Staycation

Ahhh, my first vacation of the season and {{{SIGH}}} my first vacation of the season. I am a contradiction of terms. I am both excited and deeply depressed. Strange? not if you know me. I suck at relaxing. I have never been able to take a day off. You know what I mean;  sit around, watch bad TV, maybe take a shower, have a ton of unplans. An unplan is a happening with no set logical or pre-established guidelines. Think of it as going to a local store for something quick and different. You had no set plan so you just do the next best thing. A vacation filled with unplans makes my hubby happy. It drives me to distraction. I fight  with myself to be in my moment, to relax,  to do something I have been dying to do! I wait all year for this vacation. You would think I would plan my time off better, fill it with things I want to do, see, explore but I don’t. Mind you I talk a good game. There’s always  something whirring in the back recesses of my grey cells about the perfect adventure.

I like to take the first week of July off each summer because my birthday falls there. I want the luxury of not having to work on my birthday. It is the perfect time of year. The days are longer, hotter and filled with promise you just don’t get in winter. Every year I waste my week; I get plenty done (see the contradiction?). Housework , shopping, spring cleaning. I have all this free time on my hands and no idea how to use it.

)july birthdayI get to share my birthday with my Country. Every one I know loves the Fourth of JULY, the Nations’ Birthday. Hotels are packed, restaurants are packed, beaches are packed. Living on the East Coast in July brings bus loads of tourists to a neighborhood near you. Great, if you don’t mind spending your week off  waiting in long lines for things you hate to wait in line for, like the bathroom.

How easy it is to forget how wonderful something is when it becomes too familiar to you. I have lived on the East Coast my whole life. All the glitter is still there; it’s just harder for me to see. I find my joy in the majesty of the mountains which still takes my breath away. The sunrise over a quiet lake, awe inspiring. A walk in a town I have never been to before, exhilarating. I don’t do these things everyday, therefore; the glitter still sparkles, catching my eye, reminding me of how lucky I am.

My week is nearly over. I am well rested. I didn’t cry on my birthday. I enjoyed spending quiet time with my hubby. I still have time for an adventure. Our unplans worked wonderfully. I have decided I am okay. (I think !?!) I relaxed.  =  )

July

In just a few short days it will be my birthday. I am only telling you this because, in truth; I hate my birthday. It is void of everything but high expectations. Every year as my birthday month approaches I grow more and more antsy. I want the grandiose sparkly birthday gathering with cake and presents and stuffs I just don’t need. What I get is usually way more sedate and boring. Every year I promise myself that I won’t cry and every year I fail.

I know I am being foolish. I know it is a day on the calendar that is special only to me but I have always wanted it to be bigger than that. I suppose that is the little girl in me that never got to have a birthday party(everyone I knew was on summer holiday). I suffer from Peter Pan syndrome. I don’t want to be a growed up. I am a Lost Girl. I never liked that Pan’s club was boys only. I mean really if it hadn’t been for Tink and Wendy what would have happened to those lost boys?

I guess I hate my birthday because it means I get older. Age is a perception thing. When you are young you wish to be older and when you are older you wish to be younger. An AGE old battle no one wins. I can’t stop time or change the past( which I despise) the only way is forward, which we call the present, that sometimes is difficult for me to find the gift in.

Here goes:

Dear Birthday,

This year I would like to pause and thank you for being part of my life. I forgive you for not being what I needed in the past. Birthdays remind me of how far I have come. They remind me of how much further I can go. With you I have grown into an adult that I am proud to call me. Because of you I have been given immeasurable amounts of love and guidance and support. My friends and family have always been there to rejoice in the anniversary of my coming into being. I am sorry for taking you for granted. Having said that though I must also admit I am not enjoying the grey hair you keep giving me, enough already. Let’s have some fun this year. What do you say we keep our expectations low? our spirits high and surround ourselves with relaxation? Also, a spa day would be nice but we can talk later, Okay?

Love,

Trish