Sabotage

I rained on my own parade. Today was not a good day. There was a snowstorm today. I like to tell myself that I am Okay, that I can survive anything but I have a secret. It’s a lie. I was blessed/cursed (depending on my mood it could be one or the other) to have one parent with serious mental illness. I like to think that I am above that affliction and that there is nothing in the world that can get under my skin. If I work hard enough and fight the gallant fight I will always overcome whatever obstacles lie in my way even when I am the obstacle.

My mother had anxiety about everything. The TV, the weather, medicine, news of any kind. You name something, anything and she had a fear or a superstition or a complaint about it. She couldn’t calm the thoughts that raced through her mind and often screamed out when her nerves gave her a run for her money. Yes, she was one odd duck but she was my mom. I learned to become who I wanted in spite of her shortcomings as a parent and  with no solid direction as to which way to start this race.

I picked up more than a few unhealthy habits form her. Instead of finding a way to deal with something that is bothering me, I simply picked up on her cue to avoid any bad situation by stuffing a bag of chips down my gullet.  Man, there is nothing like a sugar high when your anxiety is running off the scale and you need (not really) to feel the rush from a case of the jitters brought on by too much crap.  I HATE WHEN I DO THAT!

I was not kind to myself today. I tried to have a good day. I kept busy. I did not watch storm coverage. I filled my (trapped indoors by a storm) day with chores. My house is sparkly. I was trying so hard not to dwell too much on the fact that I was stuck inside that my anxiety get the better of me. I fed those emotions with crap that I don’t care about or for that matter, particularly like but I did it. Why? I learned to calm my anxiety that way… my mother self medicated so I self medicated. BAD, bad idea; but, I am learning to learn from my mistakes. I do not enjoy the hangover from food burnout. I have come to enjoy eating healthy to feel healthy. I am feeling better now. Tomorrow is a new day. There is no more giving up on myself. I need to work harder on not giving into my inner demons by letting them have their way. I am not a spoiled child that needs to be told yes over and over again in order to feel validated. I stopped being the worst example of myself over a year ago. I am not going back to that dark place ever again if I can help it.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

 

Chillax

A word that I picked up somewhere. It means to chill out and relax. It may have come from the interwebs or I overheard it somewhere. I liked it when I heard it so it has become part of my Trish-isms.  A Trish-ism is something that I have added to my conversational art; how I view my world, people and things around me. A little bit of my unique quirkiness.

We all talk to ourselves. WE all spend too much time thinking, overthinking, tearing down instead of building up. IT is a hard habit to break. I try to start every morning spending a few minutes, before I get lost in my day, sitting on the edge of my bed chillaxing. I shut off my alarm, though most mornings my cat wakes me up, and I reflect.  I draw in a few deep breaths. I stretch and take inventory of my aches and pains. Let’s be honest at my age (51) I am luckier than most,in that I am in good health. I say reflect because if I start thinking, I over think and I screw up my day. I am an over thinker. Was I a good person yesterday? what do I need to do to make today better than yesterday? do I need to shave my legs? need coffee? yes, silly girl …let’s go. It is a new day and another chance to tilt my world right. If I spend too much time thinking about the sketchy choices I made at supper, I  carry around self doubt ALL day. My one bad meal choice can quickly turn into the zone of poor choices sprinkled with enough self pity to crush any living beautiful thing.{{{shudder}}}

Embrace the chillax. Step away from self made drama, focus on what you have done right. Apply what you have learned. Observe, absorb, learn, move on. I am learning to relax with myself,to be calm, to chill out and relax. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.