Bleak Friday

I was awake before my alarm this morning. It is Black Friday. Looks like I didn’t make it through the looking glass and Alice  will have to carry on for another year without me while I try to figure out how to get back through the rabbit hole.  I am not the winning contestant on The Voice. I am not any wealthier. I am not married to a man twenty years younger than I am. My vacation is over. I take this week off every year, dreaming for a different outcome. An outcome that never comes to fruition.

Why do people feel the need to squeeze me so tightly with their needs? I feel cornered. I just want to turn tail and escape. I just wanted a week away from the noise. I wanted to bask in the freedom of letting people fend for themselves. I do not have the answers! I am not the FIXER! Why do people look to me for the calm that is missing in their lives?

You want the truth? Most days I am so anxious I want to throw up. I don’t want to get dressed let alone partake in living but I do it. Why? because I have wasted enough of my life waiting for a better day to rear its head. This is who I am. I have spent a good portion of my life running away from myself. Today I feel lonely. I feel like I wasted another week of vacation over trivial crap I will never care about.

What I really wanted for my vacation was to get away, from the job, co workers, from myself. I wanted some time alone to grieve. My hubby had to work so I needed to get up early everyday to take him to work. He doesn’t drive. No going anywhere to have fun unless I could be back for around 2 every afternoon. No time to get anything done. No time to cry, or write, or be alone.

What did I learn? Next time I will shut off my cellphone. Next time I will take a different vacation if my job denies my hubby’s vacation time again. Next time I will have a plan in place to have an adventure that I want to do. I need to remember to be true to myself. I am responsible for my own happiness. I forgot to ensure my own happiness. I foolishly  let down my radar. I got burned. My bad, won’t happen again.

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I Mean To Shine

I am on the journey of my life but then again aren’t we all?  What is that inner voice that tells you that THIS time it will be your turn to shine?  I believe in can be found at the heart of you. It is a part of who you really wish to be, the best version of yourself. If you just listen carefully you can hear your own cheer squad.

“Here comes another dawn for every child to see
This time the morning sun is burning just for me
I’ve got the skyward eyes like I never had before
Just smile and say goodbye, show me to the door

For every one there comes a precious time
To break away

I mean to shine, oh, I mean to shine
As I look out on the morning sun
I know I mean to shine…”

These are the beginning  lyrics from one of my favorite songs; I Mean to Shine. It is about finding out that your own light is just as bright as everyone else’s. It is about believing in yourself, setting yourself free and living in your moment. Why shouldn’t  it be your turn?  Believe in yourself. Choose your path. This is YOUR journey! Make it count. It’s never too late to start a bad day over. I think the inner voice that everyone seeks to find, the voices that help you to be the best version of yourself, are the twin sisters of true success; Faith and Hope. Everything is possible when you hang out with these two. You couldn’t ask for better friends. When you have faith in yourself you can do anything you hope for.  Dream big, believe in yourself, and SHINE    =  )

You’ve  Got THIS !