A Fit About FIT

I guess my question to those who make dress clothes for “overweight nation’ is, why do you insist on multiple closures on a pair of pants that are countersunk or gathered? Isn’t it humiliating enough that often my clothes are of garish prints and horrible materials?

I am overweight. I am not void of style. You, dear clothing manufacturer just make it more difficult to express. I have struggled with finding the who that I am. I clearly, solidly identify as female but your clothing forces me to shop in mens clothing sometimes and I feel generic. While I am on the subject, what is it with all the size increments? I might be a 17 Junior or an 18 or a 18 Misses but more likely I could be an 18 Womans? and you wonder why females have body image issues!img_20181020_131256399-1932535022.jpg

Recently I have come to the decision that I miss being happy, truly happy. I am in my life everyday and yet there are things I keep missing like the joy of a sunny day, laughs with a good friend, taking a walk on a calm day, being okay with the person that I am at this moment. I just want peace in my life.

I have always been more of a jeans and t-shirt kind of a girl. Poet blouses and soft sweaters. I would love a new pair of cowgirl boots = ). I am going to go back to the version of myself I feel most comfortable with. I like who I am! I just didn’t believe in me. I let the pressures of trying to be someone and something I am not guide my choices.

It is never too late to chose happiness. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE!

I would like to say thank you to all of the women in my life that accept me just as I am. I think that you are all amazing, beautiful, supportive, kind, generous…some times in life one can be surrounded by great people and not realize it. The true blessing is being smart enough to recognize your good fortune.

 

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Vacation?

I try to write something new every Friday night before my Saturday WWs meeting. I usually have ideas filtering through my mind all week, so there really isn’t much of an issue for me to find the right words for how I am feeling. I sit at my laptop and engage you in a (one-sided conversation) like we are together in a room, enjoying a drink and catching up on our busy lives. I didn’t do it this past Friday. I am sorry  =(     I decided I was on a vacation. Ok, that’s not really true; I was just super exhausted. I fell asleep half undressed before 9 p.m.

I wanted to spend some father /daughter time with my Pops. I decided to take him out of the nursing home for some fresh air and a haircut. Sometimes when I am on vacation I allow myself to get too busy and I don’t spend much time with him. I am not a Spring chick anymore so by the time I returned him safely to his residence I was POOPED.

Hubby and I went to our favorite local pizza joint for our “yippee we are on vacation” supper. “The plan” was to stay up and watch bad TV, enjoy each others company and then go to bed. I altered “the plan” by walking into the bedroom. I wanted to change into my jammies. I had every intention of joining hubby in the living room. My alarm slammed me awake at the ungawdly hour of 5 a.m. I don’t remember falling asleep. I never made it into my jammies, nor did I brush my teefs (teeth). My morning was less than glorious. I wasn’t feeling it. I had made plans with a friend from work to go on a pre-Zombie adventure to Salem, MA. I didn’t want to go to a meeting. I didn’t want to weigh-in. I didn’t want to go on an adventure. I woke up crabby!

It is rare for me to wake up and be in a bad mood. I assure you it does happen, my hubby can attest to it. I talked myself into getting into the shower. I grudgingly ran through my normal morning routine. I pep talked myself into being in a better mood. I talked to myself all the way to my meeting. I was going to make it a great day. You know what? It turned out to be a GREAT DAY!!!  Attitude really does have a lot to do with how successful or how much we struggle on this path. Once I made up my mind to be in my moment, crabby or no, my attitude changed.

I logged nearly 15,000 steps on Saturday, the most steps I have ever walked in one day ! Kim and I walked all over that crazy town. Kim graciously took my pic with the Bewitched statue. Cross that one off my bucket list. I am proving many things to myself. I am a force. I can do this. I am having fun while doing this. No one can do it for me.  Your life is waiting for you…go find what makes you happy and DO IT! Never give up on the person you are meant to be!

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My Head Aches

We are not alone on this path of life. Everyday we get up, we get ready to face our day, we kiss our loved ones on the way out the door, we enter the mayhem of another day. I am sitting here tonight trying to come up with a positive post for my fellow WWs who are kind enough to follow my blog…but my head hurts. The nightly news has been horrific of late. I try not to get too wrapped up in the turmoil of the moment. For every story there is a back story. Usually it is the story the media doesn’t give much air time too. It may not be as strongly argued over or it just doesn’t draw in the ratings, whatever the end result might be, that back story should get told.  It is too bad the media is not the place to find the answers or the truth that we richly deserve. I find if I spend too much time focusing my energy on the highlights of the media I give myself a headache. Just for the record…

…if you want to see change in your world it is a good idea to start with YOURSELF. Love matters, kindness matters, caring matters. Be the change you need in your corner of the world. Learn to be the best example of yourself, be giving, be caring, listen. It is amazing how wonderful life can be when you give it a chance.

