Tag: worth

LOST

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I am out too far. I cannot safely return to the shore. I have many more strokes to execute before I reach the other side. Dark thoughts haunt me as I tread water just managing to keep my head above the swirling darkness. I have come this way many times before. I never manage to make it to the other side…

Have you ever wanted to freeze your perfect moment in time? One of my favorite movie special effects happens with time freeze. All of the action is frozen except for the principle player and maybe one or two other key role players, a theatrical aside. Brilliant; until that is how you feel your life is unfolding. I plod along. I feel like I am finally gaining an understanding into why I rely on food so heavily to keep me happy and then I have an aside. I have been on program this time around for almost two years! I have been doing well. I know what I want. I know I can I break that tape across the finish line, and then I have an aside. I pause the action so I can freeze all the good things that I am doing with my life… so I can have an aside and misbehave.

WHY? wHy! whY?!?

It is late at night and in this moment I am LOST. I am surrounded by people I love who love me and yet I feel singular, alone, one. I feel abandoned, cast away to fend for myself. I blew up at my hubby yesterday over nothing and everything. The battle I rage against is mine and mine alone. I create the walls, the monsters, the self-hatred. THIS IS how my ANXIETY manifests itself. I begin to doubt everything that I am doing. I OVERTHINK the smallest of details. I have a difficult time remembering my worth. I feel like people can see the tears in my fabric, that like a prop I am not real.

I feel the rut of sadness fast approaching. I feel uneasy. I just want to have the strength to stay the course, putt through to the next hole. I head back to work, my regular routines in a few days. I know I will be able to do this. I just need to find a way to be honest when I am feeling overwhelmed. As my kid sister would say, “You are not lost. You just haven’t been this way before. All roads lead somewhere. You’ll figure it out.”

For her I will keep on until I figure it out and I am not lost anymore.

You Are My Obsession…

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I sit here at my laptop week after week. I spill my heart out all over the place. I never tell anyone the whole truth just the parts I think you might want to look at. How do I always find myself back at the one place I loathe? I am filled with dread. I have to learn to stop being my favorite subject. I am obsessed with myself and what is wrong? with me. Look at me. Let’s talk about me. I am sad. I am angry, I am…, I am…

REALITY CHECK blogging can be very one-sided; sometimes the truth is that I don’t want to talk about me.

Enough!

It is time for me to do other things with my free time. Something constructive instead of destructive. I went back to the YWCA. I purchased a membership for a 13 week run. Today I went to the gym to get a schedule and register. I walked around the place to see what has changed. More than a few years ago (2008) I joined the Y and went to aqua aerobic classes with Mrs. Cooper. She was a great friend to me. I got a little teary eyed today in the locker room remembering how much we laughed, how much fun we had. She was a sweet soul. I really miss her. She changed my life in so many ways. She helped me to believe in myself.You don’t need to be aware that your kindness changes another human being for the better; just be happy in the knowledge that you can make a difference just by being YOU.

I left the Y feeling like I am now going in the right direction. I need to get back to taking better care of myself. I did not try this Summer to be an honest WW. I allowed myself to bend the rules. I stopped doing everything that helps me to be successful. I am ready now for the next leg of my life journey. I got this!

I would also like to clarify something for my fellow WWs. Never be embarrassed about weight that you have “reclaimed”. Everyday you are given is a chance to learn something new and wonderful about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself. You can give up or you can get up. It is your choice and your choice alone. Some days I don’t want to adult either but eventually I return to myself, my dreams, my hopes for a better day because I AM WORTH it.

Never Give Up ON The Person You Are Meant To BE! See you at the pool!

SWIM swim Swim
because you are worth it
soul shine

Words = Power

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HMMMmmmm….. seems I am out of words. Maybe it is because right now I have so many streams of consciousness (free flowing thoughts separate yet connected) that I am having difficulty putting my feelings in their proper place. Part of my weight loss journey is about celebrating NSVs, establishing better eating habits, recognizing , accepting and changing the things in my life that helped me to overserve myself in the first place. In other words, I finally shook off all of my regularly schedule list of excuses and lies. I stood up to myself and demanded to get better. I have been trying to be kinder, gentler to myself. Be more open to changes.

