Tag: Life

4:56 a.m.

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So? My vacation is at that point where the dread swoops in. We all recognize that feeling. C’mon, admit it. My dread woke me, to be dreadfully honest, see what I did there? at 2:33 a.m. I haven’t slept well all vacation, I am not sure why, but it is my truth. Now that my time off is speeding to the finish line, I am wasting time thinking about the things I have not gotten to, that I thought I wanted to do but… great now that I am WIDE awake why don’t I OVERTHINK for a bit. Everything about being a woman of a certain age is starting to roll down the hill, gaining speed as it goes, leaving me with a sense of overshadowing and doom I am having a tough time grasping. Is this all there is? I mean, really?

Dearest Hubster, on his way to the loo, rather grumpily asked me what the hell I was doing. I don’t know? Not sleeping? Gathering anger as I roll? I feel like I am becoming that “old lady parable” and trust me I do not want to be anyone’s DON’T do this to your life list. I realize that it is now today, so yesterday (a mere few hours ago) DH and I went for our yearly eye exams. I have dry eyes. Add this to my pile of things that have decided it is just time to slow down/stop production, as if menopause wasn’t enough fun on its own.

I hate a good routine. What can I say, I hate authority. I hate being told what I can and can’t do. Perhaps that is why I love Alice Kingsley so much from Alice in Wonderland. Life is routine. WE all have routines. Vacation is supposed to be that precious allotment of time when we get to say NO ROUTINES this week. Being an adult though is realizing that vacation is still part of a routine it just plays on a different “media device”, lol. What now? you ask? I am suddenly sleepy, so I am going to crawl back into bed and catch a few winks before the day interrupts further and ruins a good vibe.

It’s Just Another Day…

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Is it really though? Today is my birthday. It is not just another day, well, at least not from where I am sitting. My birthday is what New’s Year Day is to everybody else. I never make resolutions in January but every July I come up with a greatest hits list of things I NEED to do, things I haven’t done, and lest I forget I question my size usually followed with a promise to myself to try harder to be magazine slim and perfect. Life has given me bigger fish to fry this round. I blew out my right knee while having a lunch with my hubby, at work, no less. I mean WTF, nice way to show your age Bertha. Surprise! in case, you haven’t heard I am a woman of a certain age…code speak for heads up things are going to start to shrivel up, become painful or just stop working the way they used to, like my eyesight or my bladder, or my sense of humor.

Somewhere in the expanse of 2024 I just stopped. I stopped torturing myself over things I cannot change or control. Funny now when I think about it. Was this the precursor to my knee giving up? I stopped going on Fb, too many people “putting” their mirror selves out there. NO ONE’s life is that perfect Janet, so just stop, get some therapy, actually live the moments of your life instead of setting up the next great shot. I embrace the fact that when I am stressed out, I DOOM SCROLL Instagram or FB reels… BUT why? just why? I can’t even say it’s just background noise because it isn’t. It lulls me into a nonfeeling calmness? Most days I don’t allow myself to get sucked into that vortex, but I am human. One of my recent goals to not bother them so they won’t bother me. Snake oil salesmen most of the lot. If there really was a cure for meno belly which required ZERO EFFORT on my part, it would be owned by a conglomerate which would buy continuous airtime and Drs. would be pushing that shit like lollipops on a Sunday.

I used to watch ‘The Real Housewives of …” pick one from the franchise. It is the same script over and over, self-absorbed rich women, some have no grey matter of their own (brains), someone is always married to a rich old fop, someone is always: the saint, the sinner, the slut, the mean girl. They are all collectively beautiful and near body perfect. I don’t know about the rest of you but there are plenty of REAL housewives making it on their own, curvy, smartass women you want to hang with. Yes, we all know that there are housewives amongst us that also fit the criteria (SEE ABOVE : the saint…) but our beauty most definitely lies elsewhere. Sorry, sorry see? a gal’s mind also wanders at this point in life. Where was I? oh, yeah, my knee.

