Semi Colon ;

Please let me say this now, in no way do I mean to hurt anyone’s feelings or make light of your own personal struggles or mental health issues. This is my story. I just feel that if things don’t get said no one hears the dialog and things just stay the same.

I grew up with a parent who was disabled by her mental illness. I was teased by peers because my Mom was weird. Kids were often mean and let’s be honest didn’t understand and didn’t want to understand. I struggle with my own sense of worth because of how I was raised. It is a daily struggle for me to believe that people like me and in spite of myself it is true. The World right now is in an uproar about suicide and mental health but I am not sure the World really knows how fucking hard it is to let someone into your suffering. Everybody has the answer the day after. No one likes to be held at arms length to be judged. Some times that is the reoccurring theme of a person living with depression, judgement. Do you know how many times I have heard in my lifetime that my mother was faking her mental illness just for the attention.  The words of disbelief from people because they were under the false assumption that my mother had her shit together but was putting on a show.

If I concentrate and close my eyes I can still see my mother’s tear stained face. I can feel her anguish. I am unable to help. She doesn’t want to be sad but she doesn’t know how not to be. It is not about the things you have in your life. It is that you are in your life. You are convinced that everything would just be better if you went away. The number of times my mother threatened to abandon me by dying…has left me with scars that never quite heal. My pain is just below a brave façade I put out there for the people in my life. The face I want the world to see, not the person I really am. Every time I learn of another death caused by suicide I can’t help but wonder how long that soul fought with themselves, years? weeks? months? too afraid to ask for help? or too caught up in their own demon flow that they just felt they were not worth saving? Or???? Questions I cannot answer, haunt me. I am returned to my childhood; I struggle to regain {my sense of who I am}the ground I have fought so hard for all of my life. My nights are filled with terror and nightmares.

Everybody has the answer the day after. I stopped blogging for a few weeks because I needed to figure out where I was going. I had started to give away things I own. I have been obsessing about down sizing because I am getting older but I have been ANGRY, agitated, and feeling like I just wanted my ride to be over. I guess I didn’t realize how easy it was for me to slip into the abyss. How many times in my life did I stand frozen with fear watching my mother in the depths of her illness, in pain and anger and self loathing, struggling to find a reason to stay? I knew from an early age she had to find her own reasons to live, that we weren’t her reasons. I think sometimes that is why I feel like I am not enough. Children should never be responsible for an adults happiness and well-being.

Never under estimate the power of a smile or a kind word or a firm well meaning question. Someone in your life is out there trying to find a way to keep you in this life. Believe it. You are loved so much more than you give yourself credit for. You are strong in a way that makes your inner beauty shine. You are kind. You are wanted. You are everything to someone. You are ENOUGH. I love you. Everyone struggles. Everyone cries. You are not alone.

I have been having a difficult time finishing this piece. Menopause is no joke. I hate the person I am right now. Overly emotional, tired, and hateful. I am not this. I am better than this. Trying to come up with answers I could swallow, I made myself sick. I have been having a hard time trying to figure out where I am going. I took some time off from blogging to relax, breathe and reconnect with who I am and what I want for myself. Love is the greatest gift we can give. I LOVE YOU.

For more information about Project Semicolon please visit: https://projectsemicolon.com/

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant TO BE

 

 

Avalanche

I don’t always know what to do. I am the first one to admit that. Why people take it upon themselves to believe otherwise is beyond me. They are only fooling themselves. I went to my WW meeting last week. I was down at the scale. Usually that is enough to make me happy and ready to face my next week. I guess a few things have been feeding off of my psyche lately. People hearing me yet not listening to a word I say.  Me returning the favor in kind. It happens. I plan on being in my day, everyday but some times I catch myself not really being where I am supposed to be. That’s when my conversations sound more like yes, Dear. Yes, I am listening, uh huh….yada yada yada but I am the guilty person not really listening. I hate when I do that. I hate it more when I am full in the knowledge that I am doing it.

I am trying to live in a small space of happiness that I create for me. I am still struggling over the loss of my beloved Pops. The rush of powerful emotions that bubble up to the surface before I can stop the well of tears is ripping me apart. My frantic swim against the roll of the tide started Saturday afternoon and finished sometime Tuesday. I crawled back to a set of bad habits looking for comfort. Surprise there was no comfort, only anger at myself for making a really bad choice. avalance1 I have been desperately trying to stay above the onslaught of debris. I feel like I just barely survived an avalanche. Once again I found myself at the edge of that cliff. Do I keep climbing to get to my goal? or is it time to turn tail and head back to base camp to lick my wounds? I was going to quit. I know how to quit. I am rather good at it, actually. It is not what I want for myself anymore.

Should I stay or should I go? It is equally difficult to choose either path. Quitting something comes with a certain level of relief, anger and grief. The last time I quit this weight loss journey was nearly ten years ago. Ten years I have floundered. Ten years I have been hating myself. Why? because I quit. I disappointed myself. Continuing my quest to my version of a better me also a hard sell. Taking personal inventory,checking supplies and getting up the steam to hit the trail again also comes with new doubts and fears. I have decided my best chance of being happy lies with continuing my journey forward.

Never under estimate the power of a kind word or two. At my lowest point this week someone told me how good I am looking. They commended me on the hard work I am putting in. Those words came to me when I needed them the most. I am going to try something new this trip around; I am not going to quit.  I try very hard to be happy, confident,welcoming and full of joy even though some days it is the farthest thing from the truth. I am not the only person in pain. I don’t want that pain to define who I am. I need to do this to prove to myself that I am strong. I am brave. I do have the right stuff. I am beautiful, just breathe and BELIEVE!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

Capable or Culpable ?

You decide. On this journey, we all must choose what we are. Capable? Willing? Wanting? Or ?

I make it no secret that I am a semi-active member of Weight Watchers. I say semi-active because while I attend my meeting most weeks I haven’t been “living” the program for a very long time. I could list a bunch of excuses, but really c’mon who wants to hear that BS? Life is an undertaking. The world continues to go on even when you don’t. I am capable. Very as a matter of fact. What I am is not willing. There is a part of me that is unwilling to try to be part of my solution instead of most of my issue. Do you get what I am trying to say? I get lost in the anger of my life. Perhaps anger is not even the correct feeling. I am frustrated. I am sad. I am disappointed. I am overwhelmed. I feel like there is never enough. Enough happiness, enough sunshine, enough love, enough peace, enough of whatever magic ingredient I feel that I am missing. Maybe there isn’t enough of me. I don’t give enough of myself to me so I can be more capable and less culpable.

I overeat that is why I am overweight. Simple. If you put 5lbs of sugar into a 2lb bag the contents will spill out. I am culpable. No one else is to blame for what I have done to my body, to myself. Just me.

What’s next? I think the answer lies in the questions. What do I want for myself? Am I capable? or am I more comfortable in the role of “won’t do”? Do I have enough faith in myself? Am I willing to embrace this program? to come to terms with the fact that left unattended I will always make the wrong choice because it is the easier path? Am I ready?

I need to look at each of the questions. I need to work on finding what works for me and what doesn’t . I need to be more into my success and less in to why I keep faltering. I don’t have all the answers. I will work this journey one moment at a time. I know I can do this. I want this.