What what?

Wait a minute! Breathe…

My thoughts don’t always jump from my brain cake to the page so easily. I have had my apple cart pushed over and all of my wares have rolled to the nearest gully. In the quiet moments of my day , my emotions hit me like a wave. I am struggling not to let them brim over and make me cry. Everyone in my life wants to know if “I’m Okay” and I am not sure how to answer that. A vase with a crack might still hold water but would you trust it on your best coffee table?

I am not young. I am not old. Whenever I was with my Dad, I felt like a little girl. I was loved. I was protected. I was safe. Now I am without him. Will I be Okay? Yes, in time. I have to fill the void in my soul with something meaningful. I just don’t know what that will be yet. It is not the fall that kills, it is the sudden stop. I was holding my own until everyone left and all of the gatherings were finished. The moment I exhaled to relax and regroup, my emotions slammed into me. I have cried a lot this past week. I sometimes forgot to eat or I didn’t feel like eating. I will be honest with you, I tracked my food very liberally. I didn’t step too far out of bounds but I did stray. The difference is the old me would still be in bed, still eating, still crying, still trying to figure out what to do next. I would be angry, mostly at myself, I am sure, but…

I don’t do that anymore. I want more from myself. I want more out of my world around me. I spent too many years agonizing about being enough. Good enough, pretty enough, happy enough. ENOUGH!!!! I have always been just what I needed. The only standards I need to live by or up to are my OWN! If you don’t like that your life is a standing pile of POO, step away from the pile. Make a new path, find a new way. Everyone’s journey has different roads. Just keep truckin’ . When I start to swirl in my own self-doubt I quietly remind myself that my Dad believed in me. I will not give in to my dark thoughts. It only takes the smallest spark of hope to accomplish BIG things.

You are beautiful. You are important. You are enough. Believe in the power of YOU!

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE-Ever!

Journey on

A Tweener

As I stood in line waiting to head for lunch today an elderly woman behind me tugged at my shirt. I guess to neaten up my appearance but she nearly caused my pants to meet my ankles, without my permission! I turned to smile at her, hiked up my pants and wondered to myself whether or not I should try on some new outfits  =  )

Yup this is me; who I have become, a tweener. I thought being a tween was an age thing. I have come to learn it’s also the feeling of frustration in the weighting zone. I am stuck BETWEEN sizes. Soon the clothes that have been living in my closet and not on me will fit once again. I am happy but I am fighting with myself over my rising impatience. Nothing that is worth having ever comes at an easy price. The sad thing about instant gratification is that the exuberant feeling of ultimate happiness lasts just a little bit less each time. People chase happiness. Instead of enjoying the moment we are in, we tend to chase after yet another beam of sunshine as if there isn’t enough sun at the beach we call life.

Truth be told I slowly became overweight. It has taken me the greater part of my life to become the hot mess I was. I don’t ever recall saying to myself, “damn it sure is taking me a long time to get heavy!” so why do I worrying about getting less fat? It is hard not to crawl into the negativity blanket my mind has woven for me. Rolled tightly into a ball in the corner it feels so warm and inviting, but I know the truths that lie there. Ugly, mean rumors and lies that I allow my psyche to feed me. I alone erode my self confidence. Having a little confidence in the power of you is a good thing. It’s that little voice inside your head that says, ” you can do this! keep going, never give up!” Confidence gives you the strength you need when you think you can’t do something one minute more. It gives you the courage to walk on.

It is Okay to be a tweener. It  gives you the luxury of taking a deep breath and resting a moment so you can right your course if need be or to carry on to the next challenge. Perhaps my body knows better than I do that a steady pace is better than blowing all of my energy on the first lap.  Relax in the journey, take it all in, make a moment. I rejoined my journey to the Land of Normal Sizes in February. I am better prepared this time. I know I am the one leading this adventure. I can enjoy the trip or complain for the whole ride. The easier path lies in the attitude. I choose to be in my moments good and bad. Hopefully I will learn a few things about myself. I am pretty sure I already have  =  )

 

Is It Okay?

…if I decide that I am good enough JUST as I am? Is IT? I am done. I find myself on the path of middle age. Some of my dreams, wishes, desires will never come to fruition. I am many things. I am funny. I am a worrier. I obsess about things that worry me. When I love I throw everything that I am into it. Hurt me and it takes near a lifetime for me to trust you again. I am loud. I love to laugh. I love to sing. I love the people in my life. I guess I just want to know that the people in my life love me just as I am. Hot mess and all. I will always be overweight. Does that make me less valuable than someone who will always be skinny?

I am tired of rowing my boat in a circle. I have come to believe I have put my health on the skids by trying to hard to make changes to the ways I eat instead of the whys. I think it is time I under take a new approach by …yeah what should I do?

I feel like it is time to throw my hat into the ring and give this eat better to be better thing another go round. I miss feeling healthy. I miss my ankles and my skinny jeans. I miss laughing and meaning it. I miss the me that was smaller and full of life and hope. I am READY to try again.

Because I AM HAPPY

Spring is the time of renewal. I love Spring. The longer days, the warmth of the sun, the budding of the trees and the blooming of the flowers put me over the top HAPPY. Yes, I do happy. My life sometimes brims over but who’s doesn’t? Winter this year seemed to be so drawn out. Cold and dreary, difficult times not to sink into a withdrawn emotional state. I am grateful for so many things. I have a job (even if sometimes I hate working). I am loved. My hubby understands me in ways I don’t.  My Dad is being taken care of and despite my misgivings he is doing okay. I have a home with my hubby that we love. I have friends that I care about who care about me in return.

I started blogging as a way to vent things out I felt I couldn’t control or change or sometimes as a way to let myself know I am ok; that things are normal. Everyone struggles with life and the things that make life worth getting out of bed for. I would be worried if there were no bumps in the road. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. I have a capacity for love I never knew lived inside me. I live my life for me and the people I love.

Feeling happy is a state of mind, a personal journey not a destination. Life is in the taking of risks. Living each day you are given. I used to wonder what “waiting to exhale” actually meant. I get it now. It is that feeling you get when someone startles you. It is the quick draw of breath you take in and are afraid to let go of. Like somehow holding your breath will keep you safer. After a near lifetime of holding my breath I exhaled.

I am OKAY. My life has not always progressed the way I have wanted it to but I march towards a better day, a life worth having. I hope you always have love in your life and people who are wise enough to love you for what you bring into their life YOU.