In My Own Little Corner…

In my own little chair… Rodgers and Hammerstein

I’m as mild and as meek as a mouse
When I hear a command I obey.
But I know of a spot in my house
Where no one can stand in my way.

In my own little corner in my own little chair
I can be whatever I want to be.
On the wings of my fancy I can fly anywhere
And the world will open its arms to me. https://youtu.be/zLzWe2FXMIA

I am a child of the 60s & 70s. There was no internet or shopping on Sunday, no cellphones, and color television was in its youth. Disney was a family event on Sunday nights on NBC (the peacock network) and we watched all of the magic as a family. I first saw Cinderella sometime in the early 70s, not animated but with the most beautiful people a five- or six-year-old girl could ever imagine were real. Our family did not own a color television until the late 70s. As I remember it was not a new purchase but a cast off from a relative who could afford to buy a newer model. The colors on our secondhand TV were skewed a little? People should not be orange hued. Stereo sound was not an option until the 80s, yet I thought our secondhand TV was the most magical gift. Remote control channel changing was not a bonus on this set so one of us (the children, of course) always had to be on the ready for a channel change, which meant dashing across the room to spin the dial. I never wanted this job, as I might miss something of importance in a commercial or the opening scene of a show.

I was smitten (still am) with this adaptation of Cinderella. The actress (Lesley Ann Warren) who played Cinderella was in my young eyes so beautiful, so timid, so brave, so many things I tried to manage my feelings for. I really believed she was in that kitchen by the hearth dreaming of a better place, a happier place, a place where she was not afraid, where she could be anything she dreamed she could be.

Where is the wonder that I once knew? The reality of being an adult is that we lose our ability to see the world as we once did. I am at that point in my own life where all of my “heroes” are leaving this plane of existence. Lisa Loring, Cindy Williams, Olivia Newton-John, Irena Cara, Robbie Coltrane, Kirstie Allie, Sidney Poitier. For the record, Lesley Ann Warren is alive, and hopefully is doing well. In my heart of hearts she will always be my favorite Cinderella although Brandy comes in a very close second place.

To all of the people who have sat in their own little chair dreaming of better versions of themselves or that which surrounds you. I see you. I hear you. We are all capable of being more than we accept. You are ENOUGH. You are LOVED. You are beautiful. You are a wonder! You are everything to those that you love. Never Give Up On The Person You Are Meant To BE !

We are the music makers,
    And we are the dreamers of dreams,

Wandering by lone sea-breakers,
    And sitting by desolate streams;—
World-losers and world-forsakers,
    On whom the pale moon gleams:
Yet we are the movers and shakers
    Of the world for ever, it seems.[2]

— Stanza 1 from Ode by Arthur O’ Shaughnessy 1873 borrowed by Roald Dahl for inclusion in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

October{SIGH}

I love this month. I am a big fan of Halloween which is strange because I do not like masks or clowns or costumes. There is just something other worldly about this month and its holidays that I find hard to resist.

Maybe it is the leaves turning a shade of wonderful that I like. Or the fact the shorts become pants and I can skip a few days (ALL WINTER INTO SPRING) and not shave my legs. Or maybe it is the snuggling in on the couch with a good book and a blankie. Or that it suddenly becomes okay to put cinnamon, nutmeg , and ginger in a beverage and call it “Pumpkin” whatever. I do not care. I honestly think it might be because I love orange and the rest of the year it is kind of too brash to be displayed without causing a rush of odd comments. Here is to ORANGE, a color you can not beat and a word that does not have a rhyme. That is reason enough to be a fan. Well, at least in my book. Let’s chat about my other near favorite color…GOTH! Okay, Goth isn’t a color but it should be.

When I was a teenager I was a Goth chick. The only color I was ever interested in was black and shades of black. It is a great color to wear when you want to hide who you are from people. I wanted to hide. I was a DUFF. Look it up it is a thing. On the other hand black can also be sexy and alluring depending on the cut of the clothes and the person wearing those clothes .

Me in retirement. WOWZA

I can totally see myself rocking this outfit shopping at the local grocery when I retire. Stepping out while I am out! While the slinky little number found below these words ?!? I think I can work this look on occasion, just not every day. I certainly give it up for those of you out there that can but I for one JUST CAN NOT!

Bazinga

See what I mean? I do much better in one version versus the other . You decide. One takes humor, the other RBF( resting bitch face). I mean who am I really? I guess my only other question; Can orange be the new black?

