My Lost Weekend?

Hubster is away from our homestead this weekend. He attends a gaming convention (not hunting and fishing ) every February. Long before I came into his life he has been making this annual trek to “hangout” with fellow nerds to have a grand time coming together to play games of various inclinations and skill levels. Nerds from all walks of life and different parts of the country come every year to sit in a conventional hall and play games all weekend long.

I am not a gamer, never will be. Time is a precious thing. I squandered too much of it in my youth. I have had my fill of lost weekends. I have been dreading this weekend since January. I look forward to being on my own and yet I am nervous about the prospect of it, separation anxiety I think or maybe the truth is I have not been on my own in a very long time. I have gone on these convention weekends since my hubster and I were dating. I would people watch, go shopping, catch up on books or research papers while I was on break from school or just did more shopping. I always went with my hub until last year. These conventions have always been held a significant distance from our house so for me it was a mini adventure and travel. In the past we have been to Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont. Places far enough away that a decent adventure can be had and sleeping accommodations must be made. Not anymore, now the convention is a mere 25 minutes from my house so why rent a hotel room?

I used some vacation time so I could have a long weekend being FREE but… hubby asked me to come for lunch on Friday (today) and supper on Saturday. Good bye to unplanned trip to Maine. Goodbye to getting anything fun in. Good bye to being FREE. I am pretty sure that I don’t have to tell you, we had an argument. This convention is his thing not mine. His once a year adventure not mine, his nerdy friends not mine. I know he will miss me but I think that is a good thing. I suggested that I could come to stay overnight on Saturday. This year he is splitting a room with my besties husband. He doesn’t want me to stay overnight. Oh no! bad idea. Apparently I SNORE! I can not unknow (yes, I know unknow is not a real word but I like it so there’s that!) this now; it makes me sad. How have I lived this long without knowing that sometimes I SNORE!

Just awesome! Let me say for the record my hubby snores as well but apparently mine is of epic proportions; UNBEKNOWNST to me! I feel so insulted, ugly and unwanted except for lunch and supper. I have no interest in visiting him for any reason. I wish to be childish and surly and waste my weekend doing nothing but being angry over this…OR…

I can just move on. I haven’t decided yet.

March On

As February is preparing to make its exit into March, I am taking a few moments to think about the good things I managed to do for myself. Instead of wallowing in the sorrow I allow to consume me every year on Brenda’s birthday, I went back to WWs. I wanted to do something positive for myself on her day. Put a different twist on the day. I made a commitment to myself. Live for the day you awake to. Do the best you can with the moment you are in. Be kinder to yourself. Everyone makes bad choices but one bad rock does not spoil a stone wall. Listen to how you feel. If you are angry verbalize why. Even if no one else is listening, you hear you. It’s OK to let go.

Let go of the emotions that keep you tied to the version of yourself that you don’t like. Stop calling yourself bad names. When left alone with my thoughts sometimes they (I am)are mean to me. I alone allow myself to be negative over small slights of weakness or anger or sorrow. Why? Have you ever just asked yourself why?  No? Me either. Odd but true the people in your life love you just as you are. So why do I suck at liking myself? I set my self expectations way too high above my limitations that’s why.

My back is finally on the mend, most of my mobility has returned which is just wonderful.  Every February during school vacation a group of gaming geeks gather for a weekend of gaming. It is about the  exchanging of ideas, bad food and the great company of people you love that you haven’t seen in a year. Not my cup of tea but it makes the hubster happy so I tag along. I spend my weekend being the trophy wife and running around fake shopping and exploring with my best gal pal, Jadira. This year my bestie was ill with a bad bout of bronchitis and I was a stiff painful back muscle cramp. We both tried to have a great weekend but in truth I would say on a scale from disastrous to cool we mellowed out somewhere around ehh, it was ok.

I tried to stay on program as much as possible. I even went to a WWs meeting on Saturday just like I was at home. Yippee for me. I am trying to stick to my guns, to become a better version of myself. For the first time in more than a few years I feel like I can do this.