Tag: love

Sister Act>>>Frustration & Doubt

kidtrishLeave a comment

I thought about you for most of my day yesterday. I have thoughts …if you will indulge me. I say this from my personal experience with this journey. Frustration, boy….she can be a great friend or the worst enemy you’ve ever had. I find when I am frustrated with a project that she (Frustration) often helps me to take a moment which helps me plan a new strategy or new path. However, when I am uncertain what to do she can linger longer than she should and then I find myself full of her best friend Doubt. All I can say is when those two start hanging around, Failure ,Abandonment, and Anger are usually close behind looking to get their party on. These party guest sometimes take me years to clean up after so I suggest you DON’T entertain them! Frustration is not like Joy. We all know Joy is wonderful to have around but she is fickle and often leaves a party without anyone noticing she is gone until it is too late and the air has gone out of all the balloons. Am I right? Then you might feel a little Frustrated but you know deep down that when Joy returns you will try to enjoy her more so you let Frustration go. You have the power to have Joy or Anger or Frustration or any of her other friends when you need them. Those emotions tend to be controllers in our lives instead of us guiding their use. I have often left my own journey because I GAVE UP on the power of ME! I let all of my unnamed anger, frustration, doubt rule what I want, who I want to be.

I have often dumped Joy, Love, and Acceptance by the wayside because I felt unworthy to accept their unconditional friendship. Know Your worth. Stand up for the distance you have traveled on this journey. Bad feelings are temporary. YOU CAN DO THIS! You are worth all of the struggle. You are enough. You are stronger in ways you never give yourself credit for.

I had to learn to make peace with who I am. I did not become overweight overnight. I will not get healthy overnight either. This time I do this for the best version of myself. The one I love. The one I respect. The version of myself that has learned to be JOYFUL, LOVING, ACCEPTING. Sure I still feel Frustrated but I just stopped entertaining her and her motley crew. I busy myself with things that I enjoy and things have a way of calming down.

Don’t throw your successes away, keep fighting the good fight. I am proud of you!

Never Give UP On The Person You Are Meant To Be!

Mulligan Anyone?

kidtrishLeave a comment
A mulligan is a second chance to perform an action, usually after the first chance went wrong through bad luck or a blunder. Its best-known meaning is in golf, whereby a player is informally allowed to replay a stroke, even though this is against the formal rules of golf. The term has also been applied to other sports and games, and to other fields generally. The origin of the term is unclear. I lifted this definition from Wikipedia.
that-golf-swing

What if this is your chance? a do- over? Reach out to someone you have lost touch with.  Maybe it is someone you miss, apologize and make that relationship whole again. Or does there need to be a deep cleanse of your Facebook page? Unfriending is an option. I found myself tempted by the prospects of letting go of the toxicity that often comes with “social media”. I have set a few people free and in doing so I have set myself free. Maya Angelou has a saying “when someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them the FIRST time!” If I had only heeded this advice more often than ignored it I would have been in a much better space right now. = )

Truths? Most people on the periphery of your life DO NOT GIVE ONE DAMN about you. I am learning real friends ask how you are. Real friends owl mail special things to your door on a rainy day. Real friends laugh with you. Real friends hold each other up, build bonds, offer help. Even if that help is just a video chat, a text, or a phone call. Everyone has a village. I am proud to say that my village has the best people. Some I chose, some chose me. My family, my book club ladies, my WWs peeps, co-workers, hockey peeps,  have all become more of an important part of my life. Something in my life I never dreamed of having, acceptance for everything weird thing that makes me who I am. You know what makes me stronger? and helps me see the next day and the next day and the day after that? YOU. So in case you still have not heard my message: you are important, you are beautiful, you are wanted, you are enough. I love you. I am always waiting in the wings. Curtains up!

(virus) We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important message. Love the people in your life while they are in your life. Life is a precarious balance between good and bad, love and hate. Be in your moments, all of them, make memories, be honest, be true to who you are not what people want. Try to leave warm thoughts of you with someone instead of a trail of sadness and anger. Try to be kind to everyone, self included. You will return to your busy lives soon enough.

this so me!

