Impossible!?

or is it I’m possible? Sometimes the things we want to accomplish in life are near impossible to obtain. Things and situations we feel we need in our lives can seem out of our reach: the perfect job, the perfect spouse, THE HOUSE of our dreams, the gaggle of cool friends. It can all be yours. You just have to believe in yourself, that your dreams are possible, and…then WORK your ass off to achieve your goals. I mean, sure, maybe there is no such thing as a perfect spouse but love eventually finds its way to most people. It can feel like perfection if the chemistry is right and both players are not ass hats. I never wanted perfect just someone to love; to love what we made together (our life), and to accept that our road might have twists, turns, adventures, and a never ending supply of sarcasm. I am thankful we both have jobs (far from perfect), we eventually bought a house we both love (not the dream house) and we have some pretty amazing friends.

Right now as I sit in my office waxing on, I can hear my Mr. Right yelling, “shoot the puck!” at his computer. I never used to believe in finding a Mr. Right but rather a “Mr. You’ll Do For Now” as I always seemed to get whoever was left! over. Funny how life surprised me, how it keeps on surprising me. I know he is watching or listening to a hockey game. He is in his happy zone even if it doesn’t always sound that way. I am happy, drinking coffee, planning adventures for the up coming summer season and feeling that my “dreams” are possible. It is possible for me to? do whatever I set my mind to.

Letting go of something that doesn’t fit into my life anymore is hard for me but I am getting to a better place about it everyday. Change what you can when you must. Accept that which is unacceptable. Acceptance is the key to becoming a better version of yourself.

Food for thought? One cannot unfry an egg nor can One drink from an empty cup.

Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To Be

Staycation

Ahhh, my first vacation of the season and {{{SIGH}}} my first vacation of the season. I am a contradiction of terms. I am both excited and deeply depressed. Strange? not if you know me. I suck at relaxing. I have never been able to take a day off. You know what I mean;  sit around, watch bad TV, maybe take a shower, have a ton of unplans. An unplan is a happening with no set logical or pre-established guidelines. Think of it as going to a local store for something quick and different. You had no set plan so you just do the next best thing. A vacation filled with unplans makes my hubby happy. It drives me to distraction. I fight  with myself to be in my moment, to relax,  to do something I have been dying to do! I wait all year for this vacation. You would think I would plan my time off better, fill it with things I want to do, see, explore but I don’t. Mind you I talk a good game. There’s always  something whirring in the back recesses of my grey cells about the perfect adventure.

I like to take the first week of July off each summer because my birthday falls there. I want the luxury of not having to work on my birthday. It is the perfect time of year. The days are longer, hotter and filled with promise you just don’t get in winter. Every year I waste my week; I get plenty done (see the contradiction?). Housework , shopping, spring cleaning. I have all this free time on my hands and no idea how to use it.

)july birthdayI get to share my birthday with my Country. Every one I know loves the Fourth of JULY, the Nations’ Birthday. Hotels are packed, restaurants are packed, beaches are packed. Living on the East Coast in July brings bus loads of tourists to a neighborhood near you. Great, if you don’t mind spending your week off  waiting in long lines for things you hate to wait in line for, like the bathroom.

How easy it is to forget how wonderful something is when it becomes too familiar to you. I have lived on the East Coast my whole life. All the glitter is still there; it’s just harder for me to see. I find my joy in the majesty of the mountains which still takes my breath away. The sunrise over a quiet lake, awe inspiring. A walk in a town I have never been to before, exhilarating. I don’t do these things everyday, therefore; the glitter still sparkles, catching my eye, reminding me of how lucky I am.

My week is nearly over. I am well rested. I didn’t cry on my birthday. I enjoyed spending quiet time with my hubby. I still have time for an adventure. Our unplans worked wonderfully. I have decided I am okay. (I think !?!) I relaxed.  =  )

skip that rock

Thanksgiving is less than one week away. I am struggling with reasons to be thankful. Big holidays are supposed to be filled with relatives and food and stress and love. Intangible things you can’t quite put a finger on, like the smell of that favorite holiday stuffing that makes you miss your Mom. Or the grin that Cool Whip brings to your face just by thinking about it. Or the memory of parades of days gone by like the Macy’s floats, big and grand.

I know that my Dad is safe. I know somewhere in my heart he is better off being looked after; I feel deserted. I have been left all alone. Not by him but by circumstance.  Life is what happens when you make other plans. Thanksgiving is a time for family. Once upon at time I had that. I MISS them. I MISS the hot mess that made them MY family. I hate Thanksgiving; it makes me sad. Thanksgiving should be about the fullness of your life not the emptiness.

I am grateful to still have my Pops in my life. I am thankful I have a hubby who stands by me no matter how bad the storms get. I am humbled to be honored with the Best best friend anybody could ever hope for. I am thankful for all the great memories I can still look back on and bask in the glow of that love. I have so much yet I struggle. I yearn for the simple things that were once part of my everyday life.

Cherish the moments in your life. All of them. Holidays often have moments that hurt. Someone you love may not be able to handle all of the false hopes a holiday tends to pin on one’s soul. I know I used to put too much emphasis on the perfect. I wanted the perfect family, the most perfect meal in the most peaceful, loving, giving atmosphere. I guess nobody else got the memo.

In my family if we made it to the end of the meal in one piece without any yelling or crying it WAS the perfect day. Too bad none of us realized it then. We had some moments. Stuffing on the floor. Gravy boats smashed. Pies eaten by Tuesday. Mom who only ever copped to,” It was just a taste. I swear!” Only thing is she tasted ’til it was nearly gone as if the single pie section she left was evermore than a taste for the rest of us.  Stress of being perfect always made her nuts.

I stopped trying to have perfect holidays after my sister died. Didn’t seem to be any point to that stuff and nonsense. I want to enjoy my life. As messy as my life is sometimes at least I can say I try to live in the moments. Ruined holidays, there were many, taught me to see the humor in everyday challenges. It built a strength in me that helps me to see a difficult time through to its finish, whatever it may be.

Life is like a ripple in the water caused by a rock you just skipped across the surface. Be that rock. Test the water, be alive in your life. Skip along the surface of the water. Be awestruck by the beauty of it. See the ripples you create.  I want my ride to continue on so I can see what adventure is next. Even as I glide I am losing momentum, soon I  will break below the surface and sink to the bottom. My glorious ride will be over. I am not ready to be added to the other rocks at the bottom, left in a heap to be forgotten. Looks like I will just have to get a new rock.

Enjoy the people in your life while they are in your life. I am thankful for you = )