I am happy. That is not to say that I don’t have tough days or a week, unbridled happiness is fiction for TV. I did not make my regularly scheduled blog post this past Friday. I showed up late to my Saturday morning meeting. I was met with a wide smile and a question of concern from one of the leaders (who reads my blog) over my non posting and my tardiness. At that moment I shrugged it off due to being at the BIG E the day before.  I didn’t lie to her. I was tired and hormonal. I got up late! I am a girl, sometimes my monthly kicks my ass. I told her I was too tired to sit in front of my laptop and focus about my journey but that is not the entire truth.

Words = Power

In the beginning I started this journey towards a better me for a multitude of reasons. I missed the girl I used to be. I missed feeling well. You never know what a new day will bring. I forgot to take care of myself when my life was in turmoil.  I felt so hopeless I forgot how happiness soothes like sunshine after a rain. Everyone who breathes knows sadness, turmoil and pain. That is what makes us all alike. I let mine steal my worth.

Words = Power

Even if the only one who hears the words is me. Lies when repeated in your head somehow have a way of becoming self-truths. I know that MY negative thoughts are dangerous for me. I use my hubby as a sounding board when I am feeling like I should be punished for a food transgression. He is the one who gently reminds me that I am loved, that I am beautiful, that I am important. He never lets me down no matter how hard I push back.

Words = Power

I really like my primary care physician. I had my once a year physical last Monday. I am not a big fan of going to the doctor. Physicals, mammograms, oil changes are all part of life so why do they feel so intrusive? I have been putting my best foot forward since February. I dutifully went and had my lab work done in the middle of my vacation ! I was beaming to go see her, show her all that I have accomplished so far and you know what?…

Words = Power

…while she was pleased with the overall results of my efforts; I need to do more!  She was pleased to tell me that she could now move me off the MORBIDLY OBESE warning on my chart!  She has no idea that her words hurt me. She is a great physician and is very supportive. But,W-O-W!!!!  I think getting smacked with a pointy rock would have hurt less = (  I didn’t leave there feeling empowered. I left with a hole in my happiness. I struggled with myself and how this news made me feel the rest of the week.  The negative thought demon was swinging around in my mind, taunting me with bad ideas, lies and misdirection. I tracked all of my foods everyday. I made a list of any NSVs I had. Every time I let myself get distracted by my littered thoughts I tried to find something to change my mood. Instead of eating, I started binge watching a new show on Netflix! I finished two books I have been sort of reading for months now! I kept on keeping on. I was worried about going to the BIG E on Friday. Large Fairs have a way of sucking a person into a false sense of freedom; to do whatever, eat whatever, drink whatever. I almost forgot myself but I managed.

wordshavepower

I started to blog because I felt powerless and ineffective about taking care of a parent with dementia. I started to blog because I wanted to find myself. I started to blog because I knew someone might be out there feeling just like I do; like they are alone.  Words do equal power. I wield my power to help me be a better person. I am not perfect but I refuse to give up on the person I am meant to be. I had to let go of those medical words. I am working on a better version of me everyday. Everyday that I don’t give into a negative thought I am that much closer to achieving a healthier me! I am beautiful. I am strong. I am…whatever I can imagine I might want to be =  )

NEVER GIVE UP ON THE PERSON YOU ARE MEANT TO BE !

WORDS = POWER

 

 

For the Love of a Popsicle

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OMG it has been HOT. No, I am not complaining . I am stating the facts. Summertime used to mean heading out everyday after my dad got home from work and hitting a local swim spot. After I learned to drive it was trips to Hampton Beach, Newport and other lovely coastal beaches. Now that I am older (sounds as horrible as it feels) as soon as I get home from the J-O-B, it is kick the shoes off, turn the air conditioner up full blast and whine as I watch bad afternoon TV. Oh! for the love of a popsicle! What the hell has happened to me?

