My Life

It’s been a great many things lately but not about many great things. I have been sleep walking through my life for a few months now. I am tired. I am starting not to feel well. My eating habits, the good ones, have left for vacation and are currently late in returning to work. The bad ones, well let’s just say they are wreaking havoc with my permission. I am a firm believer that until I give in I have not given up. I refuse. I merely parked my ass on the curb over the Summer and have been like a spoiled child spazing out over an imaginary insult. Well, today I sent those nasty never do well bad habits on their way BAGS PACKED. I have thrown out (or eaten) the last of all those “magical” foods that make me feel “whole”. LIES! all lies I tell myself because I am feeling vulnerable or stressed. Junk Food is not my friend. Craptastic food has never made me feel better about anything. Usually it just makes me feel worse. Kind of like when you go to a party dressed to kill but… it isn’t Halloween so everyone looks at you like your that goofy kid who somehow always manages to get singled out and picked on. ALL tricks no treats.

How about for once I move forward without taking two steps back? Novel idea for me.

I have the tools. I just need to go back to using them. I belong to a gym. I enjoy going there. It is my time to be by myself. Think about my day, exhale. Let go of the stress. Go TEAM ME! Tomorrow morning I will pull up on my big girl panties. I will hold my head high. I will walk back into that meeting and own my destiny. I am not defeated. I was only distracted.

What’s IT Worth?

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )