Avalanche

I don’t always know what to do. I am the first one to admit that. Why people take it upon themselves to believe otherwise is beyond me. They are only fooling themselves. I went to my WW meeting last week. I was down at the scale. Usually that is enough to make me happy and ready to face my next week. I guess a few things have been feeding off of my psyche lately. People hearing me yet not listening to a word I say.  Me returning the favor in kind. It happens. I plan on being in my day, everyday but some times I catch myself not really being where I am supposed to be. That’s when my conversations sound more like yes, Dear. Yes, I am listening, uh huh….yada yada yada but I am the guilty person not really listening. I hate when I do that. I hate it more when I am full in the knowledge that I am doing it.

I am trying to live in a small space of happiness that I create for me. I am still struggling over the loss of my beloved Pops. The rush of powerful emotions that bubble up to the surface before I can stop the well of tears is ripping me apart. My frantic swim against the roll of the tide started Saturday afternoon and finished sometime Tuesday. I crawled back to a set of bad habits looking for comfort. Surprise there was no comfort, only anger at myself for making a really bad choice. avalance1 I have been desperately trying to stay above the onslaught of debris. I feel like I just barely survived an avalanche. Once again I found myself at the edge of that cliff. Do I keep climbing to get to my goal? or is it time to turn tail and head back to base camp to lick my wounds? I was going to quit. I know how to quit. I am rather good at it, actually. It is not what I want for myself anymore.

Should I stay or should I go? It is equally difficult to choose either path. Quitting something comes with a certain level of relief, anger and grief. The last time I quit this weight loss journey was nearly ten years ago. Ten years I have floundered. Ten years I have been hating myself. Why? because I quit. I disappointed myself. Continuing my quest to my version of a better me also a hard sell. Taking personal inventory,checking supplies and getting up the steam to hit the trail again also comes with new doubts and fears. I have decided my best chance of being happy lies with continuing my journey forward.

Never under estimate the power of a kind word or two. At my lowest point this week someone told me how good I am looking. They commended me on the hard work I am putting in. Those words came to me when I needed them the most. I am going to try something new this trip around; I am not going to quit.  I try very hard to be happy, confident,welcoming and full of joy even though some days it is the farthest thing from the truth. I am not the only person in pain. I don’t want that pain to define who I am. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am strong. I am brave. I do have the right stuff. I am beautiful, just breathe and BELIEVE!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

Firefly

firefly

As a child I would chase fireflies to catch and put into a jar.  I would sit on the porch in the cool of an evening summer night and be filled with the wonder and awe of nature. A firefly on its own doesn’t seem like much but put a few in a glass jar and a dark night is transformed. Sometimes I feel like a firefly; small and insignificant but I know I carry a powerful spark. I set my world on fire. When I believe in the power of me, I can turn that spark into sparkle. I can do this. I am worth this. I am trying to have the time of my life doing this.

I was tired of mistreating myself. I wanted more of myself than feeling sorry for the shape I put myself in. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to embrace my world. The time had come for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. You can’t un-fry an egg but you can make one hell of a breakfast sandwich  =  ) no more self pity.

I gave myself permission to say NO to things I feel are unhealthy or unhelpful. I try to be mindful about the choices in front of me.  I am learning it is okay to make mistakes. It is not okay to ignore mistakes. Ignoring a problem only makes it grow in SIZE. Figure out the whys,{ I find being honest with myself cuts the journey in half = ) } make an adjustment, walk away from it. Let it go! Forgive yourself and move forward. I am learning to embrace who I am not what I see in my mirror. My mirror is too judgmental. It doesn’t add up to the who that I envision in my mind. I have worked on who I want to be for a long time. I am beautiful, giving, thoughtful and kind. My self worth is based on how I treat myself and others. I want people who come across my path to leave feeling inspired. A small gesture on my part that leaves you with a warm feeling in your soul. I call that happiness!

I am a WW because I need help to keep myself on my path. It is okay to ask for help. For too many years I ran from myself. Not wanting to face my whys. Not wanting to face my truths. My truths will be different from yours and that is ok. It doesn’t matter which road you choose; we are all on the same journey. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Don’t let anyone take away your sparkle,not even you! I try never to dwell on that age old question; if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? beauty is like love; misused to cover a myriad of truths and emotions. What does appearance have to do with how much you are truly loved? or respected? or wanted?

A kind gesture towards someone will be remembered longer for the way it makes them feel, than how you looked when you bestowed it upon them.  What you do matters. Learn to be kind to yourself so you can be kind in return. Respect yourself and others will follow your example. You are amazing just the way you are; never forget that. Work on your foundation and your structure will only be stronger for it.

So be calm, be in your moments and Weight Watcher ON!!!

March On

As February is preparing to make its exit into March, I am taking a few moments to think about the good things I managed to do for myself. Instead of wallowing in the sorrow I allow to consume me every year on Brenda’s birthday, I went back to WWs. I wanted to do something positive for myself on her day. Put a different twist on the day. I made a commitment to myself. Live for the day you awake to. Do the best you can with the moment you are in. Be kinder to yourself. Everyone makes bad choices but one bad rock does not spoil a stone wall. Listen to how you feel. If you are angry verbalize why. Even if no one else is listening, you hear you. It’s OK to let go.

Let go of the emotions that keep you tied to the version of yourself that you don’t like. Stop calling yourself bad names. When left alone with my thoughts sometimes they (I am)are mean to me. I alone allow myself to be negative over small slights of weakness or anger or sorrow. Why? Have you ever just asked yourself why?  No? Me either. Odd but true the people in your life love you just as you are. So why do I suck at liking myself? I set my self expectations way too high above my limitations that’s why.

My back is finally on the mend, most of my mobility has returned which is just wonderful.  Every February during school vacation a group of gaming geeks gather for a weekend of gaming. It is about the  exchanging of ideas, bad food and the great company of people you love that you haven’t seen in a year. Not my cup of tea but it makes the hubster happy so I tag along. I spend my weekend being the trophy wife and running around fake shopping and exploring with my best gal pal, Jadira. This year my bestie was ill with a bad bout of bronchitis and I was a stiff painful back muscle cramp. We both tried to have a great weekend but in truth I would say on a scale from disastrous to cool we mellowed out somewhere around ehh, it was ok.

I tried to stay on program as much as possible. I even went to a WWs meeting on Saturday just like I was at home. Yippee for me. I am trying to stick to my guns, to become a better version of myself. For the first time in more than a few years I feel like I can do this.

Look past the mirror, look at your soul – love yourself. You are beautiful!

As I get older, which I HATE BTW, I feel like I have lost my inner child. Odd? I know but it is the way I feel = (
I am 50 (FUCK) and for the first time in my life I am faced with the knowledge that bucket list or no there are things I will never get to. In all honesty I have been really down. Just when you have yourself believing there is more rain than shine something draws your eye, your breath catches in your throat, tears begin. The thought that somewhere there is someone reaching out trying to help makes you realize that all is not lost. There are people who try to make the world a better place just by being kind.

Encouragement can come from the most unexpected places. I had a really bad day but this

via Look past the mirror, look at your soul – love yourself. You are beautiful! @SFTSorg @KseniaSolo.

made me feel like I am Okay.