What Makes Us Different…

makes us the same.

It starts early in my day on Fridays. I start thinking about what I want to blog about. I worry no one will read my thoughts or worse that no one will care.  Sometimes I wonder if the effort I put in is worth it. Then I remember this blog is for me. I write as a way to keep myself in check. I share how I am feeling in the hopes that what I have to say helps one person to realize that they are not alone. We all struggle with something :  loneliness, depression, weight, beauty, stress from a bad marriage, death of a loved one…the list is endless. What makes us different makes us the same.

I started this weight loss journey again in February. I decided it was time for me to change my outlook (I had painted it grim, I was buying my own lies hook, line, and sinker). I forgot how to be happy, to live in my moments. I had spent so much time and energy trying to be the best daughter to my Pops, who suffers with dementia, that I had stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring about me. I should have reached out for help. Maybe, I wouldn’t have gotten so lost if I had just stopped and asked for direction.

I throw a wall of emotions out in front of me to keep me safe from prying eyes. I make people laugh so I won’t cry. I sing because I am in distress. I eat because I am angry and I don’t know how to use that negative energy in a positive way. I decided that those things that are sometimes true about me needed to be changed. I needed to change. I am learning to own my anger. I don’t have to self-destruct. I am bigger than that. I am worth more than that. I am learning to laugh from joy. I sing because it makes me happy. I  try to talk myself out of my anger. I am trying to let go of things I am unable to change.  I am growing as a person, not in the waistband, a first for me.  = )

The truth is everyone is afraid to get hurt. Life is not a free ride. It comes with pain and disappointment. It has moments of grief and anger. It is the longest, most intense adventure you will ever undertake. You deserve to be in every messy, wonderful, emotion filled moment of it. Learn to be kind to yourself. You do it for other people, learn to value yourself. Stop blaming yourself for the way things have gone in the past. Live for the now.

You have the chance to be a better version of you, right now.  You are strong enough to stand up for what you want. There is no need to feel guilty about being successful at being you. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

What makes us different makes us the same  =  ) We can do this Cupcake!

 

 

What’s IT Worth?

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

The Hands Of Time

Time speeds by. It’s true nature is to keeping on ticking. You can’t get back lost time. You can’t jump into the future or to the past. Even though you can finds ways to save time; it won’t be in a bottle so you can use it at the end of eternity. Time is the great evader, just when you think you have enough you are all out of it. You can free up time but we usually waste what little of it we have. Life speeds by. Once I was a little girl, feels like yesterday. I can recall a time when I was just starting to feel like a grownup. Now I am on the precipice to middle age? How did that happen? Youth made me wish away my life so I would be old enough to drive, to go to college, to be an adult. What???? I thought, if only I were an adult, I would be Okay. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, anytime I want. I kind of miss the foolishness and immaturity of youth {{{sigh}}}.

Wishing, wanting, needing more time doesn’t get you more. If it did I would fill out the required paperwork right now. I need more time. I want to go back to a happier time when the people I loved were young and happy and here.
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Yesterday I snapped this photo of my hand on my Dad’s hand. It struck a chord in me. How much my hands look like my Mom’s. How strong and virile and young my Dad once was. How much I miss my kid sister and my Mom. When did my Dad become old? How did I not notice?

They say that time is a healer but I think that is a lie. Time is a thief. It slowly robs you of the people you hold most dear to you. Live in your moments. Love the people in your life while you have them.  Make time to be with people you love. They want nothing from you but your time. Spend your time with them wisely. Reap its rewards. Go live life! Make memories.

You’ve Changed

It’s me, not you. I’ve changed. What is it about change that people hate? Okay, maybe hate is too strong of a word. Let’s go with strongly dislike. Change is not a bad thing. It has a terrible reputation. Without change things would become boring, routine, mundane. Life is messy. It never comes wrapped in a tight little package with instructions that say:  just add hot water, cover, let stand for 5 minutes and then enjoy. That only happens with Ramen noodles and there is nothing good about that. Let’s be honest.

Change is scary. Change is intriguing. Change is inevitable.The seasons change. As we age we change. New love changes into something life long and wonderful or divorce depending on life circumstance. Change equals growth.  It takes courage to change.

I’ve changed. I decided it was my time. It was time for me to stand up for the lost soul I allowed myself to become and reclaim my life, my way. I walked back into WWs  because I deserve to treat myself better than I have in the past. I walked away from bad habits. I am no longer willing to be afraid of change.  In fact, I embrace it. I have grown. I am better at giving hugs and taking them as well. I am better at stopping to think about why something is making me angry or tense or nervous. I am learning to let go of things beyond my direct control. Sort of a cosmic live and let live attitude, I guess. I was willing to take a chance on myself one more time. Take a chance on yourself. Change just one thing and watch where it will take you.