Autumn is the time of year when things calm down a bit for me. No rush to get anywhere, no last minute Summer excitement, all the tourists everywhere find their way back home and the my area of the Globe settles in for the up and coming hockey/winter/Christmas merry-go-round. And I can watch Hocus Pocus in peace.

Firefly

firefly

As a child I would chase fireflies to catch and put into a jar.  I would sit on the porch in the cool of an evening summer night and be filled with the wonder and awe of nature. A firefly on its own doesn’t seem like much but put a few in a glass jar and a dark night is transformed. Sometimes I feel like a firefly; small and insignificant but I know I carry a powerful spark. I set my world on fire. When I believe in the power of me, I can turn that spark into sparkle. I can do this. I am worth this. I am trying to have the time of my life doing this.

I was tired of mistreating myself. I wanted more of myself than feeling sorry for the shape I put myself in. I wanted to feel joy. I wanted to embrace my world. The time had come for me to take responsibility for what I had done to myself. You can’t un-fry an egg but you can make one hell of a breakfast sandwich  =  ) no more self pity.

I gave myself permission to say NO to things I feel are unhealthy or unhelpful. I try to be mindful about the choices in front of me.  I am learning it is okay to make mistakes. It is not okay to ignore mistakes. Ignoring a problem only makes it grow in SIZE. Figure out the whys,{ I find being honest with myself cuts the journey in half = ) } make an adjustment, walk away from it. Let it go! Forgive yourself and move forward. I am learning to embrace who I am not what I see in my mirror. My mirror is too judgmental. It doesn’t add up to the who that I envision in my mind. I have worked on who I want to be for a long time. I am beautiful, giving, thoughtful and kind. My self worth is based on how I treat myself and others. I want people who come across my path to leave feeling inspired. A small gesture on my part that leaves you with a warm feeling in your soul. I call that happiness!

I am a WW because I need help to keep myself on my path. It is okay to ask for help. For too many years I ran from myself. Not wanting to face my whys. Not wanting to face my truths. My truths will be different from yours and that is ok. It doesn’t matter which road you choose; we are all on the same journey. Never give up on the person you are meant to be. Don’t let anyone take away your sparkle,not even you! I try never to dwell on that age old question; if you could change one thing about your appearance what would it be? beauty is like love; misused to cover a myriad of truths and emotions. What does appearance have to do with how much you are truly loved? or respected? or wanted?

A kind gesture towards someone will be remembered longer for the way it makes them feel, than how you looked when you bestowed it upon them.  What you do matters. Learn to be kind to yourself so you can be kind in return. Respect yourself and others will follow your example. You are amazing just the way you are; never forget that. Work on your foundation and your structure will only be stronger for it.

So be calm, be in your moments and Weight Watcher ON!!!

The Wonder Of It All

That’s my problem I spend way to much time wondering and not enough time doing. I need to get some stuff done. I have clouds to put my head in. I have Spring coming in soon and I am not ready. I am that oak tree stuck in my acorn waiting to emerge from my shell, take root and become magnificent.nuts The story of my life. I have told myself for the better part of my life that I am a misfit. I don’t belong. I am unwanted. All lies. Lies I tell myself. I am sure most people tell themselves lies just to get through another day. The photos of your life tell you things about yourself you are unwilling to see on your own. If you were to look at mine you would see that I set myself apart from others so I can avoid rejection. Like unplugging the TV before the electricity quits. Who does that? why do I do that? everyone is afraid of rejection, of not fitting in, of being set apart from everyone else we so desperately want to be like. I sabotage myself. I kick me before anyone else can. I am afraid to be happy.

I went to my doctor yesterday. She is worried about me. I am worried about me. I like my doctor. She is kind. She listens. She counsels. She genuinely wants me to turn my path around so my health doesn’t decline any further than I have let it. 10/12/08 I weighed 174lbs. By 03/03/15 yeah ok way more than that. Why? because I threw my success away. I left WWs. I abandoned myself by the side of the road broken down, helpless.

03/03/15
Dear Diet,
I have something to tell you. I cheated on you. I am so sorry. We had some good times you and I. It wasn’t you. You did everything right. You were always right there for me. I am the cause of our failure. Our relationship didn’t last because you worked harder than I did. I lost faith in us. We have not once ever finished our dance. I punish myself the only way I know how. I walked away. I miss you. I miss the way you made me feel like I was alive. You gave me purpose. A dream to pursue. If I told you I was ready to finish our dance would you take me back? do you have enough faith in me? I hope you will always be in my corner, waiting for me to be willing.