Time travel exists only in my mind’s eye. Picture it, January 13, 2005, a terrible mix precipitation hits Worcester County. The roads are icy, but my place of employment has not called off work. Hubby and I trudge off to work only for me to slip in the parking lot at my JOB. I fly through the air. My left leg kicks out in front of me; I fall to the ground leg already broken. I heard it snap. Imagine a pencil you force with your hands to bend until it snaps. Yup. It hurt like hell. I am pretty sure anyone within a half mile radius heard me scream F^*K. I nearly passed out, but I was also angry. I am pretty sure I was adrenalized out to the max so there’s that. I was non weight bearing on my left leg for 10 months. In 2005 I weighed in at about 325-340 lbs. range. Whole lot of PLUS SIZE girlie to balance on one leg. Fast forward to 2025, in my lifetime I have gone both up and down on the scale, I am currently in the 220 range. Yes, I know still too much but I am done chasing a dream that never belonged to me. I am beautiful. I am enough. I am LOVED. I am more than a number on a scale. Why do I bring this up you ask? Hold on I am getting there.

After a few solid weeks of me trying to ignore my leg hoping that things would improve I had to see my primary about the pain and the swelling. X-rays tell this story of a knee that has seen too much and suffered a lot. There is no ice it and go. I need a full replacement. I went to the bone and joint clinic at Memorial Hospital. A very handsome physician’s assistant withdrew fluid from my knee, gave me a cortisone/Lidocaine super shot, told me I was fat without saying it that way and I am too young for a knee replacement. All without ever looking at my history. Really? Of course, I schooled him. I asked him point blank if he even bothered to look at my chart. Assumptions are the worst things to put beliefs in. Until I hurt myself, I went to the gym. I swam, did Barre, loved my yoga classes. But I am round, right? I can’t possibly be fit? Twist brother. My polite way of saying “GO F^*K yourself.

The outpouring of help and support from people around me both at work and in my personal life have been wonderful. I am not too young for this surgery nor am I too heavy. Advocate for yourself. Go after the care you deserve. Don’t let anyone brush off how you feel. What you think matters. If my surgeon would like me to shed a few pounds I will. I have already put in the work with some therapy sessions to prepare my leg for the coming event. This time I will schedule some mind therapy as well to help me get through the depression that might come afterwards. I didn’t seek help after my thyroid adventure, I should have. Lessons learned.

Today is not just another day. Today is my Birthday. I had a grand day. Hubby and I made it a great day.

Never Give Up ON WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE

Out With The Old…

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In with new? So more than a few years ago ‘the Spark Joy movement’ started by Marie Kondo swept through the USA and I am sure other well-meaning societies too. Who doesn’t enjoy a quick, easy to use technique for changing a life path? After I threw out numerous bras and panties my hubby asked me to spark my JOY another way. I find myself at the end of another year in this walk of life. We are just a few months into 2025. Just WOW! I moved into a new age decade July 2024. I am now one of the millions of people who are referred to as “old, older, ancient…” I think you get my drift. I would like to say that I am middle- aged but since I know I won’t live to be 120 years old that is a bold face lie on my part. I have always been dramatic about getting older. I have I often feared that time was/is my enemy. I chose that path when I could’ve been enJOYing the walk all along.

Time is the greatest liar. It is misleading and lurks in dark corners waiting patiently for you to notice that you have spent it foolishly. Time can be on your hands, running out, getting away from you. It can be spent wisely and foolishly. Time can be “on your side” or completely against you. It is a cruel prankster and often baffles the person trying to manage what little time they have left to accomplish all of the things on their bucket lists.

I recently read somewhere that if a person is really lucky, they have about 4000 weeks or roughly 77 years of life. This information caused me to spin into the far reaches of my quiet spaces and worry about my time. How have I spent it? How many weeks do I have left? Does my bucket list need to be updated? Are there bridges I am willing to burn/cross to live within my peace? I honestly don’t know how to answer these questions. I never once in my youth thought that I would be where I am now on the cusp of yet another birthday, dreams unmet, waistline, sigh, let’s just say I am setting that pipe dream free. There are so much more great things in my life that are far more important than my body shape. I have held onto that pressure for way too long. And then it hit me…

I AM LIVING MY BEST LIFE just by being in it, being involved in what goes on around me, loving the people in my life. My hubby and I are rediscovering how wonderful we are together and not just as married peeps but as friends. He is my ride or die. The number of weeks left to my life is not what is important, it is who you spend your time with. Take that vacation, hug that loved one, tell your friends how much you love them, spark JOY for yourself. Be in your moments. At the end of a life well spent there should be no regrets, no should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.

Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant to Be

That Feeling, That Catch

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As I age (sometimes rather ungracefully) I am always surprised when a memory or a smell takes me back to a time in my life when everything was possible. There is an intake of breath, a gasp, that catch of recognition in which I usually have an uncontrollable urge to cry. Sometimes from joy, sometimes from sadness, sometimes it is simply from an acquiescence of facts from my past. What a person chooses to do with those memories makes the difference. For years I let my childhood trauma run my life until one day I stumbled upon a TikTok reel that hit me head on. Social media platforms are riddled with fake people, fake news, fake, fake, fake, but every once in a while, something hits home, and I needed some time to assess what I had watched.

Surviving trauma is one thing, carrying around its ghost like an old handbag you just can’t seem to part with is another. My closet has too many ghosts and not enough skeletons. I am happy to report; I have no scandals outstanding. Which brings me to what is currently going on in my everyday life. I always wonder where my overthinking, people pleasing, sadness, anger, disordered eating and snarky dark sarcastic humor comes from. I get it now. All of these things helped me survive my childhood traumas. Everyone has something, everyone. No one is free from traumatic events or terrible people. No one has the right to judge you about what you have personally been through, no one. How we choose to respond or develop is up to us. I only recently allowed myself to embrace this and to accept that it is okay not to rely on old coping mechanisms. I need to own my whys and move on from destructive behaviors. I have kept my life on a broken leash for so long I have spent a great portion of my life searching for peace I already own.

I am no longer a child. The time has come to let go of all the traumas I have carried around in secret for too long. I decided to separate myself from the little girl soul that did what she had to survive. I forgive you. I have learned from you, but it is time to heal. It is okay to let go. I no longer need to rely on those things. I learned to be a people pleaser because my mother was never happy with herself or anyone else. In her mind she was not enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, not loved enough, so no one else was ever enough for her. Her pain was so great that she never learned to love just because. Love because you can. Love because I am enough just as I am. Love because love by itself is enough. It is the perfect gift to be given or shared or inspired or? Love never dies, we do. Love is an action and a feeling. Love is the light in a dark room. Love is what brings people together, a magnet that draws you to its warmth, its beauty. I am on my path to better. I am accepting that my disordered eating is a leftover (no pun intended but hey, there it is) emotional pacifier. Eating should be about maintaining my life force and well-being and not for distraction.

I am pretty sure that I will be hanging onto my dark snarky humor because well, I do enjoy that. Sometimes I struggle with anger and sadness, but I no longer run away from those struggles. I am no longer angry or sad over the loss of what was once a very important friendship to me. When a friendship is built on sand it is likely to wash itself out at the first high tide. The old version of me would have apologized for the failure of that friendship but I now realize no one was at fault. We became different people on different paths searching for different adventures to carry us through. It has become what it is. We had some grand times whilst we were friends. I grew as a person in the years we were friendlies. I will never forget that.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

LIFE?

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Is a tough game nobody wins, everyone has to play, and the ending, well, it never goes the way one thinks it ought. I scribbled this note to myself because as I was chatting with a co-worker, it struck me that LIFE…Is what happens when you have other plans! We were discussing how life goes awry. How random, how strange, how wonderful, how scary, how unfair, how infuriating… the reasons never ending. It is a grand undertaking and should be lived full tilt to the best of ones ability. Having said that previous statement I realize my idea of full tilt and your idea are probably vastly different. At my age living full tilt can mean peeling off my bra, flinging it wayward towards the couch, kicking off my sneaks for Crocs, as soon as I cross the threshold into my house, without putting my work paraphernalia down! But, usually I wait to be that bold until after I have had my first cup of coffee = ). Decompress from a stress filled day first then calmly change into more comfortable attire.

LIFE is like a deck of cards. It gets shuffled many times, sometimes it comes up all aces and sometimes you get dealt the joker. What are you going to do? Learn to play the hand you are dealt. Not an easy thing to do and yet, that is the choice. I have spent too many years running from obstacles LIFE threw in my way. The more I ran away the more lost I became. The more unhappy I was. I zoned out of my life and spent precious time on people and situations that I should not have. I learned some pretty tough lessons but I am a better person because of it. I can not be what YOU want or what YOU need. I can only be me. I am probably not your cup of tea and that is okay. It really is. I used to feel badly about all of that but I got over it, mostly.

What does it mean to pity someone? …It’s when you feel sorry for them because they are not up to your standards, whatever that might be. Are you being helpful or hurtful? Or are you simply telling yourself a lie in the hopes that you will feel better about who you are as a person? Intriguing? It ought to be. I have been scorned, bullied, and pitied in my life because I am different. SPOILER ALERT. I was not thin when I was younger. I was not popular. I have odd personality traits. I can not have children. I understand now that inviting sympathy & pity in for a sit and chat was not a wise decision on my part. It is so easy to get used to their company. They give you a false sense of “everything will be all right”. BUT…nothing in your life or about you will change unless you change. Figure out who you want to be and then try to become more like that ideal. It is not done easily. Hell, I am soon to be 58 ( I know, right?) and I still work on who I want to be everyday.

My changing/maturing had nothing to do with the empathy and/or pity freely given either (pity implies tender or sometimes slightly contemptuous sorrow for one in misery or distress). It had more to do with my growing up, realizing I didn’t need to be like everyone else. I did not want to be pitied. There is no joy there, no way to grow as a human. My happiness, my life, my marriage is MY business. I got on with living life. Having children does not make your life magically wonderful or turn you into a better person or make all your dreams come true. It just makes you a person with added responsibilities to tiny humans. I am living my best life right now; because I finally realized my life is better than I hoped it would be. I have friends I enjoy who enjoy me. I am loved. I am enough. I am… no longer worried about sitting with the “cool kids”.

I finally grew up. I am not sorry one bit for my journey. It is true we mature when we are ready. I was finally ready. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

The Light of a New Day

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There is a soft sound coming from somewhere near by, sweet and melodious but I can’t discern where it might be coming from. I am in that state between a dream in sleep and waking. I open my eyes. My room is still bathed in the shadow of early morning. My cat is sleeping beside my upper left thigh rolled into a ball, head tucked into tail. I carefully free my arm from the warm layers of blanket it has been cozy in to sneak a quick scratch to the cat. She lifts her head to look at me. I am greeted with a quick chirp. I love this cat. Hubby and I rescued her during the Big Life Shutdown (Covid-19). I can still hear the tune that stirred me. I am able to hear my inner voice quite clearly and I am sure it is me thinking about a song that I just can’t get out of my mind. I am awake in the light of a new day.

Some times life changes in ways that is unexpected and unwanted but it happens so pull up those big girl panties and show up. I am changing. I am not the person I once was. The person I strove to be in my younger years I now find distasteful. I surprise myself with how unready I was to be a grown up. Silly fantasy instead of planning a life. I could have gone to college. I could have been anything I wanted to work for but I chose a different path. I have no regrets. The less travelled road often reaps the best hidden gems; BUT, I can not undo the years where I felt like I was less than everyone. Was I not as intelligent, not as wise, not as beautiful as everyone around me? Maybe but unlikely. What was I? Complicit. No excuses. My sisters and I were raised without much expectation so I rose to that level. I was complicit in my own failure to achieve something greater than I had been exposed to .

I tried to never have any friends. I rarely reached out to family. I liked to pretend I was all alone in my misery. I really desperately wanted to be seen but I was more afraid to experience any more emotional pain. In my adult life I managed to find love and get married. I let my wall of defenses down long enough to allow myself to find love. Life changing in so many good ways. I think it is the real reason I have allowed myself to grow as a person. I was accepted as I was; not as a token to what I might be or what I could become. Just me, warts and all. I have love and I am still married.

People are so simple and yet so complex. We will do anything to make a friend and then everything to make them go away when they get “too close” or a conflict develops. Someone I was once very close with recently told me that over the past few years I had become increasing hard to be friends with. News to me. There were no warning flares, no “hey! you are being a bitch”, no “this isn’t fun anymore”…. just avoidance, from both of us. I think we both knew in the back of our minds that our friendship had seen better days. Our friendship started to feel like an old married couple who don’t want to face the truth of their dead love; we dragged our friendship around, until I made that step. I committed the worst deed. I spoke up. I fancied the idea of chasing after her, to make things better, to right whatever wrong I may have done; but, I stopped myself. I am better than that. I have learned how to say goodbye. I know what I am worth, what my time means to me. I am no longer interested in trivial bullshit I had no hand in creating.