Untitled Four Days Ago…

kidtrishLeave a comment

Gotta love WordPress for the motivation. This post was really not untitled, it was abandoned. I stepped away from it because I was starting to crawl into that dark spot in my mind that always gets me into trouble and causes me to dwell too long on things that are irrelevant but that my anxiety princess likes to hold onto.true You know what I am talking about, yes, you do. I am good enough? Can I do this? Why is everything in such turmoil? Like being on a carousel that has gone hay wire. Except, I am the one who controls this ride. ME not the media, not the virus, not the fear…me. 

Okay, so maybe the virus isn’t helpful. ( I mean really, enough already, sigh) but this is what we are dealing with right now. I am safe. I am loved. I am needed. I AM ENOUGH. Tough times often define people. Thins out a crowd and let’s those strong enough to stand up to be seen. I wasn’t always strong. I picked it up along the way on my journey.  A girl can only cry so much either stay lost or find your way to something… Yes, I know that to some of you I seem larger than life, that people see me. It is only because I make them see. I was invisible for a long long time. In my youth I sort of skirted the outer parameters of life. People knew I was around but very few cared what was on the other side of the fence. Or at least that’s the way I always felt; until I felt love. Not parental love but love of friends, my husband, of people in and around my life. The people I have met at WWS,  people I have met at hockey, people I have met because I am bold enough to sing in public for absolutely NO REASON, people who needed other people to see them…

I see you. I see you’re anxious. We are all worried. Life can be so full of conflict. Just don’t lose sight of the fact that life is also filled with light, love, laughs. I hope that we are able to return to our most frequented paths soon. Being brave for me means refusing to give into fear, to stand up and find my way. I am often afraid and uncertain about what is coming up next in the queue of life but I am also determined to see what is next. You are never alone as long as I’m somewhere nearby =)

Much love and positive vibes until we cross paths again.

The Road Untraveled

kidtrish2 Comments

I have never been one to sit at home. I never thought that in my lifetime I would be forced to stay home for any length of time and yet… Mother Nature is a force not to be reckoned with. Karma is a real thing. I am guessing She had a score to settle. Good times, not! Okay, enough bitchin’. I have things to say. If you are a part of my life, if you know me, not who you think I am; but, who I really am then you know that when I love it is always on a grand scale and when I hate that scale is SO MUCH LARGER.

I hate what this pandemic is turning everyone into. All the pettiness, all the conspiracies, the blame game, the stupidity, sadness, and anxiety. I get it. I am scared too. I do not want to lose the people in my life that I love. I refuse to turn into a small, petty minded, harsh jerk. In the words of a lady I met this past summer in a happy circumstance JUST STOP.
Stop and think for a moment that the older person 6 feet away from you might need to see your smile or hear you say hello or need help in a small way. You can do it and still be safe.

Everyday life is so busy and pressed for time that people have forgotten how to be kind. Just stop, smell the flowers, sing the song, go for a walk. I have done all of these every day that I have been on quarantine. I plan on doing them again tomorrow and the tomorrow after that. I hate that I no longer feel safe. Safety is like evil, people often take them both for granted. No one ever realizes how fragile their own lives are. If you are not careful with your own safety, people get hurt by it. If you don’t recognize evil in the world it can put your safety and those that you love in peril. JUST STOP.

I need you. I need you in my life. My world is so much smaller than it used to be. Stay home, get on each others nerves. Be grateful that you CAN get on someone’s nerves. I love each and every one of my friends for varied reasons. Some of you make me cry, some make me think, some push my buttons, some I like in small doses but I love each of you because you make me a better version of myself every time we are together. Be my friend and we shall journey on this adventure we call life.

 

The Heart of the Matter

kidtrish1 Comment

I have experienced great loss in my life. My kid sister, my Mom, my Pops, my cousin Mike. I love each of them dearly in entirely different ways. Both my cousin and my sister were on the younger side of life. My world was shaken to its core the day my sister died. Losing her changed me in ways I never imagined a person could change. I am kinder. I am in my moments. I tell people I love them. I HUG. I am less guarded with my emotions, which is both a blessing and a curse. I am not perfect nor do I want to be. Some days I am still a shit. I can be hateful but I try to be the better version of myself everyday.

I am writing this because I am trying to reign in my emotions. I have had a tough couple of days which in all honesty pales in comparison to the last couple of days in life of someone I love, my Auntie T. I love this woman. She is my Mother’s kid sister. She has always been the cool Aunt. The one who took you on adventures when you were a kid. The one who bought you the Christmas gift your parents didn’t know you needed. She took me to have my picture taken by a photographer before I started Kindergarten. I was petrified of the camera. She was so patient. I am part Native American so who knows maybe our ancestors knew a thing or two about soul stealers? When I was a little girl, before my Auntie started a family of her own, she was my magic. There was always something about her, almost like an energy, a force of nature.

As life sometime goes, in the process of growing up you also grow away. Life is a selfish journey sometimes and though no one is at fault we all move in directions that sometime remove us from the people we love the most. My teen years and her own growing family changed our dynamic.  We were busy moving in our own circles. Our lives on very separate paths for a long time…and then my sister died, and my mother was not well. Over the next few years I grew closer to my Auntie again. I guess I never realized just how much she has meant to me until she told me that she needed heart surgery.

My own mother had heart surgery when she was 48 or 49 years old. She almost did not survive. My mother smoked. She was obese. She struggled with mental illness. The real problems with her recovery were linked to a 3 pack a day smoking habit and the amount of psyche meds she was on. She was in a medically induced coma for several days and her body did not want to breathe again on its own.  Eventually my mother got better and after a very long 10 months she was back to herself. The vision of my mom lying lifeless after surgery lives in my memory. Needless to say I was very afraid for my Auntie.

I prayed. Small thing, right? Not for me. Not for the girl who feels invisible, even to God. I was relieved when the text came through my phone that my Auntie had pulled through surgery ok. Maybe just this once God heard me. I went to visit with her today. She is doing well. She is so much more healthier than my poor mother ever was. She has a long recovery in front of her but she will make it. I hope she has many well lived years ahead of her. Never underestimate what you mean to someone. I have always tried to be the best example to my niece and nephews because of my Auntie T. She knows I love her but I don’t think she knows how important a role she has played in my life. Thank you for being you.

You are loved more than you know.

You are stronger than you realize.

I Love You.

Sunflowers
Soulshine
and love

 

 

The Way It Is

kidtrishLeave a comment

It had been a good shower. The water just the right amount of heat. As I sat in my office combing my hair I could hear him fumbling around. “Hmmm, it’s only 5:37 am he shouldn’t be awake yet.” I said to myself, not seeing the cat in her Circle of Doom. I know why I could hear him. Asshole, the Ninja Cat had bounced into our bedroom eager for her early morning rubs,and brush routine. She is getting old and I think a little senile so … she does what she does. She is living her best life. I only wish we could say the same.

It is frustrating getting older, not just for me but my hubby as well. He often tells me to relax, that we will work everything out but he only says that in an attempt to calm me down, so I will feel safe. Hubby works a job stripping cartons off of trailers, sorting cartons by purchase orders onto pallets and then wheeling pallets down along a dock. Sounds simple enough, but it is heavy work and the constant walking back and forth is causing him hip issues because of the physical repetitive nature of his job. I want him to be free of the pain I know he is in. I want him to be able to work a job that he can excel in, one where he is appreciated and respected but we are “blue collar” which tends to limit possibilities for advancement or new job opportunities. Add to that we are both over the age of 50 so jobs are harder for us to secure.

We have been together for over 25 years and married for 23. A huge accomplishment for me on so many levels. I struggle with myself over so many issues: childhood bullsh*t I have a hard time letting go of and all the baggage I let that trauma create and yet I am the love of his life. Some days I want to run away, to go somewhere, to break free of life and all of its responsibilities. I become filled with a rage I find difficult to shake off and sometimes I don’t want to be married or tied to anyone in anyway, shape, or form. His love keeps me tethered. He can be frustrating. He doesn’t like change. He can be very single minded about a subject. He often has expectations I feel I can not meet. I allow him to get under my skin, my frustration levels rise, sometime we bicker. I want more for him but it is not in my power to grant it.

