Firefly

firefly

As a child I would chase fireflies to catch and put into a jar.  I would sit on the porch in the cool of an evening summer night and be filled with the wonder and awe of nature. A firefly on its own doesn’t seem like much but put a few in a glass jar and a dark night is transformed. Sometimes I feel like a firefly; small and insignificant but I know I carry a powerful spark. I set my world on fire. When I believe in the power of me, I can turn that spark into sparkle. I can do this. I am worth this. I am trying to have the time of my life doing this.

I was tired of mistreating myself. I wanted more of myself than feeling sorry for the shape I put myself in. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to embrace my world. The time had come for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. You can’t un-fry an egg but you can make one hell of a breakfast sandwich  =  ) no more self pity.

I gave myself permission to say NO to things I feel are unhealthy or unhelpful. I try to be mindful about the choices in front of me.  I am learning it is okay to make mistakes. It is not okay to ignore mistakes. Ignoring a problem only makes it grow in SIZE. Figure out the whys,{ I find being honest with myself cuts the journey in half = ) } make an adjustment, walk away from it. Let it go! Forgive yourself and move forward. I am learning to embrace who I am not what I see in my mirror. My mirror is too judgmental. It doesn’t add up to the who that I envision in my mind. I have worked on who I want to be for a long time. I am beautiful, giving, thoughtful and kind. My self worth is based on how I treat myself and others. I want people who come across my path to leave feeling inspired. A small gesture on my part that leaves you with a warm feeling in your soul. I call that happiness!

I am a WW because I need help to keep myself on my path. It is okay to ask for help. For too many years I ran from myself. Not wanting to face my whys. Not wanting to face my truths. My truths will be different from yours and that is ok. It doesn’t matter which road you choose; we are all on the same journey. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Don’t let anyone take away your sparkle,not even you! I try never to dwell on that age old question; if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? beauty is like love; misused to cover a myriad of truths and emotions. What does appearance have to do with how much you are truly loved? or respected? or wanted?

A kind gesture towards someone will be remembered longer for the way it makes them feel, than how you looked when you bestowed it upon them.  What you do matters. Learn to be kind to yourself so you can be kind in return. Respect yourself and others will follow your example. You are amazing just the way you are; never forget that. Work on your foundation and your structure will only be stronger for it.

So be calm, be in your moments and Weight Watcher ON!!!

The Wonder Of It All

That’s my problem I spend way to much time wondering and not enough time doing. I need to get some stuff done. I have clouds to put my head in. I have Spring coming in soon and I am not ready. I am that oak tree stuck in my acorn waiting to emerge from my shell, take root and become magnificent.nuts The story of my life. I have told myself for the better part of my life that I am a misfit. I don’t belong. I am unwanted. All lies. Lies I tell myself. I am sure most people tell themselves lies just to get through another day. The photos of your life tell you things about yourself you are unwilling to see on your own. If you were to look at mine you would see that I set myself apart from others so I can avoid rejection. Like unplugging the TV before the electricity quits. Who does that? why do I do that? everyone is afraid of rejection, of not fitting in, of being set apart from everyone else we so desperately want to be like. I sabotage myself. I kick me before anyone else can. I am afraid to be happy.

I went to my doctor yesterday. She is worried about me. I am worried about me. I like my doctor. She is kind. She listens. She counsels. She genuinely wants me to turn my path around so my health doesn’t decline any further than I have let it. 10/12/08 I weighed 174lbs. By 03/03/15 yeah ok way more than that. Why? because I threw my success away. I left WWs. I abandoned myself by the side of the road broken down, helpless.

03/03/15
Dear Diet,
I have something to tell you. I cheated on you. I am so sorry. We had some good times you and I. It wasn’t you. You did everything right. You were always right there for me. I am the cause of our failure. Our relationship didn’t last because you worked harder than I did. I lost faith in us. We have not once ever finished our dance. I punish myself the only way I know how. I walked away. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel like I was alive. You gave me purpose. A dream to pursue. If I told you I was ready to finish our dance would you take me back? do you have enough faith in me? I hope you will always be in my corner, waiting for me to be willing.