In the light of a new day I know I will make other friends. I know I will let others drift away from me and I will be drifted away from but at the end of my days my life will still be better for all of it. The memories, the laughs, and yes, even the tears. I will miss her. She taught me many lessons, some life changing, some soul burning, some life affirming. You can’t make anyone like you. It has to be a gift freely given. No regrets.

In the light of a new day? I am enough just as I am.

Owning It

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For the first time in my life Cinco de Mayo will have a whole new twisted significance. I will be in a local hospital in my city having major surgery during a pandemic. NO BIG DEAL…Who am I really? June 9th 2019 I accepted a healthier life challenge. I was planning a trip of a lifetime, with my friend Jadira, to Walt Disney World and to Universal Studios to see all things Potter. I was once again at a weight tipping point. Too fat to ride rides, too fat to fly without a seat belt extender, too fat in my own skin to feel healthy. I wanted to GO and let loose and feel real, feel like a kid again, to love myself and to accept myself for the beauty that is mine and uniquely my own. We went to Disney and to Universal February 2020 before the World fell sick. I flew without needing a seat belt extender. I HAD the TIME of my life! I accepted that challenge to get back to living and I ran with it. I believed I could. I do it every single day. I choose my path .

I have been living my life with every new day given. I carefully make better choices for myself where health, both physical and mental are my top self care priorities. My body is leaner. I feel better than I have for a very long time. It is a wonderful feeling to look in the mirror and feel a sense of accomplishment. I see a beauty there I thought I had killed.

My primary care physician would like to see me tip the scales at 165lbs. At my last weigh-in I was hovering around 184 LBS! A true fucking miracle! A weight I have not seen in 15 years. I show up every day to work on myself to become the best version of myself over and over because tomorrow will be better, I will be better. I am nervous about my surgery. I am afraid I will never be able to sing again. I worry my mental health will take a hit. I am afraid that ONCE AGAIN I will walk away from my best success because of the fear I am having a hard time managing and get FAT to the point of unhealthy…BUT…I will fight on. I will not give into my fear. I will reach out when I am in need. WHY? you might ask, because I GOT THIS. I am owning it.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

Girl Interrupted…

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No, I don’t mean the book or the movie. I mean me; I got your attention didn’t I? The will to succeed needs to be stronger than the desire to give in. No more lamenting about the stray path I have been on. No more brow beating like Camille in a play. No more bullshit. My house, my refuge, my safe place where I am allowed to be; was broken into on Friday. I shouldn’t say my, my, my; but, it is the one place on earth I feel  felt safe. = (  My false sense of security has been violated and I am pissed about that.

Hubby and I had the day off from work and spent a lazy morning around our place. Around noon we decided that prescriptions needed to be picked up and errands needed to be run so we prepped for the afternoon and stepped out. When we returned to our house hubster made his way to the bathroom, as is his usual, he called me into the bedroom.” Did you leave the light on?” Our bathroom is across the hall from our bedroom.

“No, why?” and that’s when he noticed that our closet doors were open.

“I think we have been robbed. Call 911!” so I did.

Funny how a great day can turn bad so FAST. Let me just say for the record unless there is an injury or a death, your call, even though it was placed through 911, will be treated as something minor. They don’t want you to touch anything as it could ruin evidence, that they might take, if you are lucky. Priorities people! I placed a call at 2:15 pm and no one from law enforcement showed until way after 6 pm. My house was a wreck. My cat was entrenched under our bed. Over four hours, I am sure I touched stuff. In the end they only things that got taken were just that,things. My hubby and I are Okay. Our cat, Asshole, now has bigger trust issues, just wonderful! The contents of several rooms had been sifted through. The poor fuck up who crawled through our addition cut themselves and left blood in my kitchen and my office.

And for what? some pocket change.

