The drift awake is an odd feeling. It is the moment between sleep and awake where all the magic lives and loved ones are not lost but vibrant amongst us. Sometimes right before I am awake for the day I have very vivid, lucid dreams. This morning’s was an odd dream; I was trying to climb up a near vertical path in the woods to get back to the main road. In my mind I knew this road. I had been on it many times. I was anxious, angry and confused. There were many people from my life on the path ahead, but I was stuck on the hill unable to get a leg up to crest over a tough spot and return to the path. To my path, my life, to the point where I had left my journey because something sparkly caught my attention. I drifted awake from the chaos my dream had me in, to the feel of a slight chill in the air because I had kicked off the covers. My bed a comfort in the moment. Hubby asleep beside me unaware that he saved me in my dream from unexpressed danger.

I roll over check the time. It is nearly 6 am. It is Saturday. The boiler bangs in the basement. I know the heat has cycled off. I love that my house has radiator heat, even if it is noisy. There is a comfort in the sound of the boiler and the hiss of the steam releasing from the radiator in a chill room. In this moment I feel safe, loved and at peace. I toddle off to the bathroom still heavy with sleep and my dream. As I lie back down amongst my warm blankets I feel him stir. My peace soon to be interrupted. He always asks me if he has woken me? No, my love. I love this part of our day the most.  Our bodies warm from sleep our minds not yet preoccupied by the stress of the day and the bullshit of being alive.

I struggle needlessly in my daily life because I don’t think I am worthy of a good life, a healthy life. I was anxious as a child. I am an anxious adult. There was no neurodivergent, autistic, ADHD labels when I was a kid. I was just too sensitive, too intelligent, too anxious, too much. All true. I had /have food avoidance issues. I find it comical because I have been chonky my whole life. I like what I like on repeat… food, friends, and adventures. I watch/rewatch the same movie/show in a collection of days until my brain wants new. I have seen Hocus Pocus more than 2000 times. I find the cadence of whatever my current show obsession is to be soothing.

I doubt everything I do. I am too hard on myself over perceived failures. I get angry when I feel forced into being someone’s idea of who they think I am or who they want me to be. When I feel a person has taken a piece of my heart and soul, I give them my all. I love with no conditions. I go out of my way, my comfort zone and I allow myself to be used, bled dry, mistreated. Eventually my brain catches up and after a deep anguish, I detach. I drift away. I remove myself from their lives. I carry the sadness of that failed friendship for a LONG time. Blame is a shared experience. The friendship did not end because of the actions of one but because WE both chose to take different paths. I am always given the burden of being too much. But you enjoyed my talents when they served you didn’t you?  I have stopped giving of myself freely. You are right I will be the way I am until I die. And? What’s wrong with that? I am a good person. I have my faults. I am always trying to be a better version of myself.

I am moving into my “OLD” years. I want more for myself from myself. I deserve to be whole, happy, healthy. I am no longer making time in my life for the “TAKERS”. I am choosing to give to the one who needs it most this time; me. I advocated for myself about my heart recently and in so doing I saved my life. I had an artery that was 99.5% blocked on the verge of erupting, which would have killed me. I need to make sure the remainder of my years stand as a testament to a life well lived. There is still time to embrace the future I see myself having. Never GIVE UP on the Person You Are Meant to BE!