It has been too uncomfortable to eat much of anything. I have no interest in any food. I know!?! who is this girl and what happened to Trish? but it is true. The bad part it’s tougher to stay on plan when there is an unplan in charge. I have been back to WWs since the beginning of February. My choices and determination are harder to manage. I like to call this portion of our trip THE CLIMB. Why? It has more to do with the length of time spent on the road than it does with the results I am seeing. Will I survive the climb? Sure, I will. The real question?  can I survive the plateau?

I am heading for the mental plateau. It is a scary place. Stay too long at Casa Plateau and find your resolve starting to wane. Don’t stay long enough you run the risk of ending your journey before it really picks up steam. Let’s be honest, learning new healthy habits is a lot of work. It tires a gal out. It fills me with a huge sense of self-fulfillment but sometimes I don’t want to do this anymore. What to do? Time to mix it up! Try a different exercise, eat KALE( no,just kidding), take stock in where you are, where you want to be. Could be it is time to leave the comfort zone of what works and try a few new untried curiosities. Don’t allow yourself to become bored in this journey. The cost of bad decisions while bored is immeasurable. Just ask anyone who has ever done a home perm! Never give up on the person you are meant to be. It is okay to have doubt; just don’t forget you are the one in charge. Journey on…

 

 

What’s IT Worth?

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Am I worth it? Is feeling better, healthier, happier, peace filled, worth it? What is IT?

IT… is an intangible feeling;  a  Je ne sais quoi quality, something magical you can’t quite put your finger on. Am I worth the joy I feel?  Are all the wonderful, emotion filled feelings that I am throwing myself into the middle of worth the roller coaster ride?  I have nothing to prove to anyone, not even myself. I am learning to be in the moments of my life. I am no longer building my foundation; I am fortifying it. When I am strong, I can stand up to anything, even myself.

I am a student of WWs. Once upon a time ago I made it to within six pounds of my goal. I was anxious about being in the Land of Normal. I never allowed myself to partake in the success I had worked so damned hard to enjoy.  The fear of the unknown scared me away from reward.  Foolishly, instead of turning to someone for advice or for the strength I wasn’t ready to undertake as my own, I walked away. I am different now. This journey is on a pace all of its own. My body older, my metabolism a tad slower. I am struggling with self comparison. I am frustrated that THIS time my weight is coming off slower. I am trying not to spend too many precious moments dwelling on something that I can not change. If I waste too much time comparing yesterday to today, my mood, my conviction, my belief falters. I want more for myself than a fresh supply of doubts.

Sometimes just like eating, you have to put your stuff (fork) down and assess. What do I hope to accomplish for myself? I want to be able to make it to goal. I want to do it under my own steam and hard work. What have I learned so far? There are still  many things to learn about life. Every day dawns with a chance to be a better me than I was yesterday. What have I learned about myself?  I am stubborn. I am a wanter. I am a doer. I am capable. Am I working toward a goal or am I floundering? I am working on myself even though honesty hurts, change is scary and sometimes I drop the ball. I am not floundering. I have direction. I refuse to lose my way. I will not give up.

Why is this journey important to me? I want to be at peace with myself. I have learned that my health is not something I am willing to lose. Being in good health takes work. I feel amazing when I make the right choices for myself. I had lost faith in myself. I am learning to believe again. I can do anything I set my mind to. All it took was a glimmer of what might be. I want to make it to goal even if it is going to take more time than I think it should. I am worth the wait. I am worth the work.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

On the road of your life is where you experience your journey. Make your journey worth the trip =  )

 

 

Eleven

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Twelve is my all time favorite number but I have always had a thing for eleven. An odd number I know but there is just something so easy and smooth about 11. Stand together and we are strong = ) two pillars side by side shouldering an enormous weight. Today I needed those pillars of strength. I almost let anger make my food choices today. I stopped and thought about how angry I was; how angry I still am. I didn’t let anger win. I won. I have been working my butt off on this new program. This Saturday it will be eleven weeks . I refuse to give up on myself.  I chose my health over my anger. =  ) Yea me!!!