Sometimes by Friday he is worn out with nothing more to give. I called him out of work today. Somedays I cave and stay home with him. My anger over the situation spilling out of my mouth into words designed to hurt him. I lie to myself and promise that next time I will be more understanding, that I will be more supportive, that I will hold my tongue, that I will just go to work myself and find a way to keep up with the never ending supply of bills that NEED to be paid. Today I caved. Today I kept my promise, no words spilled. Today I am being supportive. I love this man. Somehow we will figure it all out. Today I chose peace over turmoil. The greatest gift we give each other is love. A job, is what you do, not WHO you are.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are MEANT To Be

Extraordinary

kidtrishLeave a comment

52592516_10155845309072676_6878891334342541312_oWe walk right by it everyday. Extraordinary beauty in ordinary things. I hung out this weekend with my BFF. Sometimes I forget about the beauty, in the kind of person she is. The little thoughtful things she does for people because she cares. I would be lost without her. She takes NONE of my bullshit. She lets me be silly. She lets me sing no matter where we are. She listens to me when I feel like no one hears me.  Do you have anyone in your life who take you for all that you are? No? I feel sad for you. She is a perfect bloom. A rose in a bunch of flowers that catches your eye. Sunshine when there is only rain. She gives so much of herself to others. I am truly blessed to be able to call her my friend.

I am not sure she knows how much of an impact she makes on the people in her life. She is an amazing friend. I don’t tell her enough just how much she has added to my life. Our friendship flows as easily as if we have known each other a lifetime. We started out as strangers, who became friends, who became family. Friends are the family we get to choose. Choose wisely it will enrich your lives in ways you never expected.

You just call out my name and I will be at your side, I promise.

 

Asshole, the Ninja Cat

kidtrishLeave a comment

No, that’s not really her name but whenever she bites me and I am not expecting it, I admit, I usually call her Asshole. I love this cat. I hate this cat. I will be devastated when her time comes and she leaves for Rainbow Bridge someday. For the very first time yesterday, I gave her oral medication before a visit to the vet. My little cat friend is closing in on being an ancient beast of fifteen. She needed some dental attention and is too old to put under anesthesia. I stood in the exam room out of the way as the Vet scraped the plaque off my cat’s teeth. As my cat was under the influence of some pretty good tranquilizers she didn’t struggle much and I am told felt no pain. Well, I felt pained. There was blood. I didn’t expect to see blood. She has a loose tooth she will undoubtedly lose while eating. She has a cavity in another tooth and will have to return to the vet in a month to check for infection and to see what we will do to fix this situation, if it can be fixed. Pepper is a ninja. In all the years I have owned her she has never once let me clip her nails or brush her teeth. She has amazing reflexes. I am the one who ends up with damages, scratches, and bite marks. Any time I have attempted to do things she does not want she draws blood, mine.

My Maine Coon Cat
Pepper

I was a lost soul after my kid sister died. I hate the term passed away. She didn’t pass anything. She was involved in a car accident that claimed her life, like some Netherworld badass took her life in token, almost as if it held a winning lottery ticket from the other side of the veil. It has taken me a long time to sort of come to terms with my loss. Some days I am still painfully angry but Pepper, my cat, helps me find a space of peace and love.

She makes me get out of bed in the morning. She butts her head into my legs when she is in need of love and smoochies. She bites my feet through the blankets when I toss and turn too much and disrupt her sleep. She is the one who sits on my chest and gazes into my face until my unconscious self becomes aware. She is velvet soft. She purrs instantly if I rub her head or brush out her mane. She prefers human hairbrushes to cat combs. I have to keep mine away from her reach or she will claim it as her own.