Lessons learned. The locks have been dealt with. Security system in place. The world is a sad place. I refuse to be less than what I am. What did I get to take away from this experience? I will not go quietly. To whomever rummaged through my underwear drawer I hope the sight of my granny panties haunts you the rest of your days. What was seen can not be unseen. Sweet dreams LOSER! it burns

 

On Not Knowing What To Say

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Have you ever found yourself in an awkward place or social event or family gathering when something happens and you find yourself at loss for words? It happens to me more times than I care to tell you but why start hiding things from you now? Sometimes I am awkward in person. Like a small puppy that hasn’t grown into her ears I trip over myself.  Once I say the wrong things, I tend to pile more wrong things on top until my anxiety takes over and I begin to slur my thoughts into an almost unintelligible speech pattern. I feel the heat rush to my face and I wish from the darkest reaches of my soul that the ground would open and cease my suffering.

There is nothing I can say to ever make you feel comfortable in your own skin. I can’t make you feel beautiful even though I may tell you how beautiful you are. I can not make you believe you have value if you don’t know your worth. It is very hard for me to tell people I care for them or have concerns for their well being. I have lost so many people I have loved. It is unfair of me to pin my fear of loss on you. So I stand there not knowing what to say because in truth my heart wants to cry out…NO! no more loss. I don’t want you to go. I want you to be better. There are days to fill with laughter and memories. There are people to love and jokes to tell. If I could ease your pain I would.

Tomorrow and the tomorrow after that are not guaranteed. Live your life. Sing that song. Make an ass out of yourself. Make sure people remember you for the right reasons. When I stumble trying to tell you how or why I feel the way I do, watch my body language. Maybe I am tripping over my own emotions or insecurities while trying to give the appearance of complete control. I want everyone in my life to know peace. I want you to know that you are loved, wanted and appreciated. I want you to know that some days it will rain but in time the sun does shine. If you are a part of my life it is because I WANT you there.

Sometimes I don’t know what to say. That’s why I write. Love the people in your life, they are here for that reason. Tell them how important they are to you. Stop with empty promises Give them something you value; a hug or a smile, a bouquet of flowers or do something unexpected for them.

 

Tantrum VS Truth

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Welcome to this heavy weight battle for the championship of self-esteem. In this corner sporting cute Batman shorty pajamas and a new attitude: Truth.  Tough to beat, harder to fight… And in this corner Tantrum wearing an ice cream stained t-shirt and a pair of cutoffs. Her style is messy and unpredictable. Winner, winner chicken dinner? Again!?! with the groceries? Really?

This is proving to be an epic battle of the wills. Will I make healthy choices? Will I eat an entire container of Nutella? Will I keep going to WWs? If you are to buy into the WW weigh(pun)of life they try to make you believe that you can eat anything as long as you figure out the points. *TRUTH ALERT* yeah, not really. Right now I am eating cheese ravioli with cheese sauce, ground beef and hot sausage, because I LIKE IT. Following WWs I can have THIS but in order to fit it into program I should only smell {{{sniff, sniff}}} this and eat something else. Not going to happen. I know there will be no weight loss this week for me. (TANTRUM)

I was fighting the good fight. I was losing weight. I was working hard; and then just like that [snap of my fingers] I stopped. I want to set a goal for myself. I know I need to stop fecking’ around and find my exercise path. I need to re-examine my whys. [TRUTH]

I have allowed myself to fall back into the comfort of being disorganized, unprepared, worn out and worn down. I have been lying to myself that it is okay to overeat all of the tasty foods I can no longer have. All this time and I still fall for all of my old tricks. (TANTRUM)

I know I feel so much more alert and healthy when I make good choices. I am able to do so much more with my day when I am actively taking part in my health. I am a happier person. I enjoy being around the people in my life. I enjoy Feeling Good[TRUTH]

Why do I keep fighting with myself over my same disappointments? (TANTRUM)

What do I really want? I want to walk away from all the crap I have layered across my path. I want to embrace the peace I know I have in my life. I need to trust myself. I know what I am doing; I know what I need to do to be successful. I can do this.[TRUTH]

Bored, deprived, hungry, angry, disappointment…all excuses(TANTRUM)

No one is going to make me do this. I have to figure this it out on my own.
Never Give Up On The Person YOU Are Meant To Be. I’m not [TRUTH] = )