Do I LOVE You Enough?

When I ask someone in my life that question I always get the odd look. But? Do I? Do I love you enough? Why do I ask? I get caught up in myself. I can be very selfish and petty. Being the drama queen that I know I am, I can react way over the top about things.  I just want to make sure that I haven’t pushed you away. So I guess it is my way of checking that you are okay. That our relationship is okay. Because I do love you very much and some times I am such an ass.

I woke from a fitful sleep. Today is my birthday. I dreamt all night about loss in my life. I was not sure you were in bed. I rolled over. I could feel you beside me but I couldn’t hear you, fucking air conditioning. Today is our day off from work for the Fourth of July; I was going to sleep in but I just can’t… I woke up feeling out of sorts. I just needed to hear your soft snore but I am greeted with silence. I step into my slippers and trudge to the alarm clock, shutting it off before I forget. I make my way to the bathroom. Ninja cat is outside our bedroom lying on the cool tile floor trying to catch a breeze from the air conditioner running in our room.

I sit in the bathroom talking myself down from a night of bad dreams. Love does not keep you from loss. I could not have loved my parents or my sister any more than I do or any more than I ever did. Loss comes to us all eventually. When I finish in the bathroom I do not return to bed. I still need a few minutes. I know you are sleeping but my heart is racing from anxiety. I force myself to fulfill my morning routine. Feed and water the cat, put on the coffee, back to the bedroom to take my morning vitamins and allergy pill. I decide not to go back to bed and lay down, as I try to walk by the end of the bed I falter and brush against your feet. I startle you awake. I am sorry and relieved at the same time.

I love you . I love you more than I let you know. I have become the person I am because you never give up on me. You are always by my side. You believe in me even when I don’t believe in myself. You a little quirky but, really? who am I? The best thing I ever did for myself was to believe that I was worth someone’s love. Will you be my love? We at this moment are growing old with each other and I for one love that.

One day there will be loss but for today I want to celebrate LIFE. This pandemic has really taken so much from people. I am so thankful I made it to my next birthday so many haven’t.  Love the people in your life. Be BOLD, be PRESENT, be giving and forgiving. The best  gift you ever have is LOVE. It is the only gift that gets stronger every time you share it. Thank you for being

a part of my life. Much Love.

Realize, real lives

Funny how those words sound so similar. I went back to myself this week. Me, the Trish that I am, that I am happiest being. I made it to my water aerobics class three times this week just like I promised myself I would. Yes! Go Me!!!! I laughed more. I listened to the tiny voice of HOPE I carry around in my head. It was just where I had left her waiting; until I needed her again. hope

I AM…most at peace with myself when I am true to myself. I am happily married. I am a power in my own right. I am worth my journey. I realized that I have a real life. I am loved. I am needed. I am EVERYTHING I never thought I would be. I AM…

Walking side by side today with my love, I finally realized that what we have is the realest thing I have ever allowed myself to be a part of.  We lost sight of each other through a field of strangers at the BIG E today. I felt myself get a little panicky. I told myself all would be ok. The look of concern that registered across his face when I located him; how it melted away just by his seeing me, told me a thousand tales. Why wasn’t I willing to recognize the depth of his love before that moment escapes me. Maybe I didn’t want to believe someone could love me madly, truly, deeply. Guess I am the lucky one. Love is indeed a wonderful gift that keeps on giving.

 

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  ❤

 

 

Don’t hold back, love the people in your life!