My ninja cat is an oddity. She was weened too young (not my fault) her tummy cannot tolerate wet food. She likes to lick the salt off potato chips and will steal pretzels from you if you are not careful. She adores raisins. I know they are poisonous to cats. If I accidentally drop a raisin it becomes a race to see if I will be able to pick it up before she sweeps in with her ninja reflexes and consumes it. I don’t eat raisins in the house often…she is that fast. She adores fresh carrots, balsamic vinaigrette, and grilled chicken.  She loves the smell of my mint dental floss, so much so that I have to conceal it in the trash bin to keep her from taking it after I have discarded it or she will steal it to chew on as if it were her own. I can not wear any lip balm to bed containing peppermint oil. She will wait until I fall asleep and have a tasting binge of my face.

Her little soul has become part of my being. Talking to the vet yesterday I felt myself getting teary eyed. I see more clearly now that she is aging. Sometimes I have to pick her up to put her on the bed. She has slowed down some. After a long nap she favors one leg a little more than the others so she limps. Her hearing is not as acute as it once was. I can sneak up on her if she is in a deep sleep. She seeks me out more often for cuddles and wants to snuggle under blankets even when it is not cold. Love for a pet is a real thing. I love her more than I realized.

September 8,2020 today we said goodbye, God Speed little one. You were loved.

The First Post After…

kidtrishLeave a comment

the reset button has been pushed.reset I am sitting in my office typing this, trying to figure out what to tell you about my post from the other day. I am fine. I know sometimes I can be very dark.  I know that you lovely people have worried for me. I AM OKAY! I guess I scared my hubby as well, my bad. I have anger issues. I have had this problem even before I knew what an issue was. I have never learned to deal with myself in an appropriate calming manner. I am sorry if I scared anyone that was not my intention.  I BLOG as self therapy. I sit here pouring my heart out to the great cosmos like I am having the best conversation ever with someone in my life that “gets” me, the whole me, the weird me, the wonderful me, the funny, odd, complex me that is ME! I had a best friend. She was my ride or die; until she died in a car accident. Now when I am writing I pretend I am sitting across from her where we used to hang out and chat. I am in my life, most days. I love what is in my life, most days. I even like my job, most days; but sometimes I veer off course. I don’t know why. Maybe I am more like my mother than I like to admit.

I get overwhelmed. I run out of ideas about how to make things better. Sometimes there is more stress than fun. Sometimes there are life events that are beyond my control. I react to them badly. I may be “OLD” but there will always be a learning curve. If only life were a TV sitcom. I could go to Mike Brady and seek counsel but TV is TV. When has Hollywood ever actually saved the day in the real world or made you a better person? Never, at least not to my knowledge.

I need to focus more of my energies on things that bring me JOY. I want all of the people in my life to know that your support, love, friendship and comedy routines mean everything to me. I LOVE you all. I know you are there if needed. I hope you know that I am your ride or die chick (no crime sprees though). I am here if you need me…

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be…

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Head Space

kidtrishLeave a comment

In the interest of better living I have decided to stop torturing myself with the world of WWs. I want other things in my head space, positive things. I find the longer I try to conform to the plan the more lost and depressed I become. This in no way means that I am quitting. Sometime in my future I may once again embrace the culture of WWs, I just need to find who I used to be. This has been quite the relationship but when something that has been good for you becomes something else, you have to be wise enough to take a step back and figure out if where you are headed is where you want to go.
I need to put my WWS experience away for safe keeping. I need to travel a different path for awhile. I am sorry WWs but from now on you’re only someone that I used to love.

The time has come in my journey for me to find where I let myself out on the side of the road. I learned food basics along time ago. In my quest toward ” solve for X” I put aside my truths in exchange for a dream that I built on wet cocktail napkins and cheap party tricks. Somewhere I convinced myself that if I could just fix my fat self  I would have more in my life. There’s in nothing wrong with what is in my life. I bought my own lie. I guess it’s true what they say (who ever “they” may be) that with age come wisdom. It is time I believe in my own power again, find what makes me happy…and today for the first time in more than six months I did.

Sometimes I lose faith in myself. I wander around lost in my head unable to tie my laces and finish the race. I find if I listen to my heart I usually find my way back.  Oh! Look! I am right where I left me = )  Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE!