meetings, I am FRIED! Spent, wicked (yes, I am from the Boston area of New England) wicked [we say wicked a lot ;)] tired. Too tired to do much of anything; but, I have musings to posts and love to share so here I am thinking about how much life changes in a blink of an eye. Often I have yearned to be part of something amazing, larger than myself, something wonderful that sowed love, acceptance, kindness. I believed that wanting this was an unattainable fantasy, an improbable impossibility, a non happening happening. Once again I have been surprised by the people in my life. I am awed time and again by their ability to love unconditionally, to build someone up where others might have torn you down.

mypeople

This post is for my friends. Life is a weird, wonderful, sometimes sad, overwhelmingly happy roller coaster of people, places, and events. I am blessed to have all of you in my life for as long as you are able and willing to stay. When one of you is in distress it puts me into distress. I want all of my people to be in a constant state of nirvana where there is no negative Karma; but, life isn’t like that.

With your help I have learned to love. I have learned to believe. I am enough. I am loved. I am someone’s best friend. I am listened to. I am everything I need to be. Loss has a odd way of making you focus on what is important yet somehow has been put aside. If a word is never uttered it can’t be heard. Never under estimate what you MEAN to someone. I am never quite sure what it is that I bring to the people in my life but I hope it might be just what you need in the moment with a side of friendship that is accepting, warm, and full of surprises ; )
Love is a gift that only gets better when it is shared. Thank you for being a part of my world.

Love, Trish

Have You Ever?

February 2, 2018May 8, 2018 kidtrish3 Comments

Caught a glimpse of what you are to someone who loves you? Understood how they value you? view you? regard you? Have you ever felt the emotion that is tied to their version of that unknown element, that je ne sais quoi, the beauty or wonderment that makes you the object of their love. Trust me when I say it usually has nothing to do with the superficial value of outer beauty and everything to do with the important things: kindness, patience, wisdom, trust, understanding. Intangibles that turn love into the thing people will spend all they have just to catch a glimmer of.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

I am no stranger to depression. I have experienced it, survived it, lived with a parent who was deeply affected (paralyzed) by it. I struggle everyday with finding a reason to continue one more minute of one more day in a string of days that seem to never change but I manage because I refuse to give in. I want more. I will never stop searching for happiness, peace, well being. Love compels me to keep searching.

All these years and I am still his reason to face the day.

He does not see the ugly things about myself that I do not like. He only sees me. He tells me I am beautiful. I am the one he trusts with his love. I am HIS one. Have you ever been that loved? Some times I am so busy being upset with myself that I don’t want to believe he stills loves me, needs me, desires me. I hate me! Why doesn’t he give up? How can he still love me! I lash out by throwing angry words against his soul hoping to break his bond to me but the holds are strong. He talks to me, he sees me, he understands I am fragile, he listens to what I am really saying. Sometimes things do not come out as words but as bad choices or hateful behavior. He cradles me to his chest, wipes away my tears and keeps right on loving me in his quiet gentle way.

I am finally gaining an understanding of who I am to him. I see the sparkle of joy as we see each other from across a crowded room.