I am liking this new version of WWs. Food is not the way to calm emotion. I am trying not to feed my feelings. When I make that mistake I am never quite full enough. I will eat and eat and eat desperately trying to fill a void. Food can not make you happy. It has taken me a lifetime to realize my happiness is something I am responsible for. It doesn’t come in a jar or a fancy package; it comes from within.

Owning your emotions or taking responsibility for them is not an easy task. Emotions can make you feel so wonderful and so uncomfortable at the same time. Only I can make myself feel worthless and small within my own mind, never speaking a word aloud when I am feeling vulnerable or afraid. It is tough to stand up to yourself and demand better treatment. It is not ok to take the back seat to your own life. I decided that on this road trip I would be the one in the driver’s seat. Windows down, tunes blaring, happy to be….able to do so much more than I have ever allowed myself to.

Be happy with the wonderful hot mess you are. Love the who that you are. Be the best example of yourself for yourself because you are worth it and you deserve to be at peace. Who am I? To some I am everything; to others a whisper on the wind. I am who I am. Lover of life. Good friend, good wife, a writer, a laugher, a reader, a comic, a singer of songs.

Never give up on the person you are meant to be.

 

The Grand Life

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It is in the small things. The truly important things in life are in the small things. Just think about it for a minute. A smile from a passing stranger. Laughter amongst friends.  Sunshine on an overcast day. A butterfly in flight. Life is grand. I forget that sometimes. I forget that it takes work to be content. I forget to be in the moment.

I am trying to be better about the small things. I recently went back to WWs after a long (devil may care attitude that nearly cost me all I had worked so hard to accomplish) hiatus. It has been a struggle to get back into the swing of things but I can honestly say I am feeling much like my old happy self again. My heartburn is gone. My energy level is up and…my underpants are loose. Score one for me!!!

I like to think of my weight loss journey as a wall I am tearing down one stone at a time.  I built my wall (ME) on bad choices, broken promises, resentments and tears.  Life has a way of beating my best intentions out of me. True success begins with a little hope, forgiveness, some elbow grease and a belief in the power of self. It takes courage to change course and step away from the things that are not healthy but I am worth it. Aren’t you?

The View From the Cliff

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I find myself on the edge of a cliff uncertain if I can maintain my balance. I teeter on the edge between believe and unbelievable. I am not ready to give up. I am not afraid of heights. I am leery of them. My head begins to pound and for a second I think I will lose my footing. I won’t. I always catch myself. I wonder what will happen that one day when I don’t catch me. Will I plummet over the edge into an abyss never to reappear? I struggle everyday with a pain that pierces me to my core. Some days it hurts just to draw breath; until I realize I am not breathing. I am holding in my tears or my anger or my fear.

I am tired of feeling this way. There is a difference between living and being alive. Somewhere in my life I stopped living. I go through the motions of living but I don’t really care if I am. I know this is dangerous territory to be in. I need, I need, I need to stop. I foolishly lost what I once had from fear. I want to change things but I am afraid. I am afraid to succeed.

Am I worth it? everyday I disappoint myself. I talk myself out of getting off my asscake and working on the me I need. Why is that? I have no real answer except fear. The crap a person is willing to live with instead of facing the unknown. I infuriate myself. I am at the crossroads once again. If I can just believe in myself I got this. I can handle what is next. If I just believe. Where’s Tinkerbell when a girl really needs her?

What Role Would You Choose?

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wpid-20150712_174207.jpg
I stole this from my Facebook page. After I read it I sent the poster a comment asking her what my role was in her life.
Life is about people. What role would you choose? I want to be the rare one. That one person in your life that helps you see that you are loved, special and wonderful just as you are because YOU are you. Even if we only know each other for the briefest moment in time. We all have value. We are all worthy of the love we are given.
Enjoy the people in your life. Time is fickle and there are no guarantees given. Better to make a memory than a regret. So thanks Katie for posting that pic. You made me smile and you made me think.