October{SIGH}

I love this month. I am a big fan of Halloween which is strange because I do not like masks or clowns or costumes. There is just something other worldly about this month and its holidays that I find hard to resist.

Maybe it is the leaves turning a shade of wonderful that I like. Or the fact the shorts become pants and I can skip a few days (ALL WINTER INTO SPRING) and not shave my legs. Or maybe it is the snuggling in on the couch with a good book and a blankie. Or that it suddenly becomes okay to put cinnamon, nutmeg , and ginger in a beverage and call it “Pumpkin” whatever. I do not care. I honestly think it might be because I love orange and the rest of the year it is kind of too brash to be displayed without causing a rush of odd comments. Here is to ORANGE, a color you can not beat and a word that does not have a rhyme. That is reason enough to be a fan. Well, at least in my book. Let’s chat about my other near favorite color…GOTH! Okay, Goth isn’t a color but it should be.

When I was a teenager I was a Goth chick. The only color I was ever interested in was black and shades of black. It is a great color to wear when you want to hide who you are from people. I wanted to hide. I was a DUFF. Look it up it is a thing. On the other hand black can also be sexy and alluring depending on the cut of the clothes and the person wearing those clothes .

Me in retirement. WOWZA

I can totally see myself rocking this outfit shopping at the local grocery when I retire. Stepping out while I am out! While the slinky little number found below these words ?!? I think I can work this look on occasion, just not every day. I certainly give it up for those of you out there that can but I for one JUST CAN NOT!

Bazinga

See what I mean? I do much better in one version versus the other . You decide. One takes humor, the other RBF( resting bitch face). I mean who am I really? I guess my only other question; Can orange be the new black?

Autumn is the time of year when things calm down a bit for me. No rush to get anywhere, no last minute Summer excitement, all the tourists everywhere find their way back home and the my area of the Globe settles in for the up and coming hockey/winter/Christmas merry-go-round. And I can watch Hocus Pocus in peace.

Gnaw

I love this word. If you are an over thinker, and I definitely am, this word is part of your everyday existence. Life is a balance beam routine that never ends. One has to learn early how to manage each aspect of daily living in order to have room for happiness and peace. Sounds contrite I know but it is my truth. I lie to myself about letting go of petty things or unhealthy emotions but often I let things fester or gnaw at me for what seems like an eternity.

I hate the saying “forgive and forget”. I CAN NOT do it. I know, I know I should be able to but I won’t allow myself. It is one of my biggest faults. If someone hurts me on a personal level I would rather be free of them then ever try to mend a fence. Having said that I also should tell you that I will relive “the last moment” we shared over and over a million times trying to figure out what I? could have done differently or better or nicer. Lately though I have come to a new thought, WHY? JUST WHY? Do I need to feel inadequate? inferior? was I in this relationship alone? was it already dying when we parted ways? I will no longer be chasing people. END OF STORY.

I can not change the way I feel about things unless I want it. The last thing I need is someone who acts like it is their job to change me. I have enough on my plate already. I am odd. I am wonderful. I am giving. I love to laugh and be silly. I have many wonderful qualities that I often shutter down because people I associate with do not “like” when I am me. I am slowly removing those persons from my vicinity.

Can we talk about the concept of extending the olive branch? Does that BS ever work? I often think I will extend an apology to someone who clearly thinks that I have done them some great amount of bodily harm, or I damaged their reputation or I ignored them or a million other silly make believe missteps. You know what it gets me? Yes, you guessed correctly!! DING ding, said offended person tries to shove the branch up my ass…good times. ANY time I have ever attempted to say mea culpa (my fault) I usually have a vitriol sandwich crammed down my throat whilst the “injured” person tries to feed my that F*kn branch via my lower alimentary canal. I no longer extend that branch. I have taken up gardening. I like olive oil so I am branching out. ( I will just leave this here)

News flash in order to move on from a place of hurt BOTH parties need to be on the same plain of thought and feeling, otherwise the effort put forth lands flat. Flatter than an opera singer trying to find her note. I am learning to let things fall away, to leave whatever is unhealthy aside so I don’t gnaw at the food in my house when my thoughts and feelings are gnawing at me.

