Tag: weight

What’s IT Worth?

kidtrishLeave a comment

Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

My Soul Music

kidtrishLeave a comment

I have never tried to write my blog while listening to music before. I thought I would give it a try. I am listening to In Blue by The Corrs. I love this CD. It helps to put me in a better mood when the thick fog of funk rolls in. I have the sound turned down a bit so I can process my thoughts. It is true that you never forget a good lesson learned. I used to sing, listen to music in high school to help me prep for tests. Feels like home, who knew? I switched to my go to gal…Streisand. Her music gives me something no other music has ever given me, the ability to believe in myself.

Lately, ok maybe that is a bad reference for time. I have not been getting along with myself for a few years now. This rift in my being has caused me turmoil and self-loathing. One would think that I would have learned to set myself free from that bullshit already. I think I have finally realized it is part of the mystery I call me. I lost faith in myself. I got lost on my journey. I am in the deep woods surrounded by mosquitoes and other wild life with no FECKING idea how to get back to the main road… except, I know the way. I have been unwilling to “fix” my course. Listen, I was in the middle of a first class pity party. I had balloons and snacks and more snacks and more snacks, well I think you get the idea. Eventually it was time to crawl down from my perch in the tress and rejoin the world around me.

I choose my life. Every crappy, wonderful, screwed up minute. I want to be healthy. One of my mother’s last wishes for me was to be well. She knew she was fading and her time was drawing to a close. She gave me one of her best Junie hugs. “I love you, Trish. I know you will take care of Daddy but I worry you won’t look after you. Don’t become me. I can’t walk. I struggle for breath. Someone has to help me with every small thing. Do you want to end up like me? unable to live like you want?” I brushed it off at the time. Mom being dramatic with all the trappings. She died three months later. I started WWs March 3, 2007. My mom passed away June 11.2007. In that short time I lost 50 pounds. I continued to lose for her, for me until I left behind 145 pounds. Hold your applause. Yes, I lost all that weight and then I walked away.

Funny thing about grief after awhile your mind softens the sharp edges so you can move on with your life. Unfortunately, I chose to move in the wrong direction. I had my reasons; ill conceived most of them. Shortly after my Mom’s passing I began taking care of my Dad. In the beginning he only needed gentle reminders and help with his shopping. I was on course. I managed to lose 145 pounds. I was 6 pounds short of reaching lifetime goal at WWs when my Dad had a cardio-vascular accident that changed our lives. He nearly died on me. I was thrust into full time caregiver with part time hours. Where was my rock? Suddenly I felt so useless and small. Dad got better physically but his dementia…well, that is an ongoing adventure = (

I coped the only way an addict knows how. I FELL off the wagon. No, that’s a lie. I JUMPED. It has taken eight years to regain most of the weight I lost. I didn’t want to deal with all the sadness, disappointment and loneliness that comes from taking care of an ailing loved one. There is no one to blame. It is what it is. I allowed myself to fall short on purpose, fulfilling my own doom theory. Well guess what? Screw that shit. I have things I want to do. Things I need to fix. Adventures to take. People to love. I accept I will always have to fight my need to “fix” my problems with food. Food is the worst friend, ever. I can’t live without her. She won’t change so I need to learn to give her space so my soul can have peace.