Help Yourself

Two simple words and yet it is the hardest undertaking. “I couldn’t help myself” is heard whenever someone gives into a temptation. I say it myself like it is the best solution to explain away a natural urge to want things. A fitting excuse for when you have gone too far over your limitations, purchased something you wanted instead of needed or eaten that one small thing you couldn’t live another minute without and then eating way more than you wanted to.

Help Yourself. You have to make that choice. Help yourself or continue down the path you are on. No one can make you a better you, except you. You have to want to be better. It is not always easy to pick your health and well being over every other thing going on in your life. It is OKAY to want happiness. Happiness does not come in a box wrapped in pretty paper and a ribbon. Happiness is a state of mind that needs constant attention to help it last. Choose to nurture yourself and happiness is easier to sustain.  Help yourself. Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

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Let IT GO…whatever it is that is holding you back. Claim your life. Every rotten, wonderful moment of it. You are worth your best effort. Forgive yourself. You don’t have to be your toughest critic. Why is it we are all willing to cut our loved ones some slack but not ourselves? Perfection is a farce; a carnival mirror that plays tricks  with your mind. Learn to see yourself as others see you:  kind, intelligent, loving, friendly, determined. Ugly self-thought serves only one purpose, sabotage. Stop doing it! You are amazing! You just have to believe in yourself.

It only takes a spark to ignite a fire. Be the spark in your own life. I stopped believing in myself. I was lost for a very long time. My road has been mostly an uphill climb because I made it that way. I allowed the darkness of my inner turmoil to take over who I know I am. It nearly cost me every part of who I grew to be; the wonderful things that I liked about myself. We all have wonderful things about ourselves. You know its true. Ask that one person in your life that LOVES you just the way you are. What do they like about you? You may be surprised to find out that it has NOTHING to do with your appearance and more to do with the intangibles, like the gentleness of your love or your ability to see the goodness in people or…?

I got tired of feeling tired and sad. I missed happiness. I choose to help myself. Be well. Believe in the power that is you. YOU can do this!  Help yourself =  )

 

 

 

TEN

On a scale of one to ten please rate your pain today. The little smiley/sad faces on the chart at the doctor’s office are there to help you express how you are feeling. You have the oil changed at your local car dealership or lube shop and they want you to fill out a survey. On a scale of one to ten  with one being the lowest score how would you rate your visit today? Were you satisfied, somewhat satisfied, depressed, ecstatic or just plain giddy? Questions, questions, questions. How am I ? I feel wonderful, alive and at peace. I am in a good place right now. I plan on enjoying this journey back to me. I am learning to live my life again. I am making better choices. I feel like I have new avenues to explore and adventures to take part in. I am watching my confidence bloom into an amazing bundle of hope. With hope anything is possible.

I had a great week. I guess I had my first real “feel good” non scale victory. I logged all of my food and all of my sins. I chose more than once not to take the easy way out by grabbing a fast snack. I am planning out more of my meals. I have returned to the all important making of shopping lists. I am reading my labels with better understanding. I am scanning labels I am unsure of and making educated purchases. Damn, it feels good. All it took was a glimmer of self belief. You really can start a fire with a spark.

I love getting up early on Saturday mornings to go to my meeting. I have promised myself to go and to stay for my meeting each week. So far so good  =  ) I have challenged myself to join water aerobics and buy a waterproof fitness band. I am trying to move more.

On a scale of one to ten? Yes, I am a TEN and not just two fives in the wrong place.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

Down and UP?

It started out with a touch of discomfort. My throat was dry and scratchy, my ears itchy, my eyes weepy; I thought to myself, “wonderful ! my Spring allergies have decided to rear their ugly head, ERGH !”  I was determined though. I had just left my morning WWs meeting feeling UP.  Today I had plans and no amount of impending allergies was going to keep me DOWN. I felt it was time to take the plunge and say good bye to my double digit underpants. I was treating myself to some well deserved new SMALLER undies.

No one likes to talk about under garments. The conversation gets smaller the larger you are. Pun intended. No girl I know wants to talk about their size or that they may have to specialty shop for foundation things. Well, I am here to change that. I was brave enough to face myself at the scale now I need to learn to have faith in the power of me and try on new clothes. I am not going to lie to you. I was nervous. I hate any kind of clothes shopping but I’ve made a promise to be better to myself. I am happy to report that after nearly an hour of self-doubt, with an ever rising anxiety level; I made my selection of not one but two packs of brand new smaller DIVA approved undies. I am worth it.  =  )   I have lost enough weight that I have moved DOWN the size scale.

Yes, they fit; and better than I thought they would, too!  Yeah ME ! Atta Girl !

My allergies turned into a full blown Spring cold. I had fever, chills,and a general feeling of despair paired with the worst case of self-pity I have ever had, but I got over my bad self. I want this. I tracked all week. I planned the best I could. I tried very hard to keep my head in the game. I did it.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.