Tag: love

There Is a Sadness…

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…that sits with me. It has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. It came with the knowledge. There is a period in every human’s life where we live blissfully unaware. Unaware of the things that change us and shape us into the adults we will become. I have always believed that we are all born with the same potential. We are all capable of achieving great things for ourselves and for those truly gifted, maybe the world. People in general, are also hopelessly flawed, {{{sigh}}}. In a quest to fix themselves they often push their failed dreams and inspirations onto their children, or there is mistreatment, judgment, and abuse. I love my family but like most families we had our ups, downs, and weirdness.

My knowledge came the day my little girl soul realized I was not loved or wanted as equally as the others. I have been treated differently my whole life. I am that kid that colors outside the lines. I am that kid that daydreams in your class because I am beyond what you are teaching. I am at that kid that craves to know WHY over everything that I find curious. I am at that kid who will drive you to the brink of anger but, I will not understand what I have done to put you there. I am that kid that relates to you by telling you a story of a similar nature to how you are feeling so I can avoid being told…you can’t possibly understand how I feel. I am a terrible listener, because the truth is I probably can’t or don’t want to because I always felt that NOBODY ever cared how I felt. So, sadness came to sit with me.

SADNESS and I have known each other for a very long time. I am fairly adept at managing it but occasionally just for a change of pace, life intervenes and then I find SADNESS holding my hand, making my decisions, borrowing trouble so ANGER can come for lunch.

Lately, I have been putting myself through the ringer. My older sister passed away in August. While we were not close and really had not been a part of each other’s lives for quite a while, I loved her. My inner child pines for days gone by, when we were children and all of the world’s wrath had yet to unfold on us. (DARK? sorry that’s how I feel) but we all know that life consistently rolls forward with or in this case without you. I hate to cry but as I age, I find myself getting really good at. I do not enjoy when I feel myself welling up over shit that I would not have spent more than a few seconds of apathy on in my youth. Who is this old lady that inhabits my soul? I told you ANGER has come for a visit. The realization of me being the only peep still carrying the colors for my family feels wrong. It makes me feel all the feels, which, if you know me, makes me very uncomfortable with any of it.

I feel a hope rising within me. While sadness and anger are a part of everyone who lives, it is time for them to go back on the shelf with the other time worn emotions of my soul. Negative emotions suck too much energy out of who I know I am. Yesterday, my usual sense of being returned. Things are getting better. I no longer have to be the kid who fixes other people’s problems. IYKYK. I am seen. I am heard. I am wanted. I am LOVED.

Brenda 2004, Mom 2007, Pops 2016, Celine 2021. My family. Tears flow for the love I no longer get to share with the ones who have gone on before me. Until we meet again. You know, I love you, right?

The Bubble

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Everyone that you know in and around your life, myself included live their lives in a bubble. Wait, hear me out. As adults we generally have a decent dedicated small circle of friends and family we lean on, look up to and hang out with. These people are part of our bubble and in turn we are part of theirs. It reminds me of math class when the teacher makes the circles on the chalkboard showing where common variables are within the innermost middle of the bubbles that are intersecting each other. This is life. The bubble changes size many times in the course of a lifetime. Variables change; people come and go, loved ones die.

I have an older sister. She was recently diagnosed with stage four cancer. Our family bubble has always been lopsided. Not perfectly formed, difficult to maintain. Our mother was a wounded soul, who brought that into a family dynamic. Those wounds braided themselves into the fabric of our lives. I often found myself at odds with my older sister. Yes, there were times we truly got along. Sadly, there were many more times when I just didn’t want to be part of her bubble. I have always loved her. I have not always liked her or appreciated her. It is a wonderful thing that love never dies or gives up.

Because I am an ass that holds a good grudge our relationship has been strained for many years. I take full responsibility. She didn’t reach out to me about not feeling well until the rowboat she has been drifting in life with started to take on more water than she could bail. There has been contact throughout our grown-up lives but nothing really meaningful. She moved out of Massachusetts in the late 1980s. Only rarely to come back this way. Weddings, funerals, the occasional “I miss the family” tantrum, and in the grand scheme of things just because she wanted to be loved by her bubble, her family.