Find your Joy! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE !

Be The Rainbow…

…Not The Cloud

Sometimes you don’t understand how much you need something until you have it. Or lose it. I was in Gloucester MA recently with some friends for some SAFE adventure fun. I LOVE this town. I come here to find my joy when I lose it or when the winter has been too long. I think we can all agree this winter is still lingering. It has been a season of loss, loneliness, uncertainty and anxiety. Holding onto JOY has been a battle. We came to town to refresh our souls, reset our sadness and sail.

There is a local collection of volunteers that maintain the garden spots along Western Avenue. They do amazing work, breathtaking. These green thumbers help to make the magic that is Gloucester. I tip my hat to you for all the hard work and hours that you GIVE. I love to go for a walk along this avenue. Stage Fort Park is along this stretch of road. The seasonal parking rates are reasonable. The grounds are vast and fun to explore. There is a “seafood/ice cream stand” called The Cupboard that has been in operation some 40 odd years. I love the vibe here. It makes me nostalgic “for the good ole days” Yes, I know I am showing my age but I don’t care. I come here to reconnect to my JOY, to reassure myself that there is still beauty, kindness and caring in the world.

I came to Gloucester with friends to go for a sail aboard the Schooner Lannon. We arrived in town a few hours early and set out to explore, take in the sunshine, the ocean views, the breeze and enjoy each others company. We tried a new {to us} BFast stop, Sherry’s Corner Cafe (amazing food, owner operated, friendly staff, excellent prices). We made some new friends, connections, and yes, I sang for some old timers who were sitting on the porch while they were eating their breakfast. Hey! I had a mask on and I was more than 6 feet away. It is sad to me that I even have to say that here, but safety first.

After finding a nice shaded spot along the street to park, we ladies went for a stroll. Walking along Western Avenue I came across this sweet reminder:

BE YOU…be the rainbow not the cloud…

Sweet amazing human whomever you are, where ever you are, THANK YOU! I needed to find this. It helped me in ways I can not list here. Once upon a time in my life I was more comfortable being the storm instead of the sun. It really is amazing how LOVE can change a life. I am very blessed to have the best: hubster, friends, family, co-workers, WW leader/peeps. I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me but I try. This pandemic has not been easy on any of us but you have all made it easier to cope.

Love,

Sunshinewp-1596368083975.jpg

The First Post After…

the reset button has been pushed.reset I am sitting in my office typing this, trying to figure out what to tell you about my post from the other day. I am fine. I know sometimes I can be very dark.  I know that you lovely people have worried for me. I AM OKAY! I guess I scared my hubby as well, my bad. I have anger issues. I have had this problem even before I knew what an issue was. I have never learned to deal with myself in an appropriate calming manner. I am sorry if I scared anyone that was not my intention.  I BLOG as self therapy. I sit here pouring my heart out to the great cosmos like I am having the best conversation ever with someone in my life that “gets” me, the whole me, the weird me, the wonderful me, the funny, odd, complex me that is ME! I had a best friend. She was my ride or die; until she died in a car accident. Now when I am writing I pretend I am sitting across from her where we used to hang out and chat. I am in my life, most days. I love what is in my life, most days. I even like my job, most days; but sometimes I veer off course. I don’t know why. Maybe I am more like my mother than I like to admit.

I get overwhelmed. I run out of ideas about how to make things better. Sometimes there is more stress than fun. Sometimes there are life events that are beyond my control. I react to them badly. I may be “OLD” but there will always be a learning curve. If only life were a TV sitcom. I could go to Mike Brady and seek counsel but TV is TV. When has Hollywood ever actually saved the day in the real world or made you a better person? Never, at least not to my knowledge.

I need to focus more of my energies on things that bring me JOY. I want all of the people in my life to know that your support, love, friendship and comedy routines mean everything to me. I LOVE you all. I know you are there if needed. I hope you know that I am your ride or die chick (no crime sprees though). I am here if you need me…

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be…

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Too pooped for Prose

Often I have sat on this side of my keyboard waxing poetic about the goings on in my life or the spinnings of my mind. I started on this writing journey with the thought that I could rediscover myself by sharing my soul with a close friend. I only ever intended to ride the bus not pick up the passengers but here we are. I try to write something new every Friday night. I write about whatever I find floating around in my grey matter. I post my finished musings onto my Facebook page and if I am lucky a few fellow bloggers happen upon my post or they find a keyword tag that sends them to my blog. Thanks for all the follows and good vibes.  ;  )

I guess what surprises me the most is how similar we all are. I have had more than one friend/follower/co-worker ask me or comment to me about how I seem to be able to “know” how they are feeling. Honestly I don’t; but, I know how I feel. I kept all those “feelings” to myself for years because I was afraid of being judged for being real. Well, guess what, too bad so sad, we all have stories to tell. Some are funny, some are poignant, some are just depressing. It’s all Okay. Any one who is truly in your life already knows the hot mess that you are and they choose to love you anyway so why not “love” yourself? Be in your moments, invite the neighbors, make new friends…

I have reached that magical time in my life where I finally feel like I have something to give to others. Turns out it is me. = ) Who knew? I sure in Hell didn’t for a really LONG time. It is a great time to be alive but only if you are willing to live a little, love a lot and forgive shit you can’t change or control.

I try to blog once a week. Last week I JUST wasn’t feeling it. I was tired, grumpy, and I hate to say it; I felt like the little old lady I am slowing turning into. While I was growing up I dreamt of being older, I never realized someday I WOULD BE! I guess you could say I’m living the dream!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !!!!

Success?

A WW leader once said to me that without try….there would be no triumph. I am trying to put a little more umph into my try.  Last week I maintained at the scale. Still a victory, though at the time it felt hollow. Like when you are voted club president and there are only three of you; hollow. I went home a little down but I have not given up. I have been thinking.

What is success? I know what it reads in the dictionary. I define success as working towards a desired goal. I am the goal, not my weight. I want to be the best example of myself. When I smile I want it to be real not painted on to make someone else happy. I want to feel like I have done the best for me. I measure my successes with the small things. My bath towel goes a  little further around my middle, no more of my kibbles and bits sneaking out. My clothes are beginning to feel less snug all around. I have more energy. My level of self belief has grown. I am excited about what is next on this journey.

I had lost faith in the power of me. It has been a long road back to finding that little girl that lives in my soul. She is the light in the tunnel of my mind, my guide through the rough patches. She carries the truths of who I am. She holds onto my hopes, my joy and the wonderment of being alive that sometimes gets lost amongst the chaos of being a grown up. She keeps the best things about me safe for when I remember I deserve to be happy; that I am worthy of success.

What is success? Never giving up on the person you are meant to be.

 

The Power of a Hug

I have never put much faith into a hug. Confining in nature almost claustrophobic for me. I do not have a great personal history with hugging. In fact, I would say it is one of my greatest weaknesses. My kid sister was the only person who’s hug I would accept. She had a way about it. She’d hang onto me like our lives depended on it. Almost as if she knew there was a storm coming. Her hugs meant the world to me because she put so much of herself behind that embrace.

Something has changed in me lately, perhaps it is because my Dad is in a nursing home. I have had a change of heart about hugging. A true hug should be given free of will and with a depth of meaning to it from you for the one you hug. There a few residents where my Pops now hangs out that feel the need to hug me. I hug them willingly. Like small children these souls hug from their hearts. Overflowing with love for someone they once knew. Some days these people think I am their loved one. They ask me about children I don’t have; husbands and grandchildren that are not mine. I go along with their alternate reality the best way I know how by not rocking the boat. People with dementia or Alzheimer’s are still who they used to be somewhere in their minds. Everybody needs love and affection.

My Pops is the same even if his memories falter or the endings to his stories change. I try to hug him more than I have in the past. I think we both need it more. I miss him. I never realized before how much power comes from such a little thing. A hug makes the weary less tired. To the sad it lends hope. To the loved it spreads an untethered joy. To the lonely a sense of inclusion, that someone cares. To the lost a ray of light showing a safe way. Hug someone today.