Will I ever let go of the things in my life that are toxic? I eat too much in a continued never ending sad attempt to dilute my anger? my fear? my inadequacies? I have spent a good deal of my life trying to make everyone else in my life happy by putting my wants, needs, and dreams on a back burner. I am now way passed my forties. I am actively enmeshed in my glorious (not) fifties. I do not like the way my body betrays me. I have allowed the fearful part of myself to control my life. My physician asked me to come back for a follow up after my physical in October because she was worried about my state of being (mental health check). I feel like I am standing on the edge of a beautiful mountain side but I am on the wrong side of this vision. There is nothing beautiful left on this side. Everything lies in ruins, overmined and stripped of all of its natural beauty.
I grew up feeling like a misfit, not really part of anything. I was withdrawn in school. I did well academically but never had the ambition to find my dream or a mentor to help me find a direction or career path. I had zero friends. My level of self loathing off the charts but somehow I managed to hang on. I adult with no direction. You can’t tell me you are surprised. Can you? I still have no life plan. I never thought for one second in the time of my youth that I would live longer than the age of thirty; yet here I am in my current lovely state of disrepair. I have spent most of my life chasing a version of myself I am not sure exists anywhere but in the corner of my mind.
Where to start? I can not continue to get up day after day feeling like what I do and who I am is not important. I want to recapture my joie de vie. Did I ever have a joy for my life? I am sure I did. I am struggling with the getting older part. “You know your skin is saggy in places. You are getting AGE spots. Did you know you drool in your sleep?” Youthful Trish mocks me. I do not want my picture taken ever again but I will pose when asked. I am forever telling people to stop underestimating what they mean to others but I have no idea what I mean to people in my life. You could be someone’s hero even when you feel like a big fat nothing, I am trying to break free of my sadness. A sadness that does not seem to have a true origin. Is this what menopause is? A long journey into sad? I want to throw tantrums, but I am a grown woman and quite frankly who wants to see an overweight, older, adorable female throw herself on the floor of a local Trader Joe’s? I mean, what a way to go viral on social media! Thank the gods I have more restraint than that, well, at least I think I do.
The times they are a-changin’. I have been fighting my own personal battle with depression??? for just over a year. I don’t feel sad all the time; I just don’t feel like myself. I don’t know how else to articulate how I am feeling. My journey down into the abyss of menopause has been uneventful yet full of emotion. I hate when I cry. Somehow though I have become really good at it. Dropped a hat did you? The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish? family commercial on TV about Al Fresco cooked chicken sausage, yup tears, WTF?
Last year before Christmas I was doing so well. I had lost 60 pounds. I was feeling like I was living my best life and then just like that…
shit changed. My MIL was recovering from hip replacement surgery. I volunteered to host Christmas at our house. I never should have suggested it. I let myself become overwhelmed. I turned to my old stand by FOOD. Food never lets me down. I can not resist her charms. Once I start placating myself with treats, I spiral. I gained back almost all of the 60 pounds I lost between December of 2017 and October of 2018! WHY? why will I never learn? I was even dumb enough to host Christmas again this year. HELLO! DUMBASS! Just stop doing this to yourself.
I am fearful of posting the link for my blog on FB anymore. I used to feel safe in the knowledge that I could just be me but my MIL now has an account on social media. I know there is no expectation of privacy on social media but at least I was safe from her prying eyes. Now I feel NAKED. She can see everything. I did not accept her friend request much to the anger of my hubster. She will not understand. She will take it as an attack. It’s not. No matter what I choose to do it will be the wrong choice. I don’t want to hurt her feelings but it will happen.
I became the ambassador of adventure, sometime during the summer of 2018. In the midst of my semi-funk I decided that my bestie was too busy to hang with me so…I cheated on our friendship with gals from work. I planned a different adventure almost every Saturday from July to October. I drove, played tour guide, museum curator and foodie extraordinaire. Newport RI mansions, Gloucester’s Hammond Castle and sea shore, Maritime Salem and Hocus Pocus shenanigans. What a whirlwind! that did absolutely nothing to get me out of my funk…
Don’t get me wrong it’s not the company. You’ve all been great fun…and oh the fun we’ve had. I am a little broken at the moment. I will be hosting adventures again this year. Why? because it feels wonderful to get away from the muck and boredom of everyday life. I will get my groove back. I refuse to give up. I am trying to find my way back to the happier version of myself.
I have gone back to WWs. I am sure as soon as I apply myself to the task at hand, relax, do what I know works I will be back on track. To the people in my life who never give up on me, I love you more than you will ever know. You are my everything. (The chin starts to shake and the tears begin to well. Who is this Trish?) freakin’ menopause, smh!
Never Give Up On Who You Are Meant To BE!!!!