I have always been the odd duck. I prefer Swan, but whatever. I was the middle child. I am an introvert. Go ahead and have a good laugh, but it is true. When you experience me in public that is the mask I learned to use for survival. I prefer tangible things that don’t have emotions over people who make life messy. Being this way makes me appear angry and judgmental sometimes. I have never been good managing my own emotions. No one ever taught me. My mother was ALL over the place. Happy one minute, raging against the machine the next. Growing up was? Let’s just say I am adult survivor of our shared childhood traumas. Enough of that. Time to get to my point.

Celine is my sister. She has stage four Breast Cancer. I know very little about her adult life from the past 25 years. My choice. In an effort to create my own (bubble) life, my own version of happiness, I simply did not reach out. I cannot change the way our paths have gone. I am unsure about how I feel. We have spoken. I am at odds. I am angry for us. I am angry at myself. In my efforts to avoid feeling or dealing with my emotions, I hurt her. When in fact I just wanted to exist in a place where peace reigned. Foolish mortal. I cannot undo what has been lived. I am sorry I wasn’t … present in your life. I am sorry I missed the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have no idea how much time she has left on this plain of existence. I hope she finds peace in her final days. I do indeed LOVE her. I hope our loved ones on the other side of the veil greet her with the love she missed in this life.

It’s Just Another Day…

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Is it really though? Today is my birthday. It is not just another day, well, at least not from where I am sitting. My birthday is what New’s Year Day is to everybody else. I never make resolutions in January but every July I come up with a greatest hits list of things I NEED to do, things I haven’t done, and lest I forget I question my size usually followed with a promise to myself to try harder to be magazine slim and perfect. Life has given me bigger fish to fry this round. I blew out my right knee while having a lunch with my hubby, at work, no less. I mean WTF, nice way to show your age Bertha. Surprise! in case, you haven’t heard I am a woman of a certain age…code speak for heads up things are going to start to shrivel up, become painful or just stop working the way they used to, like my eyesight or my bladder, or my sense of humor.

Somewhere in the expanse of 2024 I just stopped. I stopped torturing myself over things I cannot change or control. Funny now when I think about it. Was this the precursor to my knee giving up? I stopped going on Fb, too many people “putting” their mirror selves out there. NO ONE’s life is that perfect Janet, so just stop, get some therapy, actually live the moments of your life instead of setting up the next great shot. I embrace the fact that when I am stressed out, I DOOM SCROLL Instagram or FB reels… BUT why? just why? I can’t even say it’s just background noise because it isn’t. It lulls me into a nonfeeling calmness? Most days I don’t allow myself to get sucked into that vortex, but I am human. One of my recent goals to not bother them so they won’t bother me. Snake oil salesmen most of the lot. If there really was a cure for meno belly which required ZERO EFFORT on my part, it would be owned by a conglomerate which would buy continuous airtime and Drs. would be pushing that shit like lollipops on a Sunday.

I used to watch ‘The Real Housewives of …” pick one from the franchise. It is the same script over and over, self-absorbed rich women, some have no grey matter of their own (brains), someone is always married to a rich old fop, someone is always: the saint, the sinner, the slut, the mean girl. They are all collectively beautiful and near body perfect. I don’t know about the rest of you but there are plenty of REAL housewives making it on their own, curvy, smartass women you want to hang with. Yes, we all know that there are housewives amongst us that also fit the criteria (SEE ABOVE : the saint…) but our beauty most definitely lies elsewhere. Sorry, sorry see? a gal’s mind also wanders at this point in life. Where was I? oh, yeah, my knee.

Time travel exists only in my mind’s eye. Picture it, January 13, 2005, a terrible mix precipitation hits Worcester County. The roads are icy, but my place of employment has not called off work. Hubby and I trudge off to work only for me to slip in the parking lot at my JOB. I fly through the air. My left leg kicks out in front of me; I fall to the ground leg already broken. I heard it snap. Imagine a pencil you force with your hands to bend until it snaps. Yup. It hurt like hell. I am pretty sure anyone within a half mile radius heard me scream F^*K. I nearly passed out, but I was also angry. I am pretty sure I was adrenalized out to the max so there’s that. I was non weight bearing on my left leg for 10 months. In 2005 I weighed in at about 325-340 lbs. range. Whole lot of PLUS SIZE girlie to balance on one leg. Fast forward to 2025, in my lifetime I have gone both up and down on the scale, I am currently in the 220 range. Yes, I know still too much but I am done chasing a dream that never belonged to me. I am beautiful. I am enough. I am LOVED. I am more than a number on a scale. Why do I bring this up you ask? Hold on I am getting there.

After a few solid weeks of me trying to ignore my leg hoping that things would improve I had to see my primary about the pain and the swelling. X-rays tell this story of a knee that has seen too much and suffered a lot. There is no ice it and go. I need a full replacement. I went to the bone and joint clinic at Memorial Hospital. A very handsome physician’s assistant withdrew fluid from my knee, gave me a cortisone/Lidocaine super shot, told me I was fat without saying it that way and I am too young for a knee replacement. All without ever looking at my history. Really? Of course, I schooled him. I asked him point blank if he even bothered to look at my chart. Assumptions are the worst things to put beliefs in. Until I hurt myself, I went to the gym. I swam, did Barre, loved my yoga classes. But I am round, right? I can’t possibly be fit? Twist brother. My polite way of saying “GO F^*K yourself.

The outpouring of help and support from people around me both at work and in my personal life have been wonderful. I am not too young for this surgery nor am I too heavy. Advocate for yourself. Go after the care you deserve. Don’t let anyone brush off how you feel. What you think matters. If my surgeon would like me to shed a few pounds I will. I have already put in the work with some therapy sessions to prepare my leg for the coming event. This time I will schedule some mind therapy as well to help me get through the depression that might come afterwards. I didn’t seek help after my thyroid adventure, I should have. Lessons learned.

Today is not just another day. Today is my Birthday. I had a grand day. Hubby and I made it a great day.

Never Give Up ON WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO BE

Out With The Old…

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In with new? So more than a few years ago ‘the Spark Joy movement’ started by Marie Kondo swept through the USA and I am sure other well-meaning societies too. Who doesn’t enjoy a quick, easy to use technique for changing a life path? After I threw out numerous bras and panties my hubby asked me to spark my JOY another way. I find myself at the end of another year in this walk of life. We are just a few months into 2025. Just WOW! I moved into a new age decade July 2024. I am now one of the millions of people who are referred to as “old, older, ancient…” I think you get my drift. I would like to say that I am middle- aged but since I know I won’t live to be 120 years old that is a bold face lie on my part. I have always been dramatic about getting older. I have I often feared that time was/is my enemy. I chose that path when I could’ve been enJOYing the walk all along.

Time is the greatest liar. It is misleading and lurks in dark corners waiting patiently for you to notice that you have spent it foolishly. Time can be on your hands, running out, getting away from you. It can be spent wisely and foolishly. Time can be “on your side” or completely against you. It is a cruel prankster and often baffles the person trying to manage what little time they have left to accomplish all of the things on their bucket lists.

I recently read somewhere that if a person is really lucky, they have about 4000 weeks or roughly 77 years of life. This information caused me to spin into the far reaches of my quiet spaces and worry about my time. How have I spent it? How many weeks do I have left? Does my bucket list need to be updated? Are there bridges I am willing to burn/cross to live within my peace? I honestly don’t know how to answer these questions. I never once in my youth thought that I would be where I am now on the cusp of yet another birthday, dreams unmet, waistline, sigh, let’s just say I am setting that pipe dream free. There are so much more great things in my life that are far more important than my body shape. I have held onto that pressure for way too long. And then it hit me…

I AM LIVING MY BEST LIFE just by being in it, being involved in what goes on around me, loving the people in my life. My hubby and I are rediscovering how wonderful we are together and not just as married peeps but as friends. He is my ride or die. The number of weeks left to my life is not what is important, it is who you spend your time with. Take that vacation, hug that loved one, tell your friends how much you love them, spark JOY for yourself. Be in your moments. At the end of a life well spent there should be no regrets, no should’ve, could’ve, would’ve.

Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant to Be

That Feeling, That Catch

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As I age (sometimes rather ungracefully) I am always surprised when a memory or a smell takes me back to a time in my life when everything was possible. There is an intake of breath, a gasp, that catch of recognition in which I usually have an uncontrollable urge to cry. Sometimes from joy, sometimes from sadness, sometimes it is simply from an acquiescence of facts from my past. What a person chooses to do with those memories makes the difference. For years I let my childhood trauma run my life until one day I stumbled upon a TikTok reel that hit me head on. Social media platforms are riddled with fake people, fake news, fake, fake, fake, but every once in a while, something hits home, and I needed some time to assess what I had watched.

Surviving trauma is one thing, carrying around its ghost like an old handbag you just can’t seem to part with is another. My closet has too many ghosts and not enough skeletons. I am happy to report; I have no scandals outstanding. Which brings me to what is currently going on in my everyday life. I always wonder where my overthinking, people pleasing, sadness, anger, disordered eating and snarky dark sarcastic humor comes from. I get it now. All of these things helped me survive my childhood traumas. Everyone has something, everyone. No one is free from traumatic events or terrible people. No one has the right to judge you about what you have personally been through, no one. How we choose to respond or develop is up to us. I only recently allowed myself to embrace this and to accept that it is okay not to rely on old coping mechanisms. I need to own my whys and move on from destructive behaviors. I have kept my life on a broken leash for so long I have spent a great portion of my life searching for peace I already own.

I am no longer a child. The time has come to let go of all the traumas I have carried around in secret for too long. I decided to separate myself from the little girl soul that did what she had to survive. I forgive you. I have learned from you, but it is time to heal. It is okay to let go. I no longer need to rely on those things. I learned to be a people pleaser because my mother was never happy with herself or anyone else. In her mind she was not enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, not loved enough, so no one else was ever enough for her. Her pain was so great that she never learned to love just because. Love because you can. Love because I am enough just as I am. Love because love by itself is enough. It is the perfect gift to be given or shared or inspired or? Love never dies, we do. Love is an action and a feeling. Love is the light in a dark room. Love is what brings people together, a magnet that draws you to its warmth, its beauty. I am on my path to better. I am accepting that my disordered eating is a leftover (no pun intended but hey, there it is) emotional pacifier. Eating should be about maintaining my life force and well-being and not for distraction.

I am pretty sure that I will be hanging onto my dark snarky humor because well, I do enjoy that. Sometimes I struggle with anger and sadness, but I no longer run away from those struggles. I am no longer angry or sad over the loss of what was once a very important friendship to me. When a friendship is built on sand it is likely to wash itself out at the first high tide. The old version of me would have apologized for the failure of that friendship but I now realize no one was at fault. We became different people on different paths searching for different adventures to carry us through. It has become what it is. We had some grand times whilst we were friends. I grew as a person in the years we were friendlies. I will never forget that.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE

I Can’t Stand the Rain

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The constant tap, tap, tap as the wind pushes the rain into my office window is beginning to irritate me. I know I am in a small minority of folks that genuinely dislike rain, but it is my truth. Rainy Days and Mondays always gets me down… The best place to be when it rains is sequestered inside with books or movies to catch up on. I think the only time I don’t hate the rain? in the dead heat of a summer’s day when the humidity just won’t break. Most times though that rain just lasts long enough to make a mess and change the humidity, not always for the best. Once upon a time when I was young there was nothing like the rain on a summer’s day. Cooling enough to wash the dust from my thoughts, feet splashing in the mini rivers as I skipped along trying to keep up as the rain ran into the storm drains. Curious about the clouds changing from angry to hopeful as I looked skyward. Truly magical to a kid, but those days are long over. I barely cloud surf anymore, though I admit it still holds magic for me. Hope floats.

This batch of rain is misplaced and unwanted. I am trying to embrace the discomfort of today. I am writing my blog. I am drinking tea. I am browsing/ shopping online. I am binge watching Disney. I mean it is only rain, right? I want to think about something other than the howling wind. It is not so dark anymore (9:28 a.m.) and the wind seems to be calming down a bit. SQUEE! 

I believe there will be no snow for this Christmas. It has just been too rainy and warm. On one hand I am happy (no shoveling) but on the other hand a touch sad. I like a white Christmas even if it is just a light dusting. There is something about (probably left over Bing Crosby vibes) the magic of snow which makes me feel as if the Universe is in its proper alignment, lol. I am wishing you all, the happiest of what the holidays can be about. Love the people in your life. You are enough. YOU are loved. You are amazing. Never Give UP ON the Person You Are Meant TO BE.

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

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You catch a glimpse of something at the edge of your line of sight. You are certain you see something; a sense of apprehension is growing. One minute life is what is has always been, and the next? You are moving forward at the speed of light, and just like a snap of the fingers thirty years has flown by. How curious and yet, how life affirming to know there has always been a constant in my adulting, my hubby and his strengths as a good human.

Let’s spend a moment of silence … Okay? Everything good?? Well, let me start by saying it is totally cool if that answer is NO. I have my daze. (You catch that play on words?) We are now working a new schedule with longer hours but shorter days. I wish sometimes that affecting a lifestyle change was as easy as stepping through a mirror or plunging down some shady ass rabbit hole but that my friends is not reality (I am a big fan of Alice in Wonderland). Everyone is (or should be) familiar with a quote that goes something like ” be the change you want to see in the world”. How many of us actually pursue it or believe we can change ourselves or the world around us? Scarce few of us, this I am certain. I used to be afraid. I am not anymore.

There was a time in my life when I felt overwhelmed by so many things around me. Growing up with little adult direction and guidance in my life colored all of my decisions, friendships, jobs, love, self-esteem, and sense of purpose. Once upon a time in a land far, far away there was a maiden, who didn’t understand her worth. Never in her thoughts was there a happily ever after looming in her dreams. Until one day, her future changed paths and she said YES…to a different mindset, to a different reality, not a fairy tale. He may not be a prince but to me he is a king. I am loved. I am enough. He sees me for everything that I am and still loves me. He is everything to me. My love, my joy, my aggravation (yes, I said aggravation; this is life not a Disney movie), The Green Hornet to my Kato. Today is our 27th wedding anniversary. It still feels like we are just starting out on our life journey together.

We are each blessed to have found the other. You are my EVERYTHING I love you more than you will ever know, thank you for being you.

Rolling Stone

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Sisyphus lives

For ten months I have stalled my engines on purpose, because I was hurt, angry, disappointed, and/ OR? Was I just not trusting myself to dance in the rain? try new things, make new friendships? I want to get to my goal. I let my rock (see cartoon) roll away from me. I obsess. My biggest weakness, but; a funny thing happened on the way to finding true happiness, I stopped worrying about all the small details and just started to enjoy myself.

For the first time in my life, without anyone else’s guidance, I am trying new things. I worked my ass off to lose weight, become healthier, make better choices for myself. I guess I wanted a billboard with the world’s largest ATTA GIRL pasted across it as a reward but what I got was ” you are up three pounds from last year” at my last physical. I’m going to interject here. Once upon a time I weighed over 300lbs. I have never been able to maintain a loss for longer than six months before I give up on myself. I am different this time. I have kept it off since 2020! DRAMA QUEEN MOMENT!!! I was devastated. Not ONE word of acknowledgment or encouragement! I had been in some sort of mourning since.

My next physical is fast approaching in November and suddenly since late yesterday I have let all the obsessing go. I mean really WTF, why obsess? Obsessing gets in the way of things I want to accomplish. Since I couldn’t have a billboard, I patted myself on the back, shouted a resounding atta girl to my reflection in the mirror and picked myself up off the sidewalk. My journey is far from over, there is much terrain to cover, plenty of adventures, things to see, do, experience, feel, and live in my own hard fought for peace. I wish to be my true self every day, always. No more ‘fixing” who I am so you (whomever that is) will like me. Twist! okay?

I am certain my physician will be disappointed that I paused my story. Oh well, she will have to adjust to the fact that I needed to have a sidebar at the bench before proceeding. I will get to where I WANT TO DWELL, at my pace not hers. I work most days at being a better version of myself. I own my mistakes, shortcomings, bad behavior, laughs, the love, the good vibes. It is all me. I have a hard time staying in my lane, LOL. I feel healthier than I have in a long time. I am in a really good place. I no longer have to have meds for my diabetes. My blood pressure and heart are in great shape for an old broad. My cholesterol is acceptable.

I am that person who will compliment you because there isn’t enough kindness in the everyday of life. I sing to the emptiness around me because I feel that honest beauty is in short supply. I see you. You are beautiful. You are enough. You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Never Give Up on the Person You Are Meant TO BE. The best gift you can give someone is a smile. It is free. It comes with its own pure energy. It is contagious in a grand way. =)

On the Precipice of Nevermore

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I have been to the edge before; something (yes, that something is me) always happens, and I turn away. Lack of faith or fear of the unknown or? I have never trusted myself to find out what awaits me. Once I had the longest road to travel and was unsure of the way. I am older (who isn’t? lol) I have learned to live with my struggles. I have travelled far, seeing and doing many things I was afraid to try. I have opened my soul to new experiences, new people, new places. Have you ever undertaken a journey of many miles and lost track of the beauty in the route chosen? Well, that is story of my life in a brief sentence.

By embracing my journey, I have learned to accept not expect. I have learned to hug my world. Once upon a time I felt small, insignificant, un- something, wanted, loved, something was missing or so I thought. In setting myself free from people and things that were not right for me I changed. Change is scary but it can also be freeing and wonderful. I recently have had some health issues going on. I had to see my cardiologist, my primary care provider and my gynecologist. I feel like there is a joke in there somewhere, lol. I am fine. In fact, except for some touch up paint I am now medication free. How many 58-year-old people do you know that only need a daily vitamin and an allergy pill? I’ll wait.

I now find myself with a new sense of purpose to continue along my path, reach goal, maintain my progress forward for as long as I am able. I am at the top of my mountain, looking out over the precipice, determined to have other adventures, to meet new people, to enjoy whatever, nevermore will I doubt what I am worth. I am enough, I am loved. Never believe someone else’s vision of you. Something uttered in anger is thrown in an attempt to hurt. It is up to you to draw from it, hold onto it or set it free. Thank you for being part of my world. I hope you know how much I love you. You are loved. You are wanted. You mean more to me than I am able to convey. You are seen. You are heard.

In A Dream

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Or is it? a dream I mean. I think about you often. Once upon a time it was every moment of every day with every breath. I could not allow myself to accept that you had died. I still miss you. I would still give my life so you could have life but I am no longer crippled with sadness. Time does smooth a stone. Every year I tell myself that same little white lie, I will be strong. I will celebrate you…

You are there in the shadows waiting for me to give into the Mistress we call Sleep. I am sad. I am trying to stay awake, trying to make myself figure out what has triggered my tears. My soul knows but my mind does not want to give in. When I am lucky enough to see you in my dreams you are happy. There is a peace that surrounds you that escaped you when you were alive. Maybe that is just my deepest wish for you, that you found what you had spent all that time searching for. Today dawns the anniversary of your very last day. I like to think that we spent that day together but it is a lie. We talked but we were moving within our own lives, just like the days and months before your accident.

Sometimes in a storm we are unable to right our course or keep the boat from capsizing. I am sorry I didn’t realize you were in a storm. I love you. Love does not diminish with the years. I have a hard time recalling your voice now and that will only deepen as I age but your laugh is ever loud. Your beauty ever present.