… Once upon a time in the Woo there lived a malcontent that went by the name of Didi(disappointed damsel in distress). Okay, so maybe there are three Ds but did you really think I was going to call myself the girl with the Triple Ds? Not going to do it, nope.
I have had a very interesting July/August so far. I have made myself get out into the world for Saturday adventures with people in and around my life. It has RAINED every single trip. I must say that all of my companions have been great sports about the weird weather. The question is, what am I looking for? Why do I feel the need to chase peace? I am trying to have fun hitting some of my favorite spots with new people and exploring new places with companions I have adventured with before. Why does it feel like I am just going through the motions? When will I start to feel the wonder, the excitement, the rush of adrenaline from the unknown variables that make adventures enjoyable? Do you know the feeling I am talking about? It’s that child like awe of Christmas mornings, that intangible feeling of awesomeness from the things, the sights, the smells all around you.
It begins as it always does with the mere glimmer in my thoughts that I can do better, that I can be better. I am slowly returning to myself. I let myself get too caught up in the WWs mantra and lost me on the way. I am back on my journey. I am trying to make healthier food choices. I know what I am doing. I just have to believe I can do it. Hell, I have been doing this since I was in my 20s. I had zero confidence when I was younger. No belief in my own power. I felt at odds. There are no established rules about growing into the amazing person you are meant to be. It comes with self acceptance, friends that love you, people in your life who get you, and a glimmer of light that comes from your soul. Remember just because you are able to recognize the beauty in others does not mean you are good at recognizing it in yourselves! I have always made the mistake that my beauty is less than someone else’s, which is an untruth. My beauty is uniquely mine.
I have truly been blessed and foolishly I have been wasting so much time feeling unworthy. Every time I embrace who I know I am, I am better. I do better. I believe in myself. It is my inability or my unwillingness to let go of my anger that harms me EVERY SINGLE TIME. I really need to break off from this toxic relationship. Yo, Anger it’s been real but you and me, we have to go our separate ways. I know you think you are protecting me but it’s a lie I like to trick myself into believing.
I face tomorrow with a renewed hope in myself. This time I will hold on so I can see what is on the other side of the rainbow. Never Give Up On The Person You Are meant To BE!
What is happening to our internet world? I go off to work, when I come home I find that Microsoft has updated my laptop without first warning me and yup, you guessed it threw my musings into a bin, literally. It took me the better part of two days to locate and restore my missing data. At first I thought I had picked up a virus, really just what every writer who uses a laptop as their medium needs, ERGH! Thank the writing GAWDS it was just an UPDATE! Just as I got things back into some semblance of an order, Google did a thing with their drive !UPDATE ALERT! and I find myself once again chasing missing info.
I have missed you. Yes, it is true = ) don’t be embarrassed. I find peace sitting at my keyboard sharing myself, fears, wishes, dreams with someone who hears me. I went to my WWs meeting last week and I actually managed to lose a few pounds. WWs corporate has reinvented the wheel and now EGGS are FREE ! Chicken breast, turkey breast, beans are FREE ! Yeah right and I am Ginger from Gilligan’s Island .
Surprise people!!!! Foods you eat are not free. Some foods are packed with better nutritional value than other foods that doesn’t make them free! I came home filled with angst not joy. I have been angry all week. In the guise of freeness WWs has taken away points. I am pretty sure the small weight loss I had last week has packed its bags and moved itself into my hips.
I know in my heart of hearts that if I walk away from this program I will return to it heavier than when I left. Stress eating you are the bane of my existence. Christmas time never stops being stressful. All the parties you “have to” go to, all the money you spend, all the BS of the prep work for a day most people have forgotten the true meaning for.
I know in time (when my clothes are choking me) I will work the program again. Right now I am just not feeling it. I just want to sleep until Spring. I am tired. I want to be ready to tackle this with all of my best efforts, right now it’s not what I am doing. I am at this party wanting to be anywhere else. I am not ready to embrace this new “FREE” food idea. Maybe tomorrow…
I am unsure of how many men read my blog so I want to start by apologizing in advance. This post is girl biased. I lived for years with the shame of having way too much sand for my sandbags. I have never(not once in my lifetime) ever enjoyed shopping for a bra. The Trish of old would safety pin, glue, sew; hell, if I could’ve fixed a favorite bra with a staple gun I would have been the girl to give it a try = ) It is difficult for me to feel comfortable about my breasts. Most women have a hate/love relationship over it. Over the years I’ve settled for; if they behave I will be happy. C’mon you know what I mean about behaving. Stay in your cups, no sneaking out.
Some bras push your kibbles and bits sooooo close together you look like you are hiding your unborn Siamese twin. Some are great in the support arena even if they snap you into an unnatural posture. Others are not intended for large full loads but I will admit I bought you because you looked pretty. Even I can be drawn in by false beauty, DAMN! My favorite unfavorite is the underwire. I mean really, you would think that by name alone it would do as it implies and STAY under your breasts to lift and separate. LIES!!! The wire tends to slide back and forth like a bow across a fiddle, poking you in the armpit randomly causing just enough discomfort to make you grit your teeth while trying to accomplish the simplest every day tasks like breathing.
I have come to the part of this journey where my old tried and trues no longer do their job. I have lost enough back fat to necessitate a newer smaller set of cups and spoons. Time for the dreaded(ful) bra fitting. I am not a hugger by nature so you can just imagine how uncomfortable I feel whilst another woman comes at me with a tape measure and a look of disbelief or horror, yes, it could be horror I see there. (I am afraid to ask)! I can not tell you how happy I am that I am on the last set of hooks instead of stretching the first set almost free from its anchored slots. After weigh-in tomorrow morning I plan on putting on my bravest smile, tame my fears and head to Lady Grace. I am ready to (be groped and prodded) fitted for new, flattering, well-fitting friends . Never let it be said that I am not brave enough to face my demons head on.
I grew these beauties myself. I try to take good care of them( I still wash them by hand every day!). Be kind to yourself. Buy